El Fury and I started a list of sexy-time activities. It’s an active list that we add to when we think of something sexual we want to try. The idea is that whenever we are in the mood for something different, we have a plethora of ideas to choose from.
The other night after the kids went to bed, we checked our first item off the list: “Naked Marco Polo”. As you can probably guess, we took turns being blind folded and chased each other around our bedroom, while being naked of course. I was a pretty easy target since I couldn’t stop laughing. However, I did manage to out-maneuver El Fury longer. We only lasted a few rounds until we got too distracted.
It’s fun to laugh and be playful with your spouse. This is the person you are spending your life with, you may as well have fun together!
In general, we aren’t big fans of sex in the shower. It is often a cramped space, so finding the right position is difficult. I am not a flexible person, so we are pretty limited. Also, even though it’s really wet, it’s not the right kind of wet. (side note: if you do enjoy sex in the shower, we found a lube called Gun Oil works great.) In most cases, we use the shower for foreplay.
There are, however, certain occasions when the shower comes in really handy. On our last trip to visit family, we were having a hard time getting in our normal sexy time. Between sleeping on a twin bed and twin air mattress, the thin walls, and all the people around, it was not exactly an environment conducive to bedroom activities.
As we were getting ready, El Fury hopped in the shower with me. We were discussing our frustrations and realized we had an opportunity right then and there. The door was locked, the fan and shower muffled the noise, we were both already naked. I bent over and we did it. The spontaneity of it made it really hot too!
Shower sex is great in the right situation. But, I still prefer it on dry land.
Gerad at the blog mission:husband has an insightful post for wives titled 11 Thoughts Out of Your Husband’s Head. Now, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to improve your communication with your spouse so that there’s nothing you’re afraid to ask… but until you get to that point a list like this can be pretty helpful. You and your spouse might even consider writing lists for each other if it’s hard to say some things out loud (at first).
Here are a couple of points I’ll add to his list.
- We men like to leave our mark. That’s why we want you to swallow, and we shoot our seed deep inside you. Hours later, we like to hear that you’re sore, your muscles are tired and tingly, and our come is still leaking out. We like to hear that you’re still affected by our powerful lovemaking long after it’s over. This is the same motivation that drives men to conquer new lands and build skyscrapers.
- Enthusiasm is the key to doing almost anything well with us. Whether its sex or helping to fix the dishwasher, when we’re doing something together your enthusiasm is really important. Even though it wasn’t your idea, and it isn’t very exciting to pass us tools while we’re shoulder-deep under an appliance, your enthusiasm will be greatly appreciated. I’m going to write a post about enthusiasm during sex later.
And finally, a modification to his point 11:
11. Sometimes he wishes you’d just give him a hand-job – Yes, again, that’s what I said. Hey, I told you I’m being honest here. If you know it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, and you know he’s frustrated about it, but you still don’t feel like having sex (period, bad timing, etc), don’t ask, just roll over to his side of the bed, and offer him a hand-job. I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter if your mind is “into it”, or if your “emotionally ready”, or whatever other thing you might try to throw in there for a reason that you just don’t feel like giving him one.
Never really been a fan of hand-jobs… get down there and suck your husband off.
That is what I used to think. Fortunately for me, I have a husband who is diligent and cares about my orgasm as well as his own. It didn’t take long for him to figure out how to bring me to climax manually (my thoughts: “oh, that’s where the clitoris is!”) However, it took a while for us to figure out how to get me there with intercourse. We tried a lot of different positions, but unless my clit is directly stimulated, I am not able to orgasm.
One night we were trying to be efficient (let’s face it, reaching climax manually takes some time!) and we tried using a “silver bullet” vibrator while I was on top. WOW! It was a totally different type of orgasm. Now this is my favorite position. I try to savor it, but sometimes I reach climax embarrassingly fast. This is a long ways from when I used to think I would never be able to orgasm.
God made our bodies to be able to experience pleasure inside of marriage. Sometimes it takes work to figure out how to experience that pleasure! I’m so glad we kept trying!
El Fury and I started reading “Sheet Music”. The book starts out describing a married couple that used to have sexual difficulty. The problem was that the wife wanted more sexual variety, and her husband was mis-reading her signals. After the husband went to counseling, a light came on, and now they have a fantastic sex life. However, they spent the first 15 years of their marriage not enjoying mediocre sex!
Communicate! It is startling that many people aren’t able to communicate about sex with their spouse. You are already naked, vulnerable, making strange noises, in awkward positions. This is not the time to be shy! If at one point during that 15 years the wife would have said “ooo, that feels good” or “why don’t we try it this way?” Or perhaps the husband could have asked “how does this feel?” or “where do you want me to touch you?” Something so simple could have made that 15 years sexually awesome!
Be bold! The more you communicate, the more comfortable it is to talk about. Being explicit with each other can be a big turn on too.
Stay tuned. I’m sure we will post more as we read more of “Sheet Music”.
Athol Kay writes a lot about alpha and beta behaviors in the marriage relationship, and especially the need to find a balance. Women are often attracted to the “bad boy” alphas, but pure alpha behavior doesn’t make for a stable long-term relationship. On the other hand, pure-beta behavior just isn’t attractive to anyone, and if it leads to stability in a marriage it will be a stable equilibrium of a frustrated, dominant wife and a frustrated, sex-deprived husband. As a husband, you have to put some strategic thought into selecting your beta behaviors.
Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.
What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.
It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.
This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.
I’ve got a lot more to say about “the five love languages” at a later point, so stay tuned!
Let’s face it: it’s difficult and awkward to have sex in the car. Sexy Corte and I don’t do it very often, but when we have it has been quite memorable. Several months ago we dropped our kids off with a friend for a quick “date night” to grab some ice cream for an hour, and we ended up making love in the car on a dead-end spur off a major road near our house. Every time we drive past the road it makes us laugh and turns us on.
So car sex can be difficult, but it’s worth it! Here are some tips:
- Keep some lube and wipes in the car. The best thing about lube is that it lets you be more spontaneous and a little quicker… although doing it in a semi-public place gets Sexy Corte pretty wet anyway. Baby wipes are handy for clean-up.
- A skirt or dress makes sex in the car a lot more convenient. Skirts and dresses are great for spontaneous quickies in any circumstance, but one of the most awkward parts of car sex is getting your clothes out of the way. A skirt or dress minimizes this problem.
- Putting your wife on top is one of the easiest car sex positions available. You can sit in a seat, slide your butt out a little, and then your wife can straddle you pretty easily, forwards or backwards. This position will let you play with her clit while she rides you and should be fun for everyone.
- The lean-over blow job is one of the best car sex positions. The name describes it all: your wife simply leans over into your lap and sucks you off. I don’t recommend doing this while you’re driving, but… we have, and it was pretty awesome. But don’t do it, it’s dangerous.
- Go to the back. If you have a van or SUV then you’ve got plenty of space to try just about any position imaginable. If your car is smaller, you may struggle to get into missionary position in the back seat, but you’ll have better luck with doggie-style.
Tell us about a time and place you’ve done it in your car! Do you have any tips to share?
In addition to El Fury’s post about the Master Bedroom being the Sex Room, I wanted to add a few other thoughts. There are other ways in which we make this room our Sex Room.
Having nightstands with drawers gives us a lot of concealed storage for various sex props. We keep a lot of toys, fun books, lube, etc. in our nightstands. It’s nice to have these things readily accessible in the heat of the moment.
I think our bedroom looks sexy too. We picked out the bedding and the furniture together, so it’s our room. We try to keep it tidy too, so at least for me, when I walk into our bedroom I don’t think about what I need to do to clean it up. I think about what I want to do, or about what I liked doing.
I’ve heard that for most women, sex starts long before sex actually starts. There are two things that definitely make me anticipate sexy time with El Fury more.
- Flirting. I absolutely love it when my husband flirts with me. It makes me feel like I did when we are first dating. I get all giggly and melty. It doesn’t take much effort, but it makes the mood of whatever we are doing that much better. Little things like a wink, a pat on the rear or playful banter help us make small connections during the day that turn me on for alone time later.
- Conversation. I love talking to my husband. Especially when I can get lost in our conversation. Most of the time it is easy to get caught up in talking about schedules, tasks, the kids. That’s part of the business of having a family. But, it’s important to talk about other things! We try to find interesting things to talk about that make the conversation exciting. El Fury and I listen to podcasts, or talk about books we are reading. Even if we only get to talk while exercising or going somewhere in the car, it’s very sexy to be interested or to feel interesting.
Foreplay doesn’t have to be physical to get you in the mood. What do other spouses do to connect outside the bedroom?
Sexy Corte and I have a lot of married friends who are shocked and surprised when they learn that we always lock our bedroom door at night. It seems that most of our peers not only keep their doors unlocked, but often sleep with their doors open or with their kids in the sex bed!
This is wrong. How are you going to get it on when kids can burst in any any time? Or when kids are in bed with you? The master bedroom is a place of intimacy, privacy, and sexual abandon! It’s your pleasure garden. The kids need to be kept out.
You need to think of your master bedroom as the sex room. Sure, you should have sex all over the house when possible, but if you have kids then most of the time you’ll be getting it on in your sex room. Your bed is the sex bed. In the sex room, sex can happen at any time. The sex bed is for doing dirty deeds with your spouse, not cuddling your kids.
Your kids should rarely enter the sex room, and certainly not without permission. If you’re in the sex room, you should be either preparing to have sex, actually having sex, or half-conscious from amazing sex. (Or asleep, I guess.) You don’t want your kids walking in on that, do you?
Most of sex is mental and emotional, not physical. If you think of your bedroom as your sex room, guess what? Your mind and emotions will shift to make it true. Guard your intimacy and your privacy with your spouse, because if you don’t respect them then your kids certainly won’t.