The first half of Proverbs chapter 5 contains warnings against adultery — what will happen if you succumb to temptation. The second half of the chapter, verses 5:15-23 are an exhortation to delight in the joy and sexuality of your marriage. The imagery is beautiful and erotic, which shouldn’t be surprising since it was written by King Solomon.
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
The encouragement here is directed at husbands, and the first metaphor is the wife as a fountain overflowing with fresh water. Why would a man drink from another person’s well, when his own is overflowing? Likewise, why would he share refreshment that is meant for him with another? Water sustains, refreshes, and purifies. A husband’s desire for his wife is like a man trudging through a desert who comes home to an oasis.
Then the husband is reminded of the love he had for his wife in their youth, when the first blush of romance was fresh on their hearts. Both husband and wife have matured over the years and experienced all the ups and downs of life, successes and disappointments, children, illnesses, separation, reunion, hopes and fears. They’ve fought and made up, surprised each other, lifted each other up, and let each other down.
The relationship is far more complex now than it was when you first met, but remember the joy you felt when you first kissed! Remember the excitement of your first all-night conversation, when you shared your hopes and dreams with each other. Remember when you proposed, got married, and first made love. Don’t let the passage of time steal your joy.
Instead of fantasizing about some forbidden fruit, be intoxicated by your spouse’s body! And on the flip-side, intoxicate your spouse with your body. The responsibility goes both ways! Husbands, if you don’t put in the work to learn your wife and give her orgasms, how can she be intoxicated? Wives, if your husband rarely gets to see or touch your breasts, how can he be filled with delight?
You are each other’s fountains! Be a flood, not a trickle.
(Side note: what young Christian man hasn’t been filled with longing by verse 19? “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight.” Yes, please.)
And the final three verses of the chapter are again words of warning. Which would you prefer? Joy and delight, or aimless wandering and ultimately death?
For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.
This probably strikes most wives as a strange topic, but maximizing the quantity of our semen is often a matter of pride and fun for men. What’s the deal?
Semen is almost mystical to men. It’s not just warm goo, it’s a symbol of our manhood, potency, virility, and essence.
Semen is an accomplishment. Men tend to be task-oriented, and ejaculation means you’ve accomplished your task.
More semen symbolically means more of all these things. In addition to the power of semen as a symbol, more semen can also have some some physical significance. Here are some facts.
Most men ejaculate about 5 milliliters of semen at a time. That’s about a teaspoon. Of course, there’s wide variation among men.
Semen and sperm are different. Semen contains sperm, but it also includes a host of healthyingredients.
Semen quantity and sperm quantity are related, so more semen generally means more total sperm ejaculated; this can increase your chance of conception.
More semen often means that the man had a longer orgasm, which is certainly an indirect benefit.
As with most things in life, heredity plays a huge role in the quantity of a man’s semen.
Pills and supplements are extremely unlikely to affect the quantity of your semen. Save your money.
There are a few things a man can do to maximize the quantity and quality of his semen. I say maximize rather than increase because a man can move towards the top of his natural range, but he can’t change his physiology. So what can a man do?
Hydration. Semen is mostly water, so make sure you’re drinking enough. Unless you’re dehydrated though, drinking more water probably won’t increase your semen volume.
Edging. Here’s our big post about edging, but the idea is simple: long-duration stimulation that gets you to the edge of orgasm. The longer and more intense the stimulation, the more semen will be locked and loaded.
Excercise your pubococcygeus muscle. Women do Kegel exercises to improve their orgasms, and men can do them too. Strengthening your pelvic floor will improve your orgasms and give you more control over when you orgasm. (Make sure you practice contractions and extensions.)
Maintain your fitness. Exercise improves circulation, and improved circulation will improve the strength of your erection and orgasm. (Not to mention all the other health benefits of lifting.)
Reduce ejaculation frequency. As you’ve probably noticed, there’s more semen when you haven’t ejaculated for a couple of days — but is that a price you’re willing to pay? I’d rather have more sex with my wife than less sex with more semen per orgasm. However, increased semen volume can be a pleasant benefit when you come back together after being separated for a couple of days. It seems that a man builds up his maximum amount of semen in two to three days, so there’s no benefit to waiting longer than that.
Make it look like more. Since the desire for more semen is mostly about the symbolism, increase the power of the symbol by making your semen look like more. Spread your semen around when you ejaculate. See if your wife is open to you shooting it on her face, breasts, or stomach. When you ejaculate in her vagina, take a look before she cleans up. When you ejaculate in her mouth, ask her to show it to you before she swallows.
Enjoy what you’ve got. Talk about your semen with your wife. Before sex, tell her that you can’t wait to come inside her. Tell your wife you’d love her to beg for your come during sex or a blow job. After sex, savor the view of your semen on your wife, in her vagina, or in her mouth. Touch it, rub it around, taste it. Later, tell her how hot it is to you that your semen is still inside her or leaking into her panties. Wives: tell your husband that you love his semen, that it tastes amazing, that you want it all over your body, that you need it inside you. Make a show of enjoying your husband’s semen after he ejaculates. Revel in his power and masculinity!
So, husbands and wives, what do you think? Do you have any tips to share? Anything kinky we need to try?
Sexy Corte and I have been inching our way through the Harry Potter movies in the evenings after the kids go to bed. We both enjoy the movies and the books, but SC is a super-fan. The movies are entertaining but confusing, and after we shut off the television it seems I’ve always got a million questions to ask SC about the series while we are getting ready for bed. So, I figured, why not make a sex game out of it?
I found some Harry Potter trivia on the internet (not hard to do!) and picked out a bunch of questions. If Harry Potter isn’t your thing, pick something else. Maybe Star Wars trivia for the husband? Bible trivia? Civil War history? Prepare the questions (and answers) in advance and print them out or put them in a document on your phone/tablet.
In addition to the trivia questions, I gathered the rest of the required toys. When I’m planning to do something elaborate, especially something that involves restraints, I try to make sure that all the toys are prepared and positioned in advance so that we don’t lose momentum while we’re playing. In this case, the toys were simple: wand vibrator and egg vibrator.
Then I stripped SC down and tied her near the edge of the bed with her legs spread using our under-mattress restraint system (which is always prepared for use). I intended to use a blindfold, but it turned out to be more fun to watch her face. Once I had SC tied down I applied the wand vibrator and explained the rules.
Tie, Tease, Trivia Rules.
I apply the vibrator to you and ask you trivia questions. If the husband is the contestant, the wife can use her hand and mouth to stimulate him. The goal is to provide constant, low-level stimulation to tease the contestant while she tries to focus on the questions.
When you get one right, I go down on you. This is the motivation for the contestant to stay focused on her task. The frequent swapping between vibrator and mouth drove SC crazy, along with the tip of my finger teasing penetration. If the husband is the contestant, the wife can use both her mouth and lady bits to reward correct answers.
When you get one wrong…. I had considered using ice to penalize incorrect answers, but decided against it. Your mileage may vary, depending on the temperament of your contestant. When SC got one wrong I feigned great disappointment, shook my head, and ran the tips of my fingers along her inner thighs. I’d ramp up her stimulation and then remove it briefly, to her great frustration.
You may not orgasm until you score 10 points. Ramp up the stimulation and remind her that she isn’t allowed to come yet. Make light conversation and push her to the edge while you slowly peruse your set of questions. Make her beg for the next question. “Do you want an easy one or a hard one?” Make her keep score. “How many points do you have now? I forget. Are you sure?” Award bonus points and extra licking when she earns it, and take a point and stimulation away if she misses an easy one. Take your time.
Eventually, you win. When you’re ready to end the game, tell her that the questions are over. Ask her how many points she earned. Ramp up the simulation. “Do you think you’ve earned an orgasm?” Make her say yes, she’s earned it. Praise her performance under pressure. “You did great, sweetie. I think you earned an orgasm. Go ahead and get it.” Then give it to her.
“You must think I’m a huge dork,” Sexy Corte laughed at the beginning of the game. Afterwards she asked, “Do you think you can find more Harry Potter questions?”
Have you ever found yourself lying in bed awake in the middle of the night? This happens to me every so often, as well as El Fury. What do you do to get back asleep? Sometimes it feels like you can toss and turn for hours. Want to know a better and more fun solution? Have sex!! Orgasms can make you very sleepy. You can peacefully fall back into dreamland without the frustration of lying there in the dark. Plus it is fun the next day to feel like you and your spouse shared a secret midnight tryst.
Think you will upset your spouse by waking them up in the middle of the night? That depends on your spouse. You should definitely communicate how they would feel about it so when the time comes you aren’t setting yourself up for disappointment. How your spouse responds might also depend on the manner of which they are woken up. I would discourage an elbow to the side followed by a “you up?” El Fury always says the best way to wake up is by me licking his balls. If you don’t have good access, try a little gentle petting in the right area to see if this generates any interest. Or try some erotic snuggling. It is possible to get your spouse aroused before they even wake up.
Sex in the middle of the night can be very passionate, probably because it has a dream-like quality. All of the kids are asleep (hopefully!) so you can take your time and really let loose. So the next time you can’t sleep, instead of reaching for the Benadryl, reach for your spouse!
“Lean Forward” into better sex — “I love the idea of women leaning forward – putting just a little extra energy and “muscle” into creating a great sex life with their husbands.”
The benefits of paying for sex — Spend some money to get the kids and chores out of the way so you can have better sex with your spouse.
Is being valued for sex such a bad thing? — “I thought I wanted my husband to value all of me—my whole self! However, what I really meant was that I wanted my husband to value me for everything else—but not for sex.”
It seems like there’s a lot of interest in bondage these days, and many couples are experimenting with stuff they never would have thought of before. If you’ve never tried bondage you may be wondering what the big deal is — why would anyone want to be restrained during sex? Well, we know nothing about the BDSM “scene” so we can’t speak very broadly, but we can tell you in one word why Sexy Corte and I periodically enjoy adding some light bondage to our sexy time: vulnerability.
To understand bondage let’s talk first about the goal, then the methods, then why it’s fun. The goal is simple: voluntarily restrain one spouse to enhance his or her vulnerability and submission. It seems most common for the wife to be restrained, but I’ve had Sexy Corte tie me down and tease me and it was lots of fun. Usually though, it’s me restraining her. The purpose of the restraint is to give control of your body to your spouse, not to be painful or uncomfortable. Submitting to bondage is a huge demonstration of trust to your spouse because it puts your naked body into their control and makes you supremely vulnerable. The bondage benefits both the dominant and the submissive spouse by giving the dominant person permission to act, and the submissive person permission to let go. The various toys described below are only used to accent the submission that has already been agreed to.
There are limitless methods of bondage, but they generally share a few common features.
Nakedness. The submissive spouse will usually be restrained naked, or at least with her sexy bits exposed. Being naked with your spouse is already a big show of trust, and being restrained kicks it up a notch.
Hand restraint. Often the submissive’s hands are restrained to prevent her from “protecting” herself. (I use quotes, because of course nothing should be happening against the submissive’s desires.) Hands can be restrained above the head (for example, tied to the headboard), behind the back, in front (for front-to-back positions), or even attached to the ankles. Hand restraint is probably the most common element of light bondage. Get those hands out of the way!
Leg restraint. Legs, ankles, and knees can be restrained to keep the wife’s legs spread or to prevent movement in general. Leg restraint is an important element of position restraint and orgasm control.
Head restraint. Head or neck restraint could be uncomfortable or even dangerous. This isn’t something we do.
Eye restraint. Covering the submissive’s eyes can add another layer of trust and enhance vulnerability. Using a blindfold can really make extended foreplay exciting.
Mouth restraint. Sometimes you just want to hear your spouse moan with pleasure instead of talk. Sometimes talking is distracting. Taking away the option to talk can be liberating for the person who is restrained. Always be sure that anyone whose mouth is covered can breathe freely and can signal a desire to stop.
Position restraint. A combination of restraints can be used to hold the submissive spouse in a certain position, say for spanking. This can be critical for orgasm delay and multiple orgasms, which we’ll talk about below.
So what are the actual devices that can be used for bondage play? Almost anything you can imagine can be incorporated, but here are a few ideas. Each of these items probably deserves its own post!
Wedge pillows. Sexy Corte and I enjoy these a lot for positioning, and they include attachments for…
Hand cuffs. We use some padded strips with velcro for closures and plastic clips that can be attached together or to the wedges. We’ve tried metal cuffs in the past, but they’re quite uncomfortable if you’re laying on them.
Under-the-mattress restraints. Looks complicated, but it’s not. The cuffs can be tucked under the mattress when not in use. These are especially useful if you don’t have a headboard suitable for tying to.
Blindfold. If you want to improvise, use a neck tie or panties.
Gags can be similarly improvised, or you can buy one.
Sex swing. We have one that can be quickly hung in a door frame and be used for a ton of positions. It’s easier than it looks.
Spreader bar. Keeps those legs apart. Can be used in many positions, including standing, but isn’t great for missionary. I made ours with a wooden dowel and some eye screws.
Pull-up bar. These can be mounted in a door way and used as a restraint point for securing someone in a standing position. Also great for getting ripped.
Vibrator. There are many kinds, but we find the egg vibrator to be the most versatile. We buy cheap ones (around $7 from Amazon) and replace them once or twice a year when they wear out. We also keep rechargeable batteries charging in our bedroom. A wand vibrator can also be useful for longer duration games or when you need more reach.
(Let me point out that you don’t actually need any toys! This post is getting long enough, so I won’t go into detail, but look forward to a future post on mental-only bondage.)
Finally, what’s fun about bondage anyway?
Intimacy. Like I said at the beginning: the essence of bondage is vulnerability, and vulnerability is the key to intimacy. Bondage will teach you new things about your spouse’s mind and body. Bondage will let you explore new levels of sexual trust. Bondage exposes you to each other in amazing ways.
Passion. Let’s face it: there can be something hot about dominating your spouse or submitting to his or her will. Maybe your sex is normally gentle and loving, and bondage lets you get a little rougher and more physically intense.
Foreplay. Bondage requires time to execute, and all that time can be used as foreplay focused on the spouse being bound.
Orgasm delay. Also known as teasing or edging. When the submissive spouse is free to move she can position her body just the right way to reach orgasm, and bondage can take away that ability and give control to the dominant spouse. It can be extremely difficult for a person to willingly back off from an orgasm when it’s close, but when using bondage the dominant spouse can pull back and keep the submissive spouse right on the edge without going over. This can make the orgasm incredibly powerful when it eventually comes.
Multiple orgasms. After a woman orgasms her clitoris may become intensely sensitive, such that further stimulation is uncomfortable. If her hands and legs are free she may push the stimulation away for relief. However, if she is bound such that she can’t “protect” her clitoris her husband can continue with the stimulation and bring her to multiple orgasms. Sexy Corte describes these as an unending plateau of orgasm, rather than the peak and descent of the normal experience. They’re also quite exhausting, so this probably isn’t something you’ll do every day. As a husband, giving my wife multiple orgasms is one of my absolute favorite things.
Fantasy. Bondage can be used as an element of fantasy or role-playing. It feels naughty, and once you’re in the naughty mindset you can free yourself to try some things that you normally wouldn’t. He’s the villain and she’s the kidnapped princess? She’s the super-spy and he’s the captured rogue agent who knows where the bomb is hidden?
Exploration. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for our sexual desires, even when the marriage has good communication. Bondage can be an avenue for exploring desires that are difficult to speak out loud but perhaps easier to request non-verbally while in the moment. New experiences can break old habits, and you’re already feeling naughty, right?
Escapism. Maybe it’s a minor form of dissociation, but bondage be a form of escapism from everyday life into a secret world of sex with your spouse.
Novelty. Bondage introduces a myriad of new sexual options, new ways to play, new positions, new toys, and maybe even new desires.
In the end bondage should be fun and promote intimacy and vulnerability in your marriage. As always, enthusiasm and responsiveness will ensure that you get the most from your sexual experience.
Let us know what you think in the comments! What are you experiences? Do you have any suggestions to add?
A series on wifely orgasms — an ever-important topic for sex bloggers, to be sure.
Valentine’s ideas: gifts for husbands, gifts for wives. Sexy Corte and I aren’t much for gift giving; not our love language I guess. For gifts, we mostly create opportunities to spend time together.
Sexy Corte just posted about her wifely “double feature” and mentioned setting orgasm records… so, if you’re not too shy, leave a comment and share some records you’ve set with your spouse!
Number of her orgasms in a single session.
Number of her orgasms in a single day.
Number of his orgasms in a single day (or session??).
Duration of sex play in a single session.
Duration of intercourse.
Number of different locations in a single day.
Favorite location other that your usual spots.
Number of positions in a single session.
I’m sure there are more records you’ve enjoyed with your spouse, so leave a comment and inspire me!
As I’ve perused the marriage blogosphere it’s clear that the female orgasm is one of the most prominent themes: ever-elusive; mysterious; husbands desperate to please their wives; distraught wives who just can’t seem to get there; frequent frustration. It’s easy for husbands to have orgasms, but it’s very common for wives to have a harder time achieving sexual satisfaction. To that end, I want to recommend “Satisfaction”.
The book is about “the art of the female orgasm”, and there’s a solid focus on the loving relationship between the couple. Aside from the expected advice to communicate and develop intimacy with your spouse, the book reads almost like an instruction manual for the female body — and that’s exactly the approach I was looking for when I bought it. I found the book to be extremely educational. It’s laser-focused on its single target: “helping a man fully satisfy a woman” — without toys. The philosophy of the book is that “every man can be an artist” when it comes to the female orgasm. It’s not that toys aren’t fun or handy, but the book intends to teach the reader how to please a woman with his own body.
Topics covered include:
Basic anatomy, the clitoris, the g-spot
Oral stimulation
Using your fingers
Anal stimulation
Vagina-to-mouth
Multiple orgasms
A few simple medical issues (including premature ejaculation and the use of Viagra)
Various communication topics
Hygiene
The book has no photographs in it whatsoever, but there are abundant diagrams and drawings that depict the referenced acts and body parts. The drawings are clinical in nature, but if you have a strong desire to avoid any depictions of nudity then this book is not for you. The diagrams are all helpful rather than titillating, and are essential for explaining some of the more esoteric movements and positions. If only for the diagrams, this book is better than searching the internet for information. Any internet searches are bound to lead you to pornography.
It’s also worth pointing out that the book is not written from a Christian/marriage perspective, but that won’t hinder your application of its techniques.
“Satisfaction” probably has something to teach everyone, and with the caveats above I strongly recommend it to anyone who loves female orgasms. Specifically, the book might be an excellent gift for newlyweds. Brides receive a plethora of gifts at their bridal showers, but “Satisfaction” might be the perfect gift for the groom who wants to please his new wife and has remained chaste until his wedding.
What resources have you used to learn about sex? Have you read any good books?
We’ve been promising to write about enthusiasm for a while, but we’ve been having trouble wrapping our heads completely around it. Basically, our opinion is that enthusiasm is more important than any other single behavior when it comes to having great sex. [Tweet this] We know that’s a bold claim, but let’s see if we can convince you.
So what is enthusiasm? Our favorite definition is “lively interest”. Both of those words are important. I should be interested in sex with my spouse. I should think about it, plan for it, pursue it. Sex with my spouse should be one of my favorite hobbies. And my interest should be lively: active, self-motivated, dynamic.
What does enthusiasm look like? Enthusiasm for sex with your spouse isn’t just important while you’re having sex — it encompasses a lot of behaviors.
Saying yes. Pretty basic, but it’s a lot better than when your spouse tells you no! As we’ve written before, yes should be the default answer when it comes to sex with your spouse. [Tweet this] There may be a reason to say no for a moment, but we’ll go out on a limb and suggest that the answer should be yes at least 90% of the time. Just like with your other hobbies, you find a way to say yes when you’re invited.
Communication.Enthusiastic spouses tell each other what they like, what they want, and what they need. You can’t wait to talk to your friends about your other hobbies, right? Don’t make your spouse drag it out of you — offer your thoughts and opinions. Be eager to listen to your spouse’s desires. Be as explicit and specific as necessary! Tell your spouse exactly what you want. These conversations can take place any time, but they seem ideal for when you aren’t in the middle of sex or immediately before or after. Make some time to talk during the day. (Which may lead to sex.)
Improvement. Enthusiasm means you want to be the best sex your spouse has ever had. This is the part where you follow-through on the communication. If your wife wants you to tickle her g-spot more before penetration, you can’t wait to please her. If your husband wants a quickie, shut the door and drop your panties. Your spouse has told you what they want, so hop to it! And not just the one time — be a student of your spouse and incorporate your new knowledge into your permanent expertise. When you’re invested in a hobby you work at it to improve, right? You read about it, study it, test out new ideas, and learn from experience. Sex with your spouse should be the same way.
Responsiveness.Now we’re getting to what enthusiasm looks like during sex. When you’re having sex, be there, in the moment. Be fully engaged. Look your husband in the eyes and moan when he enters you. Tell your wife how amazing she looks when she rides you. Responsiveness at any given moment is mostly the responsibility of the submissive, receiving partner. The person in the receiving role may stay the same throughout a sexual encounter, or it may change several times before you’re done. The point of responsiveness is that the receiver needs to demonstrate their pleasure to the dominant, giving partner. Don’t just lay there like a rug while your spouse goes to town. If you want your spouse to improve, give them the feedback they need! It’s especially important to clearly communicate to your partner when you’re close, and when you’re having an orgasm. The topic probably deserves its own post, but here are a few ways to be responsive: talking (“more!”, “yes!”, “almost there!”); kissing; moaning; using your spouse’s name; clutching with your hands or legs; connecting with your eyes; writhing with your hips; deepening penetration; or changing speed.
Experimentation. This goes for before and during sex: be open to new ideas, and don’t get frustrated if something doesn’t work. Sure, every couple has a repertoire of reliable positions that are guaranteed to please both spouses, and that’s great. You don’t have to try something new every time; most of the time your basic method is just fine. But when your spouse suggests something new, say yes! Maybe it won’t work, but don’t pre-judge it; chances are, your spouse has been working up the nerve to ask you for a while. When you say yes, don’t wince or roll your eyes, even if you’re skeptical. Don’t use the dreaded, “eh, if you want to” line either. That’s resignation, not enthusiasm. When your spouse wants to try something new with you, consider it a gift. This is an experience they’ve planned just for you and no one else in the world. Later (but not immediately afterwards), the two of you can talk about it and decide if its something you want to do sometimes/always/never. Just remember: unlike other hobbies, you’re the only appropriate sexual partner for your spouse; if you say no, that closes a door on your spouse’s desire forever.
Fun. Why so glum, chum? Sex is serious business, but it should also be seriously fun. Sex with your spouse is your own private amusement park! Ride all the rides. Eat everything in sight. Laugh, joke, tickle, wrestle, tease, snuggle, play! Sex isn’t just about having babies and orgasms. What do you like best about your other hobbies? Find ways to incorporate those qualities into your sex life. For example, Sexy Corte and I like playing games, so we created Sexy Adult Jenga and Naked Marco Polo. No matter what you enjoy, you will likely be able to bring some aspects of your hobby-personality into your sex life. When your spouse introduces these interests into your sexual encounters, remember to say yes!
Orgasm. Right, so sex isn’t only about orgasms, but let’s face it: orgasms are awesome. You don’t need to have an orgasm every time you have sex, but you should have an orgasm as often as you want to — and so should your spouse. Enthusiasm is hungering for an orgasm from your spouse, and craving an orgasm for your spouse.[Tweet this] Men can be very goal-oriented and focus excessively on the orgasm, so husband, make sure to listen to what your wife wants in the moment. Wife, your husband can’t read your mind, so make sure you are as responsive as possible.
Whew! That’s a long post; I hope it makes sense. If you want to kick your love life up a notch, foster some enthusiasm for sex. Please leave a comment and tell us your perspective on enthusiasm!
