Reader “LM” sent us a long email with several questions, so let’s address each in turn.

I’m writing as a BIG fan of your blog. My fiancée (girlfriend at the time) and I started reading your blog last summer, as a way to facilitate healthy conversations about sex. It has been so helpful to have conversation starters from a Christian perspective, and it has helped us have open and honest conversations about expectations for sex inside marriage. We recently got engaged, and are getting married in March. As the big day gets closer, we decided to put together a list of some questions we had, in the hopes that you could provide some insight.

Congratulations on your engagement! It means so much to us to receive emails like this. We write this blog to edify Christian marriages, and we’re very encouraged when we hit our target. (It’s worth linking to an earlier post for newlyweds: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex.)

Before we get to LM’s specific questions, I should say that it’s not our place to give or withhold permission for what you do in your marriage — that’s between you, your spouse, and God. Read Can we *BLANK*? for more info, and check out 1 Corinthians 8. Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit with discernment and humility.

Here are the questions.

1) We’re both very excited about role play, however, we had a question. In almost all role playing scenarios (teacher-schoolgirl, KGB agent-American spy, etc), the characters are not married. In this case, are you acting out a scenario (sex between unmarried people) that is not honoring to God? OR is it ok because the people actually having sex (me and my soon to be wife) ARE married?

2) Speaking of role play, have you guys ever played out a scenario which has caused you to lust after an actor / actress? My fiancée is a huge Lord of the Rings / Harry Potter fan, and would love to role play some of those characters. My worry is that that might cause one or both of us to think about the actors or actresses we’re role playing during sex instead of each other.

These two questions are great examples of the need for discernment and wisdom. Strictly speaking, you aren’t sinning if your sexual thoughts are aimed exclusively at your spouse. However, if this kind of role-play causes your sexual focus to wander away from your spouse, then it might be sin for you and you should avoid it. You need to be honest with each other, with yourselves, and with God. Flee from sexual immorality and do whatever most strengthens your marriage and your walk with God.

Sexy Corte and I don’t role-play as characters from pop culture — we make up our own characters, and have quite a collection. Characters from books and movies aren’t real people, so lusting after your-wife-as-Hermione doesn’t seem problematic to me.

Also, make sure you check out Tie, Tease, Trivia: Harry Potter Edition.

3) Have you guys ever had sex to music, and found yourself lusting after the artist singing the song? There is some really sexy music out there, but I’m worried that I might end up thinking about the singer during sex, if it’s someone I find attractive.

We occasionally play music during sex, and lusting after the artist had never occurred to us. If music is a stumbling block for you then don’t use it, or listen to music performed by ugly artists!

4) We’ve seen your recommendations to shave prior to the wedding night, but we’re worried that after one or two days of smooth, things may get prickly and uncomfortable. Is there a way to avoid this?

We’ve written about shaving for husbands and wives, and we both really enjoy the sensations of having smooth skin. Of course, shaved hair grows back! We typically shave every few days in the shower, and it only takes a couple of minutes once you’re proficient. If you don’t want to maintain it so frequently you can try waxing, but the hair will still grow back (and waxing costs a lot more money than shaving). You can also try laser hair removal, which costs even more money but can eliminate the hairs (almost) permanently. It’s really a matter of preference.

5) What do couples usually do when the woman is a virgin and there’s the potential that she’ll bleed in the hotel room? Do you just leave it and let the maid change the sheets the next day? Do you bring your own sheets?

Put down a towel and/or leave a nice tip. Honeymoon nights aren’t unique in dirtying hotel sheets, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Do yourself a favor and don’t inspect your hotel room with a UV light.

6) One of the things we’ve talked about is the idea of dirty talk, particularly if it involves cussing. We think it could be hot, but we wanted to hear your thoughts.

Sexy time is pretty much the only time we swear, and yes, it can be hot. There’s nothing sinful about any particular words — it’s all about how you use them. If the words edify your marriage, then great! If they insult or discomfort your spouse, then don’t use them.

Got some thoughts to share? Please leave a comment!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sexy Corte and I have been inching our way through the Harry Potter movies in the evenings after the kids go to bed. We both enjoy the movies and the books, but SC is a super-fan. The movies are entertaining but confusing, and after we shut off the television it seems I’ve always got a million questions to ask SC about the series while we are getting ready for bed. So, I figured, why not make a sex game out of it?

  1. I found some Harry Potter trivia on the internet (not hard to do!) and picked out a bunch of questions. If Harry Potter isn’t your thing, pick something else. Maybe Star Wars trivia for the husband? Bible trivia? Civil War history? Prepare the questions (and answers) in advance and print them out or put them in a document on your phone/tablet.
  2. In addition to the trivia questions, I gathered the rest of the required toys. When I’m planning to do something elaborate, especially something that involves restraints, I try to make sure that all the toys are prepared and positioned in advance so that we don’t lose momentum while we’re playing. In this case, the toys were simple: wand vibrator and egg vibrator.
  3. Then I stripped SC down and tied her near the edge of the bed with her legs spread using our under-mattress restraint system (which is always prepared for use). I intended to use a blindfold, but it turned out to be more fun to watch her face. Once I had SC tied down I applied the wand vibrator and explained the rules.

Tie, Tease, Trivia Rules.

  • I apply the vibrator to you and ask you trivia questions. If the husband is the contestant, the wife can use her hand and mouth to stimulate him. The goal is to provide constant, low-level stimulation to tease the contestant while she tries to focus on the questions.
  • When you get one right, I go down on you. This is the motivation for the contestant to stay focused on her task. The frequent swapping between vibrator and mouth drove SC crazy, along with the tip of my finger teasing penetration. If the husband is the contestant, the wife can use both her mouth and lady bits to reward correct answers.
  • When you get one wrong…. I had considered using ice to penalize incorrect answers, but decided against it. Your mileage may vary, depending on the temperament of your contestant. When SC got one wrong I feigned great disappointment, shook my head, and ran the tips of my fingers along her inner thighs. I’d ramp up her stimulation and then remove it briefly, to her great frustration.
  • You may not orgasm until you score 10 points. Ramp up the stimulation and remind her that she isn’t allowed to come yet. Make light conversation and push her to the edge while you slowly peruse your set of questions. Make her beg for the next question. “Do you want an easy one or a hard one?” Make her keep score. “How many points do you have now? I forget. Are you sure?” Award bonus points and extra licking when she earns it, and take a point and stimulation away if she misses an easy one. Take your time.
  • Eventually, you win. When you’re ready to end the game, tell her that the questions are over. Ask her how many points she earned. Ramp up the simulation. “Do you think you’ve earned an orgasm?” Make her say yes, she’s earned it. Praise her performance under pressure. “You did great, sweetie. I think you earned an orgasm. Go ahead and get it.” Then give it to her.

“You must think I’m a huge dork,” Sexy Corte laughed at the beginning of the game. Afterwards she asked, “Do you think you can find more Harry Potter questions?”