Our world has changed so much since I was a kid. There is so much to entertain. Sometimes we even need to be entertained while being entertained! It’s literally at our fingertips. With so much to distract, it’s easy to get into some bad habits. How often do we favor scrolling through our phone than paying attention to our spouse or children? What message are you conveying when your child needs something and you take your time to respond so you can finish reading your article or playing your game? Relationships take effort. Being present speaks volumes of love. It says, you are important, and worth my time. We have made a few decisions in our house to help us make time for being intentional with our family.
- No devices at the dinner table. We eat meals together as a family, and everyone sets aside their phones (or toys for the younger ones). Mealtime is probably the most important time of the day to engage with each other.
- No TV’s in the bedroom. This was a little more difficult to give up, but I’m so glad we did. The bedroom is for sex, and for sleeping.
- Play games! Board games are so different from when we were children. There are so many different kinds of games out there. El Fury and I love playing games together, and it’s a great way to engage with each other. We watch TV sometimes, but that feels more like parallel play. There are a lot of cooperative games out there too, so you can even be on the same team.
- We often say to our kids “people are more important” when they want to play on their tablets instead of hang out with our family. It’s a good thing for them to hear, and a good reminder for us as well.
- We also try not to be on our phones in the evening. After the kids go to bed it’s our time to hang out. We guard that time. We don’t get on our computers or phones, we spend time together.
When your spouse is talking to you, set your phone aside, and look them in the eye. They should be more important to you. Your relationship is with a person and not a device. At the end of your life are you going to be happy for all the time you spent with your spouse, or are you going to wish you would have spent more time on your phone?
Yes, it’s a funny metaphor, but the advice is good: once you’ve boarded the Love Train don’t stop it until you reach the station. Barring emergencies, when you start sexy time with your spouse you’re committed to finishing. There are a lot of things that have the potential to derail the Love Train, but you’ve got to do your best to keep it moving until your spouse is ready to disembark. Here are a few tips for overcoming common difficulties.
- Be prepared. Probably the most important tip to avoid interruption, especially if you’re away from home. Keep what you need handy: lube, batteries, towels, rope, etc. If you’re planning something elaborate, walk through it in your mind before you’re naked so your spouse doesn’t have to stand around waiting.
- Stop talking, start moaning. It’s good to set expectations before sex, but don’t talk too much about the sex while you’re doing it. Communication is essential for good sex, but let your body do the talking as much as possible. It’s fine to say “more!”, or “turn over”, or “let’s do X”, but here are a few things to avoid: repeatedly asking “are you close?”, repeatedly asking “do you like that?”, and any sort of “why” question. Don’t try to start a conversation while your spouse is focused on reaching orgasm.
- Premature ejaculation. Probably the most common reason for the husband to stop too early. Unfortunately, it’s also something that’s way beyond the scope of this blog post; talk to your doctor. Some potential solutions include: medication, start-stop-start-stop method, more frequent sex, more lube (to reduce friction), more exercise, use condoms, think about baseball. However, it happens to every man occasionally, and you still need to be considerate of your wife’s needs! If she wants to continue, use your hands, mouth, or a toy to finish her off.
- Loss of erection. This also happens to every man once in a while. Rather than focusing on being embarrassed, reinforce to your wife that you want to continue. Take a mental break, refocus, change positions, and keep pleasuring her. Move back to foreplay activities. In a few minutes you’re likely to regain your erection if you keep in the moment and don’t turn it into a big discussion.
- Vaginal pain. Lube! Switching positions can also help if the penetration is too deep.
- Jaw pain. If you’re performing oral sex on your spouse and your jaw starts to hurt you’ve got a few options: take a break, change positions and continue oral, or move to intercourse. Changing positions can make a big difference — kneeling or laying down one way or another. Switching between mouth and tongue can give you a break without actually stopping, . Your choice will depend on the circumstances — is the oral foreplay? Is it a blow job you want to complete on its own? Is your spouse close to orgasm?
- Cramps. Cramps during sex are the worst! They’re impossible to ignore and can happen suddenly. Stretch your limbs and change position while attempting to continue stimulation.
- Injury. Yeah, Sexy Corte and I have elbowed a nose, hit a funny bone, or yanked hair during sex. If you did it, apologize and give your spouse time to recover. If you’re the one hurt, accept the apology and try to get back into it as quickly as possible (assuming the injury isn’t an emergency itself).
- To-do lists. Even when your body is still on the Love Train your brain can jump off! You owe it to your spouse to stay focused on the sex, even if you’ve already had your orgasm. Don’t start planning your day or worrying about your to-dos until your spouse is to-done.
- Kids. Your master bedroom is your sex room! (And Part 2, by Sexy Corte.) Lock it when you’re inside, and do your best to ignore your kids while you’re having sex unless it’s an emergency. It’s ok to tell your kids through the door to go away. Turn off the baby monitors — your baby can cry for a few minutes. Before you start sexy time, check with your kids to make sure they don’t have any immediate needs — get them drinks, turn on the TV, whatever.
- Time pressure. If you’ve got a limited amount of time, let your spouse know before you start having sex! It’s worth a quick few words to set expectations with your spouse and make sure there’s enough time. If you have to run to a meeting or pick up the kids from school, make sure your spouse knows how much time is available.
- Getting too hot. Sexy Corte doesn’t like to be cold, but once we start having sex we sometimes get too hot! Try to plan your environment in advance, and provide a mechanism to easily adjust the temperature. For us, we turn on the ceiling fan if we’re too hot, and the furnace if we’re too cold (not likely while we’re having sex).
But sometimes there is an emergency or an unavoidable distraction — then what? Give your spouse an explicit rain check. “I know you didn’t finish; I promise I’ll take care of you as soon as I can.” And then do it!
Does anyone else have any tips to share? Leave a comment!
Here’s a fun game for you and your spouse : one spouse (the Storyteller) tells a naughty story while the other spouse (the Distractor) attempts to distract the Storyteller sexually.
Step 1: Decide who is the first Storyteller. Sock wrestle if you can’t decide some other way.
Step 2: Print out the roll-all-the-dice naughty story table and grab some dice. Alternatively, pull up the naughty story generator on your mobile device.
Step 3: The Storyteller either rolls the dice or loads the story generator to get her challenge. Start telling the story — make it naughty and coherent.
Step 4: The Distractor uses his mouth, tongue, hands, fingers, or sexy movements to distract the Storyteller from her task. Advanced mode: every time the Storyteller says “uhhhh” or stalls she gets a swat on the butt.
Step 5: When the story is done, swap roles. Repeat until you give up and have sex.
It’s a simple game that adds a little challenge to your encounter with your spouse. Let us know how it goes for you!
The kids have an annoying electronic toy tea pot that sings a really catchy song that frequently gets stuck in our heads. Sexy Corte and I like to change the words around, and we think it’s pretty funny to substitute sexual stuff into the song. So last night while I was getting ready to brush my teeth and SC started singing the song I just groaned. “I don’t want that stuck in my head!”
She laughed and said, “I’ll just go lay down over the edge of the bed by myself then. Don’t forget your tea bag when you come back.”
Naturally this made it pretty tough to brush my teeth, so I abandoned that and followed SC to bed, but she stopped me. “Aren’t you going to brush your teeth? You know how I like distracting you.”
So that’s how I ended up attempting to brush my teeth while SC licked and sucked on my balls while hanging her head upside-down off the side of the bed. Needless to say, my teeth got a very thorough cleaning.
(I guess it’s time to write a post about the benefits of shaving your balls.)