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In our last post we wrote about praying explicitly for your sexual desires, and after you talk with God it’s time to talk with your spouse! This post will give you some ideas for how to do that. (You should also check out How To Talk With Your Spouse About Sex.)

In this post we’re going to continue using the same examples we used previously, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex. One of these is a desire for more of a specific sex act, and the other is a general desire for more orgasms — hopefully you can adapt the ideas in this post to whatever your personal circumstances are.

Remember the key verses we discussed:

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

After you’ve shared your explicit requests with God, here are some concrete conversational steps you can take to share them with your spouse.

  • Pray first. Read the previous post on praying for your sexual desires, and ask God before you ask your spouse. Remember: God wants your sex life with your spouse to be awesome.
  • Go in with the right attitude. Let your words demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit: kind, gentle, loving, joyful, patient.
    • “I really enjoy having sex with you.”
    • “Our sex life is really important to me, and I’m eager to make it as awesome as possible.”
    • “I think you’re very sexy. You’re the only person I ever want to have sex with.”
    • “I have something I’d like to ask you for. It’s something that’s important to me that I want to share with you.”
    • “I’ve been praying about our sex life, and there’s something I want to ask you.”
    • “It’s ok if you don’t respond right now. You can take time to think and pray about it yourself.”
    • “I’d also love to know anything I can do for you.”
  • Be direct, specific, and explicit with your request. Your spouse can’t read your mind! Maybe you’ve been giving hints and leaving clues, but you aren’t married to Sherlock Holmes. It takes courage to let yourself be vulnerable by speaking your desires out-loud to your spouse and facing possible rejection. Hopefully your spouse will appreciate your openness!
    • “I really enjoy when you give me a blowjob, and I’d like you to do that more often.”
    • “I really like having an orgasm with you, and I’d like to do that more often.”
    • “Would you be willing to do that once a week?” “Once a month?” “Every time we have sex?”
    • “I’d like to have three orgasms each week. Would you be willing to try that?”
    • “You often do X, but would you consider doing Y instead?”
  • Listen for your spouse’s response. Your spouse may enthusiastically agree to your request… or maybe not. Maybe your spouse will have questions or concerns. Maybe your spouse just isn’t sure how to respond immediately. Be quiet and create conversational space for your spouse to think and respond. Don’t jump in with arguments or persuasion. Just listen. You’ve been thinking and praying about this for a long time, but this may be the first time your spouse has considered your desire. It might take several days for your spouse to respond — that’s ok! Chill.
  • Negotiate. After your spouse has responded in full, it’s time to negotiate. If your spouse simply agrees to your request, then shut up. Don’t talk past the sale. If your spouse is reluctant or unwilling, then you need to have a discussion about how you might be able to reach a compromise. You may not get everything you want, but maybe you can get some of what you want. The ins-and-outs of negotiation are beyond the scope of this post, but the point isn’t to change your spouse’s mind. The point is to find a compromise that is satisfying to both people. Don’t invalidate your spouse’s response, but explore the space and see what’s possible.
    • If your spouse simply agrees with your request: “That’s great, thank you so much. I love you.”
    • “Then would you be willing to give me a blowjob once a week?” “Once a month?”
    • “Would you be willing to give me an orgasm twice a week?”
    • “What if we reserve Friday nights for this?” “Or Saturday morning?”
    • “What if we try it a few times and see?” “Can we try it for a month and see how it goes?”
    • “How about if we do it occasionally, but not every time?”
    • “Is there anything I could do to make it easier or more appealing for you?”
    • “I understand, thanks for considering it.”
    • “Can we talk about this again in a few months?”
  • Make a specific and explicit agreement. Hopefully you’re able to find some kind of resolution that satisfies both of you, even if it’s just “try and see”. You don’t need to write a contract, but make sure that you’re on the same page so that expectations are aligned. You can always change things later, but you’ll both be frustrated and annoyed if your spouse thinks you’ve agreed to something you haven’t.
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you a blowjob every week.”
    • “Yes, I’d be happy to give you three orgasms every week.”
    • “Yes, let’s do this every Friday that we’re able to.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it on our next date.”
    • “Yes, let’s try it for a month and see how it goes.”
    • “Thanks for sharing this with me, I’m glad we talked.”
  • Be grateful and follow through. Needless to say, when you make an agreement you need to follow-through on it. Don’t make your spouse “remind” you. Be proactive, joyful, and enthusiastic. If you’re the receiving spouse, make sure you notice when you get what you asked for. Be grateful and joyful, and don’t forget to thank God for granting your request.
  • Keep praying. Pray without ceasing. Maybe your spouse agreed to your request… or maybe not. Either way, keep praying. God never gets tired of our requests, and he’s eager for your sex life with your spouse to be great! God is always at work, so keep your eyes open and thank him for what he’s doing around you every day.

Leave a comment and let us know how your explicit conversation goes!

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It can be really difficult to open up to your spouse and share your sexual desires, especially if you think your desires are weird or your spouse has previously declined. Vulnerability is tough, but the tips God gave us for talking to him are also applicable when communicating with your spouse.

James 4:2-3
(2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (3) You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

If it’s too hard to ask your spouse for something directly, you can practice through prayer! God is always willing to listen, and he’s happy when we share our desires with him and are willing to submit to his will. Yes — you can pray specifically and explicitly for your sex life with your spouse.

Here are two examples, taken from Level-Up Your Sex Life. In that post we write that the top need shared with us by wives is for more orgasms, and the top need shared with us by husbands is for more oral sex.

The wife could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my husband and our sex life together. I’m eager to have more orgasms with my husband, and I pray that you will bless our marriage and prompt my husband in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my husband’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

The husband could pray: Father in Heaven, thank you for my wife and our sex life together. I’m eager for her to perform oral sex on me more frequently, and I pray that you would open her up to this idea and prompt her in this way. Please also help me to know and satisfy my wife’s sexual desires more fully. Amen.

Praying openly and honestly to God can help you become more courageous when speaking to your spouse. Pray out loud and get used to saying the words, instead of only thinking them to yourself. And don’t forget verse 3 from above: God is not quick to bless selfish prayers.

Ultimately, you’re probably going to have to speak directly to your spouse. He or she can’t read your mind, and may have no idea what you want — even if you’ve hinted at it a hundred times. God may very well grant your prayer by granting you courage to have a frank conversation. In the next post, we’ll talk more about what this conversation might look like. (See: Talk Explicitly About Your Sexual Desires.)

Do you pray for your sex life? Are you confident enough to share your deepest desires with your spouse? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Here’s a daring activity for your next date: bring a vibrator for the wife to use in the passenger seat while the husband is driving. It seems pretty self-explanatory, but here are some ideas to make the most of it.

  • Prepare your sex kit. Bring her favorite vibrator, some lube, and some washcloths to clean up.
  • Dress appropriately. That is, the wife should wear a dress or skirt and either remove her panties when she gets in the car, or simply go without — either way can be very sexy.
  • Put him in the drivers seat. Even though the wife is holding the vibrator, put the husband in charge of controlling how she uses it. Let the husband decide what power level to use, where she places the vibrator and her fingers, and when or if the wife can have an orgasm. If the wife wants something, she can ask … or beg. He can tell her to go faster or slower, how to to use her fingers, or to get right to the edge of orgasm.
  • Put on a show. The husband should be focused on driving safely, and the wife should do her best to put on a show for him — presentation is everything! She should pull up her dress, throw her legs open, and moan his name loudly as she pleasures herself. Ask the husband what he wants to hear — his name, moaning, purring, or her begging to feel him inside her.
  • Private in public. The wife’s head and shoulders will be visible, but her lower body will be hidden and no one will be able to hear her moaning. This makes for an exciting but safe way to explore sex in public.
  • Arriving at her destination. When she’s close and he’s ready, the husband can give his wife permission to orgasm. Maybe the ride out is a just a warm-up, and she doesn’t get to finish until the ride home. Either way, she should make her orgasm part of the show for him — make it long, and loud, and sensual… whatever will drive him wild.
  • Afterwards. Did you just start your date, or are you home? The husband will be pretty aroused by this point, so I hope the wife is ready for it. If you’re home, well, you know what to do. If you’re still out… it’s time to turn the heat up even higher.

If this idea turns on you and your spouse, here are a few other posts that might connect with you:

If you try this yourself, leave us a comment and let us know how it goes.

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Sexy Corte’s favorite foreplay is what we call “comfy position”:  we lie down on our sides, face-to-face, and cuddle with her top leg over my hip while my lubed finger plays with her lady bits. Usually I’m on my left side and she’s on her right side; she rests her head on my left arm and cuddles up against me, and I reach between her legs with my right hand. We use a bunch of lube so my fingers are slick, and then I rub her gently until she wants me to stop.

Comfy position is relaxing and easy on our bodies, so we can do it for as long as Sexy Corte likes. She doesn’t choose to reach orgasm this way, but she finds it hypnotic and relaxing. It’s pretty similar to how I feel when she’s giving me a blowjob, but it’s a lot less work! She could orgasm in this position if we persisted (or used a vibrator) but we seem to use it exclusively for foreplay. We call it “Phase 1” of our usual sex routine.

We’ve written about orgasmic meditation, but it’s not a practice that has really stuck with us. I think comfy position has taken its place as foreplay, and it achieves many of the same goals for Sexy Corte and myself. I enjoy pleasuring her, and she enjoys receiving pleasure in a relaxing, comfortable position.

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There’s nothing more wholesome and heartwarming than hearing from a reader that you’ve helped make a significant improvement in his or her sex life.

I expect most of Stavvy’s World is NSFW, but I figured this was worth sharing. Here is YouTube’s attempt at an auto-generated transcript, lightly edited by me for clarity:

Remember the guest, the man who was in a relationship where he never got his dick sucked by his wife? And you made some comments like, you know, 20-30 seconds is good enough.

I was listening to that episode in the car with my wife and she heard that, and she had an epiphany, like she didn’t realize you could suck a man’s dick for just 20 seconds and it’d be okay, like he doesn’t have to finish.

I’ve been married for 15 years, I’m an old man, this is awesome her hearing that, and she asked me like, does does it actually count if it’s only like 20-30 seconds?

I’m like yeah it counts!

I had the same type of wife who never wanted to suck my dick, and I’ve been married so long I just made peace with it so long ago. But both of us hearing that episode it’s like, man, it’s like every time brother, like hell yes dude, not a time goes by when we have sex that she doesn’t suck my dick now, for even like half a minute, it’s great.

It’s awesome!

The reaction from the hosts is priceless, and we get it — we love hearing from readers who have been blessed by our content, too!

In Level-Up Your Sex Life we wrote about the what husbands and wives write to us about the most:

  • Husbands want more blowjobs
  • Wives want more orgasms

Blowjobs to completion are awesome, but don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good! As Flight of the Conchords taught us, “two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven”.

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It turns me on to think that after we have sex, Sexy Corte will be feeling it for the rest of the day. “Feeling it” can include a wide range of phenomena:

  • Lingering arousal, her own wetness
  • My fluids leaking out of her over time
  • Mild(!) vaginal soreness
  • Sore butt from spanking
  • Muscle tiredness
  • Jaw ache
  • Just the thought of my semen inside her

As I write out this list, it strikes me that some of these after-effects may be unpleasant for my wife; I’m not sure what to make of that. We’ve written a bit about drawing on your spouse’s body and marking your territory, so maybe that’s part of it. It just turns me on to think that Sexy Corte’s body is constantly pulling her attention back to our recent sexual encounter. Like maybe she’s occasionally thinking throughout the day, “Man, he sure fucked me good.”

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Create a “sex menu” to treat your spouse to a special night that really hits the spot. Your spouse will love having a bunch of delicious activities to choose from, and you’ll both be able to enjoy the anticipation all day if you share the menu in advance.

Your menu should include four courses:

  • Appetizer: I’m sure you know what kind of foreplay your spouse enjoys, so put a few of his or her favorites on the menu for the opening course.
  • Entree: The entree is the main event of the evening: it can be a favorite sex position, a game, a role-playing scenario, or whatever you want to offer your spouse.
  • Her Dessert: If Sexy Corte wants an orgasm, she always has hers before I have mine. If you’re like us, then the first dessert selection should be tailored to the wife’s orgasmic needs (unless she doesn’t choose to have one). If the wife is creating the menu as a treat for her husband, it can be especially sweet to offer to let him choose how she comes. The menu can include toys, positions, or even orgasmic vocalizations.
  • His Dessert: What better way to end your sexual meal than with the husband’s orgasm? Of course there’s the question of how he wants to come and in what position, but he can also be offered a selection of places to ejaculate: her mouth, vagina, body, butt, or whatever she’s up for offering.

Consider including a Daily Special — this should be something that… well… you aren’t eager to do every day but that is available now for a limited time only.

As for the menu itself, there are a ton of options.

  • Text or email: A wonderful distraction to receive at work.
  • Printed menu: Turn the menu into a craft and create a souvenir for your spouse — and a prop that you can use again in the future.
  • Write on your body: This option might be the most sensual: write the course selections all around your body for your spouse to find and consider.

Wives may also consider “How to Present Your Body to Your Husband For His Admiration” to play up the sexy-server angle. If you’re lucky, your husband might give you more than just a tip!

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Doctors say that bras may be bad for breast health. Hey, it’s science!

Ditching a bra could make your breasts perkier, experts have claimed.

Women’s health specialists and plastic surgeons have suggested that the tight pressure from a bra can weaken tissues around the breasts over time, causing them to droop.

The uplifted look is also said to be due to the gradual strengthening of back muscles that happens when you’re unsupported, improving posture.

If only some scientist were courageous and dedicated enough to devote a lifetime to studying breasts. Oh wait!

A 15-year study conducted by Dr Jean-Denis Rouillon, a sports science expert from the University of Besançon, France, revealed that bras did more harm than good when it came to perkiness.

In the study, he examined changes in the breasts of hundreds of women over many years.

He concluded that women who didn’t wear bras had nipples that were seven milliliters higher than those who did.

Dr Rouillon said in a radio interview: ‘Medically, physiologically, anatomically—breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra.’

What about personal testimony?

Dr Lucky Sekhon, a board-certified OB/GYN and reproductive endocrinologist, told Well+Good that people have long believed the opposite – that not wearing a bra causes drooping.

This, she says, is a common misconception.

Women who have gone long periods without wearing a bra often report that this leads their breasts to being firmer, rounder, and perkier over time.’

So there you have it — unless you hate health and science, you should stop wearing a bra.

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