Here are a couple of emails from wives whose husbands “only want anal”.
Wife “ZE” write:
My husband and I have had a difficult marriage of nearly 12 years, but sex has been something we can always come back to, leaning on the openness and intimacy it fosters. A couple years ago we tried anal, and although very uncomfortable and usually painful for me, we kept trying every couple months to try to get it to be enjoyable for me. I enjoyed it once or twice (with alcohol involved) but now that we do not drink alcohol it’s uncomfortable and painful to me, even with a lot of prep and lube.
I got so frustrated with the pressure to have anal sex that I made him promise not to even ask for it because I just don’t like it. Of course now that it’s taboo he wants it even more. His promise only lasted a few months. Sometimes he goes for days unable to orgasm any other way because he keeps thinking about anal. He is unable to orgasm on his own since we’ve been married, and if he has a biological need (very painful, swollen testicles) I need to be involved in some way. He does not like porn because it feels like cheating to him (which is just fine with me!). Recently, we tried again, and I didn’t even say i didn’t want to because I know he will keep asking and be likely unable to orgasm without it, but it hurts and i don’t like it and I just want to never feel pressured to do it again. Our formerly awesome glue of a sex life is coming undone. What can we do?
This seems like a difficult situation. I think frank, direct communication is best. Anal hurts you, and you need to explore other ways. It seems likely that with communication and experimentation that the two of you will be able to find other sexual activities that he enjoys. It seems unlikely that he will not be able to find another sexual activity that can bring him to orgasm. Are there other seemingly “taboo” things that the two of you can explore together?
If he is unable to move past this, it sounds like there could be a mental block; you should encourage him to speak to a therapist that can advise him on overcoming this situation. Sex is as much mental as it is physical.
Encourage your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him — you aren’t rejecting him, it’s just not physically safe for you to engage in this activity anymore.
El Fury adds: My opinion is that it’s not beneficial to pressure your spouse, whether that’s pressure to have anal sex or pressure to “promise you’ll never do that again”. I suggest taking life one day at a time. Use wisdom and prudence to let a “no” stand for a while before asking again.
Wife “DN” writes:
I found this site because I was looking up Christian sex counseling. To say this was a God-thing is an understatement!
A little background: My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have five children. [snip a lot of details about family history and chaos]
All that to say, I’m lost in despair. We’ve discussed the same things more or less for 22 years. It started with expectant touching. I didn’t get touched unless it was to communicate desire. My touches were read as desire nearly 100% of the time. So less than 6 months into our marriage, I was not showing much affection and was annoyed with his. You can imagine how that has progressed over two decades and five kids.
We still have sex. Often. 2-3 times a week on average. Because I love him and still want to commune with him and vice versa. But often that’s not enough for him, and penis-in-vagina sex is no longer enough. He wants anal when I’m still super uncomfortable with just talking dirty. And he wants to finish in my mouth when he knows my texture issues. It is becoming a problem to the point that he has to fantasize about either one to finish… and that’s not even enough anymore. At this point I’m afraid to even try either act, because I’m afraid he might like it too much and then want to do it every time. I almost never used to give him oral due to a large amount of discomfort for me, but have figured out ways around it. He is very appreciative… and wants it EVERY time. It is still not my favorite thing to do. Plain, vanilla sex is often all I feel up for. But if it’s not more than that, he has an especially hard time popping off. I’m not trying to be a gatekeeper. But that’s exactly what I’ve become.
Communication is so important, especially about sex. Have some conversations — what is your husband’s ideal sex life? What is yours? How often would it be ideal to have sex? You can compromise to make sure you are both satisfied. It’s ok to communicate to set expectations. If you are trying something new that you are uncomfortable with, let him know that you are willing to do this once in a while but you don’t want to do it all of the time. Then establish how often you would be comfortable. You can even communicate about physical touch. Tell him that sometimes you just want a hug, or to touch him, without it being interpreted sexually. Non-sexual physical touch is really important for intimacy.
Like the husband of “ZE” above, it sounds like your husband has a bit of a mental block that he needs to work around. Practicing regular penis-in-vagina sex will hopefully build back up his ability to finish. Spend some time yourself looking for new “taboo” activities that you might enjoy and suggest them to your husband! There are so many things to do that you can mutually enjoy, and your husband just might be surprised at what you’re willing to try. Discuss things that excite you both instead of getting fixated on things that are uncomfortable for you.
Hi! I am DN from the 2nd half of the article. You say that communication is key. We communicate a lot. Communicate until 2 or 3:00 in the morning sometimes, but we are often communicating because we are not in agreement. I honestly could probably go without sex for a long time, and I mean months. He would like to have it everyday, sometimes twice a day, and we are both now in our 40s! I have learned that I have ADHD, and I suspect autism as well. He just has ADHD. My ADHD is more along the inattentive line, and his is hyperactive or combination. With these differences in neurodivergencies, comes a huge difference in sexual drive. I think that I’m probably hyposexual and he is hyper sexual. I fantasize a lot in my head, but I don’t feel comfortable expressing those, and I think a lot of it has to do with not wanting to add fuel to his fire. As far as laying out exact expectations, I have really shied away from doing that, simply because he takes it as a personal affront that I don’t really care to have sex very often at all. But I’m not fantasizing about other men, and I don’t feel that I would want things more often even if he was the most attractive man on the planet. It’s a mess. We were up again late last night, because he was having a hard time orgasming, and I really felt like if I just gave in and said okay we can do anal, he would have no problem. He claims he wants it because it will increase intimacy for him, or for us rather, but I cry foul on that. It won’t create intimacy if it’s something that gives me a very strong visceral reaction to literally want to fight him off every time he comes anywhere near my back door. That being said, I do love your website and I need to make a habit of visiting more often. It did help some when I was getting on here and reading more.
Hey DN, thanks for the follow-up comment. I have a few thoughts for you.
1. Just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re communicating. Sexy Corte and I get into “loops” sometimes where we each think that if we just repeat ourselves one more time the other person will finally agree. That rarely happens! We can talk and talk and talk without really understanding each other. If you’re experiencing something similar, you may want to consider talking to a counselor who can help you both communicate more clearly and with less stress.
2. You’re right to recognize that some disagreements can’t be resolved by more/better communication. Sometimes people just want different things. That’s common in every relationship, including marriage. There’s nothing wrong with wanting different things. When you’re in a situation like that, it can be helpful to say or write down what you think the other person wants until you both agree that you’ve been heard correctly. (Try to avoid snark or sarcasm.) Then you can at least negotiate from a point of common understanding. It’s hard for anyone outside your marriage to know the best way for that negotiation to work out, but if you approach it with love and grace you can certainly find a compromise that is pleasing to God.