I thought it would be interesting to share my perspective on Choreplay after El Fury’s post. I have been thinking on this concept a while and have a few thoughts:

1. I agree that the idea of trading sex for chores seems like borderline prostitution. However, I also agree with our readers that if this is done in a lighthearted way, it can be fun. If you know that Acts of Service is your spouse’s love language, and can spice up doing dishes while being sexy, go for it! I do think it is dangerous to toy with using sex for manipulation, especially if you imply sex is on the table and don’t deliver it.

2. El Fury and I assume the more traditional gender chores naturally simply because I stay at home with our pre-schoolers. So, I am happy to take care of the majority of the chores while El Fury works. I can remember when I did work full time after our first baby was born. It was so hard to balance taking care of the baby, household chores, and spending time with our family. At that time of my life, I greatly appreciated any help El Fury would give with chores. It helped to ease the burden, and relieved some of my stress. I’m sure this did help to keep my libido intact, although I don’t recall looking at El Fury with a load of laundry and thinking, “ah yeah”. But, as one of our readers commented, less stress is better for sex, so it was probably indirectly related. I will say though, there is something very sexy about El Fury using his drill while wearing a plain white shirt. Rawr. So maybe the studies are right and women find man-chores sexy!

3. I think the studies El Fury cites are interesting. The study says that couples had sex 1.6 times more a month when couples assumed traditional gender chores. I am curious of what the base average amount of sex for those couples is. For us, having sex 1.6 times more a month isn’t really a lot! But, if you are a couple that isn’t having a lot of sex, that could be a lot more sex.

4. What I think is the most important part of this whole idea of choreplay is to find out what your spouse finds sexy, and do that. You are the ONLY person that can fulfill your spouse sexually. That is a big responsibility. Be interested, and be interesting to your spouse. I have heard before that you should be a student of your spouse. You love each other, so be sexy for each other.

The answer to this question (at least sometimes) should be naked! Sleeping naked is very sexy. Not only does your skin feel amazing right up against your spouse’s, but feeling nice and silky sheets as you sleep is an added bonus. If your spouse is always wanting sex in the morning, but you have a hard time rousing yourself for it, sleeping naked is an excellent way to get yourself in the mood. Those last lucid dreams can turn very erotic, especially if you are naked snuggling. You are sure to wake up with a voracious sexual appetite!

I know depending on where you live that the cold winter months might not make sleeping naked sound very enticing. But, it only takes a few minutes to warm up underneath the sheets, and it is definitely worth that little time of discomfort. Plus it gives you a good excuse to snuggle up close to your spouse until you are warm. Sometimes if I get up in the middle of the night I like to crawl back in bed naked so that El Fury gets a surprise in the morning. He definitely wakes up faster! Especially with Valentine’s Day coming up, why not give your spouse a sexy surprise that morning?

If you know of something else I need to link to, leave a comment or shoot me a message!

Is Make Up Sex Real? — Yes, you can repair small arguments with sex.

Holiday Refuge — In the chaos of the holidays, make you master bedroom (i.e., your sex room) a refuge.

Sexual Fantasy – Her Secret Sin? — If you’re having trouble staying “in the moment” while having sex, my suggestion is to intentionally increase your responsiveness.

Clitoral Slapping — This is new to us. Try it and let us know what you think!

Slippery When Wet: Lubricant Review, and More Lubricants — Lubes for every situation.

Is Your Husband the Sexiest Man Alive? — Your spouse is your standard of beauty.

Bow-Dazzle! — My favorite holiday sex tip? Christmas elf lingerie.

Sexy Corte is a dance move in the Tango. As the name implies, it is a very sexy move. It comes from a move simply called the Corte, which is when the dancers pause for a beat, and the woman extends her left leg out and looks over her left shoulder. The Sexy Corte starts with the regular Corte, but then the woman takes her left leg and very slowly slides it up and around her partner’s leg, and back down again. It is very sultry and seductive.

If you are looking for a way to spice up your marriage, I would recommend studying the Tango. El Fury and I took ballroom dancing for a while, and it was a lot of fun. The Tango was definitely our favorite. It is a spiteful, jealous dance that gives you the thrill of pursuing and being pursued. Especially once you learn a few moves and get over the awkward fumbling of beginning ballroom dancing, it is impossible not to feel sexy while doing this dance. It always made me want to rip El Fury’s clothes off right there. We don’t go to class anymore, but once in a while after the kids go to bed you can find us refreshing our Tango moves at home.

Bonnie Wallace has written a couple of posts with some reasons that husbands and wives don’t feel sexy. Some of them are physical/medical, but most of them are mental/emotional. Even some that appear to be physical are really mental/emotional. I won’t excerpt all the reasons, but they’re worth reading and Bonnie’s suggestions for addressing them are very constructive.

Rather than offering suggestions of my own, I’d like to share a couple of verses from the Bible. The first is part of a poem written by King David that beautifully describes the loving care God has invested into the creation of each of his children.

Psalm 139:13-18

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious concerning me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

God’s thoughts for each of his children are vast and precious. He has intricately woven each of us into exactly the wonderful form he intended.

The second passage is an exhortation for believers to present the members, the parts, of our bodies to God for his righteous use.

Romans 6:12-13

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.

We are commanded to discipline our minds and bodies and bring them into subjection to Christ. We must not only avoid sin, but go beyond that to present the parts of our bodies to God as instruments for righteousness. Included in this preparing and developing your mind and body for sexual relations with your spouse. There are many things your spouse can do to make you “feel sexy”, but the primary responsibility is yours. There are many things you can do to help your spouse feel sexy, but ultimately that responsibility belongs to your spouse and to God.

So if you don’t feel sexy, what should you do? Start with prayer. Ask God to reinvigorate your sex life with your spouse. Tell God that you want hot, frequent, satisfying sex with your spouse. Ask him to change you and your spouse to make it happen.

Second, confront any sin in your mind or body that is inhibiting you. Vanity over your imperfect looks? Gluttony? Lethargy? Contempt towards your spouse? Lust for other people? For husbands, a lack of love and sacrifice? A failure to lead spiritually? For wives, a lack of submission?

Finally, tell your spouse that you’re praying for your sex life and repenting of the sins that have held you back. Pick the right time for this conversation… don’t do it right after an unsatisfying sexual encounter. Don’t put the burden onto your spouse and say that you’re praying for them and their sin. When you bring it up, focus on God and what you’re asking him to do.

If your relationship with your spouse is in such dire condition that you don’t feel that you can have this conversation without it turning into a fight, then just don’t. God doesn’t need you to tell your spouse in order for him to work. Just start praying and confessing, and wait to see what God does.