It’s almost summer! I feel like we missed spring, but at least it’s not winter anymore. It’s time to cover the two topics we know all our readers are wondering about.

First up, how much do men really care about “bikini bods”? Bridget Phetasy asked her followers:

ATTN: Men I need more of your anonymous blatant honesty. Summer is coming. The culture would have us believing men care a great deal about how a woman looks in a bikini but how much do you *actually* care about your significant other’s beach body?

We’ve posted several times about the importance of fitness and appearance, but we believe the focus should be on health and being the best you for your spouse, not pursuing some unrealistic worldly standard of “hotness”. It’s great to read that most of the men who responded to Phetasy feel the same way.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting such thoughtful, heartwarming and tender answers. (In all, 215 men responded, totaling 19,754 words, which, to give you an idea, is 34 pages of writing, single-spaced.) Instead, I expected men to behave the way they’re represented in the media (i.e., as gross pigs). And so, I anticipated vapid, crass responses, my DMs overflowing with hordes of men saying things like, “Hell yeah, my wife needs to lose 15 pounds. This isn’t what I signed up for.”

Obviously, it goes without saying that when you’re looking for a mate, physicality matters. Attraction needs to be there before anything else, but attraction alone isn’t enough to sustain a long-term relationship. This is a lesson men have a greater appreciation for with age. “In my 20s, I cared about looks,” one guy explains. “I think physical attraction is an important element in relationships, even in my 30s; however, now, I appreciate a girl who can effectively communicate more than her looks.” Another adds, “After giving birth to our three kids, my wife doesn’t have a bikini body anymore, but I couldn’t care less. To me she’s hot AF. I probably don’t even have a dad bod anymore, and yeah, I’m a little sensitive about it.”

Giving your best self to your spouse includes maintaining your health and fitness, but goes way beyond that. There’s a lot more to sexiness than appearance, and how you act is generally easier to improve than how you look. If you don’t believe us or anonymous guys on the internet, just ask Billy Bob Thornton.

Second: beach sex. From the page’s title we can see that the article used to be headlined, “women should do everything they can to avoid beach sex”.

Sand. It gets everywhere. And when you’re naked and rubbing your body up against another person, you’d better believe sand gets in places you never want sand to reach. This is particularly bad in instances where you’re having sex because when sand meets genitals, it acts as an abrasive, causing intense irritation and chafing.

Not only this, but sand isn’t the most hygienic of substances. Imagine all the infants you’ve ever known to pee in the ocean and then times it by a hundred because, according to a study from the Journal of Environmental Science and Technology, beach sand can contain 100 times the levels of fecal bacteria of seawater.

Not just infant humans… the ocean is chock full of disgusting animals! If you really need to have sex on the beach, use a blanket or a tent. Spontaneous sex in public places can be hot, but we recommend doing it standing up.

Got any summer sex tips to share? Leave a comment!

We commonly get questions — usually from a wife — about “weird” things her husband wants to in bed. Where did my husband get this crazy idea?

Well, as you know, humans have been having sex for a long time, and no matter how strict the rules are we’ve always been kinky. I recently listened to an episode of the Ask Historians podcast about libertine literature, and it mentioned a poem that I wanted to share titled “The Imperfect Enjoyment” from 17th century libertine writer John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester. (You can see a portrait of him above — he’s hot for his time!) Rochester is frustrated by his own premature ejaculation, and has written this poem to curse at his penis for failing. An excerpt:

When, with a thousand kisses wandering o’er
My panting bosom, “Is there then no more?”
She cries. “All this to love and rapture’s due;
Must we not pay a debt to pleasure too?”
But I, the most forlorn, lost man alive,
To show my wished obedience vainly strive:
I sigh, alas! and kiss, but cannot swive.
Eager desires confound my first intent,
Succeeding shame does more success prevent,
And rage at last confirms me impotent.
Ev’n her fair hand, which might bid heat return
To frozen age, and make cold hermits burn,
Applied to my dear cinder, warms no more
Than fire to ashes could past flames restore.
Trembling, confused, despairing, limber, dry,
A wishing, weak, unmoving lump I lie.

The poem is funny and poignantly humanizing. It’s easy to forget that our ancestors were as human as we are. The libertines are certainly not to be emulated in their philosophy, but why should they get to have better sex lives than married Christians? No way!

Do you have any sexy poetry to share? Leave a link in the comments.

Are you ever confused by your own sexual arousal? By what turns you on and when? Or… maybe you’re confused by your spouse. Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex? Why is he always so turned on? The “he” and “she” there are stereotypical — sometimes it goes the other way — but scientists have identified two different pathways to arousal that map onto these common perceptions. The two polarities are called “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire”, and they lead to very different behavior that can confuse you and your spouse if you don’t recognize what’s happening.

Men typically (but not always) exhibit spontaneous desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that isn’t triggered by any obvious external factors. “Hey, I want to have sex!” Spontaneous desire motivates the initiation of sexual behavior. Spontaneous desire leads you to ask for a date, lean in for a kiss, test boundaries for touching, escalate a physical encounter, try new things, and risk rejection. These behaviors can be confusing for the recipient, because it may seem like the sexual behavior is coming out of nowhere — which it is. It’s spontaneous. The recipient of these behaviors may ask themselves things like:

  • “Why is he touching me now?”
  • Why does he want to do that?
  • “Why is he so persistent?”
  • “Again?”
  • “Does he think about anything besides sex?”

Women typically (but not always) exhibit responsive desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that grows after sexual behavior has started. “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!” A person with responsive desire may seem to have a low libido because she doesn’t often initiate sex, and it can take some effort on her part to “get into the mood”. What’s especially interesting is that women often don’t even know when they’re aroused at first.

Men’s subjective ratings of arousal were in agreement with their body’s level of sexual arousal about 66 percent of the time, while women’s were in line only about 26 percent of the time.

“The general pattern that I have seen in my laboratory is that women experience a genital response but do not report feeling sexually aroused,” Chivers told LiveScience.

Women’s bodies often get aroused before their minds do. Crazy, huh? With responsive desire, sexual arousal will follow physical or mental sexual stimulation, and that stimulation usually comes from a husband who is trying to initiate sex. Without understanding this process, a husband may think things like:

  • “Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex?”
  • “I’ll wait for her to initiate this time.”
  • “Why do I have to try so hard to turn her on?”
  • “Isn’t she attracted to me? Doesn’t she want me?”
  • “Why doesn’t she suggest something new?”

Of course, there are no absolutes in life. Some men are more responsive, and some women are more spontaneous. What’s more, a person’s desire polarity may vary over time — especially for women, as their hormones change throughout their menstrual cycles.

Now that you know about spontaneous and responsive desire, what action can you take?

If you and your spouse are both spontaneous… well, you’re probably having sex all the time. Congrats!

If you are spontaneous and your spouse is responsive:

  • Don’t judge your responsive spouse for not being spontaneous.
  • Learn how to elicit sexual response from your spouse and recognize when she is getting turned on.
  • Be enthusiastic and persistent with initiation; don’t get frustrated that you initiate most of the time.

If you are responsive and your spouse is spontaneous:

  • Don’t judge your spontaneous spouse for not being responsive.
  • When your spontaneous spouse initiates sex, don’t immediately see it as an annoyance or distraction! Give your mind a body a chance to respond.
  • Learn to recognize your own arousal when your mind and body respond to your spouse’s initiation. It may not be obvious.

If you and your spouse are both responsive, you’re going to need to be extra intentional. Try one of our sex games or the random foreplay generator to initiate sex when you’ve got time, even if neither of you is particularly in the mood. Once you get started, you can both respond to the heat generated by the game!

Do you have any experiences to share? Any advice? Leave a comment!

“Can we *BLANK*?” is one of the site’s most popular and frequently referenced posts. You can go read the details, but the short version is that just about any sexual activity is acceptable within marriage! But it may not surprise you to learn that people in the middle ages had a different view on sex.

If it’s not procreative, it’s fornication. If it’s done on a holy day, it’s fornication. You see above what happens if it’s oral: you get a life sentence of penance.

The penitential writers saw marital sex as a concession, not as a right or even a gift from God. The pleasure it brought was inherently sinful, a gateway to lust, so sex within marriage should be carefully contained and scheduled to ensure the most possible procreation and the least possible pleasure. Married couples had to abstain regularly or the very state of their marriage would degenerate into an illegitimate and sinful union. Even the children born of sex during a period where the couple should have abstained — mainly based on the Church’s liturgical calendar and on the wife’s reproductive cycle — were to be considered bastards.

There’s even a handy flowchart!

It’s no surprise that Christians often bring so much baggage into their marriages! These man-made rules and fears can steal away the joy of sex with our spouse.

Of course, people then weren’t much different than people now — it’s one thing to write a bunch of rules, and it’s another thing to follow them. Fortunately God hasn’t created nearly as many rules as people have.

Do you want to drive each other crazy all day, and then have amazing sex that evening? Every time you reload this page you’ll get a new foreplay activity — pick a new one every hour, or whenever you have a moment of privacy with your spouse. Just two rules:

  1. Whatever it says, do it
  2. No orgasms allowed until the end of the day
Foreplay activity:Husband shows Wife where to lick

Do you want to have more and better sex? Get plenty of sleep.

According to a large new study, women over age 50 who get fewer than seven hours of sleep are less likely to report being sexually active than their peers who sleep more, a problem that increases with age.

Sleep disorders can also interfere with sex. Research suggests that men with obstructive sleep apnea, a condition marked by snoring and breathing difficulties, have decreased levels of sexual activity, possibly because they produce lower amounts of testosterone. Sleep apnea can also increase the risk of cardiovascular problems, which may be related to sexual dysfunction.

But the reverse appears to be true, too: Another recent study that looked at sleep and sex in college students found that for those in romantic relationships, every extra hour they slept corresponded to higher sexual desire, greater vaginal lubrication and a 14% increase in the chances of getting frisky the next day. That’s probably because a good night’s sleep leaves us feeling refreshed, relaxed and energetic — all important for feeling sexy.

Sleep is an important component of staying healthy, along with exercise, managing your weight, and maintaining good hygiene. For (the many) husbands who write to us asking for advice on strengthening their wives’ libidos, helping her get more sleep seems like a great first step.

And… do you want more and better sleep? Have plenty of sex!

The reasons are largely chemical in nature. After orgasm, our bodies release significant amounts of the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin, which lowers levels of the stress hormone cortisol, resulting in deep relaxation.

Sex also has gender-specific benefits. “For women, estrogen levels increase after sex, which can enhance a woman’s REM cycle for a deeper sleep. In men, the hormone prolactin is secreted after orgasm and has been tied to sleepiness,” explained licensed psychologist Rachel Needle, co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.

Yeah, yeah — there’s just too much to do. But you need to make time for your health and for your spouse. Go to bed early tonight together!

We recently came into possession of some Mardi Gras beads and created a fun and simple game. (You can get strands of beads very cheaply online or at the dollar store.)

  1. I carry strands of beads in my pocket.
  2. At an opportune time, I pull out some beads and offer them to Sexy Corte.
  3. Sexy Corte earns the beads by flashing her boobs.
    • Alternatively, she can be proactive and flash me for beads at any time.
  4. Her accumulation of beads throughout the day is a sexy visual reminder of our game.
  5. At the end of the day we can tally up her score and try to set a new record.

The only problem with the game is that when our kids see the beads they turn into Gollum.

Do you have any games like this that you play with your spouse? Leave a comment!

It’s been a while since we’ve posted some links, and I was shocked to see how many of the blogs we had linked to in our sidebar no longer exist! Crazy.

These link posts might seem easy, but they’re actually some of the most time-consuming posts we write. It’s a lot of work to survey the internet for Christian sex content, but we think it’s valuable for two reasons:

  1. We want to bring our readers the best content
  2. We want to share the best readers with other blogs

So, without further ado…

If you want to share another link, please leave it in a comment!

Reader “QB” writes:

Hello,

My husband and I have enjoyed your site! Thank you.

We’ve been married for ten years and we have two young children. We’re planning to have another baby but we aren’t ready to get pregnant yet, and we’ve been talking about contraception. My husband doesn’t like to use condoms, and he asked that we make our “protection” more appealing to him… suggesting a “pearl necklace” that apparently “some guys” are into.

I said I didn’t think any women would really want that and he said maybe some would. I personally would find it degrading. He’s much more sexually adventurous than I am, which is an ongoing issue. I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit. I don’t know how to approach this topic because it makes him very defensive.

Do you think a “pearl necklace” is an ok thing to do? I just wonder why any husband would want to 🙁 You usually seem to say that between two married consenting spouses, anything goes, but what do you think? I might consent if it’s not something always seen as degrading.

Please help! Any insight is hugely appreciated.

First of all, it’s great that you and your husband are able to discuss your sex life so openly. Most people who write to us don’t, so good for you. Couples often have a great deal of trouble sharing their sexual desires out of fear of ridicule or rejection, so please appreciate your husband’s bravery in sharing with you.

Second, yes, pretty much anything is acceptable within the bounds of marriage, and we’ve written about in “Can we *BLANK*?” The boundaries are simple — sex should:

  • Involve only the married couple
  • Be be mutually consensual
  • Lead to satisfaction for both spouses
  • Be done in faith

So, there’s nothing inherently wrong about your husband wanting to ejaculate on your body. Most men don’t want to do this constantly, but some men find it arousing occasionally. Sexy Corte and I have tried it, but it just isn’t our thing. We wrote about it in a previous Q&A: “Mutual masturbation and finishing on her body”. It’s very likely that your husband will enjoy it once or twice and then decide that it’s more fun to ejaculate inside you. (Hint: he might be happy to use a condom if you let him take it off to ejaculate in your mouth, and he may even love it.)

A key element of your email is your statement that: “I personally would find it degrading.”

That’s understandable. As with all sex play, it’s important that it’s play and not real. For example, I enjoy spanking my wife’s butt, but it’s a form of sexual play, not a “punishment”. The play gives me a sense of power, and gives her a sense of submission.

Similarly, your husband probably thinks that ejaculating on your face or body will be a sexy, dominant thing for him to do because it requires your submission. Your submission is part of the sexiness. Your willingness to submit to his pleasure and do something you don’t care for is part of the turn-on. (You may find that you enjoy being trusting and submissive, even if the sex acts themselves aren’t directly stimulating to you. Or you may not!)

Now, sex should be mutually edifying and satisfying for both spouses, and honoring to God. Your husband shouldn’t actually degrade you — but it’s ok if both of you want to play with dominant and submissive behavior. You may not get much arousal from him ejaculating on you, but if you participate in fulfilling his fantasy then he should be eager to “pay you back” by making sure that your quirky sexual needs are also met. (C’mon… you probably have something you want that you’ve been too shy to share.)

You also wrote: “I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit.”

I’ll quote from an earlier post about “Weird sex”:

Porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

Humans are kinky creatures, and porn didn’t cause that, it merely reflects our kinkiness. God’s desire is that sex with your spouse is a bonfire compared to the sickly, sputtering candle of pornography.

We suggest that you continue talking with your husband about his desires (and yours). You’re not obligated to perform a specific sexual activity with him, but we encourage you to lean towards “yes” when you can.

Updates:

First, a response from “QB” who asked the question above.

Thank you so much for all the information and your honesty.

I think sometimes my go-to response to my husband is either “no” or “why would you want to…”. So your perspective really helps. I may come from a place of judgement when really I should like you said be open and happy we’re communicating.

I will try to lean towards “yes” when I’m able.

Thank you so so much!

And below, here’s a great comment from the wife at Marriage 4:29:

I can understand why it might not be anyone else’s thing, but I wanted to throw my thoughts in there because it is TOTALLY our thing.

I love watching my husband ejaculate (the way his body shakes, the face he makes, the flow of his semen shooting out) because I know that I alone am responsible for that sensation.

Especially if I’m not necessarily in the mood for intercourse, a mutually satisfying compromise is always him standing, me on my knees pleasuring him with my hands and/or mouth (WITH THE LIGHTS ON—more vulnerable for the both of us and therefore more intimate in my opinion).

When he reaches climax I’ll take his semen wherever (but I’m right in front of him…it might as well be on me—that way we know exactly where it went for easy cleanup LOL) but what drives him wild is when I sometimes say “Cum all over my [redacted]” It a little naughty, but it’s a fun way to play with my beloved…and it makes him feel loved that I loosen up and allow myself to enjoy this kind of stimulation too so it’s not just one sided pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who is sharing in the comments!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Date nights are essential for intimacy and connection, especially after you have kids. It’s fun to go out to dinner, see a movie, go for a hike, or do an escape room — and it can be just as fun (and even more relaxing) to have a stay-date at home after the kids are in bed. However you do it, date nights are great!

One of the things we’ve realized over the past several years is that we really don’t like staying up late. No matter how late we’re out, those darn kids wake up at the same time every day! In fact, by the time we get home from a date at 10 or 11 we’re pretty wiped out. Sex takes energy, even after a romantic, intimate evening together. But after a date with your spouse you’re supposed to have sex, right? It feels anticlimactic to just crawl into bed and go to sleep.

Fortunately there’s a simple solution: have sex before you go on your date. It can be right before you leave, during nap time in the afternoon, or in the morning before the kids come knocking —  give each other an orgasm to kick-off your date right! Here are some advantages to having sex before your date:

  • Oxytocin: Orgasms get your bonding hormones flowing, which will jump-start intimacy for your date.
  • No pressure: There won’t be any pressure to make sex the capstone of your date when you get home late. We find that it’s especially hard for Sexy Corte to summon up the energy for an orgasm late at night, no matter how great a time we’re having. Time of day has a big impact on many wives, and it doesn’t always line up with date night.
  • Lingering arousal: Date nights are a great opportunity to talk positively about your sex life together — what you like, what you want to try, how it feels when your spouse touches you just — like — that. If you have sex before your date, the lingering arousal can fuel your conversation. It’s hot to look at your spouse across the restaurant table and know that you just rocked their world!
  • Mementos: You can carry a memento of your recent sex with you on your date. For example: a secret hickey or lingerie. It’s a huge turn-on for me just knowing that my semen is still inside Sexy Corte when we go out. We’ve also talked about the idea of me finishing on her body and SC wearing it under her clothes, but we haven’t done it yet.

The downside of having sex before your date is that you lose some of the angsty build-up, but hey, there’s no rule that you can’t have sex again after! (Or during.)

So when do you have sex on date night? I’m sure we’re not the only ones who are tired when we get home!