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Reader “MM” asks:

Intimacy after losing a loved one. This is something I’ve thought about in the past. I want to know your thoughts about this. Do you think it’s taboo to engage in sex soon after losing one’s mother, father, brother, ect., or would you say it’s all right? I would think the comfort from married intimacy in the wake of loss would work wonders, but then, I haven’t found myself in that situation. What do you think?

This is a hard question for me to answer: neither Sexy Corte nor I have been in this position yet. Everyone eventually faces grief in life, so your question is universal.

It would seem to me that the intimacy of sex with your spouse would be very comforting in a time of grief. Far from being taboo, sexual intimacy can be a powerful healing force when one spouse is hurting. However, everyone is different, so I’d follow the cues of the grieving spouse. If Sexy Corte were grieving, I would provide all the comfort I could, and be available for sexual intimacy if she desired it.

Sometimes it’s hard for a grieving person to accept comfort of any kind, and that’s normal. However, as the immediacy and intensity of the grief dulls, it becomes easier to both talk about the loss and to welcome another person into the intimacy of the experience. If your spouse is grieving, I recommend that you make yourself available for whatever kind of comfort she desires, whether that’s listening, conversation, distraction, or sexual intimacy.

If any readers would like to share their experiences with this situation, please do so in the comments.

Update: An anonymous commenter points to a verse I should have thought of: 2 Samuel 12:24. After the illness and eventual death of King David and Bathsheba’s first child, conceived in adultery and murder, the parents are grief-stricken. They find comfort in repentance (Psalm 51) and each other.

Then David comforted his wife, Bathsheba, and went in to her and lay with her, and she bore a son, and he called his name Solomon.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Reader “T” writes:

My husband and I are recent empty-nesters and our sex lives have fallen into the predictable and stale category. He has given me hints over the years about certain things he would like to do with me but when I take him up on it, he starts backing off. For instance, he has always hinted that he wants to come in my mouth. I enjoy giving him head so this isn’t a problem for me. What IS a problem is that giving head stimulates me so much that I am usually begging for penetration after a few minutes.

The last time he asked for a blow job, I said, “what happens afterward? I will be miserable with desire and you will be finished.”

He said, “Well, we’ll have to find something else to use for penetration then.”

I took him up on that and suggested that we could look for something together but he acted almost stunned that I would consider using something else besides his penis. On other occasions, he has made comments about spanking me. I would love this but when I said I would like to explore that option, he clammed up. There are lots of other things I would love to do for him and to him but he seems to think that I would be using him with no love involved. We’ve had that discussion. I tell him I love him every day at least once and we’ve been together 37 years. What more can I do? I told him that to me true intimacy is being able to trust a person to the point where you can share your deepest desires and fantasies.

My husband is still very hot to me. He is very handsome and fit. He has always had great genes physically. His pecs, shoulders, back, arms, and butt still make me drool. He is built far better still, than men half his age. He is 60 and I see much younger women eyeballing him whenever we are out. Most people think we are in our mid 40s (lucky us). We have both started taking bio-identical hormones which has increased our libidos and performance but he still doesn’t seem to have the desire that I do. When I let him know that I want him, he seems uncomfortable.

He does occasionally have trouble keeping it up during intercourse. He says he gets distracted but won’t say why. All I know is that here we both are with an empty house where I can moan and scream all I want to and he seems mostly disinterested. We have had kids in the home for 33 years and now that they are gone I want to renew the adventure in our sex lives. I don’t know what to do. Should I just leave him alone and let him think awhile or just drop it altogether?

Thanks for the email! And congratulations on 37 years of marriage, that is amazing! I definitely don’t think you should stop pursuing an awesome sex life. I know in my marriage I have gone through periods of lower libido. It is discouraging in those times because I wanted to want sex! I was surprised by how much having an open, honest conversation with my husband helped. He really tried to understand what I was going through, and we talked about how to help it improve. If your husband doesn’t feel comfortable talking about intimacy, try bringing up the things you want to try during intimate moments.

Right after sex can be a great time to have a positive discussion about your sex life. You could try saying something like, “I really liked it when you did this… maybe next time we could try this….” It could be that your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure. You could try telling him what he does do that really satisfies you so that he is secure in his ability to please you. Keep the conversation positive and focus on what you like. I will pray for you as you navigate this season of your sex life.

As far as him coming in your mouth, I do understand what you mean about desiring penetration. I find sex more fulfilling when I orgasm with El Fury inside me. But, it is fun to change things up a bit. We have a move we call Old Faithful that we use mostly for foreplay, but sometimes we both orgasm during this move. Basically, I position myself so that I can give EF oral sex while he can play with me with his hand. He can occasionally penetrate me with his fingers while he rubs me. It’s not the same as his penis, of course, but it still feels really good. When we both climax this way, he brings me to orgasm first. He always talks about how sexy it is when I come with his penis in my mouth. It doesn’t take long after I orgasm for him to do the same.

And “T” wrote back:

Thank you Sexy Corte, it helps to know that there are those out there who understand. A lot of what has happened to my libido lately is because of the recent revelation that I’ve had about what a Biblical marriage allows in the marriage bed. We have always been highly appreciative of sex but because of religious taboos, I put out the fire on my adventurous nature concerning sex. After much study and also discovering several blogs on Christian marriage, my views about pleasuring each other have changed drastically. Now I can be on fire at a moments notice. I just don’t think he’s there yet.

You said, “It could be your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure.” I think you are right. I had that conversation with him last night after reading a blog about what excites women during sex. I told him that as a woman, knowing that he desires me is the biggest part of the turn-on….not simply him going through the motions because he knows I’m horny. I told him that if that was all I wanted, I could have bought a dildo years ago and been perfectly happy. I think he is starting to understand that I want HIM….the whole package, not just a penis. I did purchase some toys to pleasure him with. I am hoping that as I introduce things to give him pleasure, he will see that I am not “using” him, I am “enjoying” him. Thank you for your prayers and your advice as we experiment our way through new territory.

Thanks for the follow-up email. We hope your sex life is as awesome, adventurous, and amazing as God intends!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Lately I have been hearing from more and more women a consistent desire that is burning in their hearts. They want and need their husbands to step up and be a spiritual leader to their family. They are weary of bearing the burden of leadership that they were not created to bear. We live in a time that feminism and equal roles are common themes in our households. But this is not what God has intended.

God has blessed us with a lot of scripture to help us fulfill our roles as husbands and wives. My favorite is Ephesians 5:22-33.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Scripture makes it very clear — God designed the husband to be the leader of the family. As most Christians learn, when God sets up a model of which to live by, it’s because that is the best possible way. It’s what will bring Him glory, how we will be happiest, and how our lives will function properly. Husbands, you are the leaders. Your wife is to be your helper, your counselor. Lead your wife lovingly and she will happily follow.

So wives, what do you do if your husband is not being the leader you need him to be?

1. Pray. Pray that God would convict him and guide him.

2. Equip him. We are the helpers, the supporters. Start by asking him to make the decisions, and then follow through with the decision he does make. You can also give him the tools and the encouragement he needs to be a good leader. Find a devotional the two of you can do together or with your family. Ask him to lead prayer at meals or bedtimes with the kids.

3. Encourage him. If he does step up and lead, it is probably out of his comfort zone to do so. If your first response is criticism, it will probably make him shut down. Encouragement will build up his confidence to continue leading. Keep in mind his style of leading might look very different from how you would lead. This is where you need to submit and surrender to his leadership.

4. Praise God. God deserves all the praise and glory. I think especially for women, it is easy to put our hope and faith in our husbands. But putting our hope in anything other than God will bring disappointment every time.

5. Don’t get discouraged. Leadership is a learned skill. He’s not going to turn into the leader you dream for your family overnight, and he might not fully step up at once. If he steps up, then falls back into letting you lead, keep praying and keep encouraging him.

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The holidays are hectic, and doubly so if you’re going on vacation — maybe triple if you’re going to visit family. With everything going on at the last minute before you walk out the door, sex may be the last thing on your mind… but you’re not going to abstain while you’re gone, are you? Are you? I sure hope not. Travel sex is some of the best sex, but take a few minutes to get prepared before you leave.

A lot depends on where you’ll be staying. If it’s just you and your spouse staying at a hotel, the preparation will be a lot easier than if you’re sharing a room with your kids in your parents’ basement. Here’s a checklist to help you out:

  • Set expectations. Hopefully you’re both expecting to make love on your trip, but when and where? If the babies wake up at the crack of dawn, you may need to retire early to have some time together before you go to sleep. If the kids nap, then maybe you can grab a quickie in the afternoon. If your family stays up till midnight watching movies, you may try to rise early together. If you don’t make a plan, you may end up with one horny spouse expecting some lovin’ at midnight while the other collapses into bed exhausted. In addition to the timing, figure out where you can have sex, and for how long. The wife will probably need more time, comfort, and privacy to have an orgasm than her husband will, so husbands, don’t just plan on quickies for the whole trip and leave her frustrated.
  • Lube. It may not be absolutely necessary, but it will probably make the wife’s orgasm a lot easier. If you’re in a pinch, you might be able to borrow some lotion from your family for your “dry hands”.
  • Sex rags. Bring a few of your own washcloths in your suitcase to clean up after sex. If you’re staying at a hotel this probably isn’t an issue, but do you want your mother-in-law grossing out when she does the laundry after you leave?
  • Sex toys. These will definitely depend on your circumstances. It might be hard to use a vibrator while your kids sleep on the floor next to your bed and your parents are a foot away on the other side of the wall. However, in situations like these you might need to have sex in places other than your sleeping area anyway, and that means that a vibrator might come in very handy to get her off quickly. If you’re doing it in the bathroom you can cover the noise with the exhaust fan. If you “drive to the store” a vibrator can really help in the confines of a car. Speed is often important during family vacation sex, so don’t forget your vibrator. Important tip: take the batteries out before you pack it… otherwise it might turn itself on in your suitcase. That’s fun to explain when your family notices!
  • Portable door lock. Finding privacy can be hard, especially if you’re staying with family and their doors don’t lock.
  • Just do it! When you’re on vacation don’t make excuses, make opportunities!

Do you have any tips for vacation sex? How do you prepare?

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Gerad exhorts husbands specifically: “life” is a marriage killer. He writes:

Your marriage goes from “the two of us are the priority”, to “now that we have kids, we can’t be the priority right now”. And you might even convince yourselves that “it’s only for a little while”, or “when the kids are gone, we’ll pick up where we left off!”, but it’s not, and you won’t.

When all that “life stuff” starts taking over the priorities, you and your wife start what I call a“slow drift” apart from each other. Slowly but surely, “life” starts to sit in between you and your wife, and before you know it, you realize that you haven’t had sex in two weeks, and you’re crabby with each other, but you don’t really remember why, and the kids are acting out, because they’ve noticed something’s up with mom and dad, and life just seems miserable.Ever been there? I know we sure have. And you know what the cause is? Life. Plain, simple, boring, LIFE.

Like many problems, it’s a matter of priorities. Everything in life seems so important, but for the most part that’s a delusion. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the life of John the Baptist. He only lived about 30 years. What do we know of him from the Bible? He lived in the wilderness, baptized a bunch of people (including Jesus), and got executed by Herod. Those are the only aspects of his life that were important enough to God to write in Bible. And what does Jesus say about John? “Truly, I say to you, among those born of women there has arisen no one greater than John the Baptist.”

Having sex with your wife is the most important thing you’ll do most days. Make it a priority. Your kids, your job, your lawn, your hobbies… they’ll still be there after you’ve given her an amazing orgasm. Do it today.

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I love watching our toddler. She is full of so much joy and energy. Everything is worth exploring. She takes so much delight in such simple pleasures. Learning to jump, looking at the moon, petting our dog. There are so many things that I take for granted that I get to rediscover through her eyes. It’s so refreshing.

There are many things in relationships that we take for granted too. I guess you get used to each other, but we should still take time to enjoy the simple pleasures of our spouse. Lately I’ve been focusing on kissing. I’m trying to avoid those hurried pecks on the lips. Instead I try to give El Fury passionate, lingering kisses that leave you hungry for more. I don’t want lazy kisses, I want to be left out of breath from having my mouth thoroughly ravaged! If he dips me at the end, that’s even better.

There are a lot of simple relationship pleasures. Holding hands, snuggling. What do you take for granted with your spouse?

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Staying in a hotel is great! But less fun if you’re sharing a room with your kids. Fortunately if your kids are young you can still get in some adult activities after they fall asleep or in the middle of the night. Obviously you don’t want to disturb your precious little ones as they slumber, but you can’t be expected to keep your hands off each other for the whole trip, right?!

This isn’t rocket science, but here are a few tips for having sex while you’re sharing a hotel room with your kids.

  • Be quiet. Well duh. Bite your lips, and stifle your moans into your spouse’s neck.
  • Two queen beds. Obviously you don’t want to share a king bed with your kids while you’re getting it on.
  • Darkness is your friend. Turn off all the lights and close the curtains. Most hotel rooms can be made very dark, so do it. That way if the kids do hear something at least they won’t see anything.
  • Turn the temperature down as cold as possible. This keeps the fan going (to cover any noise you make) and it also keeps you comfortable while you’re writhing around under the covers.
  • Missionary position is good because you can do it under the covers and the movements required are pretty minimal. Girl-on-top positions will be much harder to conceal.
  • Or you can always do it in the shower with the door closed!

Unfortunately the need for stealth may make it hard for the wife to orgasm. Obviously this will depend on the woman, and if you have any tips for getting her off silently then please share them in the comments.

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J. Parker writes about what dads teach their daughters about intimacy and it’s a great read. Since this is a blog more about sex than family, let me specifically focus on this paragraph:

Fathers can also overtly teach their daughters what men are like in the sexual arena — how a man’s mind works, what he pays attention to, how he struggles with lust, how he desires a deep connection, how sex is related to that feeling of connection. Dads have the opportunity to arm their daughters with knowledge and wisdom based on their own experiences. They can help their girls navigate the minefields of dating and courtship and then be the kind of girlfriend and wife a godly man needs.

Obviously there are limits to what you can tell your kids about sex, but most parents err on the side of silence. Your kids will learn about every position, every kind of sex toy, every sexual act. Kids have always shared this “illicit” knowledge among themselves, and now there’s the internet to fill in the blanks. Of course, everything they learn from these sources will be slanted by worldly values, full of error, and provocatively lustful.

As a parent, you should get ahead of the situation. You can be the source for sexual information for your kids, and you should instruct them with Godly, Biblical wisdom and experience. Developing this kind of open, trusting relationship with your kids takes time and energy, along with a willingness to  broach difficult subjects and share personal stories. These things aren’t easy, but teenagers really are hungry for information and as an adult, you’ve got it — if you can surmount your embarrassment and share it.

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In addition to El Fury’s post about the Master Bedroom being the Sex Room, I wanted to add a few other thoughts. There are other ways in which we make this room our Sex Room.

Having nightstands with drawers gives us a lot of concealed storage for various sex props. We keep a lot of toys, fun books, lube, etc. in our nightstands. It’s nice to have these things readily accessible in the heat of the moment.

I think our bedroom looks sexy too. We picked out the bedding and the furniture together, so it’s our room. We try to keep it tidy too, so at least for me, when I walk into our bedroom I don’t think about what I need to do to clean it up. I think about what I want to do, or about what I liked doing.

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Sexy Corte and I have a lot of married friends who are shocked and surprised when they learn that we always lock our bedroom door at night. It seems that most of our peers not only keep their doors unlocked, but often sleep with their doors open or with their kids in the sex bed!

This is wrong. How are you going to get it on when kids can burst in any any time? Or when kids are in bed with you? The master bedroom is a place of intimacy, privacy, and sexual abandon!  It’s your pleasure garden. The kids need to be kept out.

You need to think of your master bedroom as the sex room. Sure, you should have sex all over the house when possible, but if you have kids then most of the time you’ll be getting it on in your sex room. Your bed is the sex bed. In the sex room, sex can happen at any time. The sex bed is for doing dirty deeds with your spouse, not cuddling your kids.

Your kids should rarely enter the sex room, and certainly not without permission. If you’re in the sex room, you should be either preparing to have sex, actually having sex, or half-conscious from amazing sex. (Or asleep, I guess.) You don’t want your kids walking in on that, do you?

Most of sex is mental and emotional, not physical. If you think of your bedroom as your sex room, guess what? Your mind and emotions will shift to make it true. Guard your intimacy and your privacy with your spouse, because if you don’t respect them then your kids certainly won’t.

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