“Tender Defender” and “Madonna / Whore”

"Tender Defender" and "Madonna / Whore" 1

In a healthy, sexual marriage the wife wants her husband to be a “Tender Defender” and the husband wants his wife to be a mix of “Madonna” and “Whore”. Both of these pairings have some tension, so let’s dig a little deeper into the four descriptors and consider how they can be balanced.

Edit: Commenter Dave suggests the word “Nymph” instead of “Whore” and I like that a lot! Nymphs are sexual, playful, wild, spontaneous, daring, and exciting.

Starting with husbands, here’s the most relevant definition of Tender:

a. Considerate and protective; solicitous
b. Characterized by or expressing gentle emotions; loving
c. Given to sympathy or sentimentality

And Defend:

a. To make or keep safe from danger, attack, or harm
b. To engage in or be prepared to engage in battle to prevent from being captured or occupied by an enemy.

The tension between tender and defender is immediately obvious. How can a husband be considerate, gentle, and sympathetic with his wife and family while simultaneously being ready, willing, and able to wreck havoc on an attacker? The stereotype is that women want to date “bad boys” and marry “nice guys”. Unfortunately, nice guys don’t get laid much, but the knight in shining armor always get the princess.

Husbands, if you’re experiencing strife or apathy in your marriage it may be because you aren’t balancing tender and defender properly. If you’re too tender you may not be letting your good masculine qualities shine forth, and if you’re too much of a defender (or worse, an aggressor towards your family) then your wife may not feel like she can be open and trusting towards you.

If you properly balance tender and defender your wife will be attracted to your strong masculinity and feel emotionally connected at the same time. Except when your family is being immediately threatened, these roles can usually be blended together because their targets are different: tender is aimed towards your family, and defender is aimed outward. Try to figure out which element is lacking and turn it up a little bit to see how your wife responds.

The Madonna and whore roles don’t blend together so easily because they’re both aimed inward towards the husband — instead, the wife will have to learn to switch between them at appropriate times. So what are they?

Madonna refers to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her nature as loving, nurturing, conscientious, pure, affectionate, and good — the Wife of Noble Character from Proverbs 31. Here are the bullet points that Sexy Corte wrote in that post:

Intoxicate him with your love.
Be prudent.
Bring your husband good.
Be industrious.
Refrain from idleness.
Fear the Lord.

The other side of the feminine coin is the whore. In this context it certainly doesn’t mean promiscuous, but it does include proactive sexuality, openness to new things, spontaneity, risk taking, humor, and excitement.

Just like with the husband’s roles, you can see an immediate tension between the two archetypes that wives are expected to live out. The Madonna is responsible for making sure that the family is taken care of perfectly, but the whore just wants to have fun. Unlike the husband’s roles, it’s nearly impossible to “balance” Madonna and whore — wives, you’ll have to learn how and when to flip the switch and change between them.

If you have kids you’ll probably spend around 90% of your time in the Madonna role, which can make it seem like this role is more important than the other. It’s easy to assume that if you’re hitting home runs as Madonna that your husband must be happy — after all, that’s 90% of the “wife job” right? Well yes, a Wife of Noble Character is more valuable than rubies. But… just like “nice guys”, Madonnas aren’t always the most fun.

Wives, if everything in your marriage seems “fine” but you’re experiencing boredom or a lack of emotional connection you should consider turning up the dial on whore and see how your husband responds. Initiate sex when (or where) he isn’t expecting it, try that thing he never thought you’d do, put on something sexy just because, send the kids away for the night, meet him at the door naked when he gets home from work, take a risk, be a bad girl for a little while.

So there you have it — we need to balance two opposing roles in order to be everything our spouse desires: a husband who is a tender defender and a wife who is a Madonna/whore. If you can learn to fulfill both your roles you will be a blessing to your spouse and have the awesome sex life God intends for you.

Leave a comment below to tell us what you think and let us know how you balance these roles in your marriage.

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15 comments

  1. I love the point you’re making in this post, but I’m really uncomfortable with the wording. I know my wife would cringe if she ever heard me refer to her as a “whore”, whatever explanations and disclaimers accompanied it. I bet that’s true of most wives. Is there a better way you can present this important idea?

    (Also, for what it’s worth: I think the Wife Of Noble Character is a woman with both the facets you describe, not just the first!)

  2. It has always bothered me that women who are proactive sexually and do the things you have described above are called ‘whores’… I know it’s just a term but still.. For me these women just enjoy sex. Whores are those who have many partners for money or other profits and pretend to be enjoying themselves.

    1. I didn’t make up the terminology, but you’re right about the connotation. Within marriage, of course, we’re not talking about money, promiscuity, or pretending.

  3. My wife and I read this and we jumped through a thesaurus online to come up with something to replace Whore, due to all the negative connotations around that. We found Nymph. Which is fun, and one syllable so it rolls off the tounge. And is related to the word nympho or nymphomaniac, which can mean a person who really loves sex. Calling her my ‘water nymph’ can be really fun and we feel it brings in a more positive connotation than calling her my whore. Which feels cringey and demeaning.

  4. My wife and I also wanted a different word that whore. After searching in a thesaurus we came up with Nymph. Which is related to the word nympho and nymphomaniac. Both of these mean someone who is crazy about sex. Calling her my water nymph is fun and removes the negative connotations tied to whore.

  5. *While I understand why you used the term in this context I am going to refrain from using “w***” to describe a fun embracing wife as that word has a very negative context for many people. As a replacement I will use the term “Nymph”.*

    While I certainly agree that a healthy marriage should include exciting sexual encounters between a well-balanced “Tender Defender” husband and the fun loving “Nymph” wife as you state in the post the majority of time in a marriage the couple will not perfectly be in that state. Therefore don’t discount “Madonna” sex.

    There will be times when a wife is not up to being spontaneous and super sexy but will still enjoy sexual intimacy. Embracing this type of sex is important for giving the wife the maximum amount of sexual fulfillment as well as maintaining emotional connection and the desire to engage in more “exciting” sexual encounters.

    Also there will be times when the husband needs sex with the “Madonna” rather than the “Nymph”. If he is depressed after a long day of “defending” he may just need a warm intimate connection rather than a fast paced passionate romp.

    So by all means go for “Nymph” sex. It is an important part of the sexual relationship. Just don’t neglect “Madonna” sex along the way.

  6. You also pointed out how it can be hard for wives to switch between “Madonna” and “Nymph”. My advice to wives in this spot is two fold. Start slow and focus on embracing your own sexual desires.

    God designed women to be sexual beings just as much as men and a wife’s sexual satisfaction is just as important as a husband’s.

    A wife could start this process by regularly initiating make-out sessions throughout the day that don’t go any further. This allows for both spouses desires to be awakened and to simmer but removes the feeling of pressure that comes from worrying that just making-out has to result in sex.

    I have noticed that many marriages either neglect “just making out” by not kissing anymore or just use kissing as a precursor to sex. That is a loss as taking time “just to make out” can be very beneficial for the wife’s sexual arousal.

    As her sexual desire and confidence grows she can up the ante by having some of these make-out sessions end with her husband manually stimulating her to orgasm.

    1. Finally I would recommend the wife and the husband plan special occasions for “just for him” or “just for her” sex.

      You already hinted at this above when you gave the idea of “meet him at the door naked when he gets home from work”. Couple of ideas I had include:

      For the Wife:

      1. Massage

      Setup: The wife gets into the Man on Fire (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/man-on-fire/) or
      Pedestal (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/pedestal/) position. The husband stands behind her and leans over to massage her back.

      Main event: After just massaging her for a time the husband wedges a clitoral vibrator against the wife’s clitoris (or the wife can hold it in place with one hand). The husband continues massaging until she is aroused enough for intercourse. He then enters her and continues the massage as he slowly thrusts in and out.

      Grand finale: The wife orgasms from clitoral and vaginal stimulation while simultaneously receiving a massage

      2. Multiples

      Setup: The husband starts making out with his wife on a couch or love seat. (Note: Let the fire grow here, the couple should act like they are two horny teenagers again but this time they can go all the way with God’s approval)

      The husband then starts touching the breasts and genitals over the clothes but doesn’t yet remove them. This continues for a few minutes (again, maintaining the slow burn). Then the husband directly stimulates the clitoris under the clothes, continuing until the wife climaxes.

      Main event: After taking time for the wife to recover the husband removes her clothing, kneels down in the Hot Seat Cunnilingus Position (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/hot-seat/), and orally stimulates her to another climax.

      Grand finale: The husband brings the wife to the bed and the couple assume the Cowgirl position (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/cowgirl/). The wife can then ride the husband to a final climax.

      For the Husband:

      1. The Ride of a Lifetime

      Setup: The couple start on the coach fully clothed. The wife starts things off with some cuddling that leads to light then passionate kissing followed by sexual touch through clothing. Each stage is taken at a slow pace.
      (Basically, this starts out just like #2 for above)

      Main event: The wife straddles her husband, removes her top, and grinds against him. The couple continues to make-out while the wife encourages the husband to enjoy her breasts while her clitoris is manually stimulated by the husband or the wife.

      Grand finale: When the wife is fully aroused, she walks the husband to the bedroom and the couple fully undress. She then pushes him down on the bed, climbs on top, and rides the husband passionately until he climaxes. If climax for the wife does not occur during this process the husband can bring her to climax afterwards.

      2. Seven Minutes in Heaven

      Setup: The wife leaves the husband a note telling him to meet her in the closet for a game of “7 Minutes in Heaven”

      Main Event: The couple make out and pet with the passion of horny teenagers.

      Grand Finale: The wife undresses the husband and orally stimulates him to climax (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/atten-hut/). Alternatively, she can encourage him to undress her or wear a skirt with no panties and let him take her passionately in rear entry. (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/fast-and-furious/)

      1. FYI I have already written up 15 ideas for each spouse similar to the ones I shared here. Let me know if you think these ideas would make for a useful post and I’ll put them in the comments or send them via email.

  7. Finally I would advise wives who desire to work on their “Nymph” side to involve their husbands in planning “just for him” or “just for her” sexual encounters. Having occasional sessions that focus all or most of the attention on one spouse can be very enjoyable.

    As you indicated above ideas like “meet him at the door naked when he gets home from work” can encourage more passion in lovemaking. Here are some more ideas:

    For the Wife:

    1. Multiples

    Setup: The husband starts making out with his wife on a couch or love seat. (Note: Let the fire grow here, the couple should start out by acting like making-out is as far as they can go (like before marriage). Don’t rush it.)

    The husband then starts touching the breasts and genitals over the clothes but doesn’t yet remove them. This continues for a few minutes. Then the husband directly stimulates the clitoris under the clothes, continuing until the wife climaxes.

    Main event: After taking time for the wife to recover the husband removes her clothing, kneels down in the Hot Seat Cunnilingus Position (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/hot-seat/), and orally stimulates her to another climax.

    Grand finale: The husband brings the wife to the bed and the couple assume the Cowgirl position (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/cowgirl/). The wife can then ride the husband to a final climax.

    2. Massage

    Setup: The wife gets into the Man on Fire (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/man-on-fire/) or Pedestal (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/pedestal/) position. The husband stands behind her and leans over to massage her back.

    Main event: After just massaging her for a time the husband wedges a clitoral vibrator against the wife’s clitoris (or the wife holds it in place with one hand). The husband continues massaging until she is aroused enough for intercourse. He then enters her and continues the massage as he slowly thrusts in and out.

    Grand finale: The wife orgasms from clitoral and vaginal stimulation while simultaneously receiving a massage.

    For the Husband:

    1. The Ride of a Lifetime

    Setup: The couple start on the couch fully clothed. The wife starts things off with some cuddling that leads to light then passionate kissing followed by sexual touch through clothing. Each stage is taken at a slow pace. (Basically, the couple starts out like this is a make-out session from before they got married just like in #1 above)

    Main event: The wife straddles her husband, removes her top, and grinds against him. The couple continues to make-out while the wife encourages the husband to enjoy her breasts while her clitoris is manually stimulated by the husband or the wife.

    Grand finale: When the wife is fully aroused, she walks the husband to the bedroom and the couple fully undress. She then pushes him down on the bed, climbs on top, and rides the husband passionately until he climaxes. If climax for the wife does not occur during this process the husband can bring her to climax afterwards.

    2. Seven Minutes in Heaven

    Setup: The wife leaves the husband a note telling him to meet her in the closet for a game of “7 Minutes in Heaven”

    Main Event: The couple make out and pet with passion.

    Grand Finale: The wife undresses the husband and orally stimulates him to climax (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/atten-hut/). Alternatively, she can encourage him to undress her (or she can wear a skirt without panties) and let him take her passionately in rear entry. (https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/fast-and-furious/)

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