This passage from Genesis 30:14-17 cracks me up. The sisters Leah and Rachel were two of Jacob’s wives — Leah was Jacob’s first wife, and Rachel was Jacob’s best-loved wife. Leah had already borne Jacob four sons, but now both she and the childless Rachel were unable to conceive. Mandrake roots were commonly believed to be aphrodisiacs that could cure female infertility.

In the days of wheat harvest Reuben went and found mandrakes in the field and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.” But she said to her, “Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband? Would you take away my son’s mandrakes also?” Rachel said, “Then he may lie with you tonight in exchange for your son’s mandrakes.” When Jacob came from the field in the evening, Leah went out to meet him and said, “You must come in to me, for I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes.” So he lay with her that night. And God listened to Leah, and she conceived and bore Jacob a fifth son.

I’m sure this situation was fraught with emotion for everyone involved, as for anyone struggling with infertility, but from several thousand years away the conversation strikes me as quite humorous.

Both women eventually have children, so from then on I’m sure all was happy and peaceful in their household.

El Fury: Where’s your ice cream? Aren’t you having dessert?

Sexy Corte: I put magic shell on it. I want it to get hard before I eat it.

EF: Yeah, I know you do.

EF: I said —

SC: I heard you. I smiled!

The internet has completely let me down: I can’t find a video of the scene from Malcolm in the Middle that made me and Sexy Corte crack up last night. We’ve really been enjoying this show recently (thanks Netflix), and it amuses us that we now identify with the parents rather than the kids. Hal and Lois’s relationship is great. The episode we watched last night, “Malcolm’s Girlfriend”, has a scene with the parents laying in bed discussing Malcolm’s distraction by a crush:

Hal: Certain things are beyond the boy’s control. It’s his genetics. Girls, they just swoon. Sorry, what am I telling you for? You battle with it every day. There’s nothing we can do.

Lois: Oh, yes, there is! I can ground him, and I can ground him till he graduates from Harvard.

Hal: He’s gonna pull away, then we’ll have another Francis on our hands.

Lois: Are you blaming Francis on me?

Hal: No!

Lois: That’s what you said!

Hal: No, I meant that… Lois, let’s not have this veer off into us somehow not having sex tonight.

Yeah, we’ve been there before! A perfectly normal conversation somehow tricks foot into my mouth, and then my only concern is trying to steer back onto the path that was gliding towards sex.

 

We love guacamole, and love to make guacamole. It used to be an elaborate process, involving a multitude of fresh ingredients, such as salsa, cilantro, parmesan, and for a little extra kick, serrano peppers. One particular night, El Fury made this concoction. We ate, we enjoyed, and then we relaxed on the couch watching a show.

After a while we must have gotten distracted because we started kissing, which led to other things. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination, but I felt a nice warmth. It wasn’t long before that nice warmth turned into a soft burn, and then what felt like a raging fire in my lady bits. Needless to say, the mood went straight from sexy to “make it stop!” pretty quick. I awkwardly ran upstairs and jumped in the shower. Seeing as the burning was coming from inside me, this didn’t really help all that much. El Fury helped by washing his hands then standing nearby asking for status updates.

If anyone has ever cooked with chiles, you know the oil doesn’t really wash off, it just takes time to come off. So was the case with my lady bits. After a while the burn cooled to a simmer, then subsided completely. When the incident was fresh I felt pretty wounded. After some time passed, we started to laugh about it, and eventually it became one of our favorite sex stories, even though we didn’t even have sex that night!

I did learn that sex can be funny! That’s the amazing thing about sex with your spouse, nothing is embarrassing. It’s not always perfect, and the imperfect times can give you something to laugh about. Has anyone else had a run-in with chiles? Or have any funny sex stories?

El Fury: Do you want to go to bed?

Secy Corte: What ever gave you that idea?

EF: In the shower you were sucking my dick in a kinda sexual way.

SC: No, that was just a friendly suck.  Sorry to give you the wrong impression.

EF: Well, this is awkward.

(Of course, we did go to bed.)