Sex Q&A: Lots of Questions from Newlyweds 1

Here are a selection of emails we’ve gotten recently from newlyweds.

Almost-Husband “AI” writes:

Hi Sexy Corte, I’ve been visiting this page for a while and have enjoyed what you and your husband have been doing. I really appreciate it. I’m a virgin and am about to get married. I’m excited and very nervous. Me and my fiance have been talking about our expectations and have been very clear with each other how excited we are to have sex. We are both very sexual, we make jokes and dirty references (we are remaining pure however) and I’m asking as a male for some advice for the first time. I’ve seen the post someone else made where they asked a similar question and I guess I’m looking for an updated if there is one necessary. I just don’t want to disappoint her and want to make sure our first time is as special as possible.

(Note: Here are the earlier posts: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex and Follow-Up: First-Time Wedding Night Sex.)

I love that you and your future wife are already communicating about sex, that is setting a tone for a great sex life and a great marriage! Your wedding night will be special because it will be your first time together. Don’t put too much pressure on it though. You will have years together to explore each other and learn how to please each other best. Sex in the beginning of marriage isn’t polished, and it’s good to be able to laugh and fumble your way through a little. And that’s beautiful. Keep the focus on each other, your intimacy and love for each other, and less on the performance. I pray that God would bless your marriage and bless your sex life. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “HZ” writes:

Hello, I’m a newly wed, married for almost 7 months. I have yet to orgasm and don’t know how to get there… My husband and I have tried a lot… stimulation with hands, mouth, vibrator, long foreplay etc… nothing has worked yet. Though we love our sex life, we’re both getting discouraged that it’s taking this long. My husband is very supportive and encouraging, but sometimes I think maybe I’ll never orgasm, that maybe there’s something wrong with me and my body isn’t able to? Is that a possibility? Do you have any tips or ideas I could try to get myself there?

Thanks for your email. It can take a while to figure these things out, so have patience and keep trying. Every woman is different, so you have to explore and find out what best pleases you. It’s unlikely that your body can’t orgasm at all.

How long have you tried foreplay for? When I was ‘new’ to having an orgasm, it could take me 45 minutes to an hour. There are times it can still take that long! Having an orgasm is like a muscle that you have to train. When you and your husband are intimate, have the mindset that you are going to work on finding what feels best for an extended period of time. Use lube and have him focus around your clitoris. If he finds a spot that feels good, have him focus there. Make sure you are focusing around the clit, taking enough time, and using lube as needed. Use his hand or a vibrator. Just relax and explore together.

If this persists, you can always talk to your doctor about it. Being married and having sex can take some time to get used to. There is a lot to figure out! You have your whole lifetime together to find out what you like. It can be really fun to discover new things together! I prayed for you that God will open this up for you. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “RO” writes:

Hi! My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now. I’m currently in counseling and diving into my childhood pains and beliefs. We were both virgins when we got married and since we’ve been married our experience with sex has been up and down.. at least for me and my emotions.

I grew up with movies, pornography and fantasies defining what sex was to me. This made me expect sex to be perfect and extremely pleasurable, but getting married was a wake up call! It takes so much vulnerability and work just to feel connected and successful in our sex life. Recently we went 6 months without sex… that’s so sad! I would help him out with hand jobs and he would occasionally help me out. I noticed that I fantasize about being pursued sexually, however when my husband actually does pursue me I find myself thinking “all he wants is sex” and “he doesn’t really care about you” and other similar thoughts. Then we end up not having sex.

I guess my question is, have you experienced this? How have you pushed through and continued to have sex everyday without feeling abandoned, like that’s all your hubby wants? I know I struggle with even allowing myself to feel turned on so I know I need to dig into this more with possible counseling.

Thanks for your email. I have come to understand that EF will never stop wanting sex. It isn’t all he wants, but it is a biological need that drives him to pursue sex more frequently than I do. Every person is different and has different drives. I know he doesn’t only want sex because we do have many other interests and activities together. Our relationship isn’t only about sex. Sex is a big part of our relationship, and often sets the tone for our interactions outside of having sex.

Your past can shape you but it doesn’t define you. The Bible tells us to set aside the things that entangle us and to move forward. Focus on creating sexual memories with your husband and explore what you like together so that your mind can dwell on what you and your husband have done together instead of how sex was previously defined for you. It’s great that you are talking through these things with your counselor. That can be extremely helpful to sort out your thoughts.

Praying that God would heal you and bless your marriage and bless your sex life!

We get a lot of emails, but we try to read and respond to them all. Please leave us a comment with your advice to these newlyweds!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Vibrators: A Cure For "Hysteria" 2

Were vibrators invented by 19th-century doctors to cure women of “hysteria”? It’s story so good we all want it to be true — but it probably isn’t. From Mara Hvistendahl writing in Scientific American:

For a sex toy, the vibrator’s roots seem amazingly antiseptic and clinical. Prescribed as a cure for the curious disease hysteria, the device for decades found clinical application as a supposed medical therapy.

Derived from the Greek word for “uterus,” hysteria occurred in women with pent-up sexual energy—or so healers and early physicians believed. Nuns, widows and spinsters were particularly susceptible, but by the Victorian era many married women had fallen prey as well. In the late 19th century a pair of prominent physicians estimated that three quarters of American women were at risk.

The prescription of clitoral orgasm as a treatment for hysteria dates to medical texts from the first century A.D. Hysterical women typically turned to doctors, who cured them with their hands by inducing a “paroxysm”—a term that hides what we now know as a sexual climax. But manual stimulation was time-consuming and (for the doctors at least) tedious. In The Technology of Orgasm: “Hysteria,” the Vibrator and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, science historian Rachel P. Maines reports that physicians often passed the job off to midwives.

Thanks to the vibrator, doctors and midwives could give their hands a rest and patients could get the treatment they needed… in the comfort of their own homes.

Patients were happy, too. The number of health spas offering vibration therapy multiplied, and the service was so popular vibrator manufacturers warned doctors not to overdo it with the modern appliance: if they met relentless patient demand, even mechanical vibration could be tiring. By the turn of the century needlework catalogues advertised models for women who wanted to try the treatment at home, making the vibrator the fifth electric appliance to arrive in the home—after the sewing machine, the fan, the teakettle and the toaster.

Ok, it’s a great story, but Fern Riddell is here to ruin our fun.

So did the real Dr Granville invent an electronic device for massage? Yes. Was it anything to do with the female orgasm? No. He actually invented it to help stimulate male pain relief, just as massage is used today.

Victorian doctors knew exactly what the female orgasm was; in fact, it’s one of the reasons they thought masturbation was a bad idea. A few theorised that it might be beneficial to a woman for her period pain, but the majority of doctors saw the art of self-pleasure as highly dangerous to your health.

This attitude was not because they were on some sort of anti-pleasure, or anti-sex crusade, but because orgasms were actually important to the Victorians. Marriage guides discussing the sex act often claimed that a woman in a sexually satisfying relationship was more likely to become pregnant, as the wife’s orgasm was just as necessary to conception as her husband’s. A book called The Art to Begetting Handsome Children, published in 1860, contains a detailed passage on foreplay, and shows us that, for the Victorians, sex, pleasure and love were concepts that were universally tied together. In A Guide To Marriage, published in 1865 by the aptly named Albert Sidebottom, the advice to young couples exploring their relationship for the first time is that “All love between the sexes is based upon sexual passion”. This is something I’ve come across time and again in researching Victorian attitudes to sex: sexual pleasure, and especially female sexual pleasure, really mattered.

So if doctors were using vibrators to treat their female patients, everyone knew exactly what was going on. The idea that female orgasms were discovered by humanity a mere 200 years ago is absurd when you think about it — our ancestors were just as sexual as we are and knew how to have a good time. But the story is still fun, and might make for an enjoyable doctor-patient role-playing scenario!

Addendum: There is merit to the use of sexual intimacy to heal and recover from grief or stress, but that’s more psychological than medical. If any wives out there have experience treating their “hysteria” with “paroxysms” please let us know in the comments!

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"She's dirty and amenable" -- Sexual Fantasies About Your Spouse 3

Having sexual fantasies about your spouse is great, and sharing your fantasies with each other is a good way to deepen your sexual relationship.

Earlier this week Sexy Corte was on her period and going out with the kids for a playdate with some of their friends. She joked, “I know what you’ll be doing while I’m gone”. An evening with the house to myself?!

Me: “Playing video games.”

Her: “And jerking off.”

She was right, of course, and when she came home she asked about my fantasies.

Me: “Fantasy Sexy Corte is always home with me, and always eager to please!”

Her: “Oh yeah? And what exactly does Fantasy Sexy Corte do, hmmmm?”

Me: “She’s dirty and amenable.”

Now, Sexy Corte is very open minded and agreeable, so this isn’t a knock on her at all. But Fantasy Sexy Corte will give me an hour-long blowjob while I play video games. Sharing these fantasies with Sexy Corte is a fun way to expand our sexual conversation, and every real sex act we do starts in one of our minds as a fantasy.

Your spouse should be the focus of your sexual energy, in “real life” and in your fantasies. Be as open as you can when sharing your fantasies with your spouse, and when your spouse shares with you be sure to listen without judgement or offense.

Do you share your sexual fantasies with your spouse? If so, how do those conversations go?

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Role-Playing: Shoplifter and Police Officer 4

Lots of people ask us for more role-playing scenarios, so here’s one we haven’t tried yet: shoplifter and police officer.

(If you haven’t read the how-to do sexual role-playing post yet, you might want to start there. Don’t worry… it’s normal to feel a little silly and awkward at first!)

The setup: The shoplifter is suspected of stealing something, and the police officer has been called to investigate. This scenario seems particularly suitable for either spouse to play either role, but I’m going to write this up as if the wife is the Shoplifter and the husband is the Officer. It’s important to remember that role-playing is play. Both spouses should be comfortable and have fun, even though the play puts the Officer in a position of power.

The Shoplifter and Police Officer scenario is fun for several reasons:

  • Power exchange. The power dynamic between the Officer and the Shoplifter is fun to play with. The Shoplifter can’t leave until the Officer is satisfied — satisfied that nothing was stolen, of course. The Officer may be completely upright in his approach, but he needs to search the Shoplifter very thoroughly before he can let her go. Or maybe the Officer has other intentions and sees this as an opportunity to take advantage of the beautiful and vulnerable Shoplifter. Or maybe the Shoplifter decides to seduce the Officer so she can escape with her stolen goods. There are several different ways to play the scenario.
  • Familiar emotional hooks. Even if you’ve never shoplifted or caught a shoplifter, the emotional hooks in this scenario should be pretty straight forward. The Shoplifter wants to get away, with or without her stolen goods. The Officer wants to catch the thief… or maybe he can be convinced to look the other way. Can the Officer find the stolen items that the Shoplifter has hidden around her body? Can the Shoplifter talk her way out of the situation, or maybe use her mouth in some other way?
  • Clear goals. The goals are pretty straight forward, since we know the Shoplifter is guilty. Phase 1: The Shoplifter has hidden a few small items around her body, and the Officer needs to find them. The Shoplifter will try to avoid being searched, but she grudgingly complies with the Officer’s instructions. Phase 2: Eventually the Officer will find the stolen items and tell the Shoplifter that she’s in big trouble. The Shoplifter will realize the seriousness of the situation and try to find some other way out. How far is she willing to go to satisfy the Officer and avoid arrest?

Here’s a note that the Officer can send to the Shoplifter in advance to set things up. (You can adjust the language if the Shoplifter is initiating the scenario.)

You are being detained for suspicion of shoplifting. You will meet Officer El Fury in the detention room at 8pm so that he can question you and search you for stolen goods. This is a very serious situation, and your cooperation is required. (Hide 1-3 small items (like jewelry) on your person and meet me in our bedroom at 8pm.)

Each spouse should complete their preparations before the designated start time. Potential props to prepare in advance:

  • Jewelry or stolen goods. The Shoplifter should hide some small, valuable items on her person.
  • Detention room. The Officer should prepare the detention room with any investigatory props they may want to use: notebook and pen, handcuffs, (fake) camera, (fake) tape recorder.
  • Lube, vibrator, washcloth. All the usual tools and toys.

Here are some tips for the Officer and ideas for things he can say.

  • Dress like a police detective, including a badge, a notebook for clues, and handcuffs.
  • Attitude. You should stand and loom over the sitting Shoplifter. Walk around her in a superior manner. Ask intrusive questions and make her defend herself from your accusations.
  • Questions. Ask a lot of vague and threatening questions.
  • Searching. Put your hands all over the Shoplifter and search her for stolen goods. Make her remove her clothes, one piece at a time. Dismiss her objections, since you’re just doing your job.
  • “You’re not leaving this room until my investigation is complete.”
  • “I’m sure you’re innocent, but I’ve got to search you just to make sure.” “You don’t have anything to hide, do you?”
  • “Do you know why you’re here?” “When I search you, am I going to find anything?”
  • “If you have stolen anything I’m going to find it, and you’re going to go to jail.”
  • “You’re going to jail unless you convince me otherwise.”
  • “Take off your shirt. Fold it and put it on the table.” Make a show of searching her shirt and then feeling around her naked skin.
  • “Take off your pants/skirt. Fold them and put them on the table.”
  • “I need you to take off your bra. You could have something hidden in there.” Rub your fingers all over her skin, as if there could be something hidden anywhere.
  • “I need you to take off your panties. I can’t let you go until I’ve finished searching you.”
  • “Lift up your arms.” “Spread your legs.” “Turn around and bend over.”
  • “I can’t give you your clothes back until my investigation is complete.”
  • “I can feel how wet you are. I can see your nipples are hard. Is this turning you on?” “It looks like this is arousing you. Are you enjoying this? Do you think this is a game?”
  • “Considering all this jewelry you stole, you’re going to spend the next two years in jail. Why shouldn’t I arrest you?”
  • “If you want me to let you go, you’re going to have to give me a reason.” “Why should I risk my job for you?” “What’s in it for me?”
  • “I really don’t want to send you to jail. Maybe we can find you a way out of this. What can you offer me?”
  • “I know you’re a naughty girl. Why don’t you show me how naughty?”
  • “Are you a good girl or a bad girl?” “Good girls get down on their knees. Bad girls get spanked first.”
  • “Yes, you can pay your fine directly to me. One orgasm for each of us.”
  • “You did the crime, now you have to put in the work to get us both off.”

Here are some tips for the Shoplifter and ideas for things she can say.

  • Dress in clothes that will be fun to search and remove, and that you can hide your stolen goods in. Hide the goods all over your body so the Officer has to search everywhere to find them all.
  • Attitude. There are a lot of ways you can play this. You can be bratty and annoyed that you’re under suspicion, or scared at the prospect of going to jail, or angry and defiant, or eager and apologetic. Mix it up and change your attitude through the course of the scenario. Though you might be resistant and resentful, you should (eventually) comply with the Officer’s requests. If you want the scenario to get more physically rough then make sure you talk about it beforehand.
  • Make the Officer’s job difficult. Never reveal any stolen items, make him find them. Deny and deflect. Turn away. Refuse to follow instructions (at first).
  • “This is ridiculous, I didn’t steal anything.” “You can’t prove anything.” “Let me go.”
  • “You want to search me? No way, you can’t do that.” “You can’t just touch me like that!”
  • “Wait, I could go to jail? For what?” “I don’t know how that got there.”
  • “Why do I have to take off my shirt? Can’t you just pat me down or something? Ok ok, fine, I’ll take it off.”
  • “My pants too? This is ridiculous.”
  • “You want me to take off my bra? Is this necessary?” “And my panties?”
  • “Ok, so I stole a few things. It’s not that big a deal. You found them, so can I go now?”
  • “Can I have my clothes back and get dressed?”
  • “Maybe there’s some other way we can deal with this.” “Is there some way I can pay a fine to you right now and make this all go away?”
  • “Listen, I don’t want to get arrested.” “What do you want me to do?” “Just tell me, I’ll do anything to avoid jail.”
  • “I’ve never done this before.” “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
  • “I’m a good girl. Let me prove it to you.”
  • “Yes I’m a bad girl, but I’ve never been caught before. You deserve some kind of reward.” “Maybe you can teach me to be a good girl.”
  • “So if I give us each an orgasm then I can go?” “I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Afterwards, break the scene and leave your roles. The game is over (for now), so go back to being your normal selves. Have a good cuddle. Talk about your favorite parts of the scene. Later on, after the glow wears off, discuss anything you didn’t like and wouldn’t choose to do again. If your spouse really liked some element that wasn’t your favorite, negotiate and compromise and find the common ground that works for your marriage.

Have you ever role-played with your spouse in a scenario like this before? Did you enjoy it? Leave a comment and share your experience.

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Bifecta: Sex and Duolingo 5

We’ve written about bifectas before, but here’s a weird one: combining sex and Duolingo. Duolingo is an app for learning languages — Sexy Corte is learning Italian, and I’m learning Latin. We both have long daily streaks going, so we rarely miss a day. The other night I wanted to have sex but Sexy Corte hadn’t done her Duo yet so we compromised: we’d have sex while she learned Italian. Very efficient!

In this instance Sexy Corte wasn’t in the mood to go for an orgasm for herself, so while we had sex we chatted and laughed at the odd situation while she tried to focus on pronouncing Italian phrases into her phone. I can’t quite figure out why, but the whole experience was extremely arousing to me. If you had asked me beforehand if I’d find this sexy I probably wouldn’t have thought so, but it was. Thinking about doing it again is arousing, even though I can’t explain why.

It may seem silly, but it’s pretty fun combine mental exertion with sexual stimulation — it seems like there’s something arousing to me about her being focused on a task while we had sex. I really want to see if Sexy Corte can focus on Italian while I’m playing with her clit. If she were being stimulated to orgasm the whole experience would be very different — I’d love to give her an irresistible orgasm while she cried out in Italian. I feel like it’s more difficult for me to become undistractably aroused… I get very task-focused and the arousal doesn’t stick. See also: Tie, Tease, Trivia.

Have you ever done anything like this? Do you have a favorite bifecta? Leave us a comment and tell us about it. We’re always looking for something new to try.

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"Take her easy -- and if she's easy, take her twice." 6

As Sexy Corte once told me, “Take her easy — and if she’s easy, take her twice.” Here are a few other sayings that you might be familiar with:

  • Proverbs 10:5 – “He who gathers crops in summer is a prudent son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.”
  • Strike while the iron’s hot
  • Carpe diem — “seize the day”
  • Opportunity knocks
  • Make hay while the sun shines
  • You snooze, you lose
  • Catch the wave
  • Let your winners run
  • The stars are aligned

Every couple goes through periods when sex and intimacy are difficult. Time and energy are scarce, stress and busyness are high, and the two of you just aren’t connecting. Sexy Corte and I have been going through a period like that for a few weeks: a minor house remodel has taken more time, effort, and money that we expected, and work has been busy and stressful.

These times can be frustrating and nerve-wracking, but eventually they pass. We’re almost done with the remodel, and work is easing. Sexy Corte is on a fun trip with one of our kids, and she’ll get home tomorrow. And then…

When the timing is right, have sex twice! Take advantage of the good times in life, when your relationship is solid, when communication is strong, when you have time and energy — don’t waste it. Let your love overflow. Invest in your sex life, and your investments will pay off double the next time you struggle.

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"8 Reasons to Marry a Fit Person" -- Or Get Fit With Your Spouse 7

Maybe you look like Michelangelo’s David or maybe you “do the best with what you’ve got” — either way, the time and energy you invest into health and fitness can pay off in your marriage. Obviously there’s more to a good marriage than fitness, but fitness is the topic of this post. Consider 1 Corinthians 6:19-20,

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I (generally) like this list from T-Nation, so let’s consider their “8 Reasons to Marry a Fit Person” from the perspective of married people who want to be the best version of themselves for their spouse.

1 Fit Marriages Are Less Likely To Become Fat Divorces

Google one of those “Top 10 Causes of Divorce” lists. Money and infidelity issues are always at the top but look further down the list. What do you see? Weight gain.

When relationship columnist David Eddie scoured anonymous relationship-help forums, he found something surprising. Most of the people who were unhappy with their rapidly expanding spouses were women. Here’s an example:

“I love my husband, but he’s become a tubby hubby and refuses to do anything about it. Now I’m not attracted to him, and I’m thinking of leaving.”

Ouch. Well, check out “Do You Even Lift?” and “It’s Important To Stay Skinny For My Husband” for some tips. Don’t hold yourself to an unreasonable standard — just put in the work to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

2 Fit Men Make More Money

Women are often criticized for wanting to marry a man who either has money or has the kind of drive that would help him make money in the future. It’s an unfair criticism.

Husbands are usually the primary source of income, especially after kids come along. And since arguments over money (or the lack thereof) are the number two indicator of an impending divorce, not marrying a lazy guy is a perfectly acceptable and smart criterion for husband pickin’.

We hardly ever write about money, but here’s one post that touches on the topic: “Science and the Bible Agree: More Money Won’t Make You Happier”. If you don’t have enough money to meet your family’s basic needs, then money will make you happier. Beyond that, it doesn’t seem like money is nearly as important as we think it is. I don’t think I’d put in effort to get fit just to (possibly) earn more money.

3 Fit People Know How To Stay Fit

Most people gain some weight after marriage, even fit people. That’s not a marriage ender, of course, but when one spouse loses the weight and the other doesn’t, it can lead to problems.

Anyone can learn how to get and stay fit. Being fit is simple, but it’s not easy. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Like point #5 says below, we should be motivating each other to be our best.

4 Sex Is More Frequent and More Satisfying

The good news is that several studies show that fit people have more sex than unfit people. And married people have MORE sex than single people, despite all that right-swiping that singles do.

Fit people usually feel better about themselves and are more likely to get naked. All their parts work better, too. When you exercise regularly, all the healthy hormones (testosterone, dopamine) are ramped up while the trickier hormones (cortisol) are tamped down if you program wisely.

In one study titled “Sexual Desirability and Sexual Performance: Does Exercise and Fitness Really Matter?” the authors concluded:

“Exercise frequency and physical fitness enhance attractiveness and increase energy levels, both of which make people feel better about themselves. Those who exercise are more likely to experience a greater level of satisfaction and a positive perception of self. Moreover, those who feel better about themselves may perceive they are more sexually desirable and may perform better sexually. The majority of individuals who are regularly physically active are healthier, and perhaps healthier individuals may be more willing and able to have sex.”

We’ve written a lot about sexual frequency and sexual quality, and there’s no doubt that exercise is great for sex. Sleep is at least as important as exercise for fitness and sexual satisfaction.

5 A Fit Spouse is the World’s Best Motivator

You’ve heard the saying, “We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Well, your spouse is your number one peer in that group of five. And if they’re serious about staying healthy and strong, that kind of peer pressure, even unspoken, is a very good thing.

A fit spouse keeps you on your toes. You may hit the gym a little more often, choose foods a little more wisely, or just be influenced by your spouse’s healthy behaviors.

Good habits and bad habits are both contagious. Hebrews 10:24 says, “Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” — and that doesn’t mean to nag or complain! Encourage and build up your spouse, and allow yourself to be encouraged by your spouse in return. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

6 Fit Spouses Live Longer

You’re in this for life, right? ‘Till death do you part? Wanting to grow old together on the porch and all that good stuff?

Well, all that’s kinda wrecked if your spouse gets heart disease in their 50’s or type 2 diabetes, well, any time. Choose a spouse that does their best to make it to that front porch swing with you.

Interestingly, it seems that a wife has a particularly strong influence on her husband’s life expectancy.

7 Fit People Are Usually Happier

Want a happy marriage? Marry a happy person. Sure beats being married to someone who’s perpetually bitter, angry, or sad.

Studies show that fit people are generally happier. Even if they struggle with depression or down times, they have the tools (exercise, good food, and good supplements) to alleviate or minimize it.

Our minds are bodies were created together. Sometimes we Christians have a tendency to view our bodies as evil or corrupted, and our minds as good or spiritual. This is wrong. God created both, and he will redeem both in the resurrection. We feel good when our minds are aligned with God’s will — through prayer, study, and fellowship — and we can find similar satisfaction when we align our bodies. Just like Bible study prepares the mind to serve, physical exercise prepares the body.

8 Shared Passion = Marriage Longevity

Australian researchers wanted to find out the key to long marriages. After studying thousands of happily married geriatrics, they concluded that it all comes down to shared experiences.

Going to the gym, being active outdoors, and preparing healthy meals that you eat together are all shared experiences. And since fresh sweat does have some mild aphrodisiacal properties, the couple who plays together often gets frisky together.

The shared experience of exercise is a huge benefit to me and Sexy Corte. We both love to run, and running together is one of our best times. If you’re struggling to exercise, find an activity that you can do with your spouse and you’ll get a double-benefit from the time invested!

If you want to improve your marriage and your sex life, you should consider improving your fitness together. What’s your experience? Leave us a comment below.

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In this episode El Fury and Sexy Corte discuss what they’ve learned about sex during their first decade of marriage.

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"Attractive female students no longer earned higher grades when classes moved online during COVID-19" 8

If you’re not an attractive woman then you may have benefited from the pandemic in ways you haven’t realized:

A large body of research suggests that physical appearance has an impact on a person’s success. For example, attractive people tend to earn more money and report higher life satisfaction than less attractive people. Interestingly, scholars have yet to agree on the explanation behind this beauty premium.

One account suggests that the beauty advantage can be explained by discrimination. For example, employers may inherently favor attractive over unattractive workers. Another perspective suggests that beauty is a productivity-enhancing attribute. This view suggests that attractiveness lends itself to higher productivity, for example, through increased self-confidence.

When analyzing the data, Mehic first found evidence of the beauty premium in traditional in-person instruction. For non-quantitative courses (e.g., business, economics) that were taught fully online, student attractiveness was positively correlated with student grades. However, this effect was not found for quantitative courses (e.g., math, physics). This was in line with the researcher’s expectations since non-quantitative classes tend to include assignments and presentations that encourage student-teacher interaction, while quantitative classes are often graded entirely through final exams.

The results next revealed that the switch to online instruction eliminated the beauty premium — but only for female students. For non-quantitative courses, attractive female students saw a decline in their grades with remote instruction, while attractive male students continued to enjoy a beauty advantage.

Fortunately, most of our marriages are in-person! Whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s worthwhile to be the best version of yourself for your spouse — which includes doing your best to stay fit, healthy, and attractive. Don’t aim at an unattainable standard set by the beauty industry, but we should all do the work to make the most of the body God has given us.

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Sex Q&A: Bisexual Attraction 9

Reader and commenter Joe Caveman (who asked to use his commenting name rather than being anonymous) has some questions about bisexual attraction and when/if to discuss it with a woman he’s dating.

Hello! I’ve been following your site for a few years, and I appreciate your open-minded, yet principled exploration of sexual topics. This question is for both of you, but SC’s perspective might be especially helpful. Feel free to include this or a pared-down version of it in a Q&A post.

When and how should I come out to a significant other about being bisexual? For example: casually, after a couple of dates? Deliberately, soon before engagement? Whenever a fitting occasion arises, even if it’s not until five years into our marriage?

Perhaps a little more information would be helpful. I’m not out of the closet to anyone close enough to me to know my real name. Also, I’m not “struggling” with homosexuality, in the sense that I’m pretty sure I could feel sexually satisfied by heterosexual, monogamous marriage. I’m not tempted by extramarital homosexual desires any more than I’m tempted by extramarital heterosexual desires.

For that reason, I don’t think my bisexuality should actually matter very much to a prospective spouse. On the other hand, one of the women who I’ve dated spontaneously suggested that she wouldn’t date a bisexual person, and one of my sisters recently said something similar.

Is there a right time to come out to your significant other? Is there a right way? If your significant other is bisexual, would it be important for you to know that? If so, then why?

I’d appreciate your insight into any of these questions.

El Fury writes: We’ve received variations on this question before, and it’s great that Joe is willing to kick off this discussion publicly. The Bible clearly forbids homosexual sexual activity, so we’re going to focus on Joe’s question about same-sex attraction.

The Bible doesn’t really say much about attraction itself, which is mostly involuntary. We have very little control over what we’re attracted to, but we are responsible for how we act on our attractions. In the 10th Commandment God commands us not to “covet”, which has a sense beyond mere attraction or desire — to covet is to want something so much that you make plans and take action to possess it.

So, it seems to us that same-sex attraction is not a sin. See also: What Is Lust?

Sexy Corte writes: We think that the most important thing is that you are attracted and faithful to your wife. That doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find someone else attractive. That would be impossible! But, in your thoughts and your actions, you stay faithful to your wife.

This does seem like something that would be good to talk about before marriage. I wish I could tell you the right time to have that conversation. We encourage all of our readers to develop an open dialogue with their spouses about their sex life together. If you are comfortable talking about your sex life, you will have a better sex life. Open communication solves a lot of problems in relationships and if you develop that practice then I think you will be able to discuss your attraction to both men and women.

To which Joe replied:

Yesterday, I broached the topic with my girlfriend of two months. It was during an especially personal conversation in which we explicitly decided to discuss things that we needed to know about the other person and things we needed to share about ourselves.

I gave her most of the details that I gave you, and she took it very well. She said that it doesn’t change anything, and she thanked me for trusting her enough to share it with her.

I appreciate your encouragement. Your measured reaction helped give me the confidence to have the conversation.

My girlfriend did express one concern about my bisexuality. I’ve wavered on the sinfulness of homosexuality in the past, and she wanted to know what would happen if, at some point in the future, I decided that it wasn’t sinful. I explained to her that I still wouldn’t date men, because:

  1. If I became romantically involved with a man and then changed my mind again, then extricating myself from that relationship would be emotionally damaging to myself and him.
  2. Most of my family strongly disapproves of same-sex relationships, so dating a man would needlessly sow discord among my family.
  3. Eliminating men from my dating pool only marginally affects its size. There are a lot more opposite-sex-attracted women than same-sex-attracted men.

My girlfriend was satisfied by my reasoning, and there hasn’t been any tension regarding the subject since then. In fact, as I alluded to in my last email, the experience as a whole probably improved our relationship, due to the trust and communication that it established.

We love seeing God work, and we pray for wisdom as we search for God’s will in our lives and marriages.

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