Steak and Sex 1

El Fury: Steak is such an easy dinner. I mean, there’s no sauce, no ingredients, nothing.

Sexy Corte: Sure.

EF: You just stick it in for eight minutes, flip, five more minutes, and you’re done.

SC: Just like sex.

Licking Balls 2

El Fury never tires of having his balls licked. It is one of his favorite past times. He often describes his balls as aching for attention, and other than ejaculation, ball-licking is the only thing that can alleviate his discomfort. Our foreplay often consists of me licking El Fury’s balls while he rubs my clit. This is a win, win in my opinion. Here is what I’ve picked up over the years of ball licking.

  • Always use light pressure, caressing swoops, and cover as much surface area as possible. Be gentle, and treat them with loving care.
  • Using your tongue in circular motions over the whole ball gets major groans of satisfaction. Be fair and repeat on the other ball. Then repeat on the other ball. Then repeat on the other ball…
  • Once in a while it is fun to throw a little teaser in there and travel up to the head of El Fury’s penis, give a playful suck on the tip, then travel back down to resume ball licking. This seems to drive him crazy.
  • Occasionally I like to take a whole ball into my mouth and gently suck while swirling my tongue around. This technique works best if El Fury is standing up, but can also be fun while laying down.
  • If I can catch El Fury unawares while he is laying on our bed, I like to surprise him by crawling up him to give an aggressive (yet gentle) lick traveling up his balls and penis. This is one of my favorite ways to initiate sexy time.
  • It also drives El Fury crazy when I move my tongue very, very slowly over his balls. It makes him squirm a lot.
  • When I really want to build suspense, I move my tongue only around the base of his balls for a few minutes. This is sure to cause some not-so-subtle movements to try to get his balls in direct contact with my tongue. I hold off until he is on the brink of frustration, then give him a long, satisfying tongue swoop.
  • Tip for the men: shave. This makes you very sensitive.

In summary, any action involving your tongue and balls will make your husband very happy.

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain 3

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #002: How to Rub a Clitoris

Not having been born with one myself, it took some time and experience for me to learn how to properly pleasure a clitoris — and I imagine most husbands are in the same boat. In fact, some surveys of women indicate that their husbands don’t really give their clits enough of the right attention. Hopefully this post will solve this problem for all couples everywhere for all time!

(The usual caveats apply: every woman is different, so when you use this advice make sure you continue to pay attention to what your own wife actually likes.)

First, here’s a diagram of the area in question.

clitoris

If your wife is lying on her back, you’ll notice that the vagina itself is south of the clitoris. Husbands often want to focus on the vagina: that’s where it’s wet, warm, and receptive to penetration. The vagina is certainly a good place to spend some time during foreplay, especially to spread around some of her natural lubrication. However, for most women that’s not where the action is.

I’m sure that most men know where the clitoris is — as you can see in the diagram, it’s north of your wife’s vagina, between her labia. I’m sure you’ve used your tongue and fingers in this area many times, once you’ve gotten her wet (from her own juices, your mouth, or some lube). However, what you may not have know is that her clitoris has a “hood” that’s very similar to a man’s foreskin.

The clitoris often hides in its hood even when stimulated. This means that your best efforts are essentially being muffled by an extra layer of skin. Sure, this feels good… about as good as when she licks the shaft of your penis. It feels good, but not as good as when she sucks right on the head.

Fortunately you can pull back the hood and expose more of the clit. Sometimes you can do this just by pushing back and up along the top of the clit with your tongue or finger, sliding under the hood to touch the clit directly. However, it can be more effective if you use the fingers of your other hand to gently pull back and up on the skin around the hood and thereby pull the hood back indirectly along with the other skin. You probably don’t want to pull on the hood itself, but pull it along with the surrounding skin. This can be tricky because the area should be pretty slick to ensure her comfort. (Her clitoris and the surrounding skin is more sensitive than the head of your penis… would you want rough, callused, dry fingers rubbing you there?)

When you’re successful you’ll see her clitoris emerge from its shelter, exposed and ready for pleasure. You may need to maintain the pulling/pressure on the surrounding skin to keep the hood drawn back and prevent the clitoris from retreating. With the clitoris itself you need to be extremely gentle — the nerve density is much higher than anywhere on the male body. Make sure your wife is wet enough to enjoy your touch.

Here are a few tips for actually rubbing your wife’s clit. It’s not exactly rocket science, so ask her what she likes!

  • Lick the alphabet. This time-worn advice has apparently been passed down from generation to generation, and it means exactly what it says. Lick each letter of the alphabet across her clit.
  • Circular pattern. Dance around her clit in circles, reversing direction periodically. Use more of your finger than just the tip, because as you can see in the diagram above the clit is a line, not a point.
  • Up and down pattern. Slide the length of your finger (not just fingertip) up and down over her clit. This movement can also help push the hood back, but the downward stroke often pushes it back in place.
  • Fingertip or tongue flicking. Flick her clit with the tip of your finger or tongue. It seems like this is mostly a teaser move and your wife will likely pull you in for more pressure.
  • Suck her clit. Take the whole area into your mouth and suck. This will often pull the clit out of its hiding place and expose it to your tongue, but you can use your hand to pull back the hood if necessary. The suction will pull blood into the clit and make it more sensitive, just like when she sucks on you.
  • Two-finger slide. Place your index and middle fingers on either slide of her clit and squeeze, sliding up and down. You can also slide them down into her vagina periodically just to keep her guessing. The diagram above doesn’t show it, but the nerves in the clitoris are actually shaped like a wishbone and go down deeper into her body under the labia, so the two-finger slide can help stimulate the full length.
  • No retreat. This can be tricky and you want to be careful not to hurt her, but once you have the hood pulled back from her clit you can gently pinch the hood above her clit to prevent it from retreating. This move will let you use a little more force on the clit itself without it being able to get away.
  • Curl your tongue. It depends on your genes, but if you can curl your tongue you can surround your wife’s clit on every side.
  • With penetration. If your wife is like Sexy Corte, she’ll  reach orgasm more easily with you inside her. Put your penis or fingers in her while you rub or lick, and find the depth that works best with what you’re doing on the outside. This is the adult version of rubbing your head and patting your stomach at the same time. See also: Zoom Technique.
  • Endurance. Don’t give up! Some women can reach orgasm in just a few minutes, but most women will require 15 minutes to an hour of manual or oral stimulation to climax. Don’t ask her repeatedly “are you close yet?” Learn to read her body. Your wife might feel selfish or discouraged if it takes her a while to have an orgasm, so be sure to let her know how much you enjoy giving her pleasure.
  • Variation. In my experience it’s good to vary your technique and movements while your wife is warming up, but as she gets close to orgasm it’s best to stick with one pattern until she climaxes.

If you’ve got any tips to share please post them in the comments! I’m always eager to learn something new.

Against "Duty Sex" 4

When I wrote about conjugal rights I mentioned that the term includes more than a right to sex:

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

So there’s more than the right to sexual relations, but sex is certainly an important component of conjugal rights. If sex with your spouse is an obligation, then some people have coined a term for when you force yourself to have sex when you aren’t really interested: “duty sex”. Ugh! And let’s be honest… it’s usually wives who are expected to have “duty sex” with their husbands.

Dan at Frankly Speaking has written a great series on this unappealing concept, with four posts so far. (That link takes you to part four, and it includes links to the first three parts.) No one wants “duty sex”, neither giver nor receiver, neither husband nor wife, so how do we grow past it? How do we fulfill our obligation to satisfy our partner without making everyone miserable?

Dan’s target audience is wives, but I’m sure there are plenty of instances in which the husband is the one losing interest. Let me whet your appetite with a brief excerpt:

What does a wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feel like?

She feels in touch with her sensuous nature; her sexuality. She feels as if she is waiting for your touch and will ignite when that happens. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels like an arched back, hips rising and pushing to meet you. She feels like her body is always seeking the best position, just the right angle; constantly in motion to maximize both of your pleasures. A wife who feels sexual pleasure enjoys the feel of differing textures against her body. She feels warm and wet in all the right places. She feels as if she would take all of you in her if it were possible. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels inviting toward and desirous of her husband’s attentions.  Her body feels as if it is swelling with anticipation in preparation for those attentions. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure shows her husband so by not only finding pleasure in her orgasms but in seeing her husband wear those orgasms like a badge on his chest.

This is good stuff, especially for wives who just don’t know what their husbands will respond to — and husbands who may not know how to express their desires. There’s a lot more, so go read the whole series.

Fulfilling our spouse sexually is an obligation, but it should not and need not be done grudgingly. Our obligation is more than allowing our bodies to be used as sexual props. We also need to engage mentally and emotionally with our spouse and to pour our whole selves into the sexual relationship. The result should look nothing like “duty sex”.

Turn-offs 5

We talk a lot about sex and what turns us on, so I thought it would be good to address the flip side of that. I want to say first that this is not a retaliation post directed at El Fury.

  • Swearing/vulgarity – This is very unattractive for both men and women. I have always appreciated that El Fury doesn’t swear. He doesn’t need obnoxious filler words to express what he is saying. Now, in the right moment, talking a little dirty can be pretty sexy. Choose those moments wisely.
  • Low self esteem – There is a difference between this and humility. I think you can still be humble and have confidence.
  • Arrogance – While low self esteem is unattractive, don’t go over-board. Cockiness is just as bad. Again, a quiet confidence is very hot. From a woman’s perspective, It assures me that you are going to be able to make good decisions for our family, as well as take charge in the bedroom. I am sure this is just as unattractive on a woman.
  • Rejection – I am an affection giver. I frequently like to give hugs, pats and kisses to El Fury whenever he is within reach. If he is working in his office I like to give drive-by affection. On occasion if this isn’t well received, I feel a sense of rejection. It makes me uninterested in later sexy time. If you can’t accept a peck on the cheek now, why should I want to engage when it’s convenient for you? You should never be too busy that you won’t welcome a love pat from your spouse.
  • Disrespect – I am disappointed at how I see people treat their spouses sometimes. The way they talk to them or about them can be very disrespectful. No one will respect your spouse more than you do.
  • Take a shower! – Even if you can’t smell yourself, your spouse can. Plus, there is nothing better than the feel of clean skin on skin.
  • Laziness – It means a lot when spouses help each other out.

Next time your spouse isn’t acting very amorous towards you, stop and think if you’ve done something to turn them off. Then figure out a way to turn it back on!

Fix Your Feelings By Disciplining Your Mind and Body 6

Bonnie Wallace has written a couple of posts with some reasons that husbands and wives don’t feel sexy. Some of them are physical/medical, but most of them are mental/emotional. Even some that appear to be physical are really mental/emotional. I won’t excerpt all the reasons, but they’re worth reading and Bonnie’s suggestions for addressing them are very constructive.

Rather than offering suggestions of my own, I’d like to share a couple of verses from the Bible. The first is part of a poem written by King David that beautifully describes the loving care God has invested into the creation of each of his children.

Psalm 139:13-18

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious concerning me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

God’s thoughts for each of his children are vast and precious. He has intricately woven each of us into exactly the wonderful form he intended.

The second passage is an exhortation for believers to present the members, the parts, of our bodies to God for his righteous use.

Romans 6:12-13

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.

We are commanded to discipline our minds and bodies and bring them into subjection to Christ. We must not only avoid sin, but go beyond that to present the parts of our bodies to God as instruments for righteousness. Included in this preparing and developing your mind and body for sexual relations with your spouse. There are many things your spouse can do to make you “feel sexy”, but the primary responsibility is yours. There are many things you can do to help your spouse feel sexy, but ultimately that responsibility belongs to your spouse and to God.

So if you don’t feel sexy, what should you do? Start with prayer. Ask God to reinvigorate your sex life with your spouse. Tell God that you want hot, frequent, satisfying sex with your spouse. Ask him to change you and your spouse to make it happen.

Second, confront any sin in your mind or body that is inhibiting you. Vanity over your imperfect looks? Gluttony? Lethargy? Contempt towards your spouse? Lust for other people? For husbands, a lack of love and sacrifice? A failure to lead spiritually? For wives, a lack of submission?

Finally, tell your spouse that you’re praying for your sex life and repenting of the sins that have held you back. Pick the right time for this conversation… don’t do it right after an unsatisfying sexual encounter. Don’t put the burden onto your spouse and say that you’re praying for them and their sin. When you bring it up, focus on God and what you’re asking him to do.

If your relationship with your spouse is in such dire condition that you don’t feel that you can have this conversation without it turning into a fight, then just don’t. God doesn’t need you to tell your spouse in order for him to work. Just start praying and confessing, and wait to see what God does.

Passion Principles 7

I just read the book Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy In Love How-To Manual by Dr. David Clarke. In it he asks a question about “the source of passion in marriage?” The answer is God! God created marriage and even created sex. He wants us to have passion in our marriages! Clarke gives four “passion principles” for spouses to keep God at the center of their marriage.

  1. Come to Christ – Knowing Jesus is the most important thing a person can do. You need Christ as your foundation in order to be able to share him as a couple.
  2. Share Your Personal Spiritual Growth – Talk about what God is doing in your life. Ask each other what you are learning, how you are growing. Read scripture and discuss it. Your spouse should be your best accountability partner.
  3. Pray Together – And not just at meal times. Hold hands and pray out loud. Pray for each other. El Fury always asks me before we go to bed how he can pray for me. It’s such a blessing to know that I always have someone praying for me.
  4. Read the Bible Together – Reading Scripture and discussing it together is an amazing experience. I learn a lot from El Fury. And when we don’t know the answer to something, it’s fun to look it up together.

To have a spiritual bond is incredibly intimate. This is how God designed marriage. Closeness with Him leads to closeness with each other, which means more passion! Passion is what fuels the fire of great sex and great intimacy.

I think Clarke’s Passion Principles are really refreshing compared to a lot of marriage books I have read. Rather than relying on methodology on how to communicate better, resolve conflict, etc. he cuts to the core of your relationship. More Christ. God desires to be intimate with you and your marriage.

"Old Faithful" Oral Sex Position 8

Sexy Corte and I like to experiment and change things up, but like most couples we have some favorite positions that we use frequently. We call one of these Old Faithful because it very reliably leads to a powerful eruption.

The position is pretty simple: I lay on my back while Sexy Corte kneels over my body at a 90-degree angle with her legs spread. I play with her lady bits while she performs oral sex on me. I’ll use my fingers to play all around outside and inside her body (see: Zoom Technique) to the point that she usually loses focus and forgets what she’s supposed to be doing.

Old Faithful can be carried to completion and it’s one of the best positions for getting Sexy Corte off with my fingers. Sometimes she has a hard time reaching orgasm if I’m not inside her, and Old Faithful makes this possible. From my perspective, there’s almost nothing hotter than my wife having a powerful orgasm with me in her mouth.

After Sexy Corte comes she can either finish me off with Old Faithful, or we can transition to a different position. As you know, there are many positions that are lots of fun but aren’t that stimulating for a woman, so Old Faithful is great as a starter to make sure that Sexy Corte is always satisfied.

Similarly, sometimes we use Old Faithful purely as foreplay and transition before either of us reaches orgasm. Once we’re warmed up we’ll frequently move to “The Usual”, which is a subject for a later post.

Also see: “New Faithful” for a variation that doesn’t make the wife do all the work.

Teaching Kids About Godly Intimacy 9

J. Parker writes about what dads teach their daughters about intimacy and it’s a great read. Since this is a blog more about sex than family, let me specifically focus on this paragraph:

Fathers can also overtly teach their daughters what men are like in the sexual arena — how a man’s mind works, what he pays attention to, how he struggles with lust, how he desires a deep connection, how sex is related to that feeling of connection. Dads have the opportunity to arm their daughters with knowledge and wisdom based on their own experiences. They can help their girls navigate the minefields of dating and courtship and then be the kind of girlfriend and wife a godly man needs.

Obviously there are limits to what you can tell your kids about sex, but most parents err on the side of silence. Your kids will learn about every position, every kind of sex toy, every sexual act. Kids have always shared this “illicit” knowledge among themselves, and now there’s the internet to fill in the blanks. Of course, everything they learn from these sources will be slanted by worldly values, full of error, and provocatively lustful.

As a parent, you should get ahead of the situation. You can be the source for sexual information for your kids, and you should instruct them with Godly, Biblical wisdom and experience. Developing this kind of open, trusting relationship with your kids takes time and energy, along with a willingness to  broach difficult subjects and share personal stories. These things aren’t easy, but teenagers really are hungry for information and as an adult, you’ve got it — if you can surmount your embarrassment and share it.

Home Dates 10

Some of my favorite dates have been here at home. With small children, it can be hard to arrange for a babysitter and go out. Luckily kids need a lot of sleep and after the kids go to bed, the adults can play.

The key to home dates is to be intentional. Sitting on the couch together watching TV doesn’t count. Plan something! But also be flexible and allow for some spontaneity. Our last home date was so simple. All we did was make dinner and dessert together, but it turned into a memorable evening.

Remember, there are no boundaries at home. You aren’t in public, so why not turn the entire experience into a long session of foreplay? By the time the date is done (if you make it that long) you will be so hot for each other that the sex will be fantastic. A stroke here, a little suck or caress there. By the time we were done making dessert we were having so much fun with the whipped cream we practically ran upstairs.

Be romantic. Be creative. Have fun with each other! Does anyone else have ideas for home dates?