Sex Q&A: "Another Unfulfilling Love-Making Session" 1

We often get emails from husbands who want advice because they sense that their wives aren’t enjoying sex that much, so we thought it would be particularly worthwhile to share this email from wife “RI”:

Hi there.

The fact that I feel awkward writing this email already may say a thing or two.

I am writing this after having had another unfulfilling love-making session with my husband last night.

I have often thought of seeking help but I have not known where or how and wanted to seek advice from a Christian source.

My husband and I have been married for over one-and-a-half years. We are both each other’s first and only sex partners. My husband engaged in pornography prior to our marriage, but I don’t feel this is affecting our relationship. We have an awesome marriage! But we get stuck when it comes to sex. He seems quite happy with our loving-making sessions but I am often left feeling like it’s been one-sided. I don’t fully know what makes me feel good and when I try to explore I get nowhere. I ask my husband to explore and sometimes he gets it right (and I make sure he knows it) but often he does some casual kissing here and there to try get to the goal of penetration. I do occasionally orgasm but always in the same position during penetration. We have tried other positions but they just hurt for me. He has tried using his hand or fingers but it has never worked. He doesn’t seem to know how to use his hands differently even with thorough communication which often leads to frustration on both our parts. I read about how sex within marriage should be fun and exciting and very stimulating but to be honest I often just try to have it because I know we should but am scared of being disappointed again and feeling like the whole thing is one-sided. I don’t know if the problem lies with me as I feel like I’m really not very sensitive physically and like there’s something wrong with me. I often just catch myself thinking “there must be more” especially if even Christian marriage books speak so highly of how fulfilling sex can be and how great it can feel.

I don’t have a direct question but some guidance would really help even if that guidance is referring me to a Christian counselor or something.

Thank you.

Wow, what an honest and vulnerable letter! Husband, if you’re longing for greater intimacy and frequency with your wife then consider that your wife’s experience might be close to what RI as written.

RI, thanks for your email! Don’t worry about feeling awkward — talking about sex has that effect on people! Be encouraged that sex tends to improve over marriage, and you have many years of exploring ahead of you. El Fury and I are frequently learning new techniques to enjoy. Your sex life is a process of discovery, and your body can even change over time. Something that didn’t get your attention before can suddenly feel amazing.

You should also be encouraged that you’re able to have an orgasm from penetration — 70%+ of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, which can be hard to accomplish during penetrative sex. It doesn’t sound like there is anything physically wrong with you. I used to have that same thought, and I wasn’t even able to orgasm for a long time. Here are some suggestions for you to try:

  • Communication is really important, especially about sex. The more you talk about sex with your husband the easier it gets. Tell him that you want to figure out how to be more responsive sexually and ask if he would be willing to learn with you. You could tell him about our blog. There might be a few posts to direct him to, like “How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain”, “How To Help Your Wife Orgasm”, “Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants”, and “Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique”. It’s hard to figure out what feels good without exploring, and maybe you both need some fresh ideas!
  • Extended foreplay. If you are having pain during sex it’s often because you aren’t aroused enough, or even aroused at all. Spending time in foreplay is key on this. It can take women 45 minutes or longer to orgasm — for me it’s a good 20-30 minutes. It’s important to have the mindset when you start your session that you’re going to be in it for a while. Sometimes it’s just the same motion for a long time that does the trick. El Fury could be using his fingers and it doesn’t stimulate me, but then he moves them a tiny amount and it feels completely different. So even if he is using the same technique, try moving around until you get the right spot. Then in a few minutes, you might have to move it again. Do foreplay until your body is really aching for penetration, then sex shouldn’t hurt.
  • Introduce a vibrator. I used to be really skeptical of sex toys, but then El Fury asked to use one on me and WOW. Just because you are using some assistance does not mean that sex becomes about the vibrator. Sex is still about the intimacy between you and your husband, and using a vibrator can really increase that intimacy. I can’t orgasm during sex without one. It’s a matter of geography. When we use a vibrator I get to experience that amazing closeness that comes from having an orgasm during sex. If you start using one with your spouse you are likely to have a lot more orgasms during sex, which is part of what makes sex feel so good!
  • Track your monthly cycle. Most women ovulate about two weeks after the first day of their period. Make sure you have sex on that day! One week later is usually PMS, and you might feel really low libido that day, so try not to get frustrated if sex isn’t great then. In addition to this, pay attention to yourself! Is there a certain time of day that you notice yourself feeling aroused? If possible, have sex at that time!
  • Talk about your needs and expectations. Most men need to orgasm more frequently than most women, and I don’t have an orgasm every time we have sex. Both partners should get the sex they need to feel satisfied, and that’s about more than mere frequency! You might not care about frequency as much as your husband, but when you do want an orgasm you should get one.
  • Pray about your sex life. Together! I remember the first time El Fury and I had sex, and right afterwards he prayed out-loud for our sex life. I thought it was so weird at the time, but looking back I’m so thankful he did, and that moment is one of my most meaningful memories.

I know that most of this post is about orgasms, but that is a really important part to having a fulfilling sex life. That is what satisfies you and also fuels your desire for sex the next time.

And since it’s worth repeating, husbands go check out Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She Wants. You’re likely to have more and better sex if your wife is having plenty of orgasms.

Make Coronavirus a Positive Transformational Experience 2

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light. And God saw that the light was good.”

Genesis 1:1-4

Right from the start God brought order out of chaos. Creation is often the first thing we learn about God. A few years ago someone pointed out to me that God’s creative process was the act of speaking order out of the chaos. In His good, perfect manner of doing so, His creation was declared good. 
Our world has abruptly descended into chaos. In a matter of a few short weeks all of our lives have changed drastically.

We are at an inflection point. The world is going through a transformational experience. Our actions right now will shape and define what our future will look like on the other side of this transformation. In a short time, many of our habits have changed. If we are not careful, bad habits will creep in. I want to encourage you that now is the time to be intentional in following God’s model of creation. It’s a time that in our individual lives we can act with integrity to bring order out of the chaos that we’re in. We all have the same amount of time, but it has shifted around. For me, the time I would usually be doing do chores I’m homeschooling instead. The time I would usually be working I’m doing chores. Our evening activities are cancelled but we’re maintaining connections through virtual socializing. Right now, as things are in flux, it’s the opportune time to look at our lives and allocate our time in a positive way.

As Christians: We can be light and hope to a world that’s in the dark. Even though many of us are isolated, we can still “rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) What reach could you have right now if you were being joyful instead of worrying, praying instead of looking at Facebook, giving thanks instead of complaining? How can you be generous when our instinct says to hoard? Who do you know that is suffering that you could call and offer hope to? When you are outside, how can you take some time to get to know your neighbors?

As spouses: Sit down with your spouse and have a discussion. How do we want to move on from here? Our time has shifted, so how are we going to best use it? When are we going to wake up in the morning? When is the best time for us to have sex? A date night? How can we be creative to have a date night when we can’t go anywhere? You still need to connect with your spouse physically, emotionally and spiritually. What good habits do we want to bring into our marriage right now? What bad habits have we started that we need to correct? If sex isn’t on your calendar regularly, now is a great time to make it a high priority. Make sure your spouse is sexually satisfied. Talk about your fears with each other — naming them will give you power over them. Keep a healthy diet, or if you don’t have a healthy diet, now is a good time to start one. Encourage each other. Thank each other. Play with each other.

As parents: Are you acting in a way that you will be proud of when you look back on this time? Are you acting in a way that you want your kids to imitate? How do you respond when your child walks into a room and needs something? Does your face light up to see them or do you look annoyed? Kids feel safe and secure when there is structure and a schedule. How can we establish a new schedule that allows them to thrive?

These are the questions El Fury and I are thinking about as we take tentative steps through the chaos. Thankfully El Fury is busy with work right now. He is serving our family in that capacity. Also thankfully, my work has slowed a lot, which has allowed me to adjust to the new rhythm of homeschooling. I want to serve my family by tending to their needs, encouraging them, praying together, and making good meals.

Transformational experiences are good opportunities to shape how you want to be in the future. Do this by using the timeless model that God lays out in His creation story. Trust in Him to guide you in bringing your chaos into order.

Sex Q&A: "What is your view on anal sex?" 3

Reader “YK” asks:

Sexy Corte, I have followed you and El Fury for a few months now. I am a husband but wanted your view as a woman on a few things. What is your view on anal sex?

I know my wife enjoys it as I do. Not saying that because I am a guy and enjoy it but because she has asked for anal sex at times when we share a shower. (There have been times I’ve refused, if you can believe that.) What I do not understand is that she goes crazy enjoying herself, but afterwards goes into a mode of “what have I done” attitude. Almost like she feels bad for enjoying the moment as much as she did.

Needless to say this really takes away from that BLESSED coming together feeling I get afterwards because I feel as if I did something wrong.

She also enjoys anal using my thumb the same time we are in doggy style. I MEAN SHE LETS GO SO MUCH THAT I FEEL I’M BEING HIT BY A JACKHAMMER!!!! So I guess my question, and I need some serious input, why does she enjoy anal sex but it has to be on her terms?

Also, she enjoys cumming in my mouth from oral but as I am about to cum she immediately wants me inside her to pound her as hard as I can until I cum, which in turn causes her to lose her mind!

One final point (sorry for taking so long), now is it normal for a wife to well…want to make sure her husband is at maximum length every time? Before me she said she never had an orgasm. Now she says she has three or more each time we are together.

I know this all may seem funny. Most men would love my “problems” but sometimes I feel like a stereotype! I am a black male of 9 1/2 inches so my wife says (she actually measured) 🤯. She is a white female and treats my penis like The One Ring from Lord of the Rings (myyyy precious)! We have been married for 25 years but it always seems like “her maximum ecstasy ” comes with how she feels is the best use of my penis!

There is definitely more but I think this will either be enough to make you slap your head, cause you mouth to fly open, ask El Fury to hurry and read this to stimulate a quickie, or just say this guy doesn’t know how good he has it! I look forward to your response. BLESSINGS!!!

Thanks for your email YK!

El Fury and I have been exploring the anal world in the last year, and it has been an interesting journey. In the past I have had no interest in anal sex, and I’m sure that’s in part because it is such a taboo topic. It is something that El Fury has wanted to do forever, and so I finally was able to open up and be willing to try some anal play. It has been a slow progression! I’ve been surprised at how much I’ve enjoyed it when he teases that area with his fingers. Actual penetration is very uncomfortable for me, so we time that for when I’m highly aroused. With that said, I wouldn’t say I am that “experienced” with anal sex.

I can understand your wife’s feeling of shame afterwards. I think the view of a lot of people is that anal sex is wrong, degrading, etc. I have been in conversations with other women where the attitude is “well, of course I wouldn’t do that!” So, having all of that pressure put on certain sex acts can make someone feel ashamed after giving into their desires. The Bible seems to be sexually open about all sorts of sex acts as long as it’s within the boundaries of marriage. The Song of Solomon has references to oral sex, and we believe that God wants you and your spouse to have an X-rated sex life. It seems that as long as sex is between the two of you, within the confines of your marriage, consensual, and leads to mutual satisfaction then it’s ok! If your wife can come to change her perception of anal sex then I don’t think she would feel bad afterwards.

As far as sex being on your wife’s terms, I think that because anal sex has commonly been viewed as a degrading act she might feel degraded if she consents when you want it. I’m not saying that she feels like you are trying to degrade her, it’s simply the stigma around the act. Whereas if she is initiating it then she’s in control.

For your second question about swallowing, communication is important. I used to get irritated when El Fury didn’t just know what I wanted! I had to learn to tell him. If you want your wife to swallow, you should communicate that to her. It doesn’t have to be every time, but tell her once in a while it would mean a lot to you if she swallowed.

For your third question, about length, I know for me there is something very arousing at the thought of taking all of El Fury inside me. It’s intoxicating to feel like I have as much of him inside me as possible. Your wife probably feels the same way, and would still want all of you even if your penis was an inch shorter!

It sounds like you and your wife have a great, active sex life! I definitely think you could communicate all of these questions to her. The more we talk about sex, the more natural it is to talk about. I hope this helps!

Reader YK wrote back:

I really appreciate your feedback and you really gave me some seriously valuable insight into her possible mindset concerning anal sex. I just never thought about the stigma and taboo the church has about anal sex could be the cause of her discomfort. This also explains why after accepting Jesus we both thought HOT sex was over!

SC, you and El Fury keep up the great work. There are too many married couples in the Body suffering due to these types of stigmas. BLESSINGS to you both!

How have taboos and stigmas affected your sex life with your spouse? And, of course, do you have any anal sex tips to share? Leave a comment below!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Truth-or-Dare “Dares” for Married Couples 4

Truth-or-Dare can be a lot of fun, but when you’ve been married for a few years — and maybe have kids in the house — it might start to feel like there aren’t any interesting “dares” left! So here’s a long list of dares that are intended to evoke the embarrassment/challenging tone of truth-or-dare even for couples that have been married for a while and may not be able to play outside their bedroom. (Check out this earlier post for a list of truth-or-dare “truths” for married couples.)

The “dares” are numbered so you can pick one randomly, or use the random sexual truth-or-dare generator!

Continue reading

Sexy Scavenger Hunt 5

Are you looking for a fun gift idea for your spouse? Surprise them with a sexy scavenger hunt! I recently created this for El Fury’s Christmas present, but it can work for birthdays or any other occasion you want to make your spouse feel loved. I will describe what I did, but there are endless variations, so make it your own and tailor it to your spouse’s interests.

The preparation required three steps. First, I ordered a three gifts to make the scavenger hunt an experience — Bailey’s Irish Cream, lingerie, and a book of sexy games. Second, I wrote some riddles whose solutions would direct El Fury around the house looking for these gifts. Third, on the day of the hunt I hid the gifts and the clues around the house while El Fury was distracted. At the last moment before we left for dinner I set the first clue on the counter so he would see it right away when we got home.

The first clue explained the rules and directed El Fury to the first present, the bottle of Bailey’s. He took the hint and we poured ourselves a tasty beverage to enjoy for the rest of the hunt. I made sure to alternate gifts with sexy acts, and the second riddle led El Fury to remove his pants so I could perform oral on him for a few minutes while he sipped his Bailey’s. The third riddle led him to the sexy lingerie, and he enjoyed watching me put it on right away. Make sure that you’re building arousal as your sexy scavenger hunt proceeds! The fourth clue directed us to engage in three minutes of foreplay, which was pretty easy since I was wearing lingerie and he had no pants on. Riddle number five led us upstairs where El Fury (eventually) found the book of sex games. We picked a game to play, made love, and then finished off the scavenger hunt with a special dessert.

El Fury was very excited to go on a sexy scavenger hunt, and felt loved that I had put thought into creating a sexy experience for us. He especially loves when I pre-meditate our intimate times together because he knows that I’m thinking about him in that way. Has anyone else tried a sexy scavenger hunt? Do you have have ideas to add?

Naked Yoga 6

I love it when I can combine an ordinary activity into something sexy! A few months ago I decided to give yoga a try. It’s difficult for me to go to a class, but I was able to find lots of videos online — 30 Days of Yoga with Adriene is my favorite series. One weekend afternoon I wanted to spend time with El Fury, but also wanted to do my yoga video. Hmm, what to do? Bam! Naked yoga.

We have tried two variations on naked yoga. The first time we both got naked and did yoga together in our room, then had sex after. However, doing yoga doesn’t seem to be El Fury’s thing. The second time we tried it, I got naked and did yoga while El Fury played a game on his tablet and casually watched me. We were both aroused and had sex after. There is something very alluring about having your spouse watch you do something so intimate and vulnerable.

I like naked yoga because it feels like a form of play with your spouse. It’s important in a marriage to be able to play with one another. Play is one of the most basic human interactions, and sex can be a form of play too.
What other everyday activities can you add a sexy flavor to? Leave a comment if you have any ideas!

Ice Cream vs. Sex 7

El Fury and I love ice cream. We try to be disciplined and restrain our urges to a few times a week, and we get very excited when it’s “ice cream night”. Sometimes if we haven’t had sex, I find myself looking forward to eating ice cream more than I look forward to having sex. But then I remind myself: after having sex I typically feel great. After eating ice cream? Maybe not so great. So make sure you have sex, and if there is time afterwards eat some ice cream together! (Or you can try combining ice cream and sex into a bifecta!)

When I Want an Orgasm 8

Desire for a woman ebbs and flows in tune with her cycle. It can be hard enough for a woman to know what sort of “mood” she is in, let alone for her husband to be able to determine if she wants an orgasm or not. Here are some ways that I figure it out:

  1. During ovulation I am ready to go. I know I want an orgasm and I can feel that desire all day long. There is usually not a lot of guess-work on these days. Husbands and wives, pay attention to her cycle so you can capitalize on these days. Plan ahead and reserve time to devote to having sex.
  2. It’s amazing that one week later PMS can hit. Again, not a lot of guess-work: I most definitely do not want an orgasm. Usually I want extra space and minimal touching.
  3. Then there are the times in between. When we start to have sex El Fury often asks me “what are you in the mood for?” and I’m not sure how to answer. Many nights I don’t know how my body is going to respond. We have learned to give it a little time to let my body tell me what I want. If I don’t feel aroused after a little foreplay, we have sex and I don’t have an orgasm. Other times, a few minutes of foreplay can get me turned on and I’ll have a great orgasm. It can take some cuddling, kissing, and touching to get in the mood. If you jump right into sex you may be missing some opportunities.

Pay attention to yourself. It’s helpful to know how often you need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. For me it’s two or three times a week. For El Fury, it’s more frequent. Don’t deny yourself orgasms just because you aren’t immediately aroused and haven’t taken the time to let yourself get in the mood. Our bodies are complicated!

Tonight, don’t be rushed, take some time and make out for a little while!

The Three Women of Proverbs, Part 3: The Wife of Noble Character 9

Finally, the Wife of Noble Character, the “Proverbs 31 Woman”, the final part of our series on the women of Proverbs!

This is the goal! Wouldn’t we all like our husbands to be “singing our praises at the city gates”? Here are some main points I pulled out of the passages about the Wife of Noble Character.

  1. Intoxicate him with your love. Being in a state of intoxication implies that you have been drinking. If you want to intoxicate your spouse, keep drinking love! Make sex a habit. Commit to being intentional. Sex should be maximally pleasurable for both people in the marriage. Find new things to try with each other. Make an effort!
  2. Be prudent. The definition of prudence is: having or showing careful good judgment. If you do a Bible search for prudence, no surprises, the book of Proverbs tops the charts. Here is a summary of a few verses: “doing what is right and just and fair” (1:3), holding your tongue (10:19), “fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult” (12:16), “keep their knowledge to themselves” (12:23), “act with knowledge” (13:16), “give thought to their steps” (14:15). I’m surprised what I learn about myself when I really pay attention to my actions. I want to be more prudent.
  3. Bring your husband good. This implies that you are not doing him harm. Make sure you are giving him your best. Sometimes I notice that I am willing to give my full effort to my kids, projects at work, ministries at church, etc. but at the end of the day I have nothing left to invest in El Fury. Know when you are spreading yourself too thin so that you can preserve enough of yourself at the end of the day to pour into your most important relationship.
  4. Be industrious. Reading Proverbs 31 is daunting. This woman is busy! I can’t tell you what exactly to do with your time, but I can recommend to be efficient in your time. Your time is a finite resource. It is valuable. Consider how you want to spend your time and formulate systems in your life that enable you to spend it well. Use a calendar. El Fury and I share a calendar through Google and it has been incredibly helpful, especially as our kids have gotten older and have things of their own going on. Plan your time. If you plan how you are going to spend your time you are more likely to do it. This has helped me to organize my time so that when El Fury and the kids are home I am able to be present in my time with them. Get up early. I need to tell myself this, especially during the winter months. However, the days that we are disciplined and get up early are often the best days!
  5. Refrain from idleness. This is different from being industrious, but the two go hand-in-hand. When I looked up idleness, it says: not having any real purpose or value, not having much activity. Ask yourself, what is your purpose? What are your goals? Idleness will prevent you from fulfilling your purpose and achieving your goals. When I think of idleness I think about Stephen Covey’s Importance-Urgency Matrix (see: How to Have Time and Energy for Great Sex).  In summary, your time is spent four ways. Urgent and Important (emergencies, etc.), Important but Not Urgent (this is where you want to spend your time – relationships, etc.), Urgent but Not Important (often this is what other people impose on your time), Not Urgent and Not Important (the time wasters, the phone scrolling). If you analyze your time and much of it is spent in the Not Urgent and Not Important category, consider that some of that time might be in idleness. I’m not saying that all of the time in that category is bad or idle, sometimes you need some mindless activities. However if other areas of your life are lacking you might need to reallocate your time.
  6. Fear the Lord. People often confuse the word “fear” with respect, but that sells it short. God is to be feared and respected. I touched on this already in the Adulterous Woman post. Don’t be flippant in your attitude towards God. He is a loving, good God, but He is also that same God in Hebrews that says “It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:31)

Proverbs 5:18‭-‬19: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Proverbs 12:4: “A wife of noble character is her husbandʼs crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”

Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”

Proverbs 19:14: “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.”

Proverbs 31:10‭-‬31: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

Other parts of this series:

The Three Women of Proverbs, Part 2: The Nagging and Quarrelsome Wife 10

Continuing this series on the women of Proverbs, we come to the nagging and quarrelsome wife. These verses are convicting. Nothing needs to be said on exactly what you are doing when you are nagging or quarreling. You know. When you are this type of wife, it is better for your husband to “live on the corner of the roof” or “in a desert”. If that doesn’t inspire self-loathing I don’t know what will! It is intolerable to be around someone that nags you and wants to pick a fight with you. According to Proverbs you would be better off living in extreme conditions than sharing a home with such a person. This makes me think twice before picking a fight with El Fury. James refers to the tongue as “a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8) We would be wise to bridle it and think twice before nagging.

Proverbs 14:1 is very interesting. It doesn’t speak directly about nagging and quarreling, but I included it with those verses because I thought it related well. “The wise woman builds her house.” Remember how it was during those first years of marriage? I was so attentive to our home and to El Fury’s needs. I built my house with care. I looked after others more than myself. The second part of this verse should serve as a warning. “But with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” What happens? This sounds like self-sabotage. Does this wife stop being intentional, stop tending to her marriage with care? Does her speech become characterized by nagging and quarreling?

Of course nobody wants to be the one that is tearing their home down. The problem is that your home might already be falling apart before you are willing to identify the problem. You might not even see that it is falling down until you are standing in the midst of rubble. Now, I’m not saying that it is solely the responsibility of the wife to keep her home intact. It takes two people working together to make a home thrive.

How do we identify if we are becoming nagging and quarrelsome? Watch yourself. Pay attention to what you are saying. It’s so hard to accept that you might be contributing to the problem. I can look back over the years of my marriage and see how in my pride I wanted to point the finger only at my husband. Somehow I forget that my marriage is not about keeping score and proving I’m right. The goal is peace. The goal is sharing your life in a way that builds your home in a beautifully integrated way that makes it hard to tear down.

Sex is a good reset button. Don’t withhold sex from your spouse as a means to get them to do whatever you are nagging them about. That’s manipulative and wrong. Similarly, if you are quarreling, try to follow up by being intimate. I’m not saying to forget about your problems and just have sex. Fix your problems together. Then re-engage physically. I know if El Fury and I have had an argument, I often feel like things are back to normal after we’ve had sex again.

When I find myself being nagging or quarrelsome, I try to picture El Fury standing on the corner of the roof. I don’t like it when he has to go up on our roof for anything, so this is an especially good exercise for me. The point is, I love him. Whatever it is that I’m nagging about or picking a fight with him for, if I can re-approach it from a solution minded viewpoint then the communication can become about the problem instead of the person. It takes effort! Your marriage is worth the effort.

Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

Proverbs 19:13: “A foolish child is a fatherʼs ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.”

Proverbs 21:9: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

Proverbs 21:19: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.”

Proverbs 25:24: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

Proverbs 27:15‭-‬16: “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.”

Other parts of this series: