J. Parker writes about what dads teach their daughters about intimacy and it’s a great read. Since this is a blog more about sex than family, let me specifically focus on this paragraph:
Fathers can also overtly teach their daughters what men are like in the sexual arena — how a man’s mind works, what he pays attention to, how he struggles with lust, how he desires a deep connection, how sex is related to that feeling of connection. Dads have the opportunity to arm their daughters with knowledge and wisdom based on their own experiences. They can help their girls navigate the minefields of dating and courtship and then be the kind of girlfriend and wife a godly man needs.
Obviously there are limits to what you can tell your kids about sex, but most parents err on the side of silence. Your kids will learn about every position, every kind of sex toy, every sexual act. Kids have always shared this “illicit” knowledge among themselves, and now there’s the internet to fill in the blanks. Of course, everything they learn from these sources will be slanted by worldly values, full of error, and provocatively lustful.
As a parent, you should get ahead of the situation. You can be the source for sexual information for your kids, and you should instruct them with Godly, Biblical wisdom and experience. Developing this kind of open, trusting relationship with your kids takes time and energy, along with a willingness to broach difficult subjects and share personal stories. These things aren’t easy, but teenagers really are hungry for information and as an adult, you’ve got it — if you can surmount your embarrassment and share it.
Some of my favorite dates have been here at home. With small children, it can be hard to arrange for a babysitter and go out. Luckily kids need a lot of sleep and after the kids go to bed, the adults can play.
The key to home dates is to be intentional. Sitting on the couch together watching TV doesn’t count. Plan something! But also be flexible and allow for some spontaneity. Our last home date was so simple. All we did was make dinner and dessert together, but it turned into a memorable evening.
Remember, there are no boundaries at home. You aren’t in public, so why not turn the entire experience into a long session of foreplay? By the time the date is done (if you make it that long) you will be so hot for each other that the sex will be fantastic. A stroke here, a little suck or caress there. By the time we were done making dessert we were having so much fun with the whipped cream we practically ran upstairs.
Be romantic. Be creative. Have fun with each other! Does anyone else have ideas for home dates?
Nothing heightens sexual arousal like danger — that’s why the hero and heroine fall into a passionate embrace after saving the world and vanquishing the villain. Even though you may not have many opportunities to save your spouse’s life, or the world, you can introduce a little risk to your sexy time by getting into it in public places. I’ve written about car sex already, but let’s be a little more adventurous. First we’ll talk about locations, and then we’ll talk a little about technique.
- Wilderness areas are a great place to have sex in public. Forests, mountains, hills, copses of trees, and even piles of rocks can provide a little privacy right off a trail. Near-wilderness areas can be particularly exciting if you can hear other hikers walking by while you’re in flagrante delicto. You’ll want to find a spot that gives you good visibility towards the more-traveled areas around you, so that if you’re surprised it will be at a distance. I like bending Sexy Corte over a fallen log or rock facing the trail, that way we can see if anyone starts heading towards us.
- Speaking of distance, just staying far away from people can be protection enough. Balconies, decks, rooftops, hilltops, cliffs, and other perches can give you enough separation from the public that you can see them and they can see you, but they can’t see what you’re doing. Your own backyard may even have a suitable spot. If your neighbors figure it out they’ll be jealous.
- Sexy Corte and I have a bit of a thing for ruins and castles (hence the banner above). Whenever we find ourselves somewhere old we’re likely to look around for a place to play. When one of us is thinking about having sex wherever we’re at, he or she will make a comment about how “old” the place looks. Lots of touristy places are lightly attended and full of hiding spots.
- “Family” restrooms are easy places to get it on, and often cleaner than the regular restrooms. You only get half credit for any location with a locking door, though.
- I’m planning to write more about camping in a later post, but tents can be excellent for sex almost anywhere. In most jurisdictions a tent counts as a “dwelling”, so you won’t get in trouble for having sex in public if you’re caught. The police may tell you that you aren’t allowed to set up camp in the middle of the park though. A tent in your backyard (or your front yard!) can be quite adventurous. If you’re quick and nimble, a pop-up tent can enable you to have sex just about anywhere.
- Water — it sounds like it would be sexy, but in my experience it’s usually more trouble than it’s worth. Any kind of water will wash away the wife’s natural lubrication very quickly, which means you need to bring some oil-based lube if you’re going to make it work comfortably. That said, if you plan ahead I’m sure that a pool or jacuzzi after-hours would be a lot of fun. Maximum points if the jacuzzi is on the back of a limousine and you’re driving down the Strip in Las Vegas.
- Sex on the beach (or in the ocean) makes me wince… the ocean is generally filthy, and I don’t relish the thought of banging a bunch of sand into Sexy Corte’s lady bits. If you’ve done this please leave a comment, because I have a hard time believing that it’s really as sexy as in the movies.
- Library or book store. Ok, we haven’t done this, but the thought of all those books turns me on.
- Tree house. No explanation needed.
- Lots of public buildings have accessible closets and empty rooms. Our church sure does. Just make sure there isn’t a Sunday School class scheduled for the next hour.
- We haven’t done this yet, but I’m eager to try some games in a movie theater. It might be hard to actually slip it to her there, but I’m sure I could drive her crazy with my fingers. We’d have to find a nice, loud action movie, but it is almost summer.
- For more privacy, try doing it right in front of an open window on a sunny day. You’ll be in shadows to anyone outside, but you can still feel naughty.
As for technique, there are a few options, but the titillating risk also limits your flexibility.
- When you’re in a public place there usually won’t be time for foreplay, so you should probably bring some lube. If you’re being spontaneous, just spit on your hand and rub it on her. It’s not romantic, but sometimes you’ve got to be quick. The wife might also want to carry some pantyliners for afterwards.
- Bend her over and take her from behind. This is the easiest, fastest position for sex in a public place, especially if your wife is wearing pants. She can bend over a tree, a rock, or lean against a wall while you penetrate her from behind, and one of you can play with her clit at the same time. She won’t need to remove her clothing, and there won’t be much to see if you’re surprised.
- If your wife is wearing a dress she can pull her panties off and sit on your lap. This is probably the safest position if you think an interruption is likely, because nothing will be visible to any interloper. It might be a little embarrassing for a stranger to see you straddling your husband, but they’ll probably move on quickly. This position gives a lot of access to the wife’s bits, and is probably the easiest way for her to orgasm from sex in a public place.
- It can also be fun to fool around without penetration. Obviously a dress makes this easier than pants. If you don’t finish, just imagine how hot and bothered you’ll both be when you get home.
- If you really want to have fun, get yourself a remote control vibrator and put it in her panties or insert it directly into her before you go out. Then play around with the controls while she tries to avoid attracting attention.
- If your wife is shy, try starting your public adventures slowly with a blow job. She won’t need to undress at all. Assuming she swallows, clean-up will also be easy.
So what are your favorite public places to get busy with your spouse? If you haven’t done it yet, where is your first adventure going to be? If you’re already a pro, please share your tips!
Since Sexy Corte just brought up our Sexy-Time check list I may well elaborate on our game of Naked Marco Polo. In case you aren’t familiar with the family-safe version of the game, the basics are simple: one person is blindfolded and has to catch the other; whenever the seeker says “Marco”, the evader has to say “Polo”. Then you run around the room taking turns trying to catch each other and escape.
Naked Marco Polo is much more fun, because the seeker gets a reward when he catches the evader. For Sexy Corte and I, the rewards started with 30 seconds of foreplay for the seeker: some licking, rubbing, kissing, or whatever the seeker wanted. Then we handed off the blindfold and swapped roles.
We were playing in the Sex Room (i.e., the Master Bedroom) and it was pretty easy to catch each other. The rewards quickly turned into sex, and the game ended in a predictable fashion. A good time was had by all, but next time we play we may have to use the whole house after the kids go to sleep.
El Fury and I started a list of sexy-time activities. It’s an active list that we add to when we think of something sexual we want to try. The idea is that whenever we are in the mood for something different, we have a plethora of ideas to choose from.
The other night after the kids went to bed, we checked our first item off the list: “Naked Marco Polo”. As you can probably guess, we took turns being blind folded and chased each other around our bedroom, while being naked of course. I was a pretty easy target since I couldn’t stop laughing. However, I did manage to out-maneuver El Fury longer. We only lasted a few rounds until we got too distracted.
It’s fun to laugh and be playful with your spouse. This is the person you are spending your life with, you may as well have fun together!
In general, we aren’t big fans of sex in the shower. It is often a cramped space, so finding the right position is difficult. I am not a flexible person, so we are pretty limited. Also, even though it’s really wet, it’s not the right kind of wet. (side note: if you do enjoy sex in the shower, we found a lube called Gun Oil works great.) In most cases, we use the shower for foreplay.
There are, however, certain occasions when the shower comes in really handy. On our last trip to visit family, we were having a hard time getting in our normal sexy time. Between sleeping on a twin bed and twin air mattress, the thin walls, and all the people around, it was not exactly an environment conducive to bedroom activities.
As we were getting ready, El Fury hopped in the shower with me. We were discussing our frustrations and realized we had an opportunity right then and there. The door was locked, the fan and shower muffled the noise, we were both already naked. I bent over and we did it. The spontaneity of it made it really hot too!
Shower sex is great in the right situation. But, I still prefer it on dry land.
Gerad at the blog mission:husband has an insightful post for wives titled 11 Thoughts Out of Your Husband’s Head. Now, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to improve your communication with your spouse so that there’s nothing you’re afraid to ask… but until you get to that point a list like this can be pretty helpful. You and your spouse might even consider writing lists for each other if it’s hard to say some things out loud (at first).
Here are a couple of points I’ll add to his list.
- We men like to leave our mark. That’s why we want you to swallow, and we shoot our seed deep inside you. Hours later, we like to hear that you’re sore, your muscles are tired and tingly, and our come is still leaking out. We like to hear that you’re still affected by our powerful lovemaking long after it’s over. This is the same motivation that drives men to conquer new lands and build skyscrapers.
- Enthusiasm is the key to doing almost anything well with us. Whether its sex or helping to fix the dishwasher, when we’re doing something together your enthusiasm is really important. Even though it wasn’t your idea, and it isn’t very exciting to pass us tools while we’re shoulder-deep under an appliance, your enthusiasm will be greatly appreciated. I’m going to write a post about enthusiasm during sex later.
And finally, a modification to his point 11:
11. Sometimes he wishes you’d just give him a hand-job – Yes, again, that’s what I said. Hey, I told you I’m being honest here. If you know it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, and you know he’s frustrated about it, but you still don’t feel like having sex (period, bad timing, etc), don’t ask, just roll over to his side of the bed, and offer him a hand-job. I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter if your mind is “into it”, or if your “emotionally ready”, or whatever other thing you might try to throw in there for a reason that you just don’t feel like giving him one.
Never really been a fan of hand-jobs… get down there and suck your husband off.
That is what I used to think. Fortunately for me, I have a husband who is diligent and cares about my orgasm as well as his own. It didn’t take long for him to figure out how to bring me to climax manually (my thoughts: “oh, that’s where the clitoris is!”) However, it took a while for us to figure out how to get me there with intercourse. We tried a lot of different positions, but unless my clit is directly stimulated, I am not able to orgasm.
One night we were trying to be efficient (let’s face it, reaching climax manually takes some time!) and we tried using a “silver bullet” vibrator while I was on top. WOW! It was a totally different type of orgasm. Now this is my favorite position. I try to savor it, but sometimes I reach climax embarrassingly fast. This is a long ways from when I used to think I would never be able to orgasm.
God made our bodies to be able to experience pleasure inside of marriage. Sometimes it takes work to figure out how to experience that pleasure! I’m so glad we kept trying!
El Fury and I started reading “Sheet Music”. The book starts out describing a married couple that used to have sexual difficulty. The problem was that the wife wanted more sexual variety, and her husband was mis-reading her signals. After the husband went to counseling, a light came on, and now they have a fantastic sex life. However, they spent the first 15 years of their marriage not enjoying mediocre sex!
Communicate! It is startling that many people aren’t able to communicate about sex with their spouse. You are already naked, vulnerable, making strange noises, in awkward positions. This is not the time to be shy! If at one point during that 15 years the wife would have said “ooo, that feels good” or “why don’t we try it this way?” Or perhaps the husband could have asked “how does this feel?” or “where do you want me to touch you?” Something so simple could have made that 15 years sexually awesome!
Be bold! The more you communicate, the more comfortable it is to talk about. Being explicit with each other can be a big turn on too.
Stay tuned. I’m sure we will post more as we read more of “Sheet Music”.
Athol Kay writes a lot about alpha and beta behaviors in the marriage relationship, and especially the need to find a balance. Women are often attracted to the “bad boy” alphas, but pure alpha behavior doesn’t make for a stable long-term relationship. On the other hand, pure-beta behavior just isn’t attractive to anyone, and if it leads to stability in a marriage it will be a stable equilibrium of a frustrated, dominant wife and a frustrated, sex-deprived husband. As a husband, you have to put some strategic thought into selecting your beta behaviors.
Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.
What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.
It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.
This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.
I’ve got a lot more to say about “the five love languages” at a later point, so stay tuned!