We get a lot of emails from husbands who are frustrated with the quantity and quality of sex in their marriage. I’m writing this post to capture the advice that I generally give in response to these emails. See also: husbands dealing with sexual rejection and how to talk to your spouse about sex.
It’s tough to give advice because we don’t know everything going on in each marriage, but here are some things that might help.
- Pray. Ask God to bless your sex life. Ask to have desire for your spouse.
- Learn each other’s love language. Then be intentional in speaking your spouse’s love language.
- Try physical touch with your spouse with no expectation of sex. Hug, kiss, caress, but don’t try to immediately follow up. These non-sexual touches fuel me and often get me in the mood.
- Be a student of your spouse. I love having sex with El Fury because he knows me. He makes me feel sexy and beautiful. Find out what makes your spouse feel sexy, and they will want to have sex.
- Communication. The more you talk about sex with each other, the more comfortable you will be talking about sex with each other, and the fewer problems you will have.
Husbands, this is specifically for you. El Fury recently told me a quote: a man can’t consider himself a good lover until he can do the exact same thing for an hour without moving. This is so true. If your wife is anything like me, I take up to 45 minutes to orgasm when my husband uses his hand. If we use the vibrator during sex it’s about 20 minutes. That’s a long time. It can take a long time for a woman to orgasm. Be patient. Here are some tips:
- Only about 30% of women can orgasm from intercourse alone. If El Fury focused on my vagina I would never have an orgasm. You have to focus stimulation around the clitoris. Combine that with vaginal stimulation and your wife will go crazy. Keep the attention on the clitoris, it’s likely your wife can’t orgasm without that. That might mean that you give your wife an orgasm before you even have penetration.
- If you want your wife to enjoy sex, focus on her pleasure first. If she’s not having an orgasm frequently, she’s probably not enjoying sex. Make sure you are meeting her needs and she will be more enthusiastic about meeting yours.
- Pray for your wife and her sexual needs.
- Pray. These are the prayers that I often pray: That I would have desire for my husband, that I would have energy in the evening or be alert in the morning, that we would have a sex life that is fulfilling to both of us.
- Pay attention to your cycle. I especially want sex right before my period, surprisingly during my period, and about two weeks after the start of my period. I try my hardest to make sure I orgasm often during those times, and it makes a huge difference in my overall sexual satisfaction.
- Have you ever had an orgasm? If you “think so”, then you haven’t. I still remember my first one, and there was no doubt. I had previously thought there was something wrong with my body. I had thought it would magically happen with the right position during sex. I was wrong! It happened by El Fury touching me the right way in the right spot. Since we figured out where that button was, we have learned so much more about my body, what turns me on, and what gets me to orgasm. Sex became fun!
- Be at peace with sex. Your husband will never stop wanting to have sex with you. He will continue to pursue you. If you find out what you enjoy, his pursuit will be a good thing and not something that you will forever try to avoid.
I hope this is helpful! Leave your questions or suggestions in the comments.
Makes me want to divorce my wife. I been married 24 years and the sex is worse then ever and has never really been all that to be honest. Ive tried it all including the expensive weekends and all that but to no avail its a scam. The lady is a trickster. They trick the man into thinking they are something that they are not. I feel so betrayed and duped that I am not going to get married ever again either there is no way.
Wow, I’m really sorry to read all that. You must be very hurt and frustrated. How much time have you spent in prayer? You can’t change your wife, but you can pray. God can change her and YOU.
I’m sorry if this sounds trite or naive… it probably does sound that way, considering how hurt you are. I just prayed for you and your wife, and I honestly believe that it’s God’s will for you to have a great marriage with your wife. It can be hard to turn around when you’ve gone a long way down a path. Try tears.
I have a specific question abput masterbation
I don’t really know where else to go at this point because the topic is so vague. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life. We have been married 9 years and I have never denied him and I never will. He also respects me not to ask me if he knows I am in physical pain or not feeling well as I have some gealth issues. But we are intimate at least 10 times a month at least. Still just as crazy about one another. The main issue is I tend to have a higher sex drive thsn he does and sometimes I do get left hanging lol or I am in the mood, but he is not after a long day. He works hard for our family and if he is tired I let him sleep and take care of myself when that need arises. It was fine, he knows about it as we are very open. He has done that was well when I am ill and it does not bother me at all because it is not an addiction and pornography is not involved. He will also tell me about gis thoughts which usually are a time we had “fun” in a spontaneous way and he uses that as visual. It was working fine until I read an account of a man who died and went to hell, there he saw what happens and one image stood put in particular. He said he saw people who professed to be Christians, but had kept committing the sin of masturbation (I never thought of it as a sin of you aren’t lusting or having porn involved) and they were burning, but also demons were stabbing them woth long spears up through their genitals and the end would come put of their chest. This absolutely terrified me and I have been obstaining, but now it is making me resent my husband for not wanting to meet my needs more. For eveey one I have, he has 4 or 5. He is usually too tired for foreplay every time and in your article it says that area us most women’s only way to achieve orgams, as with my case.
I guess my question is will you really go to hell if you use ut as a tool for a having a higher sex drive if you are not lusting or looking at pornography and isn’t replacing youelr spouse? Or is it permissible if it keeps your marriage bed happy? Just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed where I wasn’t before.
Haley,
I just found this site and don’t know if I am doing this right, so I hope the message gets to you. I do not personally know of anywhere in the Bible where it calls masturbation a sin. God created us, he knows what our sexual needs are. The only sins I know of involving sex are fornication and adultery. Sex within a marriage is how He expects our needs to be met. Within that marriage and the consent of your partner your needs should be met. If you and your husband have consented to the plan that if one is not “in the mood” the other can take care of the need themself through masturbation, that is within the guidelines God set up. The only way I think it would be a sin is if you were doing it behind each others back without consent. That also could be harmful to your marriage and sex life. That is my feeling based on my knowledge of God’s Word. Hope it helps.
I agree put your wife’s pleasure first. But if the wife always require that. Then it’ll fail. A man needs to be wanted as well. There should be plenty of moments where the woman just want to do anything for his pleasure as it gets her off, not because he took care of her first. And truth be told there are women who are so into their husbands that getting him off gets her off and her physical orgasm is just a bonus. Those women also tend to have a happier committee life.