Maybe you’ve wanted to try role-playing for a while, or maybe you’ve read some of our role-playing posts, but you just aren’t sure how to get started — if so, this post is for you!

It’s common to feel a little uncomfortable, awkward, or embarrassed when you first start role-playing in a sexual context with your spouse. This is completely normal! Sexual role-playing combines two of humanity’s greatest fears: public speaking and the risk of sexual rejection. Either one of these alone is enough to make most people feel anxious. However, with a little bit of preparation and practice you can psyche yourself up to take a some risk with your spouse, and the payoff will be fantastic!

The first thing to remember is that role-playing with your spouse should be fun. While you’re reading the rest of this post, don’t lose sight of this principle:

If you’re having fun, you’re doing it right!

The ideas in this post are intended to help you and your spouse have fun, not to give you a bunch of rules for role-playing “the right way”. Follow the spirit of the ideas, and do whatever creates the most fun for you and your spouse.

Before you get started, it’s important to set expectations with your spouse. You may think it will be more fun to completely improvise, but it probably won’t! Here are a few topics to cover:

  • What are your roles? You can each define your own role, or one person can pick for both. Are either of you playing a role that has power over the other in the context of the scene? The person in this role doesn’t necessarily have to be in a sexually dominant positionbut the power dynamic is usually an important aspect of any scene.
  • Where’s the scene going? Is there some particular relationship, dynamic, or experience that you’re working towards? A specific sex act? Do you have expectations for how you want your spouse to act? Or how you’re going to act? Be explicit, so that no one is disappointed that their spouse isn’t a mind-reader.
  • What are your boundaries? This goes hand-in-hand with the question above. Make sure you and your spouse understand what you don’t want to do.

These questions create a stage for you to perform on; as you get comfortable with the process and with each other you won’t have to spend much time on preparation.

Role-playing your first scene can be awkward and even scary. Sexual role-playing has a lot in common with other kinds of improvisational acting, so let’s look at some general improv guidelines that will help you get started.

  • Separate the role-playing from real life. You and your spouse are acting. The things you say and do during a scene don’t “mean” anything beyond the scene itself, so don’t take things personally.
  • Explicitly begin and end each scene. There’s a reason directors say “action!”. You can use verbal cues as simple as “begin scene” and “end scene”.
  • Commit to the role. When you’re in the scene, stay in character. Ham it up. Have fun being someone else!
  • “Yes, and…” — the cardinal rule of improvisational acting. Always do your best to accept and build on whatever direction your spouse goes in the scene. Negations and denials will often kill your momentum and your scene. (Of course, everyone needs to respect the boundaries in place.)
  • Make your spouse look good. Build on what your spouse is doing, and make their choices work in the scene. Don’t break character to criticize or “help” them.

One last bit of advice: be vulnerable, and respect your spouse’s vulnerability. You’ll have a lot of fun if you let yourselves! Don’t take things too seriously, and don’t forget to have sex at the end.

(For a detailed example, see: Role-Playing: Professor and Student.)

To generate some random prompts, check out our naughty story generator. Share some role-playing tips in the comment!

Yep, we like making sexy dice games you can enjoy with your spouse! Tonight it’s Sexy Body Part Twister. (Here’s a PDF version.) Not every body part combination is directly sexual (stomach to foot?!) but you’ll have fun touching each other and getting warmed up. The best part is that you can win any time you want!

By popular demand, here’s an automated spinner.

sexy-twister

Reload this page to generate random naughty stories based on the roll-all-the-dice naughty story table.

Your naughty story prompts:

Man:Store clerk, Motive: Desperate
Woman:Queen, Motive: Worried
Setting:Fairy pond
Sexual mood:Experimentation
Foreplay:Tickling
Conclusion:End up naked, oral sex, quiet orgasms

Use these prompts to inspire your role-playing or to create a sexy story for your spouse.

If you need more inspiration, consult the sex adventure generator.

This is a sequel to the Random Sex Adventure Table and also requires some polyhedral dice. If you don’t have the dice, let our website generate a random naughty story for you! (Printable Random Naughty Story Table PDF.)

The purpose of this table is to prompt your imagination. You can use it to create fantasies to play out with your spouse, or follow the prompts to create a sexy story as foreplay. Write the story for your spouse in an email, or whisper it in her ear.

If you have any ideas for items to add to any of the tables please leave them in the comments!

random-naughty-story-table

Reload this page to generate another random sex adventure.

Your random sex adventure:

Mood:Coy
Foreplay:Shower
Facing:Front to back, wife's legs spread
Wife's position:Laying on side
Husband's position:Push-up
Special feature:Role-play: strangers

I previously posted a roll-all-the-dice table for creating random sex adventures with your spouse, but it has come to my attention that not everyone has the geek dice required to make use of the table. So, as a public service, this page will roll the dice for you and generate a random sex adventure! Each time you reload this page you will get a different result. Enjoy!

For more randomly generated fun, check out the naughty story generator.

 

Update: Don’t have the dice? Let our website generate a random sex adventure for you!

If you’ve ever played a role-playing game like Dungeons and Dragons then you probably have a bunch of polyhedral dice like the ones in the picture: four-sided, six-sided, eight-sided, ten-sided, twelve-sided, and twenty-sided. However, unless you’re old-school you may never before have seen what’s called a roll-all-the-dice table. The idea is pretty simple: you roll all the dice and consult the results on a giant table. (If you don’t have a set of dice like this, you can pick up a set of polyhedral dice on Amazon for only few bucks.)

So, here’s a roll-all-the-dice table to create a random sex adventure for you and your spouse! (Printable Random Sex Adventure Table PDF.)

random-sex-adventure-table

Welcome to 2015! What’s been going on the the sexosphere while we were on vacation?

The Gift of More Engagement — Or as I wrote, The Importance of Enthusiasm.

How to Strip for your Husband

Near Daily Sex — It takes the pressure off sex and improves every aspect of your marriage.

15 New Year’s Resolutions, for couples, husbands, and wives. Also, a great post about morning sex.

I Wasn’t Treating My Husband Fairly, And It Wasn’t Fair — An essay by a wife who quit nagging and berating her husband.

Christians, Stop Staying Pure Till Marriage — At the risk of spoiling the essay, Sarah’s point is that purity is for life; sex inside of marriage doesn’t make you “impure”, and in fact it’s quite the opposite.

Does he make you laugh? — Laughing together is sexy!

In my recent post about the importance of enthusiasm I briefly mentioned responsiveness and promised a follow-up post, so here it goes. All aspects of sexual enthusiasm are valuable to cultivate with your spouse, but responsiveness can be key to creating exciting, pleasurable, and memorable sexual encounters. What do I mean by sexual responsiveness? Basically, sexual responsiveness is verbal or non-verbal communication with your spouse during sex that demonstrates how much you’re enjoying what your spouse is doing right then. Whichever spouse is receiving/submissive at the moment should be sexually responsive to the actions of the giving/dominant spouse. These roles may swap once or more during a single encounter, so pay attention. For example, if you are receiving oral sex you should be the one responding.

In this post, I will first discuss why sexual responsiveness is important, and then I will describe some methods for being responsive.

So, why is sexual responsiveness important?

  • Your response is your spouse’s reward! If your spouse is pleasuring you sexually, your response tells them that they’re being successful and that you appreciate their effort. If your spouse is going down on you and you’re silent, you may as well be checking your text messages or falling asleep as far as they can tell. I think the need for affirmation is especially strong for husbands — wives, it thrills your husbands when you moan and squirm!
  • Your response leads to better sex. Your spouse wants to please you, so give them some hints! Your response should help your spouse learn to pleasure you the way you want.
  • Your response heightens your own arousal. Responsiveness creates a feedback loop in your own body and brain. When you respond to your spouse you’re also pulling yourself deeper into the moment.
  • Your response creates engagement. Do you want to feel more emotionally connected during sex? Be more responsive to your spouse. Being responsive helps keep both people in the moment, engaged with each other, and prevents distraction. It’s harder for your mind to wander to your to-do list if you are focused on your response to your spouse.
  • Your response is critical when you’re near orgasm. This is particularly true for wives: when you’re close to orgasm, make sure your husband knows it. In order to climax you may need your husband to keep doing the same exact thing for just a few more seconds, so tell him!
  • Your response leads to intimacy. What’s more intimate than crying out your spouse’s name when you climax? When you’re sexually responsive to your spouse you’re sharing the most personal, internal details about yourself, private knowledge about your secret inner workings that no one else gets to experience. If you’re shy about being overtly responsive then work intentionally to overcome that barrier and share yourself more fully with your spouse.
  • Your response leads to great foreplay later. “It felt so amazing when you did XYZ… will you do that to me again later?”
  • Your response is fun! Loud, boisterous, intimate sex is way more fun than quiet, inhibited, distracted sex.

What does sexual responsiveness look like? How do you become more responsive to your spouse? I’m glad you asked!

  • Verbal. Call me old-fashioned, but talking is one of the best ways to respond to your spouse sexually! “More”, “faster”, “slower”, “don’t stop”, “yes!”, “almost there”, “keep doing that”, “you feel so big”, “I love being inside you”, “you’re driving me crazy”, “I need you inside me”. Talk dirty.
  • Your spouse’s name. Yelling out your spouse’s name is a special kind of verbal responsiveness that your spouse will certainly enjoy, especially if you cry out while you’re orgasming.
  • Moaning. For when it feels too good to put into words. Moans, cries, groans, “oh!”, “ah!”, and so forth. If you’re shy you might be thinking that these sounds will seem overly dramatic or fake, but trust me, your spouse will not laugh at you. If your spouse isn’t used to your moaning, it might push them right over the edge of their own orgasm.
  • Eye contact. Instead of closing your eyes and disappearing into your own head, keep your eyes open and maintain eye contact. This is especially sexy during initial penetration or orgasm.
  • Kissing. Kissing during sex is always great, so use your kiss to be responsive.
  • Hands. Clutch your spouse with your hands when you’re in the throes of pleasure. Tighten your grip. Interlace fingers with your spouse. Gently use your fingernails. Squeeze, fondle, pull.
  • Legs. Similar to using your hands… grab your spouse with your legs. Tighten your grip.
  • Penetration. Push, pull, grasp, or whatever is appropriate to deepen the penetration. Wives, it will drive your husband crazy if you show him that you need him deeper inside you.
  • Writhing. Wiggle and writhe while you moan. Make sure your spouse knows you’re wiggling from pleasure and not discomfort! When pleasure is extremely strong this writhing will happen naturally, which is why incorporating some light bondage into your sex play can be fun and functional.
  • Changing speeds. Going faster, slower, or even pausing can indicate your pleasure. A husband might need to pause to delay his orgasm, or a wife might need to hold still to get herself over the edge. It’s important to use additional cues so that your spouse knows why you’re changing speeds.
  • Skin contact. Adjust your position to increase skin contact, including arms, legs, and breasts.
  • Bury your face. Nuzzle your face into your spouse’s neck, breasts, hair, or whatever is handy.

There are my tips for being sexually responsive. What do you think? What works for you in your marriage? Did I miss anything good?

I’ve been promising to write about enthusiasm for a while, but I’ve been having trouble wrapping my head completely around it. Basically, my opinion is that enthusiasm is more important than any other single behavior when it comes to having great sex. [Tweet this] I know, that’s a bold claim, but let’s see if I can convince you.

So what is enthusiasm? My favorite definition is “lively interest”. Both of those words are important. I should be interested in sex with my spouse. I should think about it, plan for it, pursue it. Sex with my spouse should be one of my favorite hobbies. And my interest should be lively. Active. Self-motivated. Dynamic.

So what does this look like? Enthusiasm for sex with your spouse isn’t just important while you’re having sex — it encompasses a lot of behaviors.

  • Saying yes. Pretty basic, but it’s a lot better than when your spouse tells you no! As we’ve written before, yes should be the default answer when it comes to sex with your spouse. [Tweet this] There may be a reason to say no for a moment, but I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that the answer should be yes at least 90% of the time. Just like with your other hobbies, you find a way to say yes when you’re invited.
  • Communication. Enthusiastic spouses tell each other what they like, what they want, what they need. You can’t wait to talk to your friends about your other hobbies, right? Don’t make your spouse drag it out of you — offer your opinion. Be eager to listen to your spouse’s desires. Be as explicit and specific as necessary! Tell your spouse exactly what you want. These conversations can take place any time, but they seem ideal when they aren’t during sex or immediately before or after. Make some time to talk during the day. (Which may lead to sex.)
  • Improvement. Enthusiasm means you want to be the best sex your spouse has ever had. This is the part where you follow-through on the communication. If your wife wants you to tickle her g-spot more before penetration, you can’t wait to please her. If your husband wants a quickie, shut the door and drop your panties. Your spouse has told you what they want, so hop to it! And not just the once, but be a student of your spouse and incorporate your new knowledge into your permanent expertise. When you’re invested in a hobby you work at it to improve, right? You read about it, study it, test out new ideas, and learn from experience. Sex with your spouse should be the same way.
  • Responsiveness. Now we’re getting to what enthusiasm looks like during sex. When you’re having sex, be there, in the moment. Be fully engaged. Look your husband in the eyes and moan when he enters you. Tell your wife how amazing she looks when she rides you. Responsiveness at any given moment is mostly the responsibility of the submissive, receiving partner. This role may stay the same throughout a sexual encounter, or it may change several times before you’re done. The point of responsiveness is that the receiver needs to demonstrate their pleasure to the dominant, giving partner. Don’t just lay there like a rug while your spouse goes to town. If you want your spouse to improve, give them the feedback they need! It’s especially important to clearly communicate to your partner when you’re close, and when you’re orgasming. The topic probably deserves its own post, but here are a few ways to be responsive: talking (“more!”, “yes!”, “almost there!”); kissing; moaning; using your spouse’s name; clutching with your hands or legs; connecting with your eyes; writhing with your hips; deepening penetration; changing speed.
  • Experimentation. This goes for before and during sex: be open to new ideas, and don’t get frustrated if something doesn’t work. Sure, every couple has a repertoire of reliable positions that are guaranteed to please both spouses, and that’s great. You don’t have to try something new every time; most of the time your basic method is just fine. But when your spouse suggests something new, say yes! Maybe it won’t work, but don’t pre-judge it; chances are, your spouse has been working up the nerve to ask you for a while. When you say yes, don’t wince or roll your eyes, even if you’re skeptical. Don’t use the dreaded, “eh, if you want to” line either. That’s resignation, not enthusiasm. When your spouse wants to try something new with you, consider it a gift. This is an experience they’ve planned just for you and no one else in the world. Later (but not immediately afterwards), the two of you can talk about it and decide if its something you want to do sometimes/always/never. Just remember: unlike other hobbies, you’re the only legitimate sexual partner for your spouse; if you say no, that closes a door on your spouse’s desire forever.
  • Fun. Why so glum, chum? Sex is serious business, but it should also be seriously fun. Sex with your spouse is your own private amusement park! Ride all the rides. Eat everything in sight. Laugh, joke, tickle, wrestle, tease, snuggle, play! Sex isn’t just about having babies and orgasms. What do you like best about your other hobbies? Find ways to incorporate those qualities into your sex life. For example, Sexy Corte and I like playing games, so we created Sexy Adult Jenga and Naked Marco Polo. No matter what you enjoy, you will likely be able to bring some aspects of your hobby-personality into your sex life. When your spouse begins to bring these interests into your sexual encounters, remember to say yes!
  • Orgasm. Right, so sex isn’t only about orgasms, but let’s face it: orgasms are awesome. You don’t need to have an orgasm every time you have sex, but you should have an orgasm as often as you want to — and so should your spouse. Enthusiasm is hungering for an orgasm from your spouse, and craving an orgasm for your spouse. [Tweet thisMen can get very goal-oriented and focus excessively on the orgasm, so husband, make sure to listen to what your wife wants in the moment. Wife, your husband can’t read your mind, so make sure you are as responsive as possible.

Whew! That’s a long post; I hope it makes sense. If you want to kick your love life up a notch, foster some enthusiasm for sex. Please leave a comment and tell us your perspective on enthusiasm!