We get many emails with variations on the question: how can I my spouse and I be more sexually spontaneous? Ironically, a little preparation can help! Put some lube and wet wipes in your purse, and you’ll be ready for spontaneity any time.
But how do you actually be spontaneous? If spontaneity doesn’t come naturally to your sex life, you can introduce a bit of randomness to help things along. We often use dice to make random choices and inspire our imaginations. Nothing is worse than two people both saying, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” You don’t have to obey the dice, but you can use the random rolls to get your creativity flowing. Here are a few examples:
The naughty story generator creates random sexy story prompts for you to share with your spouse.
Those tables give you ideas for what and how to have sex, but the key to spontaneity is when. So here’s an idea for randomizing the time you have sex: use a deck of playing cards. Here are two possible methods.
Method 1: Draw a random card when you wake up in the morning. If the card is a number, an ace, or a jack (11), that’s the hour of the day you’re going to have sex. If it’s a king or queen, then the husband or wife has to secretly pick a time to ambush the other spouse and initiate. Advanced mode: a heart means to get naked, a diamond means to start with oral, a club means you have to use at least three positions, and a spade means it’s a quickie and draw again afterwards.
Method 2: Bring the deck of cards with you and set an alarm to go off every hour. When the alarm goes off, draw a card. If it’s a number between 2 and 9, do nothing and draw again the next hour. Otherwise:
Ten or Jack: Within the next hour you must have some serious physical foreplay for at least five minutes, but not to orgasm. Making out, fingering, oral sex, breast play. Get hot and heavy, but don’t finish.
Queen: The wife picks an appropriate location and initiates sex within the next hour.
King: The husband picks an appropriate location and initiates sex within the next hour.
Ace: Drop whatever you’re doing and immediately find a place to have sex.
Advanced mode: a heart means to get naked, a diamond means to start with oral, a club means you have to use at least three positions, and a spade means the initiator needs to add an extra kink (examples: spanking, tickling, teasing).
What do you and your spouse do to enhance spontaneity? Share some tips in the comments!
My husband and I are recent empty-nesters and our sex lives have fallen into the predictable and stale category. He has given me hints over the years about certain things he would like to do with me but when I take him up on it, he starts backing off. For instance, he has always hinted that he wants to come in my mouth. I enjoy giving him head so this isn’t a problem for me. What IS a problem is that giving head stimulates me so much that I am usually begging for penetration after a few minutes.
The last time he asked for a blow job, I said, “what happens afterward? I will be miserable with desire and you will be finished.”
He said, “Well, we’ll have to find something else to use for penetration then.”
I took him up on that and suggested that we could look for something together but he acted almost stunned that I would consider using something else besides his penis. On other occasions, he has made comments about spanking me. I would love this but when I said I would like to explore that option, he clammed up. There are lots of other things I would love to do for him and to him but he seems to think that I would be using him with no love involved. We’ve had that discussion. I tell him I love him every day at least once and we’ve been together 37 years. What more can I do? I told him that to me true intimacy is being able to trust a person to the point where you can share your deepest desires and fantasies.
My husband is still very hot to me. He is very handsome and fit. He has always had great genes physically. His pecs, shoulders, back, arms, and butt still make me drool. He is built far better still, than men half his age. He is 60 and I see much younger women eyeballing him whenever we are out. Most people think we are in our mid 40s (lucky us). We have both started taking bio-identical hormones which has increased our libidos and performance but he still doesn’t seem to have the desire that I do. When I let him know that I want him, he seems uncomfortable.
He does occasionally have trouble keeping it up during intercourse. He says he gets distracted but won’t say why. All I know is that here we both are with an empty house where I can moan and scream all I want to and he seems mostly disinterested. We have had kids in the home for 33 years and now that they are gone I want to renew the adventure in our sex lives. I don’t know what to do. Should I just leave him alone and let him think awhile or just drop it altogether?
Thanks for the email! And congratulations on 37 years of marriage, that is amazing! I definitely don’t think you should stop pursuing an awesome sex life. I know in my marriage I have gone through periods of lower libido. It is discouraging in those times because I wanted to want sex! I was surprised by how much having an open, honest conversation with my husband helped. He really tried to understand what I was going through, and we talked about how to help it improve. If your husband doesn’t feel comfortable talking about intimacy, try bringing up the things you want to try during intimate moments.
Right after sex can be a great time to have a positive discussion about your sex life. You could try saying something like, “I really liked it when you did this… maybe next time we could try this….” It could be that your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure. You could try telling him what he does do that really satisfies you so that he is secure in his ability to please you. Keep the conversation positive and focus on what you like. I will pray for you as you navigate this season of your sex life.
As far as him coming in your mouth, I do understand what you mean about desiring penetration. I find sex more fulfilling when I orgasm with El Fury inside me. But, it is fun to change things up a bit. We have a move we call Old Faithful that we use mostly for foreplay, but sometimes we both orgasm during this move. Basically, I position myself so that I can give EF oral sex while he can play with me with his hand. He can occasionally penetrate me with his fingers while he rubs me. It’s not the same as his penis, of course, but it still feels really good. When we both climax this way, he brings me to orgasm first. He always talks about how sexy it is when I come with his penis in my mouth. It doesn’t take long after I orgasm for him to do the same.
And “T” wrote back:
Thank you Sexy Corte, it helps to know that there are those out there who understand. A lot of what has happened to my libido lately is because of the recent revelation that I’ve had about what a Biblical marriage allows in the marriage bed. We have always been highly appreciative of sex but because of religious taboos, I put out the fire on my adventurous nature concerning sex. After much study and also discovering several blogs on Christian marriage, my views about pleasuring each other have changed drastically. Now I can be on fire at a moments notice. I just don’t think he’s there yet.
You said, “It could be your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure.” I think you are right. I had that conversation with him last night after reading a blog about what excites women during sex. I told him that as a woman, knowing that he desires me is the biggest part of the turn-on….not simply him going through the motions because he knows I’m horny. I told him that if that was all I wanted, I could have bought a dildo years ago and been perfectly happy. I think he is starting to understand that I want HIM….the whole package, not just a penis. I did purchase some toys to pleasure him with. I am hoping that as I introduce things to give him pleasure, he will see that I am not “using” him, I am “enjoying” him. Thank you for your prayers and your advice as we experiment our way through new territory.
Thanks for the follow-up email. We hope your sex life is as awesome, adventurous, and amazing as God intends!
Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.
Doggy style — or “rear entry”, or sometimes “doggie style” — is one of the most popular and common sexual positions. According to Jay Dee’s (unscientific) reader survey of sexual positions doggy style is basically tied as one of the top three positions along with missionary (basic man-on-top) and cowgirl (basic woman-on-top). In fact, wives as a group appear to prefer doggy style to cowgirl!
Doggy style has a few distinctive benefits that make it a fun part of your repertoire:
Depth. Doggy style is the best position for maximum penetration. Depth feels awesome for the husband, but make sure to take things slowly so the wife is comfortable. The penis will tend to rub most strongly against the posterior wall of the vagina, which creates a different sensation for the wife than in a face-to-face position.
Dominance. Doggy style is a dominant position for the husband, and it makes him feel like a king; a wife who enjoys a submissive posture will like the position for the same reason.
Tightness. Depending on the variation used (see more below), doggy style can provide a very tight experience for husband and wife. Another reason to take it slow.
Visual. For a husband who likes his wife’s butt the view is amazing, second perhaps only to reverse cowgirl.
Bonus activities. Doggy style also enables a few bonus activities such as spanking, hip grabbing, and back and butt massage. The wife or husband can also reach underneath to play with the wife’s clit or the husband’s balls.
So what kind of variations are there?
Standard doggy style. The wife gets down on her hands and knees and the husband enters her from behind, either standing or kneeling. All the variations build on this basic configuration.
Leapfrog. Instead of being on her hands, the wife rests on her forearms, or elbows, or lowers her head to the floor. This variation changes the angle of penetration and increases tightness.
Arms restrained. Similar to leapfrog, but the wife’s arms are pulled up behind her back, creating an even more submissive posture. The husband can hold her hands (increasing intimacy) or her hands can be bound.
Jockey.The wife lays down on her stomach, possibly with a pillow under her hips for positioning; the husband lays on top of her and enters from behind. Jockey could be considered its own position rather than a variation on doggy style, but it’s part of the same family. Penetration won’t be nearly as deep as with standard doggy style, but there’s a ton of skin-to-skin contact which feels awesome, and lots of tightness if the wife keeps her legs together.
Over the Desk. This variation has the wife standing up and bent over a desk (or couch, or rock, or tree, or whatever). Perfect for times when you can’t get naked (like in public places).
The Magic Corner.The wife straddles and bends over the corner of the bed, supporting her weight. She can stimulating her clitoris with the surface of the bed, her hands, or a vibrator.
Here are some tips for making the most of doggy style.
Take it slow. As I mentioned above, take it slow! Doggy style is best and most comfortable when the wife is very aroused. When Sexy Corte and I use doggy style it generally isn’t our first position (unless its the jockey variant). Doggy style makes a great finisher (for him), so warm up, get the wife’s orgasm, and then move to doggy style.
Wife’s legs. When the wife keeps her legs together it increases tightness, which is pleasurable for both partners. However, the wife can have more movement and control of height and angle if she spreads her legs and the husband positions himself between them. In the standing variation, the wife can even cross her legs at the knees or ankles.
Arch your back. When the wife arches her back (pushing her tummy down) she improves the angle for her husband as well as gives him a great view.
Pillow support. Many of the variations can incorporate positioning pillows for support and leverage. Using a pillow will help you prevent unwanted motion and make the position more stable for both spouses.
Vibrator. Doggy style isn’t the best orgasm position for wives, but you can use a vibrator to assist.
So there you have it! Do you have any doggy style tips to share? Any variations that we missed? Please leave a comment!
It seems like there’s a lot of interest in bondage these days, and many couples are experimenting with stuff they never would have thought of before. If you’ve never tried bondage you may be wondering what the big deal is — why would anyone want to be restrained during sex? Well, we know nothing about the BDSM “scene” so we can’t speak very broadly, but we can tell you in one word why Sexy Corte and I periodically enjoy adding some light bondage to our sexy time: vulnerability.
To understand bondage let’s talk first about the goal, then the methods, then why it’s fun. The goal is simple: voluntarily restrain one spouse to enhance his or her vulnerability and submission. It seems most common for the wife to be restrained, but I’ve had Sexy Corte tie me down and tease me and it was lots of fun. Usually though, it’s me restraining her. The purpose of the restraint is to give control of your body to your spouse, not to be painful or uncomfortable. Submitting to bondage is a huge demonstration of trust to your spouse because it puts your naked body into their control and makes you supremely vulnerable. The bondage benefits both the dominant and the submissive spouse by giving the dominant person permission to act, and the submissive person permission to let go. The various toys described below are only used to accent the submission that has already been agreed to.
There are limitless methods of bondage, but they generally share a few common features.
Nakedness. The submissive spouse will usually be restrained naked, or at least with her sexy bits exposed. Being naked with your spouse is already a big show of trust, and being restrained kicks it up a notch.
Hand restraint. Often the submissive’s hands are restrained to prevent her from “protecting” herself. (I use quotes, because of course nothing should be happening against the submissive’s desires.) Hands can be restrained above the head (for example, tied to the headboard), behind the back, in front (for front-to-back positions), or even attached to the ankles. Hand restraint is probably the most common element of light bondage. Get those hands out of the way!
Leg restraint. Legs, ankles, and knees can be restrained to keep the wife’s legs spread or to prevent movement in general. Leg restraint is an important element of position restraint and orgasm control.
Head restraint. Head or neck restraint could be uncomfortable or even dangerous. This isn’t something we do.
Eye restraint. Covering the submissive’s eyes can add another layer of trust and enhance vulnerability. Using a blindfold can really make extended foreplay exciting.
Mouth restraint. Sometimes you just want to hear your spouse moan with pleasure instead of talk. Sometimes talking is distracting. Taking away the option to talk can be liberating for the person who is restrained. Always be sure that anyone whose mouth is covered can breathe freely and can signal a desire to stop.
Position restraint. A combination of restraints can be used to hold the submissive spouse in a certain position, say for spanking. This can be critical for orgasm delay and multiple orgasms, which we’ll talk about below.
So what are the actual devices that can be used for bondage play? Almost anything you can imagine can be incorporated, but here are a few ideas. Each of these items probably deserves its own post!
Wedge pillows. Sexy Corte and I enjoy these a lot for positioning, and they include attachments for…
Hand cuffs. We use some padded strips with velcro for closures and plastic clips that can be attached together or to the wedges. We’ve tried metal cuffs in the past, but they’re quite uncomfortable if you’re laying on them.
Under-the-mattress restraints. Looks complicated, but it’s not. The cuffs can be tucked under the mattress when not in use. These are especially useful if you don’t have a headboard suitable for tying to.
Blindfold. If you want to improvise, use a neck tie or panties.
Gags can be similarly improvised, or you can buy one.
Sex swing. We have one that can be quickly hung in a door frame and be used for a ton of positions. It’s easier than it looks.
Spreader bar. Keeps those legs apart. Can be used in many positions, including standing, but isn’t great for missionary. I made ours with a wooden dowel and some eye screws.
Pull-up bar. These can be mounted in a door way and used as a restraint point for securing someone in a standing position. Also great for getting ripped.
Vibrator. There are many kinds, but we find the egg vibrator to be the most versatile. We buy cheap ones (around $7 from Amazon) and replace them once or twice a year when they wear out. We also keep rechargeable batteries charging in our bedroom. A wand vibrator can also be useful for longer duration games or when you need more reach.
(Let me point out that you don’t actually need any toys! This post is getting long enough, so I won’t go into detail, but look forward to a future post on mental-only bondage.)
Finally, what’s fun about bondage anyway?
Intimacy. Like I said at the beginning: the essence of bondage is vulnerability, and vulnerability is the key to intimacy. Bondage will teach you new things about your spouse’s mind and body. Bondage will let you explore new levels of sexual trust. Bondage exposes you to each other in amazing ways.
Passion. Let’s face it: there can be something hot about dominating your spouse or submitting to his or her will. Maybe your sex is normally gentle and loving, and bondage lets you get a little rougher and more physically intense.
Foreplay. Bondage requires time to execute, and all that time can be used as foreplay focused on the spouse being bound.
Orgasm delay. Also known as teasing or edging. When the submissive spouse is free to move she can position her body just the right way to reach orgasm, and bondage can take away that ability and give control to the dominant spouse. It can be extremely difficult for a person to willingly back off from an orgasm when it’s close, but when using bondage the dominant spouse can pull back and keep the submissive spouse right on the edge without going over. This can make the orgasm incredibly powerful when it eventually comes.
Multiple orgasms. After a woman orgasms her clitoris may become intensely sensitive, such that further stimulation is uncomfortable. If her hands and legs are free she may push the stimulation away for relief. However, if she is bound such that she can’t “protect” her clitoris her husband can continue with the stimulation and bring her to multiple orgasms. Sexy Corte describes these as an unending plateau of orgasm, rather than the peak and descent of the normal experience. They’re also quite exhausting, so this probably isn’t something you’ll do every day. As a husband, giving my wife multiple orgasms is one of my absolute favorite things.
Fantasy. Bondage can be used as an element of fantasy or role-playing. It feels naughty, and once you’re in the naughty mindset you can free yourself to try some things that you normally wouldn’t. He’s the villain and she’s the kidnapped princess? She’s the super-spy and he’s the captured rogue agent who knows where the bomb is hidden?
Exploration. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for our sexual desires, even when the marriage has good communication. Bondage can be an avenue for exploring desires that are difficult to speak out loud but perhaps easier to request non-verbally while in the moment. New experiences can break old habits, and you’re already feeling naughty, right?
Escapism. Maybe it’s a minor form of dissociation, but bondage be a form of escapism from everyday life into a secret world of sex with your spouse.
Novelty. Bondage introduces a myriad of new sexual options, new ways to play, new positions, new toys, and maybe even new desires.
In the end bondage should be fun and promote intimacy and vulnerability in your marriage. As always, enthusiasm and responsiveness will ensure that you get the most from your sexual experience.
Let us know what you think in the comments! What are you experiences? Do you have any suggestions to add?
Your wife’s hips are awesome — beautiful and functional! Sure, there’s the whole having-a-baby thing, but they’re important for making babies too. I’m sure you’re familiar with their aesthetic value, but did you know that your wife’s hips are basically handles for her lady bits? Hips are super-sexy not just because they look great, but also because when a woman yields control of her hips she’s submitting her whole body to you. Nothing says “do me!” like when her hips melt into you.
Hips are awesome for turning a peck into a make-out session. When you want a deeper kiss you don’t grab her lips, you pull her hips up against yours and let her feel your arousal.
You can grab her hips to pull your wife into your lap. Or over your lap, if she needs a spanking.
When you hug her from behind, hold her around the hips — this can be much more erotic than a hug around the stomach, and it’s less obvious in public than if you grab her breasts!
Use your wife’s hips to direct her movements in almost any sexual position.
Doggie style is the most obvious, as you can use her hips to pull yourself deeper.
In missionary position you can use your thighs to change the angle of her hips. For the most control you want to angle her hips back so that her legs can go up in the air.
When she’s on top you can hold her hips and use your hands to guide her rhythm, as well as the style of motion (up-and-down, rolling, etc.). Use your hands to slow her down if you’re trying to delay orgasm.
Hip positioning is pretty critical for most positions, and your wife will probably appreciate it if you guide her to the right spot rather than making her guess.
Setup: Write the numbers 1-48 on the wooden blocks of your Jenga set. Print out the list below and perform the indicated activity when you pull the block with each number. Each activity should be performed for about one minute, and the game is over when the tower falls or you can’t avoid having sex.
Distract your spouse with your hands while they draw their next piece.
Distract your spouse with your mouth while they draw their next piece.
Distract your spouse visually while they draw their next piece.
Distract your spouse by footsie while they draw their next piece.
Remove an article of your clothing. If naked, play with yourself.
Remove an article of your clothing. If naked, play with yourself.
Remove an article of your clothing. If naked, play with yourself.
Remove an article of your spouse’s clothing. If naked, your spouse plays with themself.
Remove an article of your spouse’s clothing. If naked, your spouse plays with themself.
Remove an article of your spouse’s clothing. If naked, your spouse plays with themself.
Lap dance
Make out, focus on breasts
Make out, focus on butt
Make out, focus on husband’s body
Lick/suck your spouse wherever they like, focus on using your lips
Lick/suck your spouse wherever they like, focus on using your tongue
Lick/suck your spouse wherever they like, focus on kissing
Perform a sexy massage
Spank your spouse. Tell them how they were naughty.
Receive a spanking from your spouse. Confess how you were naughty.
Rub your fingertips over your spouse’s exposed skin
Tell your spouse a sexy story
Slow dance to a song of your choice
Sexy dance for your spouse to a song of their choice
Take off your spouse’s clothes as quickly as possible
Hold your hands behind your back while your spouse ravishes you
Kiss and lick your spouse’s neck
Kiss and lick your spouse’s inner leg, as high up as is currently bared
Tease your spouse, make them beg for more
Each spouse: pick a part of your spouse’s body and write a couplet about it
Pick a toy or prop for your post-game lovemaking
Role-play: pick up your spouse at a party
Role-play: you’re a photographer; pose your spouse and take pictures
Role-play: your spouse is your professor and you’re going to fail the class if you don’t change their mind
Role-play: your spouse is a cop and you really don’t want to get another speeding ticket
Game: Sexy staring contest
Game: Blindfold yourself and catch your spouse (Marco Polo)
Game: Sexy thumb wrestling, use your free hand to distract by any means
Winning: winner decides how to start having sex.
Repetition: some pieces of wood are larger than others, so if you seem to get the same activities every time you play you can just add 1 to your numbers.
Should you spank your wife? Of course! I highly recommend it. Sex starts long before penetration, and spanking is a fun way to build sexual tension. Spanking is a power move, a move of possession, and a not-so-subtle way for you as the husband to prime the sexual pump and set expectations. A smack on the ass says you are my woman, prepare to be boarded.
So how to do it right?
I love to pat Sexy Corte’s butt whenever it is in reach. She has a fantastic rear, and I feel like it deserves to be touched and admired. These love-taps are pretty expected by now, to the point where I sometimes catch myself doing them in public. Haven’t had a complaint yet!
When there’s time for a kiss, you can escalate with a spank. This always gets a friendly wiggle and purr. Feel free to grab a cheek while you’re down there if the kiss lingers.
If you really want to get your wife’s attention, spank her a bit harder so she jumps and lets out an “oh!” If she turns back to you with a how dare you look (real or pretend) just smile and say something naughty. “I have got to have that ass later tonight.”
Spanking as foreplay works great, especially when it’s an unexpected surprise. Spanking is also a great accent move for when you’re having sex, but it doesn’t work in Missionary Position. Here are some ideas:
Wife on top. No matter which way she’s facing you should be able to work in a few spanks just as she’s reaching orgasm.
Doggy-style gives you clear access to your target, and this is already a powerful position for the husband. Avoid the temptation to go overboard.
Wife standing, bent over. This position is great for quickies, and a spank is great for getting a reaction if your wife is trying to be quiet because you’re being naughty in a semi-public place.
Arousal and orgasm generally increase a woman’s pain threshold, and she might enjoy a little more force when you’re in the throes of passion. As always, communicate.
Do you and your spouse spank? Got any tips to share?
Update, this evening:
After getting the kids out of the tub, Sexy Corte caught me in our room getting ready to shower. She said “how about a quickie?” so I laid on the floor and she started riding me. She must have liked this post because she said, “Don’t forget to spank me!” Solid.
