Sex Q&A: Wife Wearing Collar Necklace As a Symbol of Submission

Sex Q&A: Wife Wearing Collar Necklace As a Symbol of Submission 1

Reader “NI” asks:

What are your thoughts on a Christian wife wearing a discrete collar as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband? It is borrowing from the BDSM lifestyle, but we do already enjoy incorporating some of that kind of play in our intimacy.

Here are a few examples of collar/choker style necklaces. Basically they’re short chains or bands that fit snugly and lay high on the neck.

The short answer to IN’s question is yes, it’s perfectly fine for a Christian to wear a collar or choker necklace. Collars are not inherently immodest or ostentatious, which are the primary Biblical requirements for Christian dress (1 Timothy 2:9).

Digging beneath the surface, let’s also consider NI’s motivation: “as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband”. This idea of a wife wearing a visible symbol of submission to her husband comes from 1 Corinthians 11 — I will excerpt a few verses here; read the whole thing if you’re interested.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. […] For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10 That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels [or messengers]. 11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; 12 for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God.

The passage specifically discusses the symbolism of wives covering their heads with a hat or cloth, but head coverings were a culturally-grounded symbol of submission that may be less relevant in our current culture. The essence of the passage is the instruction for wives to wear a visible symbol of submission; the exact nature of that symbol likely depends on the culture. Some Christians argue that this entire passage is irrelevant to the church today. Some Christians believe that their wedding ring (or engagement ring) fulfills the intent of this passage. (We don’t have a strong opinion on this topic — seek God’s glory and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.)

(We have even less of an opinion on what “because of the angels” means in verse 10. The word translated “angels” can refer to human messengers or observers, but that doesn’t do a lot to clarify the sentence.)

So then, back to NI’s question: “What are your thoughts on a Christian wife wearing a discrete collar as a symbol and reminder of her submission to Christ and her husband?”

As a husband, my thought is that collars and chokers are very sexy. I’ve discussed this with Sexy Corte and she thinks they look slutty. As NI recognized in her email, collars are somewhat culturally linked not only with submission broadly, but also specifically with submissive sexuality. For some wives, wearing a public symbol of your sexual submission to your husband may feel uncomfortable or unappealing, but that’s mostly a matter of personal preference not permissability.

If collars or chokers aren’t your thing, here are a few similar ideas:

Husbands and wives, what do you think? Do any of you wear symbols of submission or anything similar?

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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  1. I think that NI is blessed that she and her husband both enjoy bringing that kind of play into their lives. It sounds like they’re on the same page, and that’s so great. (I’m not so lucky, lol) I don’t know what kind of collar she’s picturing, but you posted some really nice examples. A few of them wouldn’t even attract that much notice, which could be handy, if you don’t want it to be a conversation starter. Go for it, NI!

  2. I am Interested in knowing how common (or maybe how exclusive) this is with the BDSM inference. My daughter (Christian, single @ 20) enjoys wearing a black one as the accent to an outfit or two and she would be mortified if that is what others could think she’s implying. I’ve educated her to the perks of marriage, with just an awareness of what those initials stand for—I did tell her that agreed-upon play within marriage is a good thing, but not “meanness”.

  3. I do think chokers are sexy. Not really my wife’s style though. She’s probably worn one 10 times in our 19 years of dating and marriage. I don’t think she would say they’re slutty, but just not really her style. I’m not sure I’ve really ever even considered chokers to be signs of submission, and we don’t really include any sort of bondage or submission in our sex. I really feel like chokers belong in the same bucket as things like tall leather boots and stockings. Definitely sexy and maybe even edgy in some contexts, but still perfectly acceptable. (Ann, I don’t think your daughter should be concerned about “sending the wrong message” with a choker.)

    Regarding the idea of panties with secret messages, that seems cheesy or kitschy more than anything else. Generally, though, I like the idea of a wife wearing (or not wearing) something as a means of accommodating her husband and demonstrating a willingness to defer to him. Thst could simply be wearing cute underwear with lace or fun prints as opposed to “granny panties.” When my wife and I are getting ready for a date, and I see that she’s wearing a thong (which I love and she only tolerates) or she informs me while out, that she is “going commando” I love it. I would think that all of those qualify as examples of deferring to and catering to me as her head.

    As an aside, I LOVE the idea of a wife wearing a butt plug when out with her husband. Sadly, we’re not anywhere near that level of anal play—it would be amazing to get to that level someday though.

  4. Personally I think the best use of a collar/choker type necklace as a symbol would be as a sign of the wife’s sexual availability.

    Even better if its a symbol of desire or permission for a special sexual treat (e.g. “have your way with me” type sex).

  5. @ El Fury & @ Andrew—thanks for the response. I am not on top of all things fashionable and certainly not all things BDSM. I am fun enough for my husband (which makes it fun for me) that I have gone to a ladies’ room while we were out, then came back and put my panties in his hand under the table. Several years ago I went to his work place (I absolutely, positively knew he was the only one there) in nothing but my robe—yes, we had sex then & there! (Door was locked). (Credit to the wife from Sheet Music by Kevin Leman who picked her husband up from the airport in nothing but her long-enough coat, for the idea. You’ll have to read how that was almost a disaster!) A bit of fun makes life more exciting.

  6. When genuinely worn, what could be more beautiful than a woman publicly displaying her respect, trust and submission to her husband than a collar? That level of trust ,and respect on her part, and the love, caring, consideration, and control on his part does not come easy nor fast. It takes time to develop and requires mastering emotional self-discipline on both parties. In my opinion its probably one of the greatest signs of respect a wife could give her husband.

  7. My wife told me she wanted to wear a necklace (not a choker) as a constant physical reminder of her devotion and submission to me and Christ. We chose together a very simple silver ‘Celtic love knot’ that she now wears on a 20 inch chain. It is quite pretty and she gets lots of compliments on it. She has never been one to want to wear a choker style necklace or band.

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