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We’ve got quite a mailbag for your today!

Wife “MA” writes:

My husband likes to call me names and imagine that I am a prostitute during sex. I have a difficult time playing along and not taking it personally. Is this ok in God’s eyes? Should I just toughen up and let him have his fantasy?

The Bible doesn’t get into specifics about what exactly is ok in the bedroom. El Fury and I believe that as long as it is between the husband and the wife, and acceptable to both, it’s not a sin. If your conscience is telling you that you are sinning, you should listen to it and pray about the matter. If something continues to make you uncomfortable, you should definitely talk to your husband about it. We find it helpful to focus conversations like this in a positive direction. Rather than saying “I don’t like it when you…”, you can approach it more like, “this makes me uncomfortable, but I really want to explore together, how we can try something similar that’s exciting for both of us?” Check out our role-playing section for some ideas that might be more to your liking.

Husband “ES” writes:

I’d love an outside female opinion. My wife’s and my sex life hasn’t panned out how I thought it would be. After more than a decade of marriage and four kids, I have rarely felt like our relationship was a priority to her. Work, friends, family, and kids all seem to take precedence over me. Sometimes we have sex once a week, but often we go weeks or months with her rejecting or ignoring my desire for sex. We have had direct talks. We have gone to martial counseling, she stops attending when sex comes up.

I have read yours and many other blog and books. I try not to have a contract or demand payment of sex. I do try to woo her. I plan all the dates, arrange the sitter, plan vacations. I recently thought we were on the cusp of making some improvements.

But then six months ago she started going to a women’s “Bible study”. The group leaders believe that I only want sex is because I’m “addicted” and have issues I need to resolve. (I’m not perfect but I don’t watch porn or masturbate) The group told my wife we should stop having sex for 40 days until I’m “better”, and my wife agreed!

My heart broke. I am furious. This group has become yet another higher priority over me. Really, I don’t know what my next step is for sex, or even how our marriage will look with this “women’s Bible study” calling the shots. Please help!

Pray, pray, pray! We’ve seen God work miracles in marriages. It can be hard for men and women to understand each other, especially in the realm of sex because typically men have higher libidos than women do. It could be helpful for her to understand that nearly all men will want more sex, and there is nothing perverse about it — it’s how God designed us. With that in mind, there is not going to be a point where you stop pursuing your wife for sex. It’s a healthy, on-going desire. She should understand that you will always want her sexually, and she’s the way God intends to meet your need. God’s will is for your sex life with your spouse to be abundant!

Here are a couple of posts you might want to read with your wife:

El Fury adds: I suggest taking every possible Godly step to extricate your wife from that group of women. They’re harming your marriage and could end up destroying your family.

Wife “BE” writes:

Thank you for sharing this wealth of information. I’m sure so many Christian women like myself find themselves sinking in loneliness with nowhere to go for non-judgemental discussion. This site is a good refreshment.

I’ve been having a strange and shameful sexual fantasy recently, and I need some input on whether it’s ok and worth exploring. In my fantasy, I’m wearing a short skirt with no panties, and a silky blouse with no bra. Then I go out and do some outdoor street-preaching. Why do I want to do this ? I’m not even sure … could it be that I want to be looked at as a whore while I speak about holiness and repentance? Maybe even if no one knows, maybe it’s the idea of being a Godly woman whose private and sacred bits are uncovered.

This fantasy has been a huge turn on for me, I can’t help indulging in it while touching myself. Even though I’d love to take it a step forward, I’m terribly apprehensive … first of being found out by someone within the crowd listening, and second by maybe going too far and grieving the Holy Spirit. I really need help.

Fantasies and thoughts can be strange and interesting — we don’t really know where they come from! God tells us to share our testimony with others… if you were carrying out this fantasy in real-life would you really be focused on bringing others to Christ? Would it simply make evangelism somehow more exciting or thrilling? Would you be using people as unknowing props? The fantasy does sound like a really fun role-playing scenario, but I encourage you to pray about it and have an open heart to God’s response. I can’t be your Holy Spirit, but if living out the fantasy will lead you or someone else into sin then it’s pretty clear you shouldn’t do it.

Finally, husband “DI” writes:

I have a question for you but first I want to say that my wife and I have really enjoyed and grown a lot in our marriage because of this site and the advice you guys offer! So thank you so much!

My question is this… having talked with my wife many times about finishing in her mouth and getting her thoughts on it, what it comes down to for her is that she doesn’t like the consistency of my semen. She has this problem with other foods as well, like yogurt. Is there anything that can be done to change the consistency of semen? I drink lots of water so that isn’t a problem. I know you can change the taste of semen (like with pineapple), but how about the consistency?

From what we read, it does seem like drinking lots of water is important, so good job. Beyond that, there doesn’t seem to be much solid information about changing the consistency or texture of semen. That said, here are a few ideas that might help your wife.

  • Your wife can try taking your penis deeper into her mouth so that most of the semen just goes down her throat. Then she won’t have to worry about texture much at all.
  • Your wife can hold something else in her mouth while she performs oral, like a mint or gum. This will “dilute” the texture of your semen and may also create an
    enjoyable sensation for you.
  • You can ejaculate more frequently. Semen can get very thick or viscous if you haven’t ejaculated in a while.

If you and your wife try these, please report back and let us know how they go. Meanwhile, here are a few related posts:

Have a great week everyone. We’re praying that God would give you a joyful and abundant sex life with your spouse.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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El Fury and I have been blogging about sex for 10 years! We got the idea while driving home from a marriage class at our church. We both felt a burden for married couples after listening to people share their hopelessness for their sex lives. After a decade of our own marriage, and hearing questions and feedback from our readers, we have learned a lot!
  • We are lifelong learners. I love that at any moment we can stumble upon something we didn’t know about ourselves or our spouse. If you are curious and willing to play and explore, there is a lot to discover. Even when I think we have all of our moves down, El Fury can simply rub me in the right spot while doing something else and I can’t believe how it drives me crazy.
  • Play is important. Sometimes we take things too seriously. Life has a lot of responsibilities. You should definitely take your marriage seriously, but don’t forget to play with your spouse. Play is one of the best forms of bonding in a relationship. When was the last time you made your spouse laugh? Sex is a form of play, so make sure to incorporate playfulness into your sexuality.
  • It’s easy to fall into a pattern. Calendars fill up and time passes with a sort of inertia. Your sex life can get caught up in that. Your sex life should not be all novelty, but guard from letting it be only routine. Even one night of novelty every few months can keep your sex life feeling lively. Be intentional in planning a few times a year to create space for something different.
  • When I am in a season of low libido, it’s not that I need less sex but more orgasms. I have gone through periods in our marriage where my libido is lower. During times like this I am usually busier in other areas of life, feeling stressed, and am having fewer orgasms because I feel like I don’t have enough time or energy. I feel like I want to avoid sex altogether. When this has happened and I put in the effort to have one more orgasm a week, my attitude totally changes.
  • It takes two to tango. When we have problems, whether it is in our sex life or another part of our relationship, these are best resolved when you humbly acknowledge your role in the problem. Before a discussion about a problem, ask yourself, how have I contributed to this. Then go first. This is the problem I see, here is how I think I have contributed, here is how I think you have contributed, do you think that’s a fair assessment, and how do we resolve this and move forward. Whenever we approach arguments like this I always look back and think they went well.
  • Communicate. Most of the questions we get from our readers can be solved by communication. Get comfortable talking to your spouse about sex. Most of the time this can be really positive! I loved it when you did… If you are in the habit of talking about sex with your spouse, then it’s easier when you do have a problem.
  • Connection is circular. I feel most connected to El Fury when we are having good quality time together. For me, that is usually in the form of good conversations and play. When I feel connected to him, I feel like having sex. El Fury feels most connected to me when we are having good sex. That in turn makes him feel like engaging in good quality time together. Our needs feed each other’s needs. When this is a circular flow, it’s great! At times, this can get out of flow. When this happens, one of us needs to go first. The great thing is, then it is easy to get back in.
We pray this is a blessing to your marriage and your sex life! For those of you that have learned great lessons from your sex lives, please leave a comment and share!
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Wife “NN” writes:

I had a very uncomfortable situation recently. My husband and I went for a weekend away with our really good friends, and we decided to save some money by sharing a hotel room. We made a rule: no sex while both couples are in the room. We agreed we would give each other time alone during the trip. Anyway, the first night we go out and we all get pretty drunk, especially my husband. That night, I woke up in the middle of the night and I could hear our friends whispering. I peeked out from under my covers and could not believe my eyes. They were clearly having sex.

At this point, my husband was completely passed out and I pretended to be sleeping. My girlfriend was trying to be quiet but I could clearly hear her moaning. I must have dozed off again, and when I opened my eyes my girlfriend was facing me and her husband was spooning her. What was worse was the blanket was off and her legs were open and I could see everything, including his penis going in and out of her vagina. I had no idea what to do so I pretended to sleep, and this continued for a hour or more. In the morning my husband was oblivious to what I witnessed, and he went to the gym. I went to the bathroom and when I came out my girlfriend was standing completely naked in front of me and hugged me. I am so embarrassed. I want to tell my husband but he will just laugh. Along with all this embarrassment, I really got turned on by watching them and I’m not sure what to do. Help?

This does sound like an awkward situation. I think it’s ok to talk to both your friend and your husband about it. It’s good to have boundaries, and it sounds like your friends crossed yours. You don’t have to dwell on what happened, but acknowledging it can clear the air and then you can move on in your relationship. If it’s still bothering you after some times has passed, talking about it with your husband and laughing together might help you move on.

As for being aroused, I don’t think you need to feel bad about it. Your body responded to what it was seeing. If your mind is dwelling on it, try to turn your thoughts towards your husband and your sex life with him. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can use every experience in life for God’s glory.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Wife “ER” writes:

I noticed that you guys had an episode for husbands on how to navigate the clitoris. Do you have one for penis’s that maybe I’m missing? If you don’t have one, I’d like to see you guys create one for the wives!

Your wish is our command!

Humans have been representing the penis in art for thousands of years. From the Obelisks of Egypt to the Rockets of Jeff Bezos to “unique roman artifacts”, our fascination with the phallus is enduring. For those of us without a rod, or staff, or Johnson, the penis can be a tricky place to navigate.

The balls are a great place to begin with foreplay. Licking the balls all around is like soothing an ache. El Fury describes this as luxurious. Use the tongue for foreplay and your hand for an accessory to aid in orgasm. Cup the balls while he uses his hand, or if you are performing oral.

At the opposite end is the head of the penis. The head is the most sensitive area, so it is important to be gentle and avoid direct hand contact. Treat the head as the playground of the tongue. Swirl, flick, lick — the tongue can do anything to drive the head of the penis crazy. There is a spot on the under-side of the head (ball side) called the frenulum. With enough time and attention a man can orgasm just from extended focus in this area. The head is also a great place to tease when the wife is on top. Allow just the head inside the vagina and see how long it takes before the husband loses control. It’s fun to bounce up and down with the slightest movement, plus it feels great.

Connecting the balls and penis is the shaft. This area seems to be the least sensitive, but craves attention in order to orgasm. During sex or oral, taking the shaft in deep will push him over the edge. In a technique that El Fury calls “Around the World” the wife can start on the head, then take her tongue down the shaft, around the balls and back up the other side. The shaft is where to hold during a hand job.

Similar to the clitoris, the penis can vary from man to man. It’s important to explore together. It means a lot to a husband if the wife loves and appreciates his penis.

Wives, if you have any great tips for navigating a penis please share them in the comments!

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Happy New Year! New Years is a time of looking back and looking forward, resembling a cycle of death and rebirth. The old year has come to an end. The new year stretches ahead of us like a field of possibility. A lot of people make resolutions. There is hope for change, for something new, for something better. I think it is the potential that is the most exciting. When God created us with free will He gave us the ability to shape our futures. What an incredible gift! El Fury and I take New Years as an opportunity to discuss the past and future in an effort to enhance the present. We look at the past year and discuss what we are thankful for, what we could improve upon, and what went really great. Then we look forward and discuss our goals, how we want to grow, what we want to do. As you are making your resolutions, make sure to set goals with your spouse. Include some sexy goals!

Have a discussion with your spouse to help you shape what your sexolutions can be:

  • If both of us have the sex life that we dream of, what does that look like?
  • When we look back at the end of 2024 and thinking, we had a great sex life, what were the things that happened to make that true?
  • What did we feel to make that true?
  • What did we do to make that true?
  • What did we avoid to make that true?
  • What are the things we should start? Stop? Continue?
  • What would you be willing to give up this year to have an awesome sex life? Is that time? Alcohol? Sleeping in?
  • What would you be willing to change about yourself? Look inward, specifically about yourself. Don’t ask what the other person could change.

In your discussion, focus on being positive, forward looking. This isn’t the time for the airing of grievances. You are shaping your future with your spouse, make it exciting and joyful.

Here is a list of sexolutions that you can try with your spouse in 2024:

  • Have 1 more orgasm per week than what you are already having. This might require some effort. You might have to get up a little earlier. You might have to muster up the desire. If anything is worth putting effort into, it’s your marriage. You will never regret having an orgasm with your spouse!
  • Introduce novelty into your sex life. Try one of the games on our site. Try having each of you write down 6 ideas and draw them randomly once a month through the year.
  • Date. Go out. Pick a frequency. Once a month, once a week, once a quarter. Ask a babysitter to commit to a regular time.
  • Have sex outside once this year.
  • Have sex in a different room of your house.
  • Have sex at a different time of day.
  • Try a different style of music during sex.
  • At least once this year try something that is outside of your comfort zone.
  • Talk about your sex life with your spouse. Most of the questions we get on our site would be solved with communication. The more you talk about sex with your spouse the easier it gets.

Be specific. Try not to just say ‘have more’ or ‘do less’. If your goals are more specific you are more likely to achieve them. Write them down. Set reminders to check them. We pray that when 2025 begins you can look back on 2024 and be able to confidently say that it was one sexy year.

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Here are a selection of emails we’ve gotten recently from newlyweds.

Almost-Husband “AI” writes:

Hi Sexy Corte, I’ve been visiting this page for a while and have enjoyed what you and your husband have been doing. I really appreciate it. I’m a virgin and am about to get married. I’m excited and very nervous. Me and my fiance have been talking about our expectations and have been very clear with each other how excited we are to have sex. We are both very sexual, we make jokes and dirty references (we are remaining pure however) and I’m asking as a male for some advice for the first time. I’ve seen the post someone else made where they asked a similar question and I guess I’m looking for an updated if there is one necessary. I just don’t want to disappoint her and want to make sure our first time is as special as possible.

(Note: Here are the earlier posts: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex and Follow-Up: First-Time Wedding Night Sex.)

I love that you and your future wife are already communicating about sex, that is setting a tone for a great sex life and a great marriage! Your wedding night will be special because it will be your first time together. Don’t put too much pressure on it though. You will have years together to explore each other and learn how to please each other best. Sex in the beginning of marriage isn’t polished, and it’s good to be able to laugh and fumble your way through a little. And that’s beautiful. Keep the focus on each other, your intimacy and love for each other, and less on the performance. I pray that God would bless your marriage and bless your sex life. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “HZ” writes:

Hello, I’m a newly wed, married for almost 7 months. I have yet to orgasm and don’t know how to get there… My husband and I have tried a lot… stimulation with hands, mouth, vibrator, long foreplay etc… nothing has worked yet. Though we love our sex life, we’re both getting discouraged that it’s taking this long. My husband is very supportive and encouraging, but sometimes I think maybe I’ll never orgasm, that maybe there’s something wrong with me and my body isn’t able to? Is that a possibility? Do you have any tips or ideas I could try to get myself there?

Thanks for your email. It can take a while to figure these things out, so have patience and keep trying. Every woman is different, so you have to explore and find out what best pleases you. It’s unlikely that your body can’t orgasm at all.

How long have you tried foreplay for? When I was ‘new’ to having an orgasm, it could take me 45 minutes to an hour. There are times it can still take that long! Having an orgasm is like a muscle that you have to train. When you and your husband are intimate, have the mindset that you are going to work on finding what feels best for an extended period of time. Use lube and have him focus around your clitoris. If he finds a spot that feels good, have him focus there. Make sure you are focusing around the clit, taking enough time, and using lube as needed. Use his hand or a vibrator. Just relax and explore together.

If this persists, you can always talk to your doctor about it. Being married and having sex can take some time to get used to. There is a lot to figure out! You have your whole lifetime together to find out what you like. It can be really fun to discover new things together! I prayed for you that God will open this up for you. Let us know how it goes!

Wife “RO” writes:

Hi! My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now. I’m currently in counseling and diving into my childhood pains and beliefs. We were both virgins when we got married and since we’ve been married our experience with sex has been up and down.. at least for me and my emotions.

I grew up with movies, pornography and fantasies defining what sex was to me. This made me expect sex to be perfect and extremely pleasurable, but getting married was a wake up call! It takes so much vulnerability and work just to feel connected and successful in our sex life. Recently we went 6 months without sex… that’s so sad! I would help him out with hand jobs and he would occasionally help me out. I noticed that I fantasize about being pursued sexually, however when my husband actually does pursue me I find myself thinking “all he wants is sex” and “he doesn’t really care about you” and other similar thoughts. Then we end up not having sex.

I guess my question is, have you experienced this? How have you pushed through and continued to have sex everyday without feeling abandoned, like that’s all your hubby wants? I know I struggle with even allowing myself to feel turned on so I know I need to dig into this more with possible counseling.

Thanks for your email. I have come to understand that EF will never stop wanting sex. It isn’t all he wants, but it is a biological need that drives him to pursue sex more frequently than I do. Every person is different and has different drives. I know he doesn’t only want sex because we do have many other interests and activities together. Our relationship isn’t only about sex. Sex is a big part of our relationship, and often sets the tone for our interactions outside of having sex.

Your past can shape you but it doesn’t define you. The Bible tells us to set aside the things that entangle us and to move forward. Focus on creating sexual memories with your husband and explore what you like together so that your mind can dwell on what you and your husband have done together instead of how sex was previously defined for you. It’s great that you are talking through these things with your counselor. That can be extremely helpful to sort out your thoughts.

Praying that God would heal you and bless your marriage and bless your sex life!

We get a lot of emails, but we try to read and respond to them all. Please leave us a comment with your advice to these newlyweds!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

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Reader and commenter Joe Caveman (who asked to use his commenting name rather than being anonymous) has some questions about bisexual attraction and when/if to discuss it with a woman he’s dating.

Hello! I’ve been following your site for a few years, and I appreciate your open-minded, yet principled exploration of sexual topics. This question is for both of you, but SC’s perspective might be especially helpful. Feel free to include this or a pared-down version of it in a Q&A post.

When and how should I come out to a significant other about being bisexual? For example: casually, after a couple of dates? Deliberately, soon before engagement? Whenever a fitting occasion arises, even if it’s not until five years into our marriage?

Perhaps a little more information would be helpful. I’m not out of the closet to anyone close enough to me to know my real name. Also, I’m not “struggling” with homosexuality, in the sense that I’m pretty sure I could feel sexually satisfied by heterosexual, monogamous marriage. I’m not tempted by extramarital homosexual desires any more than I’m tempted by extramarital heterosexual desires.

For that reason, I don’t think my bisexuality should actually matter very much to a prospective spouse. On the other hand, one of the women who I’ve dated spontaneously suggested that she wouldn’t date a bisexual person, and one of my sisters recently said something similar.

Is there a right time to come out to your significant other? Is there a right way? If your significant other is bisexual, would it be important for you to know that? If so, then why?

I’d appreciate your insight into any of these questions.

El Fury writes: We’ve received variations on this question before, and it’s great that Joe is willing to kick off this discussion publicly. The Bible clearly forbids homosexual sexual activity, so we’re going to focus on Joe’s question about same-sex attraction.

The Bible doesn’t really say much about attraction itself, which is mostly involuntary. We have very little control over what we’re attracted to, but we are responsible for how we act on our attractions. In the 10th Commandment God commands us not to “covet”, which has a sense beyond mere attraction or desire — to covet is to want something so much that you make plans and take action to possess it.

So, it seems to us that same-sex attraction is not a sin. See also: What Is Lust?

Sexy Corte writes: We think that the most important thing is that you are attracted and faithful to your wife. That doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find someone else attractive. That would be impossible! But, in your thoughts and your actions, you stay faithful to your wife.

This does seem like something that would be good to talk about before marriage. I wish I could tell you the right time to have that conversation. We encourage all of our readers to develop an open dialogue with their spouses about their sex life together. If you are comfortable talking about your sex life, you will have a better sex life. Open communication solves a lot of problems in relationships and if you develop that practice then I think you will be able to discuss your attraction to both men and women.

To which Joe replied:

Yesterday, I broached the topic with my girlfriend of two months. It was during an especially personal conversation in which we explicitly decided to discuss things that we needed to know about the other person and things we needed to share about ourselves.

I gave her most of the details that I gave you, and she took it very well. She said that it doesn’t change anything, and she thanked me for trusting her enough to share it with her.

I appreciate your encouragement. Your measured reaction helped give me the confidence to have the conversation.

My girlfriend did express one concern about my bisexuality. I’ve wavered on the sinfulness of homosexuality in the past, and she wanted to know what would happen if, at some point in the future, I decided that it wasn’t sinful. I explained to her that I still wouldn’t date men, because:

  1. If I became romantically involved with a man and then changed my mind again, then extricating myself from that relationship would be emotionally damaging to myself and him.
  2. Most of my family strongly disapproves of same-sex relationships, so dating a man would needlessly sow discord among my family.
  3. Eliminating men from my dating pool only marginally affects its size. There are a lot more opposite-sex-attracted women than same-sex-attracted men.

My girlfriend was satisfied by my reasoning, and there hasn’t been any tension regarding the subject since then. In fact, as I alluded to in my last email, the experience as a whole probably improved our relationship, due to the trust and communication that it established.

We love seeing God work, and we pray for wisdom as we search for God’s will in our lives and marriages.

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Wife “CO” writes that her husband is frustrated by her lack of sexual experience:

I hope all is well with you. I am recently married to my husband, and we’re both in our mid-twenties. He is frustrated with my lack of sexual experience. When it comes to the sexual department, it seems like we are unequally yoked, and I blame my lack of experience.

During intimacy I ask him to teach me what he likes. He does, but he suggests I need to figure it out through non-verbal cues (e.g., a harder penis).

I have read educational/research blogs to learn more. However, my husband tells me I am not learning in a timely manner, and after 5 months of marriage it should not take more than 10 minutes with a hand job to satisfy him.

I am hurt by his words, because I am trying out the techniques I’ve learned from my research. This indicates I’m just not good at it or not good enough for him sexually.

Currently, I am 3 months pregnant, so it is not as if we have never enjoyed an intimate moment together.

I need help. I do not want to be (indirectly) called incompetent anymore, or that I am not caring about his sexual needs enough.

Part of the fun of sex in marriage is the process of exploration and discovery. You will have years to figure out what each other likes! Never apologize for your lack of sexual experience — we hear from many readers who feel weighed down by guilt over past sexual relationships. Every human is different and likes different things, and you will learn a lot with time and practice.

When we were first married, I felt like El Fury should just know what I liked. For whatever reason, it seems less romantic to have to communicate directly. Over time we learned that there’s no substitute for being direct and explicit and simply telling your spouse what you like. You can encourage your husband to be more direct, tell him that you want to learn, and remind him that you have different parts than him. The better you can communicate about sex, the better your sex will be.

El Fury and I often joke that it’s impossible for me to ever be better than he is with hand jobs! But, I can do things with my mouth that make his hand pale in comparison.

El Fury adds: I can’t speak for other husbands, but what’s hotter than a wife who’s eager to learn how to please you better? On the job training. Practice makes perfect!

How do you communicate your needs and desires with your spouse? Do you ever feel frustrated that your spouse doesn’t just know how to please you? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Here are a couple of emails from wives whose husbands “only want anal”.

Wife “ZE” write:

My husband and I have had a difficult marriage of nearly 12 years, but sex has been something we can always come back to, leaning on the openness and intimacy it fosters. A couple years ago we tried anal, and although very uncomfortable and usually painful for me, we kept trying every couple months to try to get it to be enjoyable for me. I enjoyed it once or twice (with alcohol involved) but now that we do not drink alcohol it’s uncomfortable and painful to me, even with a lot of prep and lube.

I got so frustrated with the pressure to have anal sex that I made him promise not to even ask for it because I just don’t like it. Of course now that it’s taboo he wants it even more. His promise only lasted a few months. Sometimes he goes for days unable to orgasm any other way because he keeps thinking about anal. He is unable to orgasm on his own since we’ve been married, and if he has a biological need (very painful, swollen testicles) I need to be involved in some way. He does not like porn because it feels like cheating to him (which is just fine with me!). Recently, we tried again, and I didn’t even say i didn’t want to because I know he will keep asking and be likely unable to orgasm without it, but it hurts and i don’t like it and I just want to never feel pressured to do it again. Our formerly awesome glue of a sex life is coming undone. What can we do?

This seems like a difficult situation. I think frank, direct communication is best. Anal hurts you, and you need to explore other ways. It seems likely that with communication and experimentation that the two of you will be able to find other sexual activities that he enjoys. It seems unlikely that he will not be able to find another sexual activity that can bring him to orgasm. Are there other seemingly “taboo” things that the two of you can explore together?

If he is unable to move past this, it sounds like there could be a mental block; you should encourage him to speak to a therapist that can advise him on overcoming this situation. Sex is as much mental as it is physical.

Encourage your husband that you want to have a great sex life with him — you aren’t rejecting him, it’s just not physically safe for you to engage in this activity anymore.

El Fury adds: My opinion is that it’s not beneficial to pressure your spouse, whether that’s pressure to have anal sex or pressure to “promise you’ll never do that again”. I suggest taking life one day at a time. Use wisdom and prudence to let a “no” stand for a while before asking again.

Wife “DN” writes:

I found this site because I was looking up Christian sex counseling. To say this was a God-thing is an understatement!

A little background: My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have five children. [snip a lot of details about family history and chaos]

All that to say, I’m lost in despair. We’ve discussed the same things more or less for 22 years. It started with expectant touching. I didn’t get touched unless it was to communicate desire. My touches were read as desire nearly 100% of the time. So less than 6 months into our marriage, I was not showing much affection and was annoyed with his. You can imagine how that has progressed over two decades and five kids.

We still have sex. Often. 2-3 times a week on average. Because I love him and still want to commune with him and vice versa. But often that’s not enough for him, and penis-in-vagina sex is no longer enough. He wants anal when I’m still super uncomfortable with just talking dirty. And he wants to finish in my mouth when he knows my texture issues. It is becoming a problem to the point that he has to fantasize about either one to finish… and that’s not even enough anymore. At this point I’m afraid to even try either act, because I’m afraid he might like it too much and then want to do it every time. I almost never used to give him oral due to a large amount of discomfort for me, but have figured out ways around it. He is very appreciative… and wants it EVERY time. It is still not my favorite thing to do. Plain, vanilla sex is often all I feel up for. But if it’s not more than that, he has an especially hard time popping off. I’m not trying to be a gatekeeper. But that’s exactly what I’ve become.

Communication is so important, especially about sex. Have some conversations — what is your husband’s ideal sex life? What is yours? How often would it be ideal to have sex? You can compromise to make sure you are both satisfied. It’s ok to communicate to set expectations. If you are trying something new that you are uncomfortable with, let him know that you are willing to do this once in a while but you don’t want to do it all of the time. Then establish how often you would be comfortable. You can even communicate about physical touch. Tell him that sometimes you just want a hug, or to touch him, without it being interpreted sexually. Non-sexual physical touch is really important for intimacy.

Like the husband of “ZE” above, it sounds like your husband has a bit of a mental block that he needs to work around. Practicing regular penis-in-vagina sex will hopefully build back up his ability to finish. Spend some time yourself looking for new “taboo” activities that you might enjoy and suggest them to your husband! There are so many things to do that you can mutually enjoy, and your husband just might be surprised at what you’re willing to try. Discuss things that excite you both instead of getting fixated on things that are uncomfortable for you.

El Fury adds: Lots of husbands want to have anal sex, and lots of wives are hesitant or uncomfortable. Here’s an an earlier post about anal sex that goes into more detail: Sex Q&A: “What is your view on anal sex?”. From the emails we receive, many wives are afraid that if they have anal sex once then that’s all their husbands will ever want — and the emails we respond to in this post show that some husbands actually do feel that way! However, if you want to enjoy sexual exploration in your marriage then both spouses need to be both open and practical. There has to be room to try new things, and also a recognition that some activities are only for once-in-a-while.
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Husband “TN” writes:

I was recently introduced to your podcast and love what you and your husband are doing. It’s needed in the Christian space and I believe it will really help married couples unlock new desires and pleasures.

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have been pretty good about staying intimate. But over the years and having kids I’ve noticed it gets harder. Our kids want to sleep with us at times and it distracts us from having that alone time.

My wife and I recently had a breakthrough while revisiting our love languages. We did them years back, and we were surprised to see that they had changed a little. Both of us now feel increased desire for physical touch.

We have also been exploring new things in bed. My wife has been experimenting with touching herself, and this as opened new doors of pleasure for us.

We want to keep unlocking new experiences in this area but we’re not sure what to try as far as lubes, vibrator, etc. Anyway I feel weird reaching out, but I want to take our sex to a new level and give my wife orgasms in the way that’s best pleasing to her, so I’m doing my homework.

That’s wonderful you are exploring new things together!

First, let’s talk about lube. Lube has been a wonderful thing in our sex life! If we’re doing oral, we usually do that before using lube so that we don’t have to taste it (you can buy flavored lube, but we don’t). Your saliva should be enough lubricant that you don’t need additional lube. We use lube when El Fury plays with my lady bits with his hand. Sometimes we need a little more before penetration, and sometimes not. If you’re playing with your wife with your hand you can usually tell if more is needed, but don’t be afraid to ask her how she’s feeling.

We typically buy simple generic water-based jelly lube from and it gets the job done for less than $5 per bottle. Water-based lube is cheap and easy to clean up. We even keep some in our vehicles… just in case.

Second: vibrators. Vibrators can vary a lot, and we own a bunch of them. Our go-to favorite is the egg vibrator, but you’ll have to experiment to find out what your wife likes best. Every woman is different, so play around and explore. If your wife as never used one before, start low and slow — and use plenty of lube. Enjoy the exploration together, and discover how the vibrator can be used to increase your intimacy.

El Fury adds: In addition to lube and vibrators, there are probably many ways that you can incorporate your wife touching herself into your sex life. Have her put on a show for you while you touch yourself. As she gets proficient, you can go hands-free in any position.

Leave a comment and tell us how you discovered the wonders of lube and vibrators in your sex life!

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