A few questions from the mail bag.
Husband “TT” asks:
I am a 73 years old man, and my wife is 64. We have been married 8 years; my previous wife died of cancer, and my wife is divorced. Our first few years of marriage we had a great sexual relationship. We were sexually active and, in my opinion, especially so for our age. Unfortunately, we are now down to having about once per month, if that often. I recently read that sex therapists consider 10 times or less per year is a “sexless marriage” so we are in the range of now having a “sexless marriage”.
In the next two weeks, we are planning a three-day weekend retreat to review 2021 and plan for 2022 and beyond. We have periodically had retreats like this and have found them very beneficial as a couple. This year I am adding a discussion of our sexual relationship to the agenda to being this issue to the forefront for us to talk about.
With all of this as “background” information this leads me to why I am writing you.
To revitalize our sexual relationship plus, and very importantly, fulfill a many years’ fantasy of mine, at our retreat my desire is to ask my wife to do a special role play with me. The role play is for her to dominate me, i.e., for me to be submissive to her, both sexually and otherwise for a period of time (maybe a week?).
My questions for you are:
1. Am I undermining myself as the leader of our home and marriage?
2. Is being dominated by my wife an un-Christian act even as a role play for a short period of time?
3. Is there better terminology than dominate and submissive that I can use that might be less of a turn-off for her?
4. Have you ever heard of other husbands wanting this?
5. Am I being selfish asking this of my wife?
Sexy Corte responded:
I am sure that you are not alone in your desire/fantasy! El Fury and I believe that if both spouses are willing, and the act is between the husband and wife only, then it is allowed in the marriage (see: Can we *BLANK*?). I don’t believe that you are undermining your role as a husband, or that it is un-Christian. However, I would advise against anything that would violate your conscience, or the conscience of your wife. It sounds like you already plan on communicating with your wife. God gave us a lot of freedom within the boundaries of marriage, and our belief is that sex that brings intimacy is honoring to marriage and to God.
Let us know how it goes!
To which “TT” replied:
Thank you for your comments/words of support to my situation. It would have been very easy for you to have just “shut me down” and/or rebuked me for my different desires.
Let me bring you update as to what happened when I proposed this on our retreat weekend. First, yes, I did propose the idea to my wife as a “role-play”; in other words, I didn’t wimp out and not say anything. I had not mentioned in my email that she has an acting background; consequently, she has previously enjoyed acting out a sexy scenario and always put a lot of energy into her particular role. And, always with wonderful results. This time, she didn’t shy away from my proposal but neither did she embrace it. She agreed to try it and we started on a Saturday morning and ended on Sunday afternoon. It was easy for her to be demanding/controlling; it fit her basic personality. I was obedient and did what I was instructed to do; always answering her “Yes, ma’am”. The commands ranged from making the bed to helping cook dinner. For me it was extremely exotic to be obedient to her and, when we made love on Sunday night, it was beyond wonderful. However, her only comment was “this is a little weird”.
Since it ended neither of us have mentioned it, but I plan to propose it again soon.
Good for “TT” and his wife for trying something “a little weird” and having fun.
Husband “RC” writes:
I find bondage with tickling very arousing. My wife, like most people, hates being tickled. I also hate being tickled, however as my wife and I have explored bondage more over the past year, she now finds tying me up and tickling me quite arousing.
This is both good and bad as you can imagine.
Have you guys ever explored this sort of thing? What was the result? If it was something your spouse didn’t want to do, but you were none the less highly aroused by it, would you just give up and stop asking because you already know it’s not pleasant for her/him?
As a Christian I’ve always felt kind of ashamed and a bit of a weirdo for wanting to try this.
To which El Fury replied:
Sexy Corte hates being tickled. I enjoy tickling but not being tickled. So… this isn’t something we’ve tried, but I’d like to tie Sexy Corte up and tickle her if she’d let me.
The next two emails are some husbands with questions about doggy style. Husband “JA” writes:
My question is spurred by your Christmas Eve sex post. We’ve not really been successful in the dozen or so attempts of “from behind” positions over the years. When my wife starts on all fours she eventually drops her hips and ends up more prone as she says the angle isn’t right. I’ve not pushed it (nor do I intend to now), but she recently was open to trying with the liberator ramp and wedge we have.
Some possible complicating factors include our height difference (I’m of average American male height and she’s about 5′-0″) and my erection angle/inflexibility. When I’m erect, my penis is about 15-20° from my belly (which is relatively vertical, I’m not overweight). At about straight out it becomes uncomfortable and would certainly exert some vertical force if we managed to get into the position.
Do you have any tips to ease into doggy style? Do you notice a certain part of her cycle is better for behind positions? My wife certainly prefers on top before ovulation and me on top after ovulation.
With a similar question, Husband “GS” writes:
I have a practical question for you, sir: I have a very straight-up and firm erection with some ability to bend back down but not a lot, probably a little less than 45 degrees back down. Obviously, this does have its benefits because of the firmness, and I believe it has been a part of helping my wife have orgasms probably 95% of the time throughout our marriage. But, it’s not too flexible. My wife and I usually do positions that are parallel, slight variations of missionary and also she on top facing me, which are all totally fine. She has an amazing behind, but with my erection angle (and average penis length), it’s difficult to enter her from behind. Are there any other positions, types of positions, or any tips you would recommend for intercourse with my angle and firmness? (This would be advice about intercourse, not alternatives like oral.)
To these emails El Fury replied:
We have written quite a bit about doggy style position, so I suggest you start with some of these posts. Given your anatomy, your wife may need to hold herself more upright in order to make doggy style work for you. There are lot of other rear-entry variations that you may enjoy, and it sounds like jockey position might be well-suited for you.
You should also check out this post about arching your back — but you’ll want your wife to round her back rather than arching it, in order to put her vagina at a more comfortable angle for you.
Because of the depth of penetration with doggy style, Sexy Corte prefers to move into this position after she has an orgasm. Some people don’t realize this, but vaginas elongate during arousal; deep penetration will be more comfortable the more aroused the wife is.
“GS” continued with some wonderful aspirations his sex life with his wife.
On another note, I recently discovered your podcast and site because, at 39 and after fourteen years of marriage (on January 5 this year), I want to pour into the parts of my life that are the most meaningful instead of superfluous things, and at the top of my list is me and my wife’s sex life: to deepen it, to be adventurous, to be a student of her body, to help make it our favorite hobby, and to finally be bold in talking about the sex we have. (E.g. I absolutely love using our hands, but we’ve only ever done that once to orgasm.) We haven’t been open very often over the years; I lack confidence in asserting my suggestions, and she’s the kind of woman who enjoys predictability. Our sex has been extremely good and has gotten better with age, but, like with my wife’s personality, it’s predictable (even as much as I enjoy it 99.99% of the time).
Last week, I told her that I’d love to finally talk more openly about our sex life, and she was excited and totally on board! I’m hopeful that she wants to explore in ways that I do and be adventurous and attentive to each other’s bodies in ways that God designed them to be to enjoy sex on an intense level. We’re going to begin talking on our anniversary on Wednesday, so any prayers you and Sexy Corte can offer for a couple you’ve never interacted with, I would gladly accept! Prayers for a fun, relaxing, honest conversation where she feels desired by me (and me desired by her), that she understands I want to drive her crazy in a godly way, and that it’s a conversation we both want to continue as immediately as possible. (I will recommend this site to her, but I don’t think she’s comfortable with how explicit it is yet; a lot of the terminology and techniques aren’t in our sexy vocabulary. Perhaps over time! I’m thinking of suggesting the latest podcast episode as a great lead-in to the rest of the site.)
We definitely prayed for “GS” and his wife! We always pray for the people who write to us, and we’re always excited to hear about how God is working in the lives of our readers.