Do Whatever It Takes to Give Your Wife as Many Orgasms as She wants 1

Husbands, I’ll be very direct: if you wife isn’t having regular orgasms then she isn’t going to love having sex. She might enjoy the intimacy of sex, she might like to give you pleasure, she might do it out of obligation, but she isn’t going to love it.

“How often should we have sex?” There isn’t one right answer, but here’s what we say: each spouse should have as many orgasms as he or she wants. Often that means that the husband will have more orgasms than the wife does, and we think that’s fine as long as the wife has as many orgasms as she wants. In our marriage, I have an orgasm every day and Sexy Corte has an orgasm about twice a week on average. Her orgasm frequency can be pretty bursty though — sometimes she’ll have an orgasm four days in a row and get exhausted, and sometimes she won’t have an orgasm for a week and get really angsty. (It’s hot when she’s angsty).

This formula is pretty simple to follow as long as everything is going smoothly, but from experience and reader emails we’ve noticed two common problems that lead to wives not having all the orgasms they want:

  1. Some wives give up because they feel self-conscious about the effort required.
  2. Some wives give up because their husbands don’t put in the effort required.

When a wife gives up on having the orgasms she wants it’s very easy for her to become disillusioned with sex and resentful towards her husband. It’s a fact of biology and relationships that men tend to orgasm more easily than women, and husbands and wives should both be sensitive to this reality.

Let’s look at problem #1 first: yes, sometimes it’s a lot of work for a woman to reach orgasm, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes it takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes it requires a vibrator. Sometimes it requires oral or fingers. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s exhausting. Sometimes the kids won’t go to sleep. Sometimes it’s easier to just watch TV.

“Why are male orgasms so easy and female orgasms so hard?!” I don’t know, but get over it! Wife, you don’t need to feel guilty or selfish for wanting an orgasm even if it’s difficult. Some women we’ve heard from didn’t think they could have orgasms at all, but it turned out they only needed a little coaching and openness. It isn’t “noble” or “selfless” for a wife to talk herself out of a satisfying sex life, so don’t make yourself a martyr. Take ownership of your needs, talk with your husband, and be open to trying new things. Get the orgasms you want!

Solving problem #2 starts with a question for husbands: Does your wife know that you’ll do whatever it takes to give her an orgasm? Maybe you’ve given her signs that make her think her orgasms as too much work and she’s pulled back from what she really wants. Maybe you’ve been too quick to accept her hesitation when she does want an orgasm but isn’t sure you’re willing to put in the work. Maybe you haven’t been creative or skillful enough. A wife who is self-conscious or reluctant to speak up for herself might interpret these kinds of behaviors as a lack of desire on your part to give her pleasure. She might think that you think her orgasms are too much trouble.

Husband: be direct and explicit. Tell your wife frequently that you want to pleasure her and you’ll do whatever it takes.

And then enthusiastically do whatever it takes!

As long as what the wife desires involves only the two of you, is consensual, leads to mutual satisfaction, and is done in faith then you should do it. Be proactive. Don’t make your wife nag you. Be a student of her sexuality and put in the effort to become proficient with her body!

For a husband or wife who feels they need a little education, check out this post: All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams).

“If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.” Husbands: if you want to maximize your sex life you need to do whatever it takes to give your wife as many orgasms as she wants. Wives: if you aren’t getting the orgasms you really want then you need to speak up and be a little more selfish!

Leave a comment and let us know if you are putting in the effort in your marriage to give you spouse all the orgasms he or she wants.

Happy New Year 2020: Share Your Best of 2019 2

Happy New Year to all our readers! We hope your Christmas was amazing and that 2020 is a blessed year for your marriage. Thank you for reading our blog and for sharing your experiences and challenges with us. If you enjoy our blog or podcast please share them with a friend!

It’s incredibly gratifying to hear from our readers, whether it’s in celebration or heartbreak. Please use this comment thread to share your best sexual experience from 2019 and any sexual goals you may have for your marriage in 2020.

We’ll go first!

Best sexual experience from 2019: Having sex on a paddle-boat in a lake after midnight under a full moon. The whole night was amazingly intimate, and the lake sex topped it off.

Sexual goals for 2020: Learning for El Fury to give and Sexy Corte to receive orgasms more easily in a greater variety of positions. We’re making progress on this existing goal, and we’re going to continue in 2020.

Your turn! (If you don’t see the comments section, scroll all the way down on the individual post and click “load comments”.)

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 3

It’s time for a Christmas edition of the best Christian sex links we find around the interwebs! There are some pretty great ideas here.

4 Things to Do When You’re Too Tired for Sex — not instead of sex, but suggestions for managing your time and energy more effectively.

Transform Your Negative Reactions into Greater Intimacy — “How can he ask that? Doesn’t he ever listen to me? Why is he thinking about that all of a sudden? I don’t even want to think about that!

Make Your Home Sex-Friendly for Holiday Guests — Beds, locks, privacy, clean sheets. We also suggest a box of baby wipes on the nightstand.

Two posts about hand jobs — is there something in the air?

And since it’s Christmas: How To Give Your Husband a Blowjob. What’s a similar act of service for a husband to bless his wife with? Sexy Corte doesn’t enjoy cunnilingus in a similar fashion, so does anyone have any suggestions?

A few sexy advent calendars:

Tips for wives on how to initiate sex, and a podcast episode for a wife who wants to seduce her husbandBe proactive!

Can We Get More Christians Talking About Sex? — Readers, please consider sharing our blog and podcast with your friends!

The Origin of Spanksgiving 4

Background: Last week we wrote a serious post about giving thanks for your spouse’s sexuality, but this week is intended to be more tongue-in-cheek — Sexy Corte thinks this post will get me in trouble, which is why there’s a disclaimer. It’s inspired by Sexy Corte playfully wishing me “Happy Spanksgiving” when we woke up on Thanksgiving morning. Remember that role-playing or games with submissive elements like this are intended to be playful and enjoyable for both spouses — and feel free to swap the roles if you desire!

Everyone knows that Spanksgiving is observed the week after Thanksgiving, but many people aren’t familiar with the origin of this beloved tradition and aren’t sure how to celebrate it with their spouse.

Hundreds of years ago when the pilgrims first came to America their lives were very difficult and survival was uncertain. Because of God’s grace and their own hard work, the pilgrims were eventually able to thrive in their new home. On the day after their great celebratory feast, pilgrim wives were eager to make a special display of thanks for everything their husbands had done throughout the previous year. They met together and decided that as a show of devotion, thanks, and submission each wife would present her butt to her husband for ceremonial spanking — and this was the beginning of Spanksgiving!

A modern wife who wants to demonstrate gratitude to and for her husband will still follow this tradition. The details have varied over time, but most Spanksgiving celebrations include similar elements. In front of her husband the wife will remove all her clothes, and as she removes each piece of clothing she will thank him for something he has done for her that year. When she is naked, she will lay herself across his lap to present her butt for spanking. Then the wife will ask the husband for a number of spankings that corresponds to her gratitude for him, with the traditional number being around 10 — perhaps a bit more or fewer depending on her level of thankfulness. The husband will then deliver the appropriate number of spanks while the wife counts them out loud. The spanks will be applied with a firm hand, and the wife will often request them to be done harder if she doesn’t believe they are fully capturing the essence of how thankful she is. When the spankings are complete the husband and wife will cuddle and make love, concluding the ceremony.

What a beautiful tradition! Now that you know the origin of Spanksgiving you can feel more confident honoring the custom in your own marriage. Leave a comment to share your experiences with Spanksgiving!

Give Thanks for your Spouse's Sexuality 5

The Bible has a lot to say about giving thanks to God for His blessings in our lives.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:17

“Whatever you do” includes your sex life with your spouse! To celebrate Thanksgiving, here’s a list of 10 elements of your sex life that you can thank God and your spouse for. For each item, write down something specific that your spouse is or does that you are especially thankful for.

  1. Body: What parts of your spouse’s body are you most thankful for?
  2. Appearance: What about your spouse’s appearance are you most thankful for?
  3. Behavior: What sexual behaviors of your spouse are you most thankful for?
  4. Words: What sexual words of your spouse are you most thankful for?
  5. Intimacy: What forms or moments of intimacy with your spouse are you most thankful for?
  6. Giving pleasure: What ways do you give pleasure to your spouse that you are thankful you can do?
  7. Receiving pleasure: What ways does your spouse give you pleasure that you’re thankful for?
  8. Position: What sexual position are you most thankful for?
  9. Sexual activities: What sex games or activities that you do with your spouse are you most thankful for?
  10. Trying hard: What is your spouse working on sexually for your benefit that you’re thankful for? Not that your spouse has necessarily accomplished it yet, but you’re thankful that they’re trying.

There’s no need to stop at 10 — maybe these will just get you started! If you want to share your thanks, leave a comment and let us know what a blessing your spouse is to you.

One Simple Trick for Showering with Your Spouse 6

We’ve written about shower sex and the human loofah, but this post is focused on how to actually get clean while showering with your spouse.

If you’ve showered together then you probably know what can go wrong: you bump in to each other a lot, and you have to wait for access to the soap and water. Horrible! Sexy Corte and I have developed a shower dance that deconflicts our use of shower resources, and there’s one simple trick that makes it all possible: we get in and out of the shower at different times.

If we get into the shower at the same time, then we both want access to the water and soap at the same time too, and one of us has to wait on the other. However, if we stagger our entrances to the shower then our work is syncopated and we aren’t both trying to do the same thing at the same time. Magic! Usually I let Sexy Corte get in first, and then I get in after she gets wet. (Ahem.) In this way, we can naturally alternate our use of water and soap so that neither of us has to wait on the other.

Here’s an example sequence of events. As you can see, because we get in at different times we can easily take turns doing activities that require the water (bolded).

  • Sexy Corte gets in the shower and gets wet. El Fury does whatever, outside the shower.
  • Sexy Corte shampoos her hair. El Fury gets in and gets wet.
  • Sexy Corte rinses her hair. El Fury soaps his face.
  • Sexy Corte conditions her hair. El Fury rinses his face.
  • Sexy Corte rinses her hair. El Fury soaps his body.
  • Sexy Corte soaps her body. El Fury rinses his body.
  • Sexy Corte rinses her body. El Fury gets out.
  • Sexy Corte turns the water up to 200 degrees, washes her face, etc. El Fury dries off.

This post sure is exciting, isn’t it? Well, here’s a sex angle: if taking a shower with your spouse is easy and convenient, you’re more likely to have sex in the shower.

Do you take showers with your spouse? Leave a comment!

Update: In the comments Ann points out that I missed an incredibly important tip:

She soaps her body & he soaps his own? Boring!! Soaping each other is very sensual. You could condition her hair & massage her scalp—in case you aren’t aware, a woman getting her hair washed at the salon by a hairdresser is often compared to being almost as good as sex!! Much better that she think of the last shower with her husband when she is leaned back for that salon experience—she could come home wanting her new hairdo messed up…😉

The Four Levels of Sexual Interest 7

In our marriage we’ve noticed that we have basically four levels of sexual interest, and the level we’re at generally determines how we have sex each day. We believe these interest levels can be a useful tool for communicating with your spouse when he or she isn’t able to read your mind. This post will describe the four levels we experience, and then present a table that illustrates how the the levels affect the sexual activities in our marriage.

Level 0: Wants no sex. At Level 0 you actively do not want to have sex. Level 0 might be due to illness or fatigue, or it might be the result of emotional distress or disconnection between spouses. Level 0 should be rare for healthy people, and if you’re frequently at Level 0 then you should take steps to figure out why and see what you can do to improve your sexual interest. Health issues can’t always be fixed, but they can often be mitigated. Emotional difficulties, tiredness, and disconnection from your spouse can be repaired, and you have a responsibility to work at it.

Level 1: Willing to have sex. At Level 1 you are willing to have sex with your spouse, but you’re not particularly aroused or needy yourself. In a well-functioning marriage Level 1 should be the minimum you aim for, for the benefit of your spouse. Say yes to sex. At Level 1 you’re willing to have sex, even if you aren’t likely to initiate it yourself. In our experience, Sexy Corte generally doesn’t want an orgasm when she’s at Level 1, but sometimes she decides she does want one after she gets warmed up. Women are often more sexually responsive than spontaneous, so don’t neglect the wife’s orgasm just because she may not want one immediately.

Level 2: Wants to have sex. At Level 2 you’re feeling aroused or horny and you want to have sex. A healthy person should hit Level 2 periodically, perhaps in sync with ovulation, other bodily rhythms, or relationship events. When you’re at Level 2 you’re likely to initiate sex, either directly or with indications of interest that your spouse should learn to read. When Sexy Corte is at Level 2 she generally knows that she wants an orgasm. You can encourage Level 2 interest in many ways, including flirtation, foreplay, sleeping naked, and flashing. If you’re not at Level 2 and your spouse is, open yourself up to being elevated.

Level 3: Ready for anything. At Level 3 you aren’t just aroused, you’re Down to Pound. Or DTF, as the young people say. You’ve got high sexual energy and want to do something special. When you’re at Level 3 you want to invest time and create an exciting sexual experience with your spouse. This is the time to try out a sex game, sexual role-playing, a new position, a new location, or whatever else is on your sexual bucket list. It might seem like the stars need to align just right for you both to be at Level 3, but we recommend that you aim for this at least once a month.

Now that we’ve described the four levels of sexual interest, he’s a table that shows how these levels generally impact the sexual activities in our marriage.

The Four Levels of Sexual Interest 8

This table shows how our sex life works in general — yours may be different. You can use this table as a tool to have a conversation with your spouse about how the two of you will act when you’re at each of these levels of sexual interest. There are a few features of our table that are worth pointing out.

  • Sexy Corte’s arousal turns me on. If Sexy Corte is turned on then it’s almost inevitable that my arousal will rise to meet her.
  • When we have sex, I always have an orgasm. This may not be true in every marriage, but it’s true for us. The way we think of it is that each of us should have as many orgasms as he or she wants. I want to have an orgasm every time we have sex, but Sexy Corte doesn’t. As long as we both get an orgasm when we want one the system is working well.
  • If we’re both willing, we lean towards having sex. When we’re both at Level 1 we make an effort to have sex. This usually means that I’ll initiate and we’ll have a fairly vanilla encounter; we believe that setting the expectation for sex is very healthy for our marriage. We’ve created a habit of daily sex, and not having sex is the exception.
  • When Sexy Corte has high energy, we do something special! These are the days when we try all the crazy or weird activities that you read about here on our blog. Hopefully we can hit this level once or twice a month, and it’s awesome when we do.

How do you and your spouse make decisions about sexual activities? Have you talked about it explicitly? Leave a comment and share your experiences.

Autumn Time-Change Sex 9

I suppose we should have posted this last week for maximum impact, but the return to Standard Time each Autumn is a great opportunity to plan some morning sex! Since you gain an hour of sleep Saturday night you’re likely to wake up early Sunday morning anyway. Prepare yourselves for the morning by sleeping naked and locking your door to prevent early-rising children from spoiling your fun.

Three More Female Perspectives on Giving Oral Sex 10

As long-time readers know, oral sex is one of the most frequent topics that we get asked about by both husbands and wives — specifically about a wife performing oral sex on her husband. Two of the most popular posts on the topic are “Yes, You Should Swallow” and “What Do Wives Think of Swallowing Semen?” In the spirit of that second link, we thought it would be worthwhile to share a few posts from Reddit that dig deeper into women’s thoughts on performing oral sex. Unlike most of our content these posts aren’t specific to the context of marriage, but we think they provide a valuable perspective that might be helpful to our readers.

First, “Enthusiasm is KEY – blowjobs (Female perspective)”. She makes a very good point: husband, if you want more oral sex, show more enthusiasm!

So I know how most of the connections made between enthusiasm and blowjobs are aimed at women. How do you give a good blowjob? Be enthusiastic. Want it. Etc. And that’s all very valid. But it’s important to remember that male enthusiasm makes a big difference too. [snip]

One day, I decided I’d try and make him come from a blowjob, on his birthday. I was still thinking as if a good blowjob had to be earned, or be on a special day or something. Crazy how much ideas can get into your head. So I looked up tips for good blowjobs and eventually found The Blowjob Manifesto. I studied for an afternoon and then proceeded to give him The Blowjob that changed my life.

He had an orgasm, and was flabbergasted. He told me he never came from blowjobs, especially not after having some alcohol. That I’d blown his mind and that it felt amazing. During the blowjob, he’d also been moaning and making light surprised noises. I felt my ego swell up like a balloon. I felt giddy. Happy. We snuggled and went to sleep. Some time (months) after that, I realised I actually wanted to blow him. That’s when I decided “f*** the rules” (that I’d been following without second thought, about earning them or special days), I’ll just give a blowjob when I want to give one. It’s not just his, it’s also mine.

I love blowjobs now.

Second, here’s the “Blowjob Manifesto” that was mentioned in the previous link. There’s a ton of direct, practical advice here, including encouragement near the end to ask for feedback.

While reading the “What’s your #1 sex tip for the opposite sex” post, I saw a lot of guys begging women to incorporate what I believed to be basic beej technique into their blowjob routines. In response, I have created a guide to giving good head. Hopefully, my years of…extensive field research…will benefit you in some small way. [snip to the end]

A lot of people are afraid to ask for feedback at all, let alone mid-beej. But there are tons of sexy ways to get him to tell you what he likes! Ask, “Oh, you like that baby?” when trying something new. Say, “Does it feel better when I go like this…or like this?” with a coy smile on your face. Want to be dirty? Be specific, “Do you like it when I [do this move] to your cock baby?”. Also, guys just love hearing the word “cock” in general.

Third, “Giving Oral as Both a Kink and a Comfort”.

So I have a very prominent oral fixation. When I’m attracted to a man, I find extreme pleasure in giving him a blowjob/making out for hours. I could (and have) cum untouched just from how aroused I get by sucking him or kissing him. I don’t know what it is about the idea of how excited he gets, or the feel of him swelling, or just the submission of it, but I’ve often cum in sync. And when I don’t have anyone I’m sexually into, I absentmindedly chew or suck on things. I’m always snacking, drinking, sucking, chewing on my fingers, etc.

But the weird part is it’s not just a fetish for me, but like, a comfort? does anyone else experience that? I find the act of giving a blowjob soothing as well as stimulating, and I could probably easily fall asleep like that.

If any of our female readers would like to add their perspective to the discussion, please leave a comment below.