I previously wrote about the Harry Potter trivia night we had, wherein I tied Sexy Corte down and asked her trivia questions while I licked and vibrated her. The primary sexual element we used is called edging — a form of orgasm control. We’re geeks, and the trivia game just created a fun mechanism for Sexy Corte to ask for permission to orgasm and for me to give it.

At its most elementary, edging is pretty simple to explain: carefully adjust the level of stimulation so you stay close to the edge of orgasm without going over. A person is brought almost to the point of orgasm, and then the stimulation is lessened a little to avoid orgasm — repeat the cycle for as long as you want. By maintaining a highly aroused state very close to orgasm its possible to build up huge sexual tension that leads to a very strong orgasm when its finally released.

There are two primary forms of edging in a marriage.

  1. Husband restrains his orgasm to give his wife enough time to climax. This is probably the most common form of edging, and likely familiar to all husbands. It typically takes longer for a wife to climax than it does for her husband, so husbands work really hard to avoid climaxing too early while maintaining an erection. This is a skill that most men can learn, and I’d say it’s pretty essential for most marriages. Eventually, the husband should be able to have pretty good control over when he climaxes, and with some cues from his wife they can both reach orgasm simultaneously when desired. This form of edging is almost entirely on the husband’s part — even for a wife who orgasms quickly and easily, there generally isn’t any reason for her to hold back.
  2. One spouse controls the other’s orgasm. This is the form of edging where teasing comes into play. Whichever spouse is dominant (in that moment) stimulates the submissive spouse without allowing her to reach orgasm. Orgasm control is usually exercised in one of two ways.
    1. The dominant spouse varies the stimulation to prevent orgasm. This method uses physical control to keep the submissive spouse from reaching orgasm, no matter how hard she tries. The submissive spouse doesn’t have to control herself, and in fact you can even make a game out of trying to reach orgasm without tipping off the dominant spouse. For this method, the dominant spouse needs to be highly attuned to the other person’s sexual responsiveness cues in order to keep her right at the edge (especially if she’s really trying to go over).
    2. The dominant spouse withholds permission to orgasm. In this method of edging, the dominant spouse likely maintains a high level of stimulation and it’s the submissive spouse’s responsibility to refrain from orgasm until she receives permission. The dominant spouse still needs to read the submissive spouse’s cues and tailor the stimulation, but the game here is to to test just how obedient she can be while you stimulate her relentlessly.

So why would you want to experiment with edging in your marriage? Lots of reasons! Please allow me another list.

  1. Edging takes a long time. Yes, this is an advantage. Sexual encounters built around edging create an opportunity to invest a lot of time with your spouse. Quickies are great fast food, but an edging session can be a fabulous buffet. Why waste an hour or two watching television when you could spend the time making love with your spouse? Sure, you probably can’t do it every day when you have sex, but you can make time once a week to really pour yourself into your spouse’s sexuality.
  2. Edging helps you learn your spouse. Do you want to learn more about what your spouse physically likes? Edging will give you the opportunity to play with your spouse’s body and try out all sorts of things that you may not have time for when your primary goal is to just reach orgasm. You can watch how your spouse responds to every touch, and even learn what touches she prefers at varying levels or arousal. (Hint: the move that pushes her over the edge may not be the best way to get her to the edge in the first place.)
  3. Edging creates a fun power dynamic. It can be fun both to take control of your spouse and to give up control to your spouse, and edging creates an inherent power dynamic. Controlling your spouse’s orgasm can be a huge rush, as can be receiving the prolonged stimulation. I highly recommend trying both ends of the power dynamic.
  4. Edging can be the basis for many sex games. The gradual build-up from foreplay to stimulation to orgasm is a common element of many sex games. It’s super fun to ask your wife trivia questions or have her tell a sexy story and make her concentrate on her mental task while you eat her out.
  5. Edging leads to huge orgasms. The more you tease and delay, the stronger the ultimate orgasm tends to be. (Just don’t drag things out too long; you don’t want your spouse to get bored.)
  6. Edging can increase semen volume. If you want the husband to ejaculate more, make him work for it. Longer foreplay, including edging, means more semen when your husband ejaculates.
  7. Edging lets you hear your spouse beg for it. Nothing is sexier than enthusiasm, and nothing shows more enthusiasm than when your spouse pleads for an orgasm. For a husband, nothing is hotter than hearing your wife beg for penetration.

As for actual techniques, you’ll have to experiment with your spouse. For us, it’s a mixture of wand and egg vibrators, bondage, tongues, fingers, and genitals. Share your own tips, questions, and experiences in the comments!

Sexy Corte and I have been inching our way through the Harry Potter movies in the evenings after the kids go to bed. We both enjoy the movies and the books, but SC is a super-fan. The movies are entertaining but confusing, and after we shut off the television it seems I’ve always got a million questions to ask SC about the series while we are getting ready for bed. So, I figured, why not make a sex game out of it?

  1. I found some Harry Potter trivia on the internet (not hard to do!) and picked out a bunch of questions. If Harry Potter isn’t your thing, pick something else. Maybe Star Wars trivia for the husband? Bible trivia? Civil War history? Prepare the questions (and answers) in advance and print them out or put them in a document on your phone/tablet.
  2. In addition to the trivia questions, I gathered the rest of the required toys. When I’m planning to do something elaborate, especially something that involves restraints, I try to make sure that all the toys are prepared and positioned in advance so that we don’t lose momentum while we’re playing. In this case, the toys were simple: wand vibrator and egg vibrator.
  3. Then I stripped SC down and tied her near the edge of the bed with her legs spread using our under-mattress restraint system (which is always prepared for use). I intended to use a blindfold, but it turned out to be more fun to watch her face. Once I had SC tied down I applied the wand vibrator and explained the rules.

Tie, Tease, Trivia Rules.

  • I apply the vibrator to you and ask you trivia questions. If the husband is the contestant, the wife can use her hand and mouth to stimulate him. The goal is to provide constant, low-level stimulation to tease the contestant while she tries to focus on the questions.
  • When you get one right, I go down on you. This is the motivation for the contestant to stay focused on her task. The frequent swapping between vibrator and mouth drove SC crazy, along with the tip of my finger teasing penetration. If the husband is the contestant, the wife can use both her mouth and lady bits to reward correct answers.
  • When you get one wrong…. I had considered using ice to penalize incorrect answers, but decided against it. Your mileage may vary, depending on the temperament of your contestant. When SC got one wrong I feigned great disappointment, shook my head, and ran the tips of my fingers along her inner thighs. I’d ramp up her stimulation and then remove it briefly, to her great frustration.
  • You may not orgasm until you score 10 points. Ramp up the stimulation and remind her that she isn’t allowed to come yet. Make light conversation and push her to the edge while you slowly peruse your set of questions. Make her beg for the next question. “Do you want an easy one or a hard one?” Make her keep score. “How many points do you have now? I forget. Are you sure?” Award bonus points and extra licking when she earns it, and take a point and stimulation away if she misses an easy one. Take your time.
  • Eventually, you win. When you’re ready to end the game, tell her that the questions are over. Ask her how many points she earned. Ramp up the simulation. “Do you think you’ve earned an orgasm?” Make her say yes, she’s earned it. Praise her performance under pressure. “You did great, sweetie. I think you earned an orgasm. Go ahead and get it.” Then give it to her.

“You must think I’m a huge dork,” Sexy Corte laughed at the beginning of the game. Afterwards she asked, “Do you think you can find more Harry Potter questions?”

With Fifty Shades of Grey everywhere you look (including Target, right next to the kids toothbrushes, ew!) there’s a lot of interest in bondage, and a lot of couples are experimenting with stuff they never would have thought of before. However, if you’re like me and have no intention of reading those books or watching the movies, you may be wondering what the big deal is — why would anyone want to be restrained during sex? Well, I know nothing about the BDSM “scene” so I can’t speak very broadly, but I can tell you in one word why Sexy Corte and I periodically enjoy adding some light bondage to our sexy time: vulnerability.

To understand bondage let’s talk first about the goal, then the methods, then why it’s fun. The goal is simple: voluntarily restrain one spouse to enhance his or her vulnerability and submission. It seems most common for the wife to be restrained, but I’ve had Sexy Corte tie me down and tease me and it was lots of fun. Usually though, it’s me restraining her. The purpose of the restraint is to give control of your body to your spouse, not to be painful or uncomfortable. Submitting to bondage is a huge demonstration of trust to your spouse because it puts your naked body into their control and makes you supremely vulnerable. The bondage benefits both the dominant and the submissive spouse by giving the dominant person permission to act, and the submissive person permission to let go. The various toys described below are only used to accent the submission that has already been agreed to.

There are limitless methods of bondage, but they generally share a few common features.

  • Nakedness. The submissive spouse will usually be restrained naked, or at least with her sexy bits exposed. Being naked with your spouse is already a big show of trust, and being restrained kicks it up a notch.
  • Hand restraint. Often the submissive’s hands are restrained to prevent her from “protecting” herself. (I use quotes, because of course nothing should be happening against the submissive’s desires.) Hands can be restrained above the head (for example, tied to the headboard), behind the back, in front (for front-to-back positions), or even attached to the ankles. Hand restraint is probably the most common element of light bondage. Get those hands out of the way!
  • Leg restraint. Legs, ankles, and knees can be restrained to keep the wife’s legs spread or to prevent movement in general. Leg restraint is an important element of position restraint and orgasm control.
  • Head restraint. Head or neck restraint could be uncomfortable or even dangerous. This isn’t something we do.
  • Eye restraint. Covering the submissive’s eyes can add another layer of trust and enhance vulnerability. Using a blindfold can really make extended foreplay exciting.
  • Mouth restraint. Sometimes you just want to hear your spouse moan with pleasure instead of talk. Sometimes talking is distracting. Taking away the option to talk can be liberating for the person who is restrained. Always be sure that anyone whose mouth is covered can breathe freely and can signal a desire to stop.
  • Position restraint. A combination of restraints can be used to hold the submissive spouse in a certain position, say for spanking. This can be critical for orgasm delay and multiple orgasms, which we’ll talk about below.

So what are the actual devices that can be used for bondage play? Almost anything you can imagine can be incorporated, but here are a few ideas. Each of these items probably deserves its own post!

liberator

Wedge pillows. Sexy Corte and I enjoy these a lot for positioning, and they include attachments for…

Hand cuffs. We use some padded strips with velcro for closures and plastic clips that can be attached together or to the wedges. We’ve tried metal cuffs in the past, but they’re quite uncomfortable if you’re laying on them.

under-mattress

Under-the-mattress restraints. Looks complicated, but it’s not. The cuffs can be tucked under the mattress when not in use. These are especially useful if you don’t have a headboard suitable for tying to.

blindfold

Blindfold. If you want to improvise, use a neck tie or panties.

Gags can be similarly improvised, or you can buy one.

swing

Sex swing. We have one that can be quickly hung in a door frame and be used for a ton of positions. It’s easier than it looks.

spreader_bar

Spreader bar. Keeps those legs apart. Can be used in many positions, including standing, but isn’t great for missionary. I made ours with a wooden dowel and some eye screws.

pull-up-bar

Pull-up bar. These can be mounted in a door way and used as a restraint point for securing someone in a standing position. Also great for getting ripped.

an-unassuming-silver-bullet-vibrator-apparently-inspired-some-bawdy-attention-from-a-tsa-agent-who

 

Vibrator. There are many kinds, but we find the egg vibrator to be the most versatile. We buy cheap ones (around $7 from Amazon) and replace them once or twice a year when they wear out. We also keep rechargeable batteries charging in our bedroom. A wand vibrator can also be useful for longer duration games or when you need more reach.

Rope. Check out our intro to shibari for some awesome ideas!

karada

(Let me point out that you don’t actually need any toys! This post is getting long enough, so I won’t go into detail, but look forward to a future post on mental-only bondage.)

Finally, what’s fun about bondage anyway?

  • Intimacy. Like I said at the beginning: the essence of bondage is vulnerability, and vulnerability is the key to intimacy. Bondage will teach you new things about your spouse’s mind and body. Bondage will let you explore new levels of sexual trust. Bondage exposes you to each other in amazing ways.
  • Passion. Let’s face it: there can be something hot about dominating your spouse or submitting to his or her will. Maybe your sex is normally gentle and loving, and bondage lets you get a little rougher and more physically intense.
  • Foreplay. Bondage requires time to execute, and all that time can be used as foreplay focused on the spouse being bound.
  • Orgasm delay. Also known as teasing or edging. When the submissive spouse is free to move she can position her body just the right way to reach orgasm, and bondage can take away that ability and give control to the dominant spouse. It can be extremely difficult for a person to willingly back off from an orgasm when it’s close, but when using bondage the dominant spouse can pull back and keep the submissive spouse right on the edge without going over. This can make the orgasm incredibly powerful when it eventually comes.
  • Multiple orgasms. After a woman orgasms her clitoris may become intensely sensitive, such that further stimulation is uncomfortable. If her hands and legs are free she may push the stimulation away for relief. However, if she is bound such that she can’t “protect” her clitoris her husband can continue with the stimulation and bring her to multiple orgasms. Sexy Corte describes these as an unending plateau of orgasm, rather than the peak and descent of the normal experience. They’re also quite exhausting, so this probably isn’t something you’ll do every day. As a husband, giving my wife multiple orgasms is one of my absolute favorite things.
  • Fantasy. Bondage can be used as an element of fantasy or role-playing. It feels naughty, and once you’re in the naughty mindset you can free yourself to try some things that you normally wouldn’t. He’s the villain and she’s the kidnapped princess? She’s the super-spy and he’s the captured rogue agent who knows where the bomb is hidden?
  • Exploration. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for our sexual desires, even when the marriage has good communication. Bondage can be an avenue for exploring desires that are difficult to speak out loud but perhaps easier to request non-verbally while in the moment. New experiences can break old habits, and you’re already feeling naughty, right?
  • Escapism. Maybe it’s a minor form of dissociation, but bondage be a form of escapism from everyday life into a secret world of sex with your spouse.
  • Novelty. Bondage introduces a myriad of new sexual options, new ways to play, new positions, new toys, and maybe even new desires.

In the end bondage should be fun and promote intimacy and vulnerability in your marriage. As always, enthusiasm and responsiveness will ensure that you get the most from your sexual experience.

Let us know what you think in the comments! What are you experiences? Do you have any suggestions to add?