El Fury and I have been blogging about sex for 10 years! We got the idea while driving home from a marriage class at our church. We both felt a burden for married couples after listening to people share their hopelessness for their sex lives. After a decade of our own marriage, and hearing questions and feedback from our readers, we have learned a lot!
- We are lifelong learners. I love that at any moment we can stumble upon something we didn’t know about ourselves or our spouse. If you are curious and willing to play and explore, there is a lot to discover. Even when I think we have all of our moves down, El Fury can simply rub me in the right spot while doing something else and I can’t believe how it drives me crazy.
- Play is important. Sometimes we take things too seriously. Life has a lot of responsibilities. You should definitely take your marriage seriously, but don’t forget to play with your spouse. Play is one of the best forms of bonding in a relationship. When was the last time you made your spouse laugh? Sex is a form of play, so make sure to incorporate playfulness into your sexuality.
- It’s easy to fall into a pattern. Calendars fill up and time passes with a sort of inertia. Your sex life can get caught up in that. Your sex life should not be all novelty, but guard from letting it be only routine. Even one night of novelty every few months can keep your sex life feeling lively. Be intentional in planning a few times a year to create space for something different.
- When I am in a season of low libido, it’s not that I need less sex but more orgasms. I have gone through periods in our marriage where my libido is lower. During times like this I am usually busier in other areas of life, feeling stressed, and am having fewer orgasms because I feel like I don’t have enough time or energy. I feel like I want to avoid sex altogether. When this has happened and I put in the effort to have one more orgasm a week, my attitude totally changes.
- It takes two to tango. When we have problems, whether it is in our sex life or another part of our relationship, these are best resolved when you humbly acknowledge your role in the problem. Before a discussion about a problem, ask yourself, how have I contributed to this. Then go first. This is the problem I see, here is how I think I have contributed, here is how I think you have contributed, do you think that’s a fair assessment, and how do we resolve this and move forward. Whenever we approach arguments like this I always look back and think they went well.
- Communicate. Most of the questions we get from our readers can be solved by communication. Get comfortable talking to your spouse about sex. Most of the time this can be really positive! I loved it when you did… If you are in the habit of talking about sex with your spouse, then it’s easier when you do have a problem.
- Connection is circular. I feel most connected to El Fury when we are having good quality time together. For me, that is usually in the form of good conversations and play. When I feel connected to him, I feel like having sex. El Fury feels most connected to me when we are having good sex. That in turn makes him feel like engaging in good quality time together. Our needs feed each other’s needs. When this is a circular flow, it’s great! At times, this can get out of flow. When this happens, one of us needs to go first. The great thing is, then it is easy to get back in.
We pray this is a blessing to your marriage and your sex life! For those of you that have learned great lessons from your sex lives, please leave a comment and share!
Hey guys. Happy Anniversary.
You are awesome!!!!!
I don’t see comments here but I imagine you have a worldwide readership.
Thank you and here’s to the next ten years.
Thank you! Sometimes there are more comments than others, who knows why :) We are pleased to play a small part in edifying marriage.
Congratulations on a both a decade of marriage and a decade of blogging! For several years, I’ve been impressed by quality, variety, and tone of the advice on this website. It’s been every combination of broad or specific, theological or practical, and serious or very, very silly. The tone has been consistently adventurous and humble.
Altogether, it’s served as great center of discussion for my wife while we were courting, and I expect that it will a great source of inspiration and encouragement for us during the first many years of our marriage, if not beyond.
Thank you for leaving such a wonderful comment. There’s nothing better for us than playing a small part in God’s work in your marriage.
Happy Anniversary! I have benefited greatly from your articles. Informed by your Christian faith, you have elevated the physical nature of sex as good and holy. This doesn’t get said much in church. Sex can be hot AND holy— who knew!
Thank you for your comment, it means a lot to us and we wholeheartedly agree!
Thank you! You’ve helped me and my wife to communicate much better about our activities. We now have a much more connected and shared experience than we did before. We also feel more love than we did before. It’s less of a “thing you do” now and more of a necessary part of our lives. It’s now more of an adventure than a destination.