Clitoral Stimulation 1

The Marriage Bed has a fascinating survey on female orgasm during intercourse with or without clitoral stimulation. As the charts show, most women need clitoral stimulation to climax regularly. I am definitely one of them. I have never had an orgasm with intercourse only. Intercourse feels great to me, but it can’t get me there without some help.

Part of what I found most interesting about the survey was reading the comments at the end. Women are all so different! We have very different bodies and very different sex lives. I found myself feeling envious when I read about the women that could orgasm easily with intercourse alone. Conversely I felt very grateful when I read about women that had a very difficult time.

After reading through the comments I felt convicted for my emotional response. God gave us the bodies we have, so there is no sense in wishing for something different. If we aren’t experiencing the pleasure we want to have, we need to communicate and work with our spouse to figure out how to achieve our desired level of sexual satisfaction. I think most husbands want to give their wives orgasms, but they might need some help figuring out what feels good. Don’t be afraid to communicate! When we first started using a vibrator, I was afraid to ask if we could use it. I didn’t want El Fury to feel slighted or like I preferred it over him. It took me some time to realize that he understands, loves and accepts my body just the way it is. He cares about getting me to climax, and if we have to use a vibrator while he is inside me, it doesn’t bother him at all. I love our sex life! If we hadn’t been able to communicate and willing to experiment, I probably still would never have had an orgasm. I’m glad I didn’t miss out on that!!

How to Rub a Clitoris: Pulling Back the Curtain 2

This post is also available as a podcast: Podcast #002: How to Rub a Clitoris

Not having been born with one myself, it took some time and experience for me to learn how to properly pleasure a clitoris — and I imagine most husbands are in the same boat. In fact, some surveys of women indicate that their husbands don’t really give their clits enough of the right attention. Hopefully this post will solve this problem for all couples everywhere for all time!

(The usual caveats apply: every woman is different, so when you use this advice make sure you continue to pay attention to what your own wife actually likes.)

First, here’s a diagram of the area in question.

clitoris

If your wife is lying on her back, you’ll notice that the vagina itself is south of the clitoris. Husbands often want to focus on the vagina: that’s where it’s wet, warm, and receptive to penetration. The vagina is certainly a good place to spend some time during foreplay, especially to spread around some of her natural lubrication. However, for most women that’s not where the action is.

I’m sure that most men know where the clitoris is — as you can see in the diagram, it’s north of your wife’s vagina, between her labia. I’m sure you’ve used your tongue and fingers in this area many times, once you’ve gotten her wet (from her own juices, your mouth, or some lube). However, what you may not have know is that her clitoris has a “hood” that’s very similar to a man’s foreskin.

The clitoris often hides in its hood even when stimulated. This means that your best efforts are essentially being muffled by an extra layer of skin. Sure, this feels good… about as good as when she licks the shaft of your penis. It feels good, but not as good as when she sucks right on the head.

Fortunately you can pull back the hood and expose more of the clit. Sometimes you can do this just by pushing back and up along the top of the clit with your tongue or finger, sliding under the hood to touch the clit directly. However, it can be more effective if you use the fingers of your other hand to gently pull back and up on the skin around the hood and thereby pull the hood back indirectly along with the other skin. You probably don’t want to pull on the hood itself, but pull it along with the surrounding skin. This can be tricky because the area should be pretty slick to ensure her comfort. (Her clitoris and the surrounding skin is more sensitive than the head of your penis… would you want rough, callused, dry fingers rubbing you there?)

When you’re successful you’ll see her clitoris emerge from its shelter, exposed and ready for pleasure. You may need to maintain the pulling/pressure on the surrounding skin to keep the hood drawn back and prevent the clitoris from retreating. With the clitoris itself you need to be extremely gentle — the nerve density is much higher than anywhere on the male body. Make sure your wife is wet enough to enjoy your touch.

Here are a few tips for actually rubbing your wife’s clit. It’s not exactly rocket science, so ask her what she likes!

  • Lick the alphabet. This time-worn advice has apparently been passed down from generation to generation, and it means exactly what it says. Lick each letter of the alphabet across her clit.
  • Circular pattern. Dance around her clit in circles, reversing direction periodically. Use more of your finger than just the tip, because as you can see in the diagram above the clit is a line, not a point.
  • Up and down pattern. Slide the length of your finger (not just fingertip) up and down over her clit. This movement can also help push the hood back, but the downward stroke often pushes it back in place.
  • Fingertip or tongue flicking. Flick her clit with the tip of your finger or tongue. It seems like this is mostly a teaser move and your wife will likely pull you in for more pressure.
  • Suck her clit. Take the whole area into your mouth and suck. This will often pull the clit out of its hiding place and expose it to your tongue, but you can use your hand to pull back the hood if necessary. The suction will pull blood into the clit and make it more sensitive, just like when she sucks on you.
  • Two-finger slide. Place your index and middle fingers on either slide of her clit and squeeze, sliding up and down. You can also slide them down into her vagina periodically just to keep her guessing. The diagram above doesn’t show it, but the nerves in the clitoris are actually shaped like a wishbone and go down deeper into her body under the labia, so the two-finger slide can help stimulate the full length.
  • No retreat. This can be tricky and you want to be careful not to hurt her, but once you have the hood pulled back from her clit you can gently pinch the hood above her clit to prevent it from retreating. This move will let you use a little more force on the clit itself without it being able to get away.
  • Curl your tongue. It depends on your genes, but if you can curl your tongue you can surround your wife’s clit on every side.
  • With penetration. If your wife is like Sexy Corte, she’ll  reach orgasm more easily with you inside her. Put your penis or fingers in her while you rub or lick, and find the depth that works best with what you’re doing on the outside. This is the adult version of rubbing your head and patting your stomach at the same time. See also: Zoom Technique.
  • Endurance. Don’t give up! Some women can reach orgasm in just a few minutes, but most women will require 15 minutes to an hour of manual or oral stimulation to climax. Don’t ask her repeatedly “are you close yet?” Learn to read her body. Your wife might feel selfish or discouraged if it takes her a while to have an orgasm, so be sure to let her know how much you enjoy giving her pleasure.
  • Variation. In my experience it’s good to vary your technique and movements while your wife is warming up, but as she gets close to orgasm it’s best to stick with one pattern until she climaxes.

If you’ve got any tips to share please post them in the comments! I’m always eager to learn something new.

Against "Duty Sex" 3

When I wrote about conjugal rights I mentioned that the term includes more than a right to sex:

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

So there’s more than the right to sexual relations, but sex is certainly an important component of conjugal rights. If sex with your spouse is an obligation, then some people have coined a term for when you force yourself to have sex when you aren’t really interested: “duty sex”. Ugh! And let’s be honest… it’s usually wives who are expected to have “duty sex” with their husbands.

Dan at Frankly Speaking has written a great series on this unappealing concept, with four posts so far. (That link takes you to part four, and it includes links to the first three parts.) No one wants “duty sex”, neither giver nor receiver, neither husband nor wife, so how do we grow past it? How do we fulfill our obligation to satisfy our partner without making everyone miserable?

Dan’s target audience is wives, but I’m sure there are plenty of instances in which the husband is the one losing interest. Let me whet your appetite with a brief excerpt:

What does a wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feel like?

She feels in touch with her sensuous nature; her sexuality. She feels as if she is waiting for your touch and will ignite when that happens. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels like an arched back, hips rising and pushing to meet you. She feels like her body is always seeking the best position, just the right angle; constantly in motion to maximize both of your pleasures. A wife who feels sexual pleasure enjoys the feel of differing textures against her body. She feels warm and wet in all the right places. She feels as if she would take all of you in her if it were possible. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels inviting toward and desirous of her husband’s attentions.  Her body feels as if it is swelling with anticipation in preparation for those attentions. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure shows her husband so by not only finding pleasure in her orgasms but in seeing her husband wear those orgasms like a badge on his chest.

This is good stuff, especially for wives who just don’t know what their husbands will respond to — and husbands who may not know how to express their desires. There’s a lot more, so go read the whole series.

Fulfilling our spouse sexually is an obligation, but it should not and need not be done grudgingly. Our obligation is more than allowing our bodies to be used as sexual props. We also need to engage mentally and emotionally with our spouse and to pour our whole selves into the sexual relationship. The result should look nothing like “duty sex”.

"Old Faithful" Oral Sex Position 4

Sexy Corte and I like to experiment and change things up, but like most couples we have some favorite positions that we use frequently. We call one of these Old Faithful because it very reliably leads to a powerful eruption.

The position is pretty simple: I lay on my back while Sexy Corte kneels over my body at a 90-degree angle with her legs spread. I play with her lady bits while she performs oral sex on me. I’ll use my fingers to play all around outside and inside her body (see: Zoom Technique) to the point that she usually loses focus and forgets what she’s supposed to be doing.

Old Faithful can be carried to completion and it’s one of the best positions for getting Sexy Corte off with my fingers. Sometimes she has a hard time reaching orgasm if I’m not inside her, and Old Faithful makes this possible. From my perspective, there’s almost nothing hotter than my wife having a powerful orgasm with me in her mouth.

After Sexy Corte comes she can either finish me off with Old Faithful, or we can transition to a different position. As you know, there are many positions that are lots of fun but aren’t that stimulating for a woman, so Old Faithful is great as a starter to make sure that Sexy Corte is always satisfied.

Similarly, sometimes we use Old Faithful purely as foreplay and transition before either of us reaches orgasm. Once we’re warmed up we’ll frequently move to “The Usual”, which is a subject for a later post.

Also see: “New Faithful” for a variation that doesn’t make the wife do all the work.

I Can't Have An Orgasm! 5

That is what I used to think. Fortunately for me, I have a husband who is diligent and cares about my orgasm as well as his own. It didn’t take long for him to figure out how to bring me to climax manually (my thoughts: “oh, that’s where the clitoris is!”) However, it took a while for us to figure out how to get me there with intercourse. We tried a lot of different positions, but unless my clit is directly stimulated, I am not able to orgasm.

One night we were trying to be efficient (let’s face it, reaching climax manually takes some time!) and we tried using a “silver bullet” vibrator while I was on top. WOW! It was a totally different type of orgasm. Now this is my favorite position. I try to savor it, but sometimes I reach climax embarrassingly fast. This is a long ways from when I used to think I would never be able to orgasm.

God made our bodies to be able to experience pleasure inside of marriage. Sometimes it takes work to figure out how to experience that pleasure! I’m so glad we kept trying!