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A few questions from the mail bag.

Husband “TT” asks:

I am a 73 years old man, and my wife is 64. We have been married 8 years; my previous wife died of cancer, and my wife is divorced. Our first few years of marriage we had a great sexual relationship. We were sexually active and, in my opinion, especially so for our age. Unfortunately, we are now down to having about once per month, if that often. I recently read that sex therapists consider 10 times or less per year is a “sexless marriage” so we are in the range of now having a “sexless marriage”.

In the next two weeks, we are planning a three-day weekend retreat to review 2021 and plan for 2022 and beyond. We have periodically had retreats like this and have found them very beneficial as a couple. This year I am adding a discussion of our sexual relationship to the agenda to being this issue to the forefront for us to talk about.

With all of this as “background” information this leads me to why I am writing you.

To revitalize our sexual relationship plus, and very importantly, fulfill a many years’ fantasy of mine, at our retreat my desire is to ask my wife to do a special role play with me. The role play is for her to dominate me, i.e., for me to be submissive to her, both sexually and otherwise for a period of time (maybe a week?).

My questions for you are:
1. Am I undermining myself as the leader of our home and marriage?
2. Is being dominated by my wife an un-Christian act even as a role play for a short period of time?
3. Is there better terminology than dominate and submissive that I can use that might be less of a turn-off for her?
4. Have you ever heard of other husbands wanting this?
5. Am I being selfish asking this of my wife?

Sexy Corte responded:

I am sure that you are not alone in your desire/fantasy! El Fury and I believe that if both spouses are willing, and the act is between the husband and wife only, then it is allowed in the marriage (see: Can we *BLANK*?). I don’t believe that you are undermining your role as a husband, or that it is un-Christian. However, I would advise against anything that would violate your conscience, or the conscience of your wife. It sounds like you already plan on communicating with your wife. God gave us a lot of freedom within the boundaries of marriage, and our belief is that sex that brings intimacy is honoring to marriage and to God.

Let us know how it goes!

To which “TT” replied:

Thank you for your comments/words of support to my situation.  It would have been very easy for you to have just “shut me down” and/or rebuked me for my different desires.

Let me bring you update as to what happened when I proposed this on our retreat weekend.  First, yes, I did propose the idea to my wife as a “role-play”; in other words, I didn’t wimp out and not say anything.  I had not mentioned in my email that she has an acting background; consequently, she has previously enjoyed acting out a sexy scenario and always put a lot of energy into her particular role.  And, always with wonderful results.  This time, she didn’t shy away from my proposal but neither did she embrace it. She agreed to try it and we started on a Saturday morning and ended on Sunday afternoon.  It was easy for her to be demanding/controlling; it fit her basic personality.  I was obedient and did what I was instructed to do; always answering her “Yes, ma’am”.  The commands ranged from making the bed to helping cook dinner.  For me it was extremely exotic to be obedient to her and, when we made love on Sunday night, it was beyond wonderful. However, her only comment was “this is a little weird”.

Since it ended neither of us have mentioned it, but I plan to propose it again soon.

Good for “TT” and his wife for trying something “a little weird” and having fun.

Husband “RC” writes:

I find bondage with tickling very arousing. My wife, like most people, hates being tickled. I also hate being tickled, however as my wife and I have explored bondage more over the past year, she now finds tying me up and tickling me quite arousing.

This is both good and bad as you can imagine.

Have you guys ever explored this sort of thing? What was the result? If it was something your spouse didn’t want to do, but you were none the less highly aroused by it, would you just give up and stop asking because you already know it’s not pleasant for her/him?

As a Christian I’ve always felt kind of ashamed and a bit of a weirdo for wanting to try this.

To which El Fury replied:

Sexy Corte hates being tickled. I enjoy tickling but not being tickled. So… this isn’t something we’ve tried, but I’d like to tie Sexy Corte up and tickle her if she’d let me.

The next two emails are some husbands with questions about doggy style. Husband “JA” writes:

My question is spurred by your Christmas Eve sex post. We’ve not really been successful in the dozen or so attempts of “from behind” positions over the years. When my wife starts on all fours she eventually drops her hips and ends up more prone as she says the angle isn’t right. I’ve not pushed it (nor do I intend to now), but she recently was open to trying with the liberator ramp and wedge we have.

Some possible complicating factors include our height difference (I’m of average American male height and she’s about 5′-0″) and my erection angle/inflexibility. When I’m erect, my penis is about 15-20° from my belly (which is relatively vertical, I’m not overweight). At about straight out it becomes uncomfortable and would certainly exert some vertical force if we managed to get into the position.

Do you have any tips to ease into doggy style? Do you notice a certain part of her cycle is better for behind positions? My wife certainly prefers on top before ovulation and me on top after ovulation.

With a similar question, Husband “GS” writes:

I have a practical question for you, sir: I have a very straight-up and firm erection with some ability to bend back down but not a lot, probably a little less than 45 degrees back down. Obviously, this does have its benefits because of the firmness, and I believe it has been a part of helping my wife have orgasms probably 95% of the time throughout our marriage. But, it’s not too flexible. My wife and I usually do positions that are parallel, slight variations of missionary and also she on top facing me, which are all totally fine. She has an amazing behind, but with my erection angle (and average penis length), it’s difficult to enter her from behind. Are there any other positions, types of positions, or any tips you would recommend for intercourse with my angle and firmness? (This would be advice about intercourse, not alternatives like oral.)

To these emails El Fury replied:

We have written quite a bit about doggy style position, so I suggest you start with some of these posts. Given your anatomy, your wife may need to hold herself more upright in order to make doggy style work for you. There are lot of other rear-entry variations that you may enjoy, and it sounds like jockey position might be well-suited for you.

You should also check out this post about arching your back — but you’ll want your wife to round her back rather than arching it, in order to put her vagina at a more comfortable angle for you.

Because of the depth of penetration with doggy style, Sexy Corte prefers to move into this position after she has an orgasm. Some people don’t realize this, but vaginas elongate during arousal; deep penetration will be more comfortable the more aroused the wife is.

“GS” continued with some wonderful aspirations his sex life with his wife.

On another note, I recently discovered your podcast and site because, at 39 and after fourteen years of marriage (on January 5 this year), I want to pour into the parts of my life that are the most meaningful instead of superfluous things, and at the top of my list is me and my wife’s sex life: to deepen it, to be adventurous, to be a student of her body, to help make it our favorite hobby, and to finally be bold in talking about the sex we have. (E.g. I absolutely love using our hands, but we’ve only ever done that once to orgasm.) We haven’t been open very often over the years; I lack confidence in asserting my suggestions, and she’s the kind of woman who enjoys predictability. Our sex has been extremely good and has gotten better with age, but, like with my wife’s personality, it’s predictable (even as much as I enjoy it 99.99% of the time).

Last week, I told her that I’d love to finally talk more openly about our sex life, and she was excited and totally on board! I’m hopeful that she wants to explore in ways that I do and be adventurous and attentive to each other’s bodies in ways that God designed them to be to enjoy sex on an intense level. We’re going to begin talking on our anniversary on Wednesday, so any prayers you and Sexy Corte can offer for a couple you’ve never interacted with, I would gladly accept! Prayers for a fun, relaxing, honest conversation where she feels desired by me (and me desired by her), that she understands I want to drive her crazy in a godly way, and that it’s a conversation we both want to continue as immediately as possible. (I will recommend this site to her, but I don’t think she’s comfortable with how explicit it is yet; a lot of the terminology and techniques aren’t in our sexy vocabulary. Perhaps over time! I’m thinking of suggesting the latest podcast episode as a great lead-in to the rest of the site.)

We definitely prayed for “GS” and his wife! We always pray for the people who write to us, and we’re always excited to hear about how God is working in the lives of our readers.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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Reader “AE” brings up a topic that we’ve received numerous emails about over the years but haven’t yet addressed.

My husband is an incredible and selfless man. I have zero complaints about him as a husband, and he has always been so willing to do anything to be the best husband he can be. He has a history of promiscuity before we were married as well as pornography. When he gave his life to the Lord before we were married, he surrendered all of that, and we both know he has been forgiven and absolutely redeemed.

However, our sex life is, as you call it, very vanilla. He has always been pretty closed to exploration, and when I have gotten adventurous, it seems to shut him down instead of turn him on (which has been tough on me). Your website has given us an incredible place to start from to dig into what’s holding each of us back in the bedroom. We’ve been using your articles to discuss things we’ve never even known we need to talk about. In one of those conversations, he realized that anything remotely risque triggers memories for him from those years before we were together. He is so determined to keep his focus on me and his mind pure, he’s shutting everything down mentally, including his own interest. I should note, he has never had any issues “rising” to the occasion. If I go all in, he’ll meet me there. But most foreplay is limited if not non existent.

We’ve realized, our bedroom is like a minefield for triggering his memories and it’s keeping us from enjoying the freedom the Lord has intended for us. We both believe there’s better for us and we’re both willing to work on it. Your site is already giving us ways to fight for that. But do you have any strategy for how we can explore together in the Lord’s favor the things he once explored inappropriately without triggering these thoughts and memories that take his mind off of me and the moment we’re in? Is there anything I can do to help him?

Thank you for any help! And thank you and SC for this safe place to find permission and strategy and FUN.

First off Mr. and Mrs. AE, don’t feel alone with this challenge! Many Christians fall short of God’s perfect standard that sex is intended for married couples only. Sexual sin can lead to serious, life-altering consequences — not to mention the harm it can do to your relationship with God. And yet, God is always eager to offer us forgiveness when we repent, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Even when we’re forgiven, however, it isn’t always easy (or possible) to be completely free from the natural consequences of our sin during our lives on earth. The difficulty Mr. and Mrs. AE are experiencing is a natural consequence of sexual sin. Memories can be stubborn.

Caveat: We’re not trained therapists, and it’s possible that a couple in the position AE describes would benefit from talking together or separately with an expert who can advise them based on their specific circumstances. Every person and every marriage is different. The advice we’re going to give here is connected to the Bible and based on our experience, but it may not be right for you. We offer this caveat because we can imagine a direct approach, like we’ll describe, doing more harm than good for some people.

Ok, try this: don’t think of an elephant.

Could you do it? Probably not. It’s basically impossible to pick a specific thing and not think about it. In the most well-known Bible passage about anxiety Paul writes:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:4-8

The bolded action words in the passage make our point: you can’t simply “do not be anxious” without replacing anxious thoughts with something else. Instead of merely commanding a negative, God teaches that the positive drives out the negative.

Mr. and Mrs. AE are dealing with a form of sexual anxiety and we think the principle from Philippians 4 can be applied. Instead of trying to banish distracting, undesired, harmful, or sinful memories by sheer force of will, we should work to replace them with “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable”.

Application: replace negative sexual memories with new, positive sexual memories created with your spouse. Confront the negative memories head-on and create new memories that overwrite the old ones. This won’t happen all at once, but over months and years you’ll have sex with your spouse hundreds and thousands of times. When something “risque triggers memories” from your past, go straight at that memory and re-do it with your spouse. Your sex life with your spouse is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. Even if that risque memory seems weird don’t shy away from it: face it and rewrite it.

Now, some prudence is in order. Sex that is non-consensual or involves people besides the married couple has no place in a Christian marriage — but just about anything else can be done in faith and can be part of a mutually satisfying sex life. Be patient and courageous with each other; your sex life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Don’t force your spouse to go faster, but don’t drag your feet either. Put some effort into it and you’ll both be rewarded.

After sharing these ideas with AE she wrote back:

Awesome!! This is the strategy we talked about trying. We both had a few concerns that it could backfire, so we reached out to you to hopefully confirm, which you did!

It is not hard to be patient with this man of mine. He is such a good man and husband and daddy. Besides, this problem stems from his desire to honor and respect his commitment to me, even with his thoughts, so how could I not respect that. I’m incredibly excited to find freedom together and get our sex life to the level of the rest of our marriage.

You are absolutely welcome to use our question. It is tough being one of the few women who have a higher sex drive than her husband. I relate more to men in the stereotypical sex conversations, and it’s a challenge to not feel like something is wrong with me. So if my question can make another woman like me feel less alone, that’s great.

Thanks again, you two!

It’s always extremely gratifying to hear that our ministry is edifying to peoples’ marriages! If you have any thoughts or ideas to share, please leave a comment below.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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El Fury and Sexy Corte respond to questions from two readers about “pearl necklaces” and finishing on the wife’s body.

If this podcast is a blessing to you, please leave us a 5-star review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Q&A: Mutual Masturbation and Finishing on Her Body: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/qa-mutual-masturbation-and-finishing-on-her-body/

Sex Q&A: “Why would any husband want to do a pearl necklace?”: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/sex-questions-and-answers/sex-qa-why-would-any-husband-want-to-do-a-pearl-necklace/

Maximizing Semen Enjoyment: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/information/maximizing-semen-volume/

Sex Q&A: “Weird” Sex: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/sex-questions-and-answers/sex-qa-weird-sex/

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 11:09 — 12.5MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS | About the Podcast

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Before you talk about sex, work on yourself — with your spouse or your kids.

Blackout Fellatio Technique — wife, blindfold your husband so you won’t be nervous about him watching you.

5 ways for busy wives and moms to feel more sensual — these will all work for men too!

Three great posts from The Forgiven Wife!

12 ways to make good sex even better — here are some ideas for enhancing intimacy during sex.

You can have hot sex in your marriage without it being pornographic — porn didn’t invent anything.

“I hate sex, but I’m trying to like it” — great advice for a wife who is doing some hard work to develop her sexuality.

How do you stay interested in sex with your spouse over the long term? — it’s sadly common for spouses to lose interest if they don’t work to maintain it.

Give him signal — wife, you can be more interesting than the internet or any other woman your husband sees.

Noticing is not lusting — lust is a deliberate act.

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This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #007: Pearl Necklaces and Finishing on Her Body

Reader “QB” writes:

Hello,

My husband and I have enjoyed your site! Thank you.

We’ve been married for ten years and we have two young children. We’re planning to have another baby but we aren’t ready to get pregnant yet, and we’ve been talking about contraception. My husband doesn’t like to use condoms, and he asked that we make our “protection” more appealing to him… suggesting a “pearl necklace” that apparently “some guys” are into.

I said I didn’t think any women would really want that and he said maybe some would. I personally would find it degrading. He’s much more sexually adventurous than I am, which is an ongoing issue. I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit. I don’t know how to approach this topic because it makes him very defensive.

Do you think a “pearl necklace” is an ok thing to do? I just wonder why any husband would want to do this :( You usually seem to say that between two married consenting spouses, anything goes, but what do you think? I might consent if it’s not something always seen as degrading.

Please help! Any insight is hugely appreciated.

First of all, it’s great that you and your husband are able to discuss your sex life so openly. Most people who write to us don’t, so good for you. Couples often have a great deal of trouble sharing their sexual desires out of fear of ridicule or rejection, so please appreciate your husband’s bravery in sharing with you.

Second, yes, pretty much anything is acceptable within the bounds of marriage, and we’ve written about in “Can we *BLANK*?” The boundaries are simple — sex should:

  • Involve only the married couple
  • Be be mutually consensual
  • Lead to satisfaction for both spouses
  • Be done in faith

So there’s nothing inherently wrong about your husband wanting to ejaculate on your body. Most men don’t want to do this constantly, but some men find it arousing occasionally. Sexy Corte and I have tried it, but it just isn’t our thing. We wrote about it in a previous Q&A: “Mutual masturbation and finishing on her body”. It’s very likely that your husband will enjoy it once or twice and then decide that it’s more fun to ejaculate inside you. (Hint: he might be happy to use a condom if you let him take it off to ejaculate in your mouth, and he may even love it.)

A key element of your email is your statement that: “I personally would find it degrading.”

That’s understandable. As with all sex play, it’s important that it’s play. For example, I enjoy spanking my wife’s butt, but it’s a form of sexual play not a “punishment”. The play gives me a sense of power, and gives her a sense of submission.

Similarly, your husband probably thinks that ejaculating on your face or body will be a sexy, dominant thing for him to do because it requires your submission. Your submission is part of the sexiness. Your willingness to submit to his pleasure and do something you don’t care for is part of the turn-on. (You may find that you enjoy being trusting and submissive, even if the sex acts themselves aren’t directly stimulating to you. Or you may not!)

Now, sex should be mutually edifying and satisfying for both spouses, and honoring to God. Your husband shouldn’t actually degrade you — but it’s ok if both of you want to play with dominant and submissive behavior. You may not get much arousal from him ejaculating on you, but if you participate in fulfilling his fantasy then he should be eager to “pay you back” by making sure that your quirky sexual needs are also met. (And be honest… there’s probably something you want to try that you’ve been too shy to share with your husband.)

You also wrote: “I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit.”

I’ll quote from an earlier post about “Weird sex”:

Porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

Humans are kinky creatures, and porn didn’t cause that, it merely reflects our kinkiness. God’s desire is that sex with your spouse is a bonfire compared to the sickly, sputtering candle of pornography.

We suggest that you continue talking with your husband about his desires (and yours). You’re not obligated to perform a specific sexual activity with him, but we encourage you to lean towards “yes” when you can.

Updates:

First, a response from “QB” who asked the question above.

Thank you so much for all the information and your honesty.

I think sometimes my go-to response to my husband is either “no” or “why would you want to…”. So your perspective really helps. I may come from a place of judgement when really I should like you said be open and happy we’re communicating.

I will try to lean towards “yes” when I’m able.

Thank you so so much!

And below, here’s a great comment from the wife at Marriage 4:29:

I can understand why it might not be anyone else’s thing, but I wanted to throw my thoughts in there because it is TOTALLY our thing.

I love watching my husband ejaculate (the way his body shakes, the face he makes, the flow of his semen shooting out) because I know that I alone am responsible for that sensation.

Especially if I’m not necessarily in the mood for intercourse, a mutually satisfying compromise is always him standing, me on my knees pleasuring him with my hands and/or mouth (WITH THE LIGHTS ON—more vulnerable for the both of us and therefore more intimate in my opinion).

When he reaches climax I’ll take his semen wherever (but I’m right in front of him…it might as well be on me—that way we know exactly where it went for easy cleanup LOL) but what drives him wild is when I sometimes say “Cum all over my [redacted]” It a little naughty, but it’s a fun way to play with my beloved…and it makes him feel loved that I loosen up and allow myself to enjoy this kind of stimulation too so it’s not just one sided pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who is sharing in the comments!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Reader “L” writes:

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire:

“Now, I’m not against spicing things up, and I do think lots of things can be fun! But when we’re wanting ‘more’ because we’ve programmed ourselves to think ‘the weirder the sexier’, there’s a problem.”

It stems from the porn argument — many men have been conditioned through porn to be aroused by what they’ve seen and that there is an escalating factor as seen by the lack of what you might call vanilla interactions in porn today.

When I hear that argument (not so much about porn’s influence, but about it being the driving behind any interest in sexy games, bondage, etc.), I question how anyone could arrive at introducing extra-curricular activities into their sex lives without some kind of societal influence. No one lives in a vacuum and it is more impossible today than it was 20 years ago. I also personally don’t like the use of the word “weirder”, but that’s a whole other argument I could have.

What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks for the question! As you might expect, I’ve got a lot of thoughts. The quote comes from a post Sheila wrote about the dangers porn can create in a marriage. We agree: porn is dangerous to your marriage. Your sexuality should be focused on your spouse.

However, porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

It’s worth adding that men aren’t the only ones looking at porn — women also consume and are influenced by porn. Surveys indicate that a higher percentage of men than women view porn, but up to 30% of women are willing to admit to Cosmo that they view porn “daily” or “once every few days”. I’d bet that the actual number — women who won’t admit it — is higher.

Finally, let’s talk about “weird” sex. Literally:

1. involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny:

2. fantastic; bizarre:

3. Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny.

I don’t think people mean supernatural, so let’s go with definition number two: fantastic or bizarre. Neither word is inherently negative.

Fantastic: conceived by an unrestrained imagination; odd and remarkable; extravagantly fanciful; marvelous; incredibly great or extreme; exorbitant; highly unrealistic or impractical.

Bizarre: markedly unusual in appearance, style, or general character and often involving incongruous or unexpected elements; outrageously or whimsically strange; odd.

In both cases, “weird” is opposite to “normal” — so what’s normal? The Bible doesn’t differentiate between normal sex and weird sex, only between Godly sex and sinful sex. The only way to define “normal” is with reference to some environment and culture. Something normal in one place and time, to one person, may be weird to another. Normal and weird are determined by your perspective and your biases. Godly and sinful are determined by God.

Some sex act may be normal and sinful at the same time, or Godly and weird at the same time. Consider:

So, that’s the long way of saying: “weird” is in the eye of the beholder. With a few limits, if you want to do it and your spouse agrees, go for it.

I think there are also two other things a person can mean when they use the word “weird”.

First, they can simply mean: “I don’t want to do that”. It’s perfectly acceptable to be apprehensive about some sex act, but it’s important to communicate and explain why. Saying something is “weird” is a passive-aggressive way of shaming your spouse into hiding their desire. Don’t use “weird” as an excuse to just say no.

Second, “weird” can mean novel, something new. We definitely don’t think it’s wrong to seek out new ways to enjoy sex with your spouse! We write about that all the time. As Sheila would seem to agree, we do recommend prioritizing penis-in-vagina sex, but we also think it’s healthy to push your boundaries and explore new things. A desire for new experiences is common in many areas of life, not just sex. You may not like everything you try, and that’s ok!

Finally, check out that third definition for “weird”: controlling fate or destiny. All sex is weird like that!

What do you think? Fantastic, bizarre, novel? How does culture influence your sexual relationship with your spouse?

Update: Commenter Juliettte makes some great observations about the positive effects that culture can have on married sex!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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