In our last post we wrote about praying explicitly for your sexual desires, and after you talk with God it’s time to talk with your spouse! This post will give you some ideas for how to do that. (You should also check out How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)
In this post we’re going to continue using the same examples we used previously, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex. One of these is a desire for more of a specific sex act, and the other is a general desire for more orgasms — hopefully you can adapt the ideas in this post to whatever your personal circumstances are.
Remember the key verses we discussed:
James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.
After you’ve shared your explicit requests with God, here are some concrete conversational steps you can take to share them with your spouse.
- Pray first. Read the previous post on praying for your sexual desires, and ask God before you ask your spouse. Remember: God wants your sex life with your spouse to be awesome.
- Go in with the right attitude. Let your words demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit: kind, gentle, loving, joyful, patient.
- “I really enjoy having sex with you.”
- “Our sex life is really important to me, and I’m eager to make it as awesome as possible.”
- “I think you’re very sexy. You’re the only person I ever want to have sex with.”
- “I have something I’d like to ask you for. It’s something that’s important to me that I want to share with you.”
- “I’ve been praying about our sex life, and there’s something I want to ask you.”
- “It’s ok if you don’t respond right now. You can take time to think and pray about it yourself.”
- “I’d also love to know anything I can do for you.”
- Be direct, specific, and explicit with your request. Your spouse can’t read your mind! Maybe you’ve been giving hints and leaving clues, but you aren’t married to Sherlock Holmes. It takes courage to let yourself be vulnerable by speaking your desires out-loud to your spouse and facing possible rejection. Hopefully your spouse will appreciate your openness!
- “I really enjoy when you give me a blowjob, and I’d like you to do that more often.”
- “I really like having an orgasm with you, and I’d like to do that more often.”
- “Would you be willing to do that once a week?” “Once a month?” “Every time we have sex?”
- “I’d like to have three orgasms each week. Would you be willing to try that?”
- “You often do X, but would you consider doing Y instead?”
- Listen for your spouse’s response. Your spouse may enthusiastically agree to your request… or maybe not. Maybe your spouse will have questions or concerns. Maybe your spouse just isn’t sure how to respond immediately. Be quiet and create conversational space for your spouse to think and respond. Don’t jump in with arguments or persuasion. Just listen. You’ve been thinking and praying about this for a long time, but this may be the first time your spouse has considered your desire. It might take several days for your spouse to respond — that’s ok! Chill.
- Negotiate. After your spouse has responded in full, it’s time to negotiate. If your spouse simply agrees to your request, then shut up. Don’t talk past the sale. If your spouse is reluctant or unwilling, then you need to have a discussion about how you might be able to reach a compromise. You may not get everything you want, but maybe you can get some of what you want. The ins-and-outs of negotiation are beyond the scope of this post, but the point isn’t to change your spouse’s mind. The point is to find a compromise that is satisfying to both people. Don’t invalidate your spouse’s response, but explore the space and see what’s possible.
- If your spouse simply agrees with your request: “That’s great, thank you so much. I love you.”
- “Then would you be willing to give me a blowjob once a week?” “Once a month?”
- “Would you be willing to give me an orgasm twice a week?”
- “What if we reserve Friday nights for this?” “Or Saturday morning?”
- “What if we try it a few times and see?” “Can we try it for a month and see how it goes?”
- “How about if we do it occasionally, but not every time?”
- “Is there anything I could do to make it easier or more appealing for you?”
- “I understand, thanks for considering it.”
- “Can we talk about this again in a few months?”
- Make a specific and explicit agreement. Hopefully you’re able to find some kind of resolution that satisfies both of you, even if it’s just “try and see”. You don’t need to write a contract, but make sure that you’re on the same page so that expectations are aligned. You can always change things later, but you’ll both be frustrated and annoyed if your spouse thinks you’ve agreed to something you haven’t.
- “Yes, I’d be happy to give you a blowjob every week.”
- “Yes, I’d be happy to give you three orgasms every week.”
- “Yes, let’s do this every Friday that we’re able to.”
- “Yes, let’s try it on our next date.”
- “Yes, let’s try it for a month and see how it goes.”
- “Thanks for sharing this with me, I’m glad we talked.”
- Be grateful and follow through. Needless to say, when you make an agreement you need to follow-through on it. Don’t make your spouse “remind” you. Be proactive, joyful, and enthusiastic. If you’re the receiving spouse, make sure you notice when you get what you asked for. Be grateful and joyful, and don’t forget to thank God for granting your request.
- Keep praying. Pray without ceasing. Maybe your spouse agreed to your request… or maybe not. Either way, keep praying. God never gets tired of our requests, and he’s eager for your sex life with your spouse to be great! God is always at work, so keep your eyes open and thank him for what he’s doing around you every day.
Leave a comment and let us know how your explicit conversation goes!