People say it all the time: “it’s only a season”. Seasons come and go. Some are better than others. Rather than wishing time away, we need to learn how to embrace the season we are in. The light parts and the dark. Maintaining a good habit of having sex with your spouse can help shape your outlook on whatever season of life you are in.

Sometimes I’m well into a season before I realize how things have changed. Right now I think I would title the season “over”. Lately I feel a lot of “over-(blank)”. I am starting my third year of being home with three preschoolers. I love our kids like crazy, but toddlers definitely contribute a lot to the tone of a season. Often at the end of the day I feel over-touched, over-stimulated, and over-tired. However, I also feel that I’m in the best time of my life! Children are a blessing from the Lord, but they can zap your energy right out of you. So how do you keep a fulfilling sex life in the midst of raising kids?

Here are some thoughts. Please leave suggestions for what’s worked for you in the comments!

  1. Time of day. The first thing I do when I find myself in a new season of life is reevaluate the best time of day for sex. Pay attention to your body and notice when you feel that urge — be alert. If you are exhausted by the end of the day, try having sex in the morning. It takes more discipline — you need to go to bed earlier, set an alarm, and actually wake up.
  2. Pray! Do you pray for your sex life? You should! Pray for desire, satisfaction, and regularity, for both you and your spouse.
  3. Take a moment. We are all busy, whether at home or at work. By the time the kids are in bed, I am not ready to be touched for a while. Similarly, if you work at a job where you have to talk a lot or are around people all day, you need a bit of quiet when you get home. I’m amazed at how even just 15 minutes alone can rejuvenate me and prepare me to better spend time with El Fury in the evening. Most of the time, this is just a nice hot shower.
  4. Make sex a habit. If sex is a regular part of your schedule, it’s going to happen! The same way you commit yourself to exercise and brushing your teeth, you should treat sex as a priority. If you’re already in the regular habit of having sex, you’re more likely to maintain a good sex life during the different seasons of life. You are in charge of your own time, and if something is important you should be able to carve out 30 minutes for it.
  5. Be flexible. If you have kids you have constant interruptions. They have lots of demands and very little patience. Even when I wake up early, am alert, and in the mood, there are times that things have to halt because there is a tiny person crying at the (locked) door. It’s frustrating, but it’s part of having these wonderful little people in your life. Keep trying. That evening. The next morning. Just keep trying!
  6. Communicate and ask for help. For me, the hours between 4 and 6 can make or break how I feel. Making dinner and cleaning up is often intense. When EF is able to help — with either clean up or baths, or just taking the kids away so I can prep dinner, it makes a world of difference. For less stress, try some slow-cooker meals. Anything you can to make dinner time less overwhelming will help!

Your spouse deserves your best, not just whatever you have left at the end of the day. Adjust yourself and your sex lives throughout whatever season you’re in. And remember, it’s only a season!

“Sex robots” are everywhere in the media these days, from television, to movies, to the news.

In HBO’s series “Westworld,” humans pay for sex with robots in an anything-goes Wild West-inspired theme park. In the movie “Her,” a man falls in love with his Siri-like operating system. And in AMC’s show “Humans,” a husband has an affair with his pretty robotic assistant.

It’s the stuff of science fiction. But could a world in which robots are at our sexual beck and call be nearer than we think? What would that mean for humanity and for our sex lives?

Most experts agree that we’re at least decades away from a true “Westworld” scenario. We just don’t have the technology to create robots that can function as realistic sex partners, but we may be getting closer.

You might think that’s icky, but I’ll bet many of you already have a sex robot in your bedroom…

Vibrators, dildos, and other toys can be great fun and enhance sex with your spouse, as long as you’re careful to make sure they don’t replace your spouse!

Well guess what? We just got a sex robot of our very own! It’s awesome in the bedroom, of course, but we’ve already used it in every room of the house. Say hello to our cute little Xiaomi Mi Robot Vacuum. It’s basically like a Roomba, but better.

How does a robot vacuum relate to sex, you ask? Does it have some… uh… special attachments? No, even better: it saves Sexy Corte two hours every week and a ton of stress. Vacuuming while surrounded by toddlers is a lot of work, and now the robot does almost all of it. She can spend those hours doing all sorts of other productive things, including sexy stuff with me!

So, husbands, would you like your wife to have less stress and more time and energy for sex? Consider buying her the ultimate sex robot, a robot vacuum: the robot that helps you have more sex with each other. And wives, every time that robot zooms past, make sure to give your husband a little vicarious “choreplay” credit for the work its doing.

Staying disciplined with our kids’ bedtimes has been one of the best habits that Sexy Corte and I have cultivated during our marriage. We’ve written two posts about protecting your master bedroom from your children and making it a haven for your sexual relationship, and it’s just as important to protect your time as your space.

When you have young children it’s easy for them to dominate every waking second of your life, but your sex life is going to suffer if you let that happen. Maintaining a consistent bedtime for your kids is important for their mental and physical health, your sanity, and your sex life. If your kids wake up and go to sleep when you do, it’s no surprise you don’t have time and energy for sex.

Children need structure and consistency, and they need a lot of sleep.

Among the children who were in bed by 8 p.m., 10 percent were obese as teens, compared to 16 percent of those who went to bed between 8 and 9 and 23 percent of those who went to bed after 9, according to the study, published in The Journal of Pediatrics.

Although the study does not prove that early bedtimes protect against obesity, Dr. Anderson said, “there is a great deal of evidence linking poor sleep, and particularly short sleep duration, to obesity, and it’s possible the timing of sleep may be important, above and beyond the duration of sleep.”

“This provides more evidence that having an early regular bedtime and bedtime routine for young children is helpful,” she said.

We try to have our younger kids in bed by seven every evening, and the older ones in bed by eight. They’re not always asleep by then, but they’re in bed and quiet. We stick to this schedule about six days a week, and the other day we’re likely to have some church or social event that keeps us out a later. Our kids are like all other kids: they stall, delay, and beg to stay up later, but they know the routine and are generally compliant.

This schedule gives me and Sexy Corte at least two hours together almost every evening. It’s very easy to have a babysitter watch the sleeping children while we go on a date (which we try to do monthly) but most of the time we spend the evening playing board games together — and having sex! Sexy Corte’s best time of day for orgasm has moved around over the years, and now the golden hour is right after we get the kids to bed. As you can imagine, I’m pretty motivated to tuck them in!

As our kids get older I’m sure they’ll stay up later, but we still plan to enforce a quiet time in the evening starting around eight. We’ll see how that goes!

We’re frequently shocked to learn that many of our friends have their kids in activities several nights per week, let them stay up until ten, or even let them sleep in the master bedroom. I don’t see how such parents ever find time for themselves. If you’re in this position and you can’t imagine how to change things around, check out our post about creating the habit of daily sex — it contains a bunch of good tips for creating good habits in your life and marriage.

Do you have any good ideas for protecting your time, space, and energy for sex?

One of the most frequent questions we get is: “How do you find time and energy to have an exciting sex life when you’ve got kids, jobs, church, and everything else going on?”

Sit down. I will now explain something to you that is very simple to understand, but very hard to execute:

You can’t have everything, but you can have what you want most if you prioritize it.

Your time and energy are finite resources, and everyone around you will drain them dry if you let them. Your boss will let you work as many hours for free as you want. Your kids will spend two hours eating dinner and stay up until midnight if you let them. Your church will let you serve every day of the week. Your friends will let you help them with every project. People on the internet will argue with you 24/7. Netflix will create more shows than you can possibly consume.

No-one will stop you from exhausting yourself for their benefit — except your spouse, if you’re blessed. The only one who can protect your time and energy is you.

Here’s an exhortation: if you don’t have time and energy for a great sex life with your spouse, that’s because it isn’t as important to you as all the other things you spend your time and energy on.

Yes, yes, I know: all the things you do are super-important… but is your sex life just an optional luxury? Not if you want your marriage to thrive! It’s easy to neglect your sex life because it’s not urgent, but don’t fall into the trap of mistaking urgency for importance.

Steven Covey created the Importance-Urgency Matrix, which is one of the best self-management tools that I’ve ever seen. The matrix divides your activities into four groups based on urgency and importance, and it’s best insight is that many urgent things are not important.

Covey_Time_Matrix_Web

 

  • Quadrant 1: Activities that are both important and urgent. These are emergencies that you need to handle now. Most people have no problem prioritizing these things.
  • Quadrant 2: Activities that are important, but not urgent — this generally includes your sex life, unless you’re super-horny right now. It also includes all kinds of long-term personal growth: learning, planning, relationship-building, serving. Quadrant 2 is what usually suffers when we mistakenly focus on…
  • Quadrant 3: Activities that are urgent, but not important. It’s so easy to get sucked into these. These tasks are often important to someone else who has made them urgent for you, but they aren’t important to your life. Just because something is urgent doesn’t mean it’s important! Say it out loud. This quadrant is tricky and deceptive. You can fill your entire day with these activities if you aren’t extremely diligent.
  • Quadrant 4: Activities that are just wasteful. Some people can get trapped in these lazy, pointless activities, but most adults can recognize this garbage. Checking your email every five minutes. Surfing Facebook. Worrying. Pouting. Substance abuse.

This is all basic time management stuff, but don’t lose sight of the fact that it applies to your sex life. Your sex life with your spouse should generally be in Quadrant 2 — important and not urgent — so don’t sacrifice it for deceptive Quadrant 3 junk.

Here’s the application: Identify the Quadrant 3 stuff in your life and stop doing it. It’s simple to say, but hard to do because many Quadrant 3 activities are bound up in your responsibilities and commitments to other people. You may not be able to quit immediately because you gave your word, but you can immediately start to unwind your commitments. Be warned: people will try to make you feel guilty — this is a trap! You don’t need to feel guilty for quitting unimportant activities.

If you don’t have time and energy for a great sex life with your spouse and you don’t have a newborn or a serious illness, then it’s your fault. You need to cut out some of your other activities. Be brave. Stand up to other peoples’ expectations and say no to Quadrant 3.

We hope the winter weather isn’t getting you down! Here are a few links that might warm things up for you.

Dancing for my husband: finding my inner sexy — Sexy dancing is sexy, and the appeal is the enthusiasm as much as the optics.

She loves foreplay — If he isn’t enjoying foreplay too, maybe you’re doing it wrong. Check out Old Faithful or any of our sex games.

Be a better lover, go out of your comfort zone — Make the most of your sexuality, you only live once.

Use multiple choice questions to learn about your spouse — Great idea! Someone needs to put together a list of multiple choice questions.

Instead of saying, “What do you need from me in bed?” I say, “What is the most important thing from me in bed? A) Paying attention to a particular body part, b) letting you do things to me even if I don’t think I’m in the mood, or c) doing something outside my comfort zone?”

5 ways to flirt — I like the “code words” idea… reminds me of secret message panties.

4 ways to love your husband when he’s being unlovable — #4 is “seduce the dude”, which I can confirm is effective.

Go ahead, be that couple — A little PDA won’t hurt anyone.

Time and sex — Suggestions for being more direct, which may seem unromantic but could nevertheless be helpful in this busy age.

Leave a note saying “Sex for both of us till 10, sex for just you till 11:30, and don’t even look at me sideways after midnight.”

Sleeping arrangements when you’ve got kids — Your bedroom is your sex room, no kids allowed! When I was a kid, I rarely even entered my parents’ bedroom.

Multiple orgasms for men — Kegels, prostate control…. I should try this out, but I’m skeptical. Giving Sexy Corte multiple orgasms is super awesome though.

Wives with higher sex drives — A series with multiple parts. Did women used to have higher sex drives than men?

Love dialects — We’ve written about love languages and sex, and here’s an example of digging deeper into quality time and physical touch.

If you want to share a link or your thoughts, leave a comment!

We hope everyone had a great Mother’s Day!

Mom knows best. Eating together at the table as a family is awesome. Ok, this isn’t sex-related, sorry.

Smooth as a Baby’s Butt. Yes, men should shave down there, too. You’ll both enjoy it.

What does he mean by “oral sex”? (It may not be what you think.) Or it may! But really, mouths are extremely versatile and there’s a lot you can do with them.

Faith in your marriage. “Society and the media will tell you that marriages ultimately decline. It’s a lie. If you walk in the truth of beliefs 1 and 2 above, then it is entirely possible to continually grow closer regardless of how long you’ve been married.” Amen!

Why mirrors are great to use during sex. How many people do this? We haven’t tried.

Tenderness. (A poem.)

Let’s talk time wasters. A great reminder of the importance of properly categorizing the urgent and important.

And if you want to read more sex/marriage posts, check out Happy hour.

Have a great week!

A little while ago El Fury did a post on How to Help Your Wife Orgasm. I think he made all great points, but there is one thing I would add. Time of day. This can also link back to communication, but I think it’s important to mention. Time of day has become a big factor for me with when I orgasm, especially with whatever season of life we are in. When El Fury and I were first married and had fewer commitments, this was much less of an issue. Anytime was pretty much the best time.

This changed significantly when kids got thrown in the mix. We still kept our sexy time routine, but since it takes much longer for me to orgasm, it especially impacted my schedule. It’s hard to be almost there and be able to finish when a baby cry starts blaring through a monitor! If something like that starts happening regularly, it can become pretty sexually frustrating. When you have a big adjustment like kids, career, etc. in life it’s important to also adjust your sex routine to make sure both spouses are getting the amount of sexual satisfaction they want.

Here are some different ways that we have adjusted our schedules to allow enough time for me to orgasm.

1. Set an alarm for snuggling and/or sex in the morning. If you are too sleepy, even just having that extra time to snuggle in the morning is a great way to start the day.

2. If you have kids that nap, get in the bedroom as soon as they go to sleep. As they start getting older, you can try to enforce “quiet time” so you can still get some time alone.

3. Set bedtime schedules and stick to them. Your marriage needs time alone and if you are anything like us, this time is best the few hours we have together after the kids go to bed. We fiercely guard bedtimes.

4. Have sex first. Right now in our season of life, I have the most energy right after the kids go to bed. This is when I have majority of my orgasms. I love it when we have sex, then go play a board game or watch TV. If we wait to have sex until we are both ready for bed and about to fall asleep, I am usually wiped from the day and not as much in the mood to orgasm.

As our kids get older and bedtimes change we have had to make periodic adjustments. Pay attention and figure out when you have the most energy in the day and are feeling the most sexy. Then communicate that with your spouse and make it a goal to have sex at that time. Your husband wants to give you an orgasm so help him figure out when is the best time to do that.