Intimacy While Sick, Part 3 1

(Part 1, Part 2)

After getting a fever four days ago and testing positive for COVID three days ago, I think my condition is finally starting to improve. My terrible sore throat is waning and my nasal congestion is waxing, which I think is a good sign. Sexy Corte is still uncomfortable and coughing a lot, for going on three weeks now.

One thing we’ve realized through this period of illness is that being sick affects our libidos very differently. When Sexy Corte is sick her libido goes into hibernation, but being sick doesn’t lessen my libido much at all. The medicine I take (especially pseudoephedrine) might make it difficult to get or maintain an erection, but it’s not for lack of desire.

For me, tender and nurturing sex is very comforting when I’m sick. Two days ago we were able to do a very vanilla wife-on-top encounter that was wonderfully intimate despite our sicknesses. We both orgasmed and then we cuddled for a while with Sexy Corte laying on top of me. It was really nice, even though we’re not kissing again for fear of additional infection.

Many people crave sexual novelty, excitement, and adventure, but don’t miss out on the blessing of sex that is healing and nurturing.

Update:

Commenter “Andrew DEDMAN” says:

What is wrong with you. Intimincy isn’t it a given . we don’t have to have realtions on a calender.

I’m not entirely sure what this comment means, but I’ll try to address it anyway.

Intimacy in marriage isn’t a given — it takes work and investment, even when times are tough. “In sickness and in health.” We’ve decided to cultivate a habit of daily sex in our marriage. We don’t have sex every single day, but when we don’t have sex it’s because we’ve decided not to. We expect to have sex every day.

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Intimacy While Sick, Part 2 2

Not that everyone cares about our sex life, but now that Sexy Corte is (gradually) recovering I’m sick. I tested positive for COVID on Monday morning, and now I’m feeling moderately sick.

Fortunately we had a great sex session on Sunday morning before church! It was the first time we kissed in two weeks and we were so hungry for each other.

Then Sunday night I started feeling sick, and it was downhill from there. Sexy Corte has been taking great care of me, and I’m hoping that her nursing will turn a bit naughtier this evening.

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Share Your Tips for Maintaining Intimacy While Sick 3

Things have been slow here for a couple of weeks, and slow for us sexually as a couple since Christmas Eve. We’ve got several podcast episodes lined up to record, several blog posts to write, and lots of email to respond to. Unfortunately Sexy Corte has been sick with a really bad cold for almost two weeks now — the test says it isn’t COVID, but who knows. This illness has dampened our libido, which makes it hard to write and record about sexual topics.

Many people endure long periods of illness, and we’re blessed that Sexy Corte is recovering. We’re grateful, and we know that many people suffer worse than she has. But still — this sickness has really hindered our intimacy for the past two weeks. SC has been too drained to try for an orgasm, and just plain tired in the evening from her illness. We haven’t kissed in a long time, even though we’re sleeping next to each other every night. As far as I can remember, this is the most prolonged health-related intimacy challenge we’ve had since we’ve been married.

Does anyone have any tips they can share for maintaining intimacy while one or both spouses is sick? Even aside from sex, how can we connect intimately under the circumstances?

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Christmas Eve Sex 4

Christmas Eve is always a whirlwind for parents: Christmas Eve dinner, visiting with family, Christmas Eve service, putting excited children to bed, setting up presents, and finally falling into bed exhausted. Well this year Sexy Corte and I tried something different… we managed to get all that important stuff done by around 9pm and then made time to have Christmas Eve sex on the floor in front of the Christmas tree.

You might think that sex is a big divergence from Christmas’ spiritual focus and all that family activity, but actually it was quite convergent for us. Our marriage is the foundation of our family and a critical part of our spiritual life, and sex is a linchpin of our marriage. (Linchpin: a central cohesive element.)

Having sex in front of the Christmas tree with Christmas carols playing in the background was a uniquely intimate and spiritual experience we could share after the business and responsibility of the day. It was a way for us to relax and take pleasure in each other while looking forward to the joy of Christmas Day. The sacredness of Christmas and the sacredness of our marital sex intermingled to bless us and glorify God.

It was a very intimate experience, as evidenced by Sexy Corte reading my mind. When she was close to orgasm she said, “After I come I know you’re going to have me turn around and face the tree so we can do it doggy style and you can get that image in your head.” And she was right! Sexy Corte face-down and butt-up in front of the tree is now one of my favorite Christmas memories

We hope you and your spouse and family had an awesome Christmas. May God bless you, your marriage, and your sex life in this season.

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Creating Art While Sexually Aroused 5

Sexy Corte is planning a podcast episode about sex and art, and as we were discussing it I came up with the idea for the project behind this post: what’s it like to create art while sexually aroused? We’re pretty pleased with how it turned out, and there are many ways to take the idea farther than we did this time.

The project behind this post is pretty simple: Sexy Corte created an acrostic of marital sex advice while I stimulated her with a vibrator and zoom technique. I didn’t tell her what we’d be doing until we started, so she came up with everything below while sexually aroused.

I don’t know if acrostics are “art”, but the process of creating this list was definitely performance art and extremely erotic. I think that the prompt and structure of the acrostic was critical for making this project work — if I had given Sexy Corte a completely blank slate she would not have been able to create anything substantial under the circumstances. As it was, she struggled to focus on the task at hand.

Here are a few others ideas for artwork you could create while being sexually aroused by your spouse. You might want to consider using non-sexual themes so that the resulting artwork can be displayed in public areas of your home!

  • Painting or drawing: prompt the artist with a scene or situation to create, or have the artist copy an existing work.
  • Lettering or calligraphy: have the artist copy a poem or Bible verse with an elaborate style.
  • Poetry: give the artist a prompt for writing a short poem.
  • Music: prompt the artist to compose a short piece of music.
  • Lego or other model: have the artist assemble a model.
  • Singing or reading: if you’re brave, record audio of the artist reciting a poem or passage from a book, singing a song, or playing music.

If you’re feeling ambitious you can even take on a larger project that can’t be completed in a single session — and the artist is only allowed to work on the piece while being sexually stimulated by the spouse!

Have you ever created any art while sexually stimulated? Do you have ideas for more art projects? Leave us a comment below!

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"Tender Defender" and "Madonna / Whore" 6

In a healthy, sexual marriage the wife wants her husband to be a “Tender Defender” and the husband wants his wife to be a mix of “Madonna” and “Whore”. Both of these pairings have some tension, so let’s dig a little deeper into the four descriptors and consider how they can be balanced.

Edit: Commenter Dave suggests the word “Nymph” instead of “Whore” and I like that a lot! Nymphs are sexual, playful, wild, spontaneous, daring, and exciting.

Starting with husbands, here’s the most relevant definition of Tender:

a. Considerate and protective; solicitous
b. Characterized by or expressing gentle emotions; loving
c. Given to sympathy or sentimentality

And Defend:

a. To make or keep safe from danger, attack, or harm
b. To engage in or be prepared to engage in battle to prevent from being captured or occupied by an enemy.

The tension between tender and defender is immediately obvious. How can a husband be considerate, gentle, and sympathetic with his wife and family while simultaneously being ready, willing, and able to wreck havoc on an attacker? The stereotype is that women want to date “bad boys” and marry “nice guys”. Unfortunately, nice guys don’t get laid much, but the knight in shining armor always get the princess.

Husbands, if you’re experiencing strife or apathy in your marriage it may be because you aren’t balancing tender and defender properly. If you’re too tender you may not be letting your good masculine qualities shine forth, and if you’re too much of a defender (or worse, an aggressor towards your family) then your wife may not feel like she can be open and trusting towards you.

If you properly balance tender and defender your wife will be attracted to your strong masculinity and feel emotionally connected at the same time. Except when your family is being immediately threatened, these roles can usually be blended together because their targets are different: tender is aimed towards your family, and defender is aimed outward. Try to figure out which element is lacking and turn it up a little bit to see how your wife responds.

The Madonna and whore roles don’t blend together so easily because they’re both aimed inward towards the husband — instead, the wife will have to learn to switch between them at appropriate times. So what are they?

Madonna refers to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her nature as loving, nurturing, conscientious, pure, affectionate, and good — the Wife of Noble Character from Proverbs 31. Here are the bullet points that Sexy Corte wrote in that post:

Intoxicate him with your love.
Be prudent.
Bring your husband good.
Be industrious.
Refrain from idleness.
Fear the Lord.

The other side of the feminine coin is the whore. In this context it certainly doesn’t mean promiscuous, but it does include proactive sexuality, openness to new things, spontaneity, risk taking, humor, and excitement.

Just like with the husband’s roles, you can see an immediate tension between the two archetypes that wives are expected to live out. The Madonna is responsible for making sure that the family is taken care of perfectly, but the whore just wants to have fun. Unlike the husband’s roles, it’s nearly impossible to “balance” Madonna and whore — wives, you’ll have to learn how and when to flip the switch and change between them.

If you have kids you’ll probably spend around 90% of your time in the Madonna role, which can make it seem like this role is more important than the other. It’s easy to assume that if you’re hitting home runs as Madonna that your husband must be happy — after all, that’s 90% of the “wife job” right? Well yes, a Wife of Noble Character is more valuable than rubies. But… just like “nice guys”, Madonnas aren’t always the most fun.

Wives, if everything in your marriage seems “fine” but you’re experiencing boredom or a lack of emotional connection you should consider turning up the dial on whore and see how your husband responds. Initiate sex when (or where) he isn’t expecting it, try that thing he never thought you’d do, put on something sexy just because, send the kids away for the night, meet him at the door naked when he gets home from work, take a risk, be a bad girl for a little while.

So there you have it — we need to balance two opposing roles in order to be everything our spouse desires: a husband who is a tender defender and a wife who is a Madonna/whore. If you can learn to fulfill both your roles you will be a blessing to your spouse and have the awesome sex life God intends for you.

Leave a comment below to tell us what you think and let us know how you balance these roles in your marriage.

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Sexy Adult Tag -- Prizes and Penalties 8

We’ve written that For Female Arousal, Excitement Is Better than Relaxation, and what’s more exciting than being chased around the house naked? Here are some ideas for including sexual prizes and penalties when you play tag with your spouse. You’re going to need some space to run around!

In this post we’re going to use these two terms:

  • “It” — the spouse doing the chasing.
  • “NotIt” — the spouse who is trying to avoid being caught.

As you’d expect for tag, after It catches NotIt they swap roles and the new It tries to catch the new NotIt. We suggest also using a time limit for each round that forces you to swap roles even if It hasn’t caught NotIt. Before we get into the details here’s an important note: It gets a prize for catching NotIt, and a penalty to make it harder for the same spouse to keep winning over and over again. The penalty is important because the game could get frustrating and tedious if one spouse is much more athletic than the other and keeps winning.

Here are some prizes that It can receive after catching NotIt. Probably nothing too surprising here!

  • NotIt removes a piece of clothing.
  • NotIt removes a piece of It’s clothing.
  • NotIt does a sexy dance.
  • NotIt stimulates It with hands or mouth.
  • It tickles NotIt.
  • It spanks NotIt (or vice versa).
  • NotIt stimulates himself or herself while It watches.
  • NotIt describes a sexual fantasy.
  • NotIt kisses and licks It’s body.
  • It draws or writes something naughty on NotIt’s body.
  • It pleasures himself or herself with NotIt’s body. (But don’t finish unless you want the game to be over!)
  • It teases and edges NotIt without delivering an orgasm (yet).

Here are some ideas for penalties that can be applied to the winner of the round — that is, the winner gets a penalty to make it harder to win again. The penalties can keep stacking each time a person wins, or you can decide to remove the penalty when the person loses a round — it’s up to you. Got it?

  • Put on one or two socks. If you’re chasing each other around on hardwood floors, like we are, then wearing a sock or two will really make you slip and slide.
  • Hold one or two hands behind your back while you run. Use handcuffs if desired.
  • Carry your spouse’s removed clothing in your arms. This penalty works well because every time you catch your spouse you’ll end up with one more thing to carry, which will slow you down a little.
  • Pull your panties or underwear down around one or two ankles.
  • Keep one hand on your breasts or genitals while you run.
  • Hold a vibrator on your clitoris while you run.
  • Wear a blindfold over one (or two?) eyes.
  • It gets a nerf gun or bow-and-arrow to help catch NotIt.
  • You are only allowed to: hop, skip, jump, or fast-walk (pick one).
  • Carry a sex toy or other object between your knees, thighs, feet, or under your chin.

Remember: tag is fun when It eventually catches NotIt — that’s why we have the penalties described above. If one person keeps winning, just keep adding penalties until the other spouse wins!

And, of course, when you’re tired of running around go have sex.

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Madonna's "Into the Groove" 9

Our youngest daughter found a Madonna CD somewhere and has been playing “Into the Groove” non-stop. These lyrics haven’t changed since the first time our ancient ancestors banged two rocks together and danced around a fire.

Live out your fantasy here with me
Just let the music set you free
Touch my body, and move in time
Now I know you’re mine

These are the human ur-lyrics, if you will.

ur- : a combining form meaning “earliest, original,” used in words denoting the primal stage of a historical or cultural entity or phenomenon: ur-civilization; urtext.

The emotion, sentiment, desire, longing, and invitation behind these words are the reason why humans invented music. This music propagates the species.

The only music that can surpass this power is the hymn of glory that is eternally lifted to God in his heavenly throne room. This raw and deep embedding into the human condition is why Song of Solomon is written so sexually — not because God is sexual, but because human sexuality is one of the most primal forces that God has created in us.

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Escape the "Friend Zone" in Your Marriage 10

We get a lot of emails from married individuals and couples who get along with each other just fine, but don’t have the awesome sex life they long for. What can you do if your marriage has entered the dreaded “friend zone”?

This video from Charlie Houpert at Charisma on Command is primarily focused on single people who are trying to escape the friend zone with a person they’re attracted to, but the principles in the video are also applicable inside a marriage. The main difference for married couples is, of course, that “just move on” isn’t an option — but on the plus side, it’s very likely that the couple already has some level of mutual attraction!

After the video I will offer some thoughts on each of the main points.

Point 1: Take responsibility — you put yourself in the friend zone when you aren’t transparent with your feelings.

This point is really the most important and we’ve written it before: be specific and explicit about what you want. Your spouse can’t read your mind, and you can’t read theirs. You have to use actual words to express your desires. If you don’t say what you want, your spouse is very likely to think that you are satisfied and everything is great. Or maybe your spouse has unspoken desires too!

Point 2: The most reliable way to escape the friend zone is to focus on bettering yourself.

Rather than begging for more attention, make yourself more attractive. We’ve written posts like:

In addition to the things above, if you want more and better sex then you should invest time into making sex with you more fun for your spouse: enthusiasm and responsiveness can go a long way. (Yes, your spouse can and should work to make sex more fun for you also, but that’s less under your control.)

Point 3: Steady your nerves so you can be transparent with as much confidence as possible.

You’ve got to be bold! Pray. Be humble. Be direct.

Point 3a: Clearly imagine the worst case scenario of “going for it”.

What’s the worst that can happen? Most likely the worst outcome is that your spouse will be uninterested or noncommittal, either towards your specific request or your general desire for a closer sexual relationship. That would be disappointing, but at least you’d know where you stand.

The biggest fear is that your spouse will react with contempt, disgust, or rejection. Ouch. But you can probably set up the conversation in a way to avoid that reaction, which we describe in How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex. In What Does Your Spouse REALLY Want Sexually? we write about the importance of “saying yes” and being open to your spouse’s requests, which is critical if you’re the spouse who is being approached.

Point 3b: Spell out what “not going for it” is costing you.

Sometimes we’re afraid of saying something, but we lose sight of the fact that saying nothing also has consequences. Do you want to live out the rest of your life wishing that you had said something decades ago? We have received emails from couples who have been married for 30+ years and are only now learning how to communicate about sex and build the awesome sex life God intends for them. They could have been having great sex that whole time, but they didn’t go for it.

Don’t let time slip away.

Point 3c: Avoiding rejection actually lowers your self-esteem, whereas facing your fear increases your self-esteem.

You can praise God and feel good about yourself no matter how the conversation goes. When you act in faith, your faith grows. Each time you talk with your spouse about sex it gets easier and more comfortable.

Point 4: Reveal your feelings without being needy.

This is about how you close out the conversation.

“I love you, and I want to have a great sex life with you. I will do what it takes to be a great lover and to bring you pleasure. Let’s take our sex life to the next level together. What do you say?”

And then just listen and accept the response you get. If your spouse is on board, then awesome! If your spouse is hesitant, then reaffirm your love and keep working on yourself. If your spouse rejects you, bring your tears to God.

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