Reader “LM” sent us a long email with several questions, so let’s address each in turn.

I’m writing as a BIG fan of your blog. My fiancée (girlfriend at the time) and I started reading your blog last summer, as a way to facilitate healthy conversations about sex. It has been so helpful to have conversation starters from a Christian perspective, and it has helped us have open and honest conversations about expectations for sex inside marriage. We recently got engaged, and are getting married in March. As the big day gets closer, we decided to put together a list of some questions we had, in the hopes that you could provide some insight.

Congratulations on your engagement! It means so much to us to receive emails like this. We write this blog to edify Christian marriages, and we’re very encouraged when we hit our target. (It’s worth linking to an earlier post for newlyweds: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex.)

Before we get to LM’s specific questions, I should say that it’s not our place to give or withhold permission for what you do in your marriage — that’s between you, your spouse, and God. Read Can we *BLANK*? for more info, and check out 1 Corinthians 8. Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit with discernment and humility.

Here are the questions.

1) We’re both very excited about role play, however, we had a question. In almost all role playing scenarios (teacher-schoolgirl, KGB agent-American spy, etc), the characters are not married. In this case, are you acting out a scenario (sex between unmarried people) that is not honoring to God? OR is it ok because the people actually having sex (me and my soon to be wife) ARE married?

2) Speaking of role play, have you guys ever played out a scenario which has caused you to lust after an actor / actress? My fiancée is a huge Lord of the Rings / Harry Potter fan, and would love to role play some of those characters. My worry is that that might cause one or both of us to think about the actors or actresses we’re role playing during sex instead of each other.

These two questions are great examples of the need for discernment and wisdom. Strictly speaking, you aren’t sinning if your sexual thoughts are aimed exclusively at your spouse. However, if this kind of role-play causes your sexual focus to wander away from your spouse, then it might be sin for you and you should avoid it. You need to be honest with each other, with yourselves, and with God. Flee from sexual immorality and do whatever most strengthens your marriage and your walk with God.

Sexy Corte and I don’t role-play as characters from pop culture — we make up our own characters, and have quite a collection. Characters from books and movies aren’t real people, so lusting after your-wife-as-Hermione doesn’t seem problematic to me.

Also, make sure you check out Tie, Tease, Trivia: Harry Potter Edition.

3) Have you guys ever had sex to music, and found yourself lusting after the artist singing the song? There is some really sexy music out there, but I’m worried that I might end up thinking about the singer during sex, if it’s someone I find attractive.

We occasionally play music during sex, and lusting after the artist had never occurred to us. If music is a stumbling block for you then don’t use it, or listen to music performed by ugly artists!

4) We’ve seen your recommendations to shave prior to the wedding night, but we’re worried that after one or two days of smooth, things may get prickly and uncomfortable. Is there a way to avoid this?

We’ve written about shaving for husbands and wives, and we both really enjoy the sensations of having smooth skin. Of course, shaved hair grows back! We typically shave every few days in the shower, and it only takes a couple of minutes once you’re proficient. If you don’t want to maintain it so frequently you can try waxing, but the hair will still grow back (and waxing costs a lot more money than shaving). You can also try laser hair removal, which costs even more money but can eliminate the hairs (almost) permanently. It’s really a matter of preference.

5) What do couples usually do when the woman is a virgin and there’s the potential that she’ll bleed in the hotel room? Do you just leave it and let the maid change the sheets the next day? Do you bring your own sheets?

Put down a towel and/or leave a nice tip. Honeymoon nights aren’t unique in dirtying hotel sheets, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Do yourself a favor and don’t inspect your hotel room with a UV light.

6) One of the things we’ve talked about is the idea of dirty talk, particularly if it involves cussing. We think it could be hot, but we wanted to hear your thoughts.

Sexy time is pretty much the only time we swear, and yes, it can be hot. There’s nothing sinful about any particular words — it’s all about how you use them. If the words edify your marriage, then great! If they insult or discomfort your spouse, then don’t use them.

Got some thoughts to share? Please leave a comment!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

A couple of weeks ago reader KL wrote to ask for some tips for his wedding night, and now he writes back with great news:

Update!!!!

Wedding night happened and it was awesome! We took your advice and decided to really focus on foreplay for most of the late evening before going for it. Showering together after the reception was a plus as well. We went with the standard missionary and I came in about 30 seconds, but we laughed and had a great night falling asleep afterwards. Since then we’ve had sex about 4 or 5 times but it’s been difficult for me to get all the way in. She says she’s having some pain during intercourse so we’re still working on that. Thanks for your advice!
Congratulations to the newlyweds! We pray that they have many decades of awesome sex ahead of them.
Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Reader KL writes:

Can I get some advice? I’m a in my early-twenties and engaged to be married soon to my girlfriend. I’m beyond excited, obviously, but to be be honest I’m also insanely nervous about our first time together in bed that night. Neither of us have had intercourse before, and I’m not really sure what to do. I was just wondering about your thoughts on the best way to “start a marriage”, if that makes sense? What position is best? Should I groom and all that before hand? Am I too big or too small? What do we do for our first time? Where do most guys finish the first time? Does it really matter? Your blog seems like a safe spot to get some of these answers. Thanks for any advice or help you can give!

(Update: don’t miss the follow-up after KL and his bride’s wedding night.)

First of all, congratulations to you and your bride! Your decision to be obedient to God and abstain from intercourse before marriage will pay dividends for many years to come. Hopefully the two of you have had a candid and explicit talk about sex already to set expectations for your future together. (See: “How to talk about sex before you get married”.)

Second, let’s talk about some preparation for your wedding night. (This post will be written for the groom-to-be, since that’s who asked the question, but much of the advice is applicable for the bride as well.)

  • Grooming. Yes, you should shave your man-parts before your wedding night! If a lady were asking, we’d also recommend that she groom her lady-bits. It’s certainly not necessary, but we find that it enhances hygiene and intimacy.
  • Lube. Bring some water-based lube — you can buy it for $3 at Wal-Mart. No need for anything expensive or fancy. If you’re planning to have sex in the water you’ll want some silicone-based lube… but sex in the water is overrated.
  • Towels. Put some hand towels near the bed. Sex is messy, and lube makes it even more messy. You’ll have more fun snuggling if you don’t have to constantly get up to wipe your hands.
  • Research. Read these: How to Rub a Clitoris and How To Help Your Wife Orgasm. You may also enjoy the book “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman — it has a chapter about making your first time great.
  • Prayer. When you’re all naked and in bed with your bride, pray together! Ask God to bless your sex life, and thank him for your marriage. God wants you to have an awesome sex life, so don’t be embarrassed to pray for it!

Third, here’s a step-by-step plan for what to do when you’re having sex for the first time. This plan isn’t written in stone — be sure to adapt to what your wife says and does.

(Update: Several commenters have shared that they didn’t have sex at all on their wedding nights (for various reasons) — so don’t put too much pressure on yourselves!)

  1. Lay down with your wife. Hold her, hug her, kiss her, and tell her how much you love her. Touch her all over her body.
  2. Lay your wife on her back, and lay yourself next to her on your side so that your dominant arm can reach between her legs (your other arm can go behind her head). Apply a pea-sized dab of lube to your wife’s vagina. Rub the lube around her vulva and up onto her clitoris, making the whole area slick. Your wife may or may not produce much natural lubrication — every woman is different, and she might be nervous.
  3. Rub her clitoris and vulva a lot, as described in the research links above. Continue holding her and kissing her. How will you know that you’ve touched enough? She’ll get flushed, breathe harder, and beg you to penetrate her. It might take a while for her to get really aroused, but there’s no rush — it’ll happen.
  4. Ideally you will be able to bring your wife to orgasm now with your hand or your mouth. (She probably won’t have an orgasm when you penetrate her, so this time is for her!) Ask your wife to look into your eyes while you touch her, and maintain eye contact. Use tiny, fast, gentle circular motions on her clitoris until she climaxes in your arms. Watch her face! Absorb the experience. This will be one of your most precious sexual memories.
  5. After she climaxes, keep her on her back and move yourself on top of her, laying between her legs. Missionary position is easy and intimate for your first time. Rub the head of your penis up and down over her vulva and between her lips. This motion should drive her crazy, and it also gets some lube on you to ease penetration. If the lube has dried, apply more lube! You may need to use your fingers to spread her lips and position your head directly against her opening.
  6. Look into her eyes and tell her how much you love her. Ask her to maintain eye contact again while you penetrate her. Wait for her to invite you in. While you’re looking into each others’ eyes, slowly slide your penis into her. Go slow and be gentle — it might hurt her a little, but if she’s lubed and warmed up it shouldn’t be too bad. If it hurts a lot, slow down and work on enhancing her arousal. Follow the cues her body gives you.
  7. Once you’re in, continue kissing her. Move slowly in and out until you have an orgasm. Unless you have some reason not to, the best place to ejaculate is inside her vagina.
  8. Has she had an orgasm yet? Ask her if she wants one. Use your hands or mouth to satisfy her. If she doesn’t want one, that’s fine also.
  9. Continue holding each other and snuggling for as long as you want.

I hope that plan is helpful! If any readers want to share a tip for newlyweds please leave a comment!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.