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Sex Q&A: Lots of Questions from Newlyweds 1

Here are a selection of emails we’ve gotten recently from newlyweds.

Almost-Husband “AI” writes:

Hi Sexy Corte, I’ve been visiting this page for a while and have enjoyed what you and your husband have been doing. I really appreciate it. I’m a virgin and am about to get married. I’m excited and very nervous. Me and my fiance have been talking about our expectations and have been very clear with each other how excited we are to have sex. We are both very sexual, we make jokes and dirty references (we are remaining pure however) and I’m asking as a male for some advice for the first time. I’ve seen the post someone else made where they asked a similar question and I guess I’m looking for an updated if there is one necessary. I just don’t want to disappoint her and want to make sure our first time is as special as possible.

(Note: Here are the earlier posts: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex and Follow-Up: First-Time Wedding Night Sex.)

I love that you and your future wife are already communicating about sex, that is setting a tone for a great sex life and a great marriage! Your wedding night will be special because it will be your first time together. Don’t put too much pressure on it though. You will have years together to explore each other and learn how to please each other best. Sex in the beginning of marriage isn’t polished, and it’s good to be able to laugh and fumble your way through a little. And that’s beautiful. Keep the focus on each other, your intimacy and love for each other, and less on the performance. I pray that God would bless your marriage and bless your sex life. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “HZ” writes:

Hello, I’m a newly wed, married for almost 7 months. I have yet to orgasm and don’t know how to get there… My husband and I have tried a lot… stimulation with hands, mouth, vibrator, long foreplay etc… nothing has worked yet. Though we love our sex life, we’re both getting discouraged that it’s taking this long. My husband is very supportive and encouraging, but sometimes I think maybe I’ll never orgasm, that maybe there’s something wrong with me and my body isn’t able to? Is that a possibility? Do you have any tips or ideas I could try to get myself there?

Thanks for your email. It can take a while to figure these things out, so have patience and keep trying. Every woman is different, so you have to explore and find out what best pleases you. It’s unlikely that your body can’t orgasm at all.

How long have you tried foreplay for? When I was ‘new’ to having an orgasm, it could take me 45 minutes to an hour. There are times it can still take that long! Having an orgasm is like a muscle that you have to train. When you and your husband are intimate, have the mindset that you are going to work on finding what feels best for an extended period of time. Use lube and have him focus around your clitoris. If he finds a spot that feels good, have him focus there. Make sure you are focusing around the clit, taking enough time, and using lube as needed. Use his hand or a vibrator. Just relax and explore together.

If this persists, you can always talk to your doctor about it. Being married and having sex can take some time to get used to. There is a lot to figure out! You have your whole lifetime together to find out what you like. It can be really fun to discover new things together! I prayed for you that God will open this up for you. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “RO” writes:

Hi! My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now. I’m currently in counseling and diving into my childhood pains and beliefs. We were both virgins when we got married and since we’ve been married our experience with sex has been up and down.. at least for me and my emotions.

I grew up with movies, pornography and fantasies defining what sex was to me. This made me expect sex to be perfect and extremely pleasurable, but getting married was a wake up call! It takes so much vulnerability and work just to feel connected and successful in our sex life. Recently we went 6 months without sex… that’s so sad! I would help him out with hand jobs and he would occasionally help me out. I noticed that I fantasize about being pursued sexually, however when my husband actually does pursue me I find myself thinking “all he wants is sex” and “he doesn’t really care about you” and other similar thoughts. Then we end up not having sex.

I guess my question is, have you experienced this? How have you pushed through and continued to have sex everyday without feeling abandoned, like that’s all your hubby wants? I know I struggle with even allowing myself to feel turned on so I know I need to dig into this more with possible counseling.

Thanks for your email. I have come to understand that EF will never stop wanting sex. It isn’t all he wants, but it is a biological need that drives him to pursue sex more frequently than I do. Every person is different and has different drives. I know he doesn’t only want sex because we do have many other interests and activities together. Our relationship isn’t only about sex. Sex is a big part of our relationship, and often sets the tone for our interactions outside of having sex.

Your past can shape you but it doesn’t define you. The Bible tells us to set aside the things that entangle us and to move forward. Focus on creating sexual memories with your husband and explore what you like together so that your mind can dwell on what you and your husband have done together instead of how sex was previously defined for you. It’s great that you are talking through these things with your counselor. That can be extremely helpful to sort out your thoughts.

Praying that God would heal you and bless your marriage and bless your sex life!

We get a lot of emails, but we try to read and respond to them all. Please leave us a comment with your advice to these newlyweds!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Sex Q&A: Bisexual Attraction 2

Reader and commenter Joe Caveman (who asked to use his commenting name rather than being anonymous) has some questions about bisexual attraction and when/if to discuss it with a woman he’s dating.

Hello! I’ve been following your site for a few years, and I appreciate your open-minded, yet principled exploration of sexual topics. This question is for both of you, but SC’s perspective might be especially helpful. Feel free to include this or a pared-down version of it in a Q&A post.

When and how should I come out to a significant other about being bisexual? For example: casually, after a couple of dates? Deliberately, soon before engagement? Whenever a fitting occasion arises, even if it’s not until five years into our marriage?

Perhaps a little more information would be helpful. I’m not out of the closet to anyone close enough to me to know my real name. Also, I’m not “struggling” with homosexuality, in the sense that I’m pretty sure I could feel sexually satisfied by heterosexual, monogamous marriage. I’m not tempted by extramarital homosexual desires any more than I’m tempted by extramarital heterosexual desires.

For that reason, I don’t think my bisexuality should actually matter very much to a prospective spouse. On the other hand, one of the women who I’ve dated spontaneously suggested that she wouldn’t date a bisexual person, and one of my sisters recently said something similar.

Is there a right time to come out to your significant other? Is there a right way? If your significant other is bisexual, would it be important for you to know that? If so, then why?

I’d appreciate your insight into any of these questions.

El Fury writes: We’ve received variations on this question before, and it’s great that Joe is willing to kick off this discussion publicly. The Bible clearly forbids homosexual sexual activity, so we’re going to focus on Joe’s question about same-sex attraction.

The Bible doesn’t really say much about attraction itself, which is mostly involuntary. We have very little control over what we’re attracted to, but we are responsible for how we act on our attractions. In the 10th Commandment God commands us not to “covet”, which has a sense beyond mere attraction or desire — to covet is to want something so much that you make plans and take action to possess it.

So, it seems to us that same-sex attraction is not a sin. See also: What Is Lust?

Sexy Corte writes: We think that the most important thing is that you are attracted and faithful to your wife. That doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find someone else attractive. That would be impossible! But, in your thoughts and your actions, you stay faithful to your wife.

This does seem like something that would be good to talk about before marriage. I wish I could tell you the right time to have that conversation. We encourage all of our readers to develop an open dialogue with their spouses about their sex life together. If you are comfortable talking about your sex life, you will have a better sex life. Open communication solves a lot of problems in relationships and if you develop that practice then I think you will be able to discuss your attraction to both men and women.

To which Joe replied:

Yesterday, I broached the topic with my girlfriend of two months. It was during an especially personal conversation in which we explicitly decided to discuss things that we needed to know about the other person and things we needed to share about ourselves.

I gave her most of the details that I gave you, and she took it very well. She said that it doesn’t change anything, and she thanked me for trusting her enough to share it with her.

I appreciate your encouragement. Your measured reaction helped give me the confidence to have the conversation.

My girlfriend did express one concern about my bisexuality. I’ve wavered on the sinfulness of homosexuality in the past, and she wanted to know what would happen if, at some point in the future, I decided that it wasn’t sinful. I explained to her that I still wouldn’t date men, because:

  1. If I became romantically involved with a man and then changed my mind again, then extricating myself from that relationship would be emotionally damaging to myself and him.
  2. Most of my family strongly disapproves of same-sex relationships, so dating a man would needlessly sow discord among my family.
  3. Eliminating men from my dating pool only marginally affects its size. There are a lot more opposite-sex-attracted women than same-sex-attracted men.

My girlfriend was satisfied by my reasoning, and there hasn’t been any tension regarding the subject since then. In fact, as I alluded to in my last email, the experience as a whole probably improved our relationship, due to the trust and communication that it established.

We love seeing God work, and we pray for wisdom as we search for God’s will in our lives and marriages.

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Sex Q&A: Lack of Experience, "Figure It Out" 3

Wife “CO” writes that her husband is frustrated by her lack of sexual experience:

I hope all is well with you. I am recently married to my husband, and we’re both in our mid-twenties. He is frustrated with my lack of sexual experience. When it comes to the sexual department, it seems like we are unequally yoked, and I blame my lack of experience.

During intimacy I ask him to teach me what he likes. He does, but he suggests I need to figure it out through non-verbal cues (e.g., a harder penis).

I have read educational/research blogs to learn more. However, my husband tells me I am not learning in a timely manner, and after 5 months of marriage it should not take more than 10 minutes with a hand job to satisfy him.

I am hurt by his words, because I am trying out the techniques I’ve learned from my research. This indicates I’m just not good at it or not good enough for him sexually.

Currently, I am 3 months pregnant, so it is not as if we have never enjoyed an intimate moment together.

I need help. I do not want to be (indirectly) called incompetent anymore, or that I am not caring about his sexual needs enough.

Part of the fun of sex in marriage is the process of exploration and discovery. You will have years to figure out what each other likes! Never apologize for your lack of sexual experience — we hear from many readers who feel weighed down by guilt over past sexual relationships. Every human is different and likes different things, and you will learn a lot with time and practice.

When we were first married, I felt like El Fury should just know what I liked. For whatever reason, it seems less romantic to have to communicate directly. Over time we learned that there’s no substitute for being direct and explicit and simply telling your spouse what you like. You can encourage your husband to be more direct, tell him that you want to learn, and remind him that you have different parts than him. The better you can communicate about sex, the better your sex will be.

El Fury and I often joke that it’s impossible for me to ever be better than he is with hand jobs! But, I can do things with my mouth that make his hand pale in comparison.

El Fury adds: I can’t speak for other husbands, but what’s hotter than a wife who’s eager to learn how to please you better? On the job training. Practice makes perfect!

How do you communicate your needs and desires with your spouse? Do you ever feel frustrated that your spouse doesn’t just know how to please you? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Sex Q&A: Husband Only Wants Anal 4

Here are a couple of emails from wives whose husbands “only want anal”.

Wife “ZE” write:

My husband and I have had a difficult marriage of nearly 12 years, but sex has been something we can always come back to, leaning on the openness and intimacy it fosters. A couple years ago we tried anal, and although very uncomfortable and usually painful for me, we kept trying every couple months to try to get it to be enjoyable for me. I enjoyed it once or twice (with alcohol involved) but now that we do not drink alcohol it’s uncomfortable and painful to me, even with a lot of prep and lube.

I got so frustrated with the pressure to have anal sex that I made him promise not to even ask for it because I just don’t like it. Of course now that it’s taboo he wants it even more. His promise only lasted a few months. Sometimes he goes for days unable to orgasm any other way because he keeps thinking about anal. He is unable to orgasm on his own since we’ve been married, and if he has a biological need (very painful, swollen testicles) I need to be involved in some way. He does not like porn because it feels like cheating to him (which is just fine with me!). Recently, we tried again, and I didn’t even say i didn’t want to because I know he will keep asking and be likely unable to orgasm without it, but it hurts and i don’t like it and I just want to never feel pressured to do it again. Our formerly awesome glue of a sex life is coming undone. What can we do?

This seems like a difficult situation. I think frank, direct communication is best. Anal hurts you, and you need to explore other ways. It seems likely that with communication and experimentation that the two of you will be able to find other sexual activities that he enjoys. It seems unlikely that he will not be able to find another sexual activity that can bring him to orgasm. Are there other seemingly “taboo” things that the two of you can explore together?

If he is unable to move past this, it sounds like there could be a mental block; you should encourage him to speak to a therapist that can advise him on overcoming this situation. Sex is as much mental as it is physical.

Encourage your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him — you aren’t rejecting him, it’s just not physically safe for you to engage in this activity anymore.

El Fury adds: My opinion is that it’s not beneficial to pressure your spouse, whether that’s pressure to have anal sex or pressure to “promise you’ll never do that again”. I suggest taking life one day at a time. Use wisdom and prudence to let a “no” stand for a while before asking again.

Wife “DN” writes:

I found this site because I was looking up Christian sex counseling. To say this was a God-thing is an understatement!

A little background: My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have five children. [snip a lot of details about family history and chaos]

All that to say, I’m lost in despair. We’ve discussed the same things more or less for 22 years. It started with expectant touching. I didn’t get touched unless it was to communicate desire. My touches were read as desire nearly 100% of the time. So less than 6 months into our marriage, I was not showing much affection and was annoyed with his. You can imagine how that has progressed over two decades and five kids.

We still have sex. Often. 2-3 times a week on average. Because I love him and still want to commune with him and vice versa. But often that’s not enough for him, and penis-in-vagina sex is no longer enough. He wants anal when I’m still super uncomfortable with just talking dirty. And he wants to finish in my mouth when he knows my texture issues. It is becoming a problem to the point that he has to fantasize about either one to finish… and that’s not even enough anymore. At this point I’m afraid to even try either act, because I’m afraid he might like it too much and then want to do it every time. I almost never used to give him oral due to a large amount of discomfort for me, but have figured out ways around it. He is very appreciative… and wants it EVERY time. It is still not my favorite thing to do. Plain, vanilla sex is often all I feel up for. But if it’s not more than that, he has an especially hard time popping off. I’m not trying to be a gatekeeper. But that’s exactly what I’ve become.

Communication is so important, especially about sex. Have some conversations — what is your husband’s ideal sex life? What is yours? How often would it be ideal to have sex? You can compromise to make sure you are both satisfied. It’s ok to communicate to set expectations. If you are trying something new that you are uncomfortable with, let him know that you are willing to do this once in a while but you don’t want to do it all of the time. Then establish how often you would be comfortable. You can even communicate about physical touch. Tell him that sometimes you just want a hug, or to touch him, without it being interpreted sexually. Non-sexual physical touch is really important for intimacy.

Like the husband of “ZE” above, it sounds like your husband has a bit of a mental block that he needs to work around. Practicing regular penis-in-vagina sex will hopefully build back up his ability to finish. Spend some time yourself looking for new “taboo” activities that you might enjoy and suggest them to your husband! There are so many things to do that you can mutually enjoy, and your husband just might be surprised at what you’re willing to try. Discuss things that excite you both instead of getting fixated on things that are uncomfortable for you.

El Fury adds: Lots of husbands want to have anal sex, and lots of wives are hesitant or uncomfortable. Here’s an an earlier post about anal sex that goes into more detail: Sex Q&A: “What is your view on anal sex?”. From the emails we receive, many wives are afraid that if they have anal sex once then that’s all their husbands will ever want — and the emails we respond to in this post show that some husbands actually do feel that way! However, if you want to enjoy sexual exploration in your marriage then both spouses need to be both open and practical. There has to be room to try new things, and also a recognition that some activities are only for once-in-a-while.
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Sex Q&A: Wife Touching Herself Has Opened New Doors for Pleasure 5

Husband “TN” writes:

I was recently introduced to your podcast and love what you and your husband are doing. It’s needed in the Christian space and I believe it will really help married couples unlock new desires and pleasures.

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have been pretty good about staying intimate. But over the years and having kids I’ve noticed it gets harder. Our kids want to sleep with us at times and it distracts us from having that alone time.

My wife and I recently had a breakthrough while revisiting our love languages. We did them years back, and we were surprised to see that they had changed a little. Both of us now feel increased desire for physical touch.

We have also been exploring new things in bed. My wife has been experimenting with touching herself, and this as opened new doors of pleasure for us.

We want to keep unlocking new experiences in this area but we’re not sure what to try as far as lubes, vibrator, etc. Anyway I feel weird reaching out, but I want to take our sex to a new level and give my wife orgasms in the way that’s best pleasing to her, so I’m doing my homework.

That’s wonderful you are exploring new things together!

First, let’s talk about lube. Lube has been a wonderful thing in our sex life! If we’re doing oral, we usually do that before using lube so that we don’t have to taste it (you can buy flavored lube, but we don’t). Your saliva should be enough lubricant that you don’t need additional lube. We use lube when El Fury plays with my lady bits with his hand. Sometimes we need a little more before penetration, and sometimes not. If you’re playing with your wife with your hand you can usually tell if more is needed, but don’t be afraid to ask her how she’s feeling.

We typically buy simple generic water-based jelly lube from and it gets the job done for less than $5 per bottle. Water-based lube is cheap and easy to clean up. We even keep some in our vehicles… just in case.

Second: vibrators. Vibrators can vary a lot, and we own a bunch of them. Our go-to favorite is the egg vibrator, but you’ll have to experiment to find out what your wife likes best. Every woman is different, so play around and explore. If your wife as never used one before, start low and slow — and use plenty of lube. Enjoy the exploration together, and discover how the vibrator can be used to increase your intimacy.

El Fury adds: In addition to lube and vibrators, there are probably many ways that you can incorporate your wife touching herself into your sex life. Have her put on a show for you while you touch yourself. As she gets proficient, you can go hands-free in any position.

Leave a comment and tell us how you discovered the wonders of lube and vibrators in your sex life!

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Sex Q&A: Physical Touch, Sex Toys, Chapped Lips 6

It’s time for the mail bag!

Husband “RE” writes:

In a nutshell, my marriage to my wife for now 11 years has never been equal sexually. I have my faults and selfishness but thank The Lord he has healed me and corrected me in so many things over the years. We have 5 kids together and our youngest is 2 now. I would like more physical touch while she is completely fine not touching me for days and weeks. I don’t want to struggle anymore and have prayed countless time why are we so very different in this way. Even when I do everything right, go on dates etc., our sex life is probably 3 times a month. Our time on earth is so short and I wish this wasn’t a struggle for me or a big deal.

My first thought reading your email is that I remember when our kids were 2. I stayed home with them, and by the end of the day I often felt over-touched. When they were so little there was such a physical demand on my body that I felt like it was public property in a way. El Fury would come home from work and I wasn’t ready to give him physical affection. In a similar way, he spends most of his work day talking and often isn’t ready to engage mentally right when he gets done working. It helped both of us a lot to disengage and have some alone time. This refreshed us and then we were ready to be together. For me, even just showering by myself and taking my time alone was enough to make me ready for even a hug from El Fury. He needed to zone out or work out, and then he was ready to talk.

It also important to guard our time together in the evening. Kids can easily take over! After 7pm is grown-up time, and we’ve tried to protect that even as our kids have gotten older. We have to pause to put them to bed, but there is an expectation that we spend evenings together.

I would recommend communicating with your wife in a positive goal-oriented manner. Don’t focus on what she is or isn’t doing. Instead, communicate together — what would you like your sex life to look like and how can you work together towards that goal? What do you need from each other? Try to make it a positive, productive dialogue.

El Fury adds: The phrase “even when I do everything right” makes me think that you have a covert contract with your wife that she doesn’t know about and never agreed to. If you want to get laid in exchange for doing things your wife enjoys, you should talk about that explicitly. (Exactly what this arrangement might look like depends on your marriage; I don’t recommend that it be purely transactional, because that’s not generally healthy for loving relationships.)

Wife “HH” writes:

I’m 18 and I’m newly married. (Yes I know that’s crazy young lol). My husband and I have different beliefs about what sex can be. He’s Catholic and I’m Baptist. I believe sex toys, masturbating together, and anal performed on both me and him are okay! My husband is strongly against all of those things. I struggle to ever get aroused sadly no matter how horny I am, “in the mood” or how long we do anything… it has taken a toll on my mental health and is something that has effected our marriage. He knows how badly I want to add vibrators or any toy into our sex life to help aroused me but he’s told me he would never be open to it. Before I met my husband I had a vibrator and I was able to climax every time I used it. I’m very heartbroken thinking that I will not be able to. I’m on medication to help my blood flow to get me aroused, I’ve had medicated lube for blow flow and we have tried orgasmic meditation every time we have sex. We pray together but I think we need more advice on what to do. I also have to beg sometimes for sex with us very discouraging.

There are things that El Fury and I have done that I thought I would never be open to, so be encouraged that sometimes people just need to get used to an idea. It’s great that you pray together.

The Bible talks a lot about sex, but doesn’t specify exactly what is and isn’t allowed. El Fury and I believe that God is very clear in the Bible when there is something that He doesn’t want you to do. For sex, as long as it’s between two consenting people inside the marriage, then we believe it’s good and acceptable. If something brings intimacy to the marriage, then we believe that is honoring to God.

For myself, I can’t orgasm during sex unless we use a vibrator. The use of that tool has greatly enhanced the intimacy of our marriage. It’s not about the tool, it’s about what the tool enables me to do. I think sometimes men can feel insecure if they aren’t able to bring their wives to orgasm. However, the majority of women (2/3) cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Try talking to your husband about his opposition, and make sure he knows that your primary goal is to increase your intimacy together. In your conversations with him, if you emphasize that you want your sex life with him to be amazing. That may alleviate any insecurity he is feeling.

Finally, start slow. You have the rest of your lives together to explore each other. You don’t have to do everything all at once! Start with what will lead to both of you having greater satisfaction in your sex life, and maybe leave some of the other things like anal to explore down the road.

Husband “EE” writes:

My wife and I are newlyweds and were both virgins when we got married. On our honeymoon, as part of exploration/foreplay, I went down on her. She had reservations at first, but ended up loving it. Fast -forward a few months, and she doesn’t want me to go down on her anymore. She says “it still feels good, but it makes me feel chapped after a while.” She agreed to try it again recently for a short while as foreplay, but within 10 seconds she felt chapped again.

My question is, have you heard of this before? Since we’re both virgins we don’t have any experience except with each other. I absolutely love giving her head, and would do it every day even if we didn’t have time for me to have an orgasm after. She clearly enjoys the sensations, but having her lips feeling chapped afterwards is of course a big downer.

I haven’t heard this before, but it isn’t surprising considering how chapped the lips on your mouth can get. When El Fury and I were newlyweds it did take my body a while to adjust to having sex, including oral sex. Hopefully this is something that will work itself out over time.

There are a few things you can try to keep her moisturized. An edible lube might be a good place to start when you’re performing oral on her. You may also try shaving very smoothly before you go down on her, to make sure your facial hair isn’t abrading her skin. If the problem persists I would recommend talking to your doctor.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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Sex Q&A: Oral Lube, Outside Sex, and Staying Hard 7

Here’s another batch of emails we’ve received from our readers recently. If you’ve got a question for us, use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send them over!

Wife “IE” writes:

We’ve been having oral sex for the past few years, but it wasn’t until a recent conversation that I realized just how much my husband loves it! All that to say, we’ve been doing a lot more oral lately!

When doing oral on your husband do you use any other lubricant besides your saliva? Sometimes I find it hard to summon up enough saliva to get the right amount of friction. I know they have different products out there, but I’m curious what other people actually do.

Glad you are having fun with oral! I haven’t tried any other products except my own saliva. Once in a while if I have had a cold, I might have a cough drop tucked into the side of my cheek, and that produces extra saliva. You could also try having a glass of water near by to keep your mouth wet. If you find any products out there that you like, let us know! (See also: Numbing Sprays and Lube: Are They Safe?)

To which “IE” replied:

I recently tried using coconut oil which paired nicely with a massage. Contemplating taking the dive and trying a flavored lube…

Husband “NS” writes:

My wife enjoys sex with the hotel window blinds open, at times with a couch or so in front of window, normally in a city and on floor that’s pretty high up. Same with in a vehicle, with light risk of being seen. At what point do you think this is too risky? When should I attempt to reign her back?

We get a lot of emails from husbands that would love to be in your position! Those instances sound a little risky, but I don’t think they are dangerous. It sounds like you are being pushed out of your comfort zone though, which is not always a bad thing. I think there is a line that you don’t want to cross, and if you are imposing yourself on others I think you have hit that line. If nobody is actually seeing you and there is a little risk of being caught, that can be very exciting. (See also: the “public places” tag.)

Wife “RE” writes:

My husband and I have not had sex in over two or three months. There have been times when I have been available for him to jump in and have sex but he makes excuses and it ruins the mood for me.

For example, one day I was in the shower and sent a steamy naked picture to him saying to join me. I had my leg hiked up on the tub ledge and the shower curtain open to expose my naked body with the water running over me. When he finally came in he made a joke about the show I was watching (Outlander… which has a lot of sex in it). I roll my eyes and he just stands there. I say, well I don’t have my leg up here for the fun of it. He replies, oh, well my hands aren’t clean. I am glad he is worried about his hands but I asked him to join me in the shower where he could easily wash his hands or even wash his hands at the sink he was standing at. The excuse just kills my libido.

I asked about his excuses one night and he says he does want to have sex with me. Even since then we still have not had sex. Months before this I was trying to work out a sex schedule but he never helped with the building of it. Especially on the day of, it was like the last thing on his mind. I know he has stress at work sometimes, but nothing he has to bring home. I don’t think it’s his job distracting him, but I don’t know what else it could be. What advice can you give?

It sounds like you have asked him if he wants to have sex with you, but have you tried having a direct conversation? You could prep him in advance so he has time to think things over. “I really want our sex life to be great, and I would like to talk to you about the current status and how to improve it. Can we have a conversation tonight?” Set a specific time with a specific goal. Ask him about his sexual satisfaction, and what his ideal sex life would look like. Share with him what your needs are and what you want your sex life to look like. Direct communication is the most helpful in identifying problems and setting a course towards improving those problems. It sounds like you are trying, and I’m sure it is discouraging. I hope this helps. I prayed for you now! (See also: How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

Wife “DE” writes:

My husband has a hard time staying erect unless he is the one doing the work… so if I get on top he often goes soft pretty quickly. It was fine for a while but I’m getting tired of the same missionary / doggy style all the time, and after having children I find it’s harder for me to climax. I used to not require much, but I’m really needing more clit stimulation, or at least for him to last longer. I’ve sent him some articles from this site, which worked only for the sex we had that night (I suggested him giving me oral). I have also introduced the idea of a cock ring but he is too nervous to try (I actually bought one, which he still hasn’t tried, and mentioned getting stretchy ones but he is still resistant.) I can’t sit up straight when I get on top of him because he says it hurts his penis to bend backward more than 90 degrees. He also has to stimulate himself to get erect.

I guess my question is, is this normal (he seems to think so)? What else can I do to help keep him hard when I’m on top? Is it possible he has ED? (I haven’t said this to him as I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I’ve thought it multiple times.) My confidence had taken a huge hit since I actually love to be on top but he doesn’t seem to enjoy it (obviously since he starts going soft). I do feel like I’m the only one who is dissatisfied with our current situation, but he’s gotten so used to the short 10 minute (or less) sex sessions without having to stimulate my clit so I feel kind of bad asking for more. I do have a vibrator but I don’t know how to introduce it into the bedroom. Any thoughts or advice you have would be appreciated.

I think communication could help you both a lot. Sex can be hard to talk about but it’s important, and it’s ok to be direct in a loving way.

As for him not being able to keep an erection when you are on top, this does seem worth talking to his doctor about. I know that will be a hard topic to bring up, but if it helps him then it will be worth it even if he gets upset at first. For him having to stimulate himself to get erect, try asking him how you can be a part of that. Say something like, “If you tell me what would make you hard, I’ll try doing it.” The more that sex is focused on your spouse the more you learn about each other, which makes sex even better.

For your orgasm, communicate with him so that he is part of finding the solution. You could tell him that it is harder for you to climax after having kids, but would really like to have more orgasms on a consistent basis, and ask if he has any ideas to make that happen. Just like you are willing to do what it takes to get him hard, he will (should) be willing to do what it takes to give you the orgasms you want. You say that he seems satisfied with the current situation, so it may not be clear or obvious to him that you are not satisfied.

Husband “NE” writes:

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we got married as virgins. I love my wife’s body and love sex a lot (always on my mind), but she doesn’t. She hates sex. She initially liked oral but later hated it also. We don’t even kiss. Currently we haven’t had sex in 4 months. She explains that she doesn’t know why she isn’t attracted to sex.

The few times we had sex it was mind blowing and she was actually very wet, but now she says penis-in-vagina sex is very uncomfortable for her.

I have two major questions.

1. How can I make her long for sex with me?

2. I can no longer attain a full erection. My penis doesn’t stand 100% erect, only about 70%. I am worried that if I ever initiate sex it might not be rigid enough for penetration.

My first thought is: has your wife ever had an orgasm? This question is not a reflection on your skill or her body. It’s very common for women to be unable have an orgasm during sex. Only around 30% of women can orgasm from penetration during sex, which means that most women can’t! I would start there. If your wife has had an orgasm, focus on helping her to have more. If she hasn’t, focus on helping her have her first one.

Sex can be uncomfortable for women if they are not aroused. You could start with just using your mouth or hands (and plenty of lube), and play around her clit area for as long as it takes. It can take as long as 45 minutes of stimulation for a woman to orgasm. You can introduce a vibrator to this area as well. Don’t put pressure on having sex, just focus on her arousal and orgasm. Getting into a habit of having regular orgasms increases your desire for sex. If she is in pain even when aroused, it may be something that she needs to talk to her doctor about.

Make sure you communicate. These conversations can be uncomfortable but the more you talk about your sex life the easier it gets. Tell your wife that you want more intimacy, you want to have an amazing sex life, and want to figure out how it can be awesome for her too. Ask if you can spend some time focusing on just her. Ask her if she is open to improving your sex life Pray together about your sex life.

As a final note: we always pray for everyone who contacts us. God wants you and your spouse to have an awesome sex life!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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The Art of Snuggling 8

Buddy the Elf said “First we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookie Dough as fast as we can and then we’ll snuggle“. There are few pleasures in life that are greater than snuggling. However, in our busy lives, how often do we take time to snuggle? Buddy was onto something with scheduling time to snuggle. Put snuggling on your calendar — or set an alarm to snuggle.

Snuggling has a lot of health benefits. When you snuggle, you release oxytocin, which does all sorts of wonderful things. Oxytocin can make you feel all lovey, can boost your immune system, relieve pain, lower stress, and help you sleep better. It’s the chemical that is released in nursing mothers that deepens the bond between the mother and child. Human touch can also release dopamine, which can increase intimacy and enhance your lovemaking experience.

There are a variety of ways to snuggle:

  • Spooning: El Fury and I have a ‘Snuggle Alarm’ that goes off 10 minutes before we actually want to get up. Actually, it goes off 10 minutes before we have sex… and then we get up. I love that 10 minutes in the morning. I roll to my side and El Fury nestles up behind me for spooning. We lay there in a sleepy state, sometimes talking about how we slept, sometimes lucid dreaming. If I’m going to have sexy dreams, those usually take place during this 10 minutes of snuggling. We also spoon for a few minutes before we fall asleep.
  • Snuggle Classic: There are times that my body craves sidling up to El Fury, laying my head on his chest and draping a leg casually over one of his. This is a great position right before bed, especially if El Fury is still reading and I’m drifting off to sleep.
  • Sexy Snuggling: My favorite foreplay position! I can stay in this position forever, it is so delightful. El Fury and I face each other, I prop my leg up on top of his and nuzzle my face into his neck. He plays with my lady bits while I lay there and bask in comfort, and eventually I start to play with him. Time disappears. At some point I’m motivated by the thought of the kids waking up and we switch to a more aggressive foreplay position.
  • Sit next to each other: This seems simple, but even sitting close to each other while watching a show or parallel playing can still give you the benefits of snuggling.
  • Spontaneous Snuggle: Sometimes a quick hug or snuggle does the trick! Be mindful to make intentional touch-points throughout your day. If El Fury is sitting at his computer and I come in to ask him a question, he opens up his arms and I hop on his lap for a minute.

Do you and your spouse snuggle? What are your favorite ways to snuggle? I hope you enjoy each other in this way. Marriage is a blessing, and the presence of someone you love is one of God’s greatest gifts. Don’t let the time slip by without enjoying the simple pleasure of snuggling.

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Long-Distance and Masturbation 9

Is it acceptable for married couples to masturbate? What if they’re separated by distance due to work or family obligations? We get variations on this question pretty frequently, like the two below.

Wife “NS” asks:

Hello! And thank you for having a discreet place where we can come ask questions and not be judged, but receive honest, faith-based answers to help us have a sex life that’s pleasing in God’s eyes.

I grew up in a Christian home (I’m a Pastor’s Kid), but we did not talk about sex (other than, don’t do it outside of marriage). So it’s not like I can talk to my parents about questions I have.

My hubs and I have been very happily married for 15yrs now. What are your thoughts on masturbation and sex toys? I can’t find anything in God’s Word that specifically speaks to this. We often travel and are apart for a week or more. We assume sexting is permissible since it’s strictly between us. But at times we have dreams and awake pleasuring ourselves when we’re apart.

And Wife “EB” asks:

Hi y’all, I’m curious as to your thoughts on solo masturbation due to distance. My husband is currently deployed and while sexting and phone sex are great, the opportunities are rare.

We’ve both done it but sometimes I feel guilty afterward, even though I only picture him.

We’ve written about masturbating together a couple of times, so I’m going to focus this post on the topic of solo masturbation.

I don’t see anything wrong with masturbation or sex toys in-and-of-themselves. The Bible doesn’t mention either one. I think if the focus of your sexual pleasure is on your spouse, then go for it! I do use sex toys — in fact a vibrator is the best way for me to orgasm through intercourse, which has brought incredible intimacy to our marriage.

I don’t personally masturbate, but we receive emails from women who do (particularly military wives). I can imagine that being separated from your spouse for long periods of time would be difficult. The Bible gives us spiritual freedom in gray areas like this (see 1 Corinthians 8) where we should be guided by the Holy Spirit and our own conscience. I don’t see anything wrong with masturbation as long as your spouse is your source of intimacy. I tell these wives that if it strengthens their marriage and doesn’t violate their conscience then I think it’s acceptable.

Please refer to the post Can we *blank*? for some deeper thinking on these questions. Obey the Bible, pray, talk with your spouse, and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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Sex Q&A: Wife on Doggy Style: "I felt too exposed and vulnerable" 10

The doggy style position occupies a prominent place in our mental landscape and carries a lot of different connotations, both positive and negative. Wife “LT” wrote to us about her mental, emotional, and physical struggle with the position and agreed to let us share her emails in the hope that this discussion will be helpful and that other women would offer their perspective on doggy style as well.

Wife LT began:

Hey, I’m struggling with something and I hope you can offer me some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. Two weeks ago we finally tried having sex in the doggy style position. I had an open mind, but I absolutely hated it.

Firstly, I hated the lack of eye-contact. Not being able to see or kiss my husband made me feel very insecure. I tried looking back at him as much as I could, but it was physically awkward turning my head. I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me. I really missed the intimacy and closeness of the missionary position. I just did not feel loved. As we were doing it, all I could think about was how much I wanted for my husband to just tell me that he loves me and for him to kiss me. At some point I even reached out and held my husband’s hand as I was craving some sort of a connection. I held his hand the entire time until he had orgasmed. Being able to hold his hand during it made it slightly more bearable.

When my husband finished, I went straight to the bathroom and cried. Now I regret ever doing it, and I never want to feel like that again. I guess my question is whether what I am feeling makes sense, and how do I tell my husband about this as he seemed to have enjoyed it. Thank you so much.

I wrote back:

I understand your struggle with this position. It’s a position that in certain contexts can indicate a level of inferiority. You feel like it lacks intimacy and puts you in a role that you feel like you aren’t being respected by your husband. I hope my thoughts can help you see doggy style in a different way and encourage you to communicate your thoughts to your husband.

First, I would focus on the truth that you know about your husband rather than project speculative thoughts onto him. In general, do you feel like you have a close, intimate relationship with your husband? Do you feel like your husband holds you in high regard and respects you? If both of those are true, then you have no reason to fear that doing this position will make your husband think less of you or your relationship. For El Fury, the angle of this position allows him to connect with me in a different way because he can push deeper inside of me. It’s different from other positions. Because of that, it feels incredible to him. For me, if I am highly aroused, it feels great to me as well for that same reason, he touches a part of me that he otherwise wouldn’t reach. With that said, we usually only do doggy style after I orgasm. If we start with it, I’m usually not aroused enough and it can be painful.  I tell you that because I’m thinking it will help you to understand why your husband might like that position.

For the vulnerability aspect, submission doesn’t have to mean it’s demeaning. Vulnerability is an indication of trust, which can be incredibly intimate. When El Fury and I try new things, I know that I can trust him not to go too far, or lose control, or do anything that would hurt me. Knowing that is very meaningful to me. I think from his end, knowing that I trust him with those things is meaningful to him as well!

I think it would be great for you to talk to your husband. Ask him questions, find out what he liked about it. Tell him your concerns and make a plan together on if you will incorporate this position into your sex lives in the future. In my own marriage, this position is like an accent position, and done with the right intent can feel pretty great. I hope this helps! I prayed for you that you would be able to have a good conversation with your husband about this.

LT replied:

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. I think I see what you mean by how the shared vulnerability can be meaningful. You are also 100% correct that I do need to talk to my husband about it. I guess at this point I am still struggling to process my own thoughts and feelings. As I’ve said in my initial letter, it just felt awful to me. I felt violated. My husband and I are indeed in a good loving relationship, so I am not sure why my emotions were so strong. In fact, it felt a little better when I could hold my husband’s hand during it. I was craving more of my husband (not less).  I would be happy for you to share my post on your blog if it means that perhaps I could get some more feedback from other readers.

I may need some time to make sense of this.

It can take time and prayer to process complex thoughts and emotions, so give yourself that space. Hopefully your husband will be gracious and eager to learn more about you!

El Fury adds:

LT: Good for you and your husband for experimenting! It sounds like you have a solid sex life together, which is something to be thankful for. I’ll jump on the end of this post to offer a husband’s perspective. Every man is different, so take my views with a grain of salt and be sure to talk to your own husband to get his perspective.

First, yes, doggy style feels physically great! The position lends itself to deeper penetration and greater tightness than positions where the wife’s legs are spread open. Doggy style also gives the husband a wide range of motion, a beautiful view, and lots of fun things to do with his hands. These are all pretty obvious reasons why a husband is likely to enjoy doggy style.

Second, it’s worth exploring the emotional and relational elements of doggy style. I want to highlight a portion of what LT wrote:

I also felt that the position was too submissive. I felt too exposed and vulnerable. I had no control. My husband and I have a very equal relationship, and being so submissive felt wrong to me.

For a husband it is extremely arousing to receive willing sexual vulnerability and submission from his wife. Men love feeling dominant and powerful, and it’s emotionally arousing when your wife trusts you enough to submit to you sexually. The wife being “exposed and vulnerable” is one of the best parts of doggy style; if you can embrace this emotional facet of your sex life it can lead to incredible intimacy. Many a husband fantasizes of commanding his wife to “bend over” or “get down on your knees” and receiving eager, enthusiastic submission.

LT: Bluntly, your husband may have liked doggy style for the exact same reason that it made you uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love and respect you — I’m sure he does. But he also wants to go beast mode and *blank* you like an animal sometimes. Both things can be true at once.

After an emotionally intense sexual encounter it’s important to kiss and cuddle and reinforce the gentler elements of the relationship, and I think this was missing from your foray into doggy style. Before you try it again, make sure you tell your husband how intense it will be for you and help him understand the support you’ll want from him before, during, and after. This conversation might make your husband reluctant to try doggy style again for fear of making you uncomfortable, so you might need to verbally or physically reassure him that you’re serious about it, that you trust him and want to be vulnerable. Create an opportunity for your husband to be dominant and give him permission to take it.

If you want to read more about why sexual submission and vulnerability from the wife is arousing to her husband, check out these posts:

Readers, especially wives, what do you think about doggy style? Is it emotionally intense for you? Does vulnerability help create intimacy? Leave a comment and let us know.

Update: Make sure to check out the conclusion to this story in the post, Perfect Example of Trying Again.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information.

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