Sex Q&A: “Why would any husband want to do a pearl necklace?”

Reader “QB” writes:

Hello,

My husband and I have enjoyed your site! Thank you.

We’ve been married for ten years and we have two young children. We’re planning to have another baby but we aren’t ready to get pregnant yet, and we’ve been talking about contraception. My husband doesn’t like to use condoms, and he asked that we make our “protection” more appealing to him… suggesting a “pearl necklace” that apparently “some guys” are into.

I said I didn’t think any women would really want that and he said maybe some would. I personally would find it degrading. He’s much more sexually adventurous than I am, which is an ongoing issue. I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit. I don’t know how to approach this topic because it makes him very defensive.

Do you think a “pearl necklace” is an ok thing to do? I just wonder why any husband would want to 🙁 You usually seem to say that between two married consenting spouses, anything goes, but what do you think? I might consent if it’s not something always seen as degrading.

Please help! Any insight is hugely appreciated.

First of all, it’s great that you and your husband are able to discuss your sex life so openly. Most people who write to us don’t, so good for you. Couples often have a great deal of trouble sharing their sexual desires out of fear of ridicule or rejection, so please appreciate your husband’s bravery in sharing with you.

Second, yes, pretty much anything is acceptable within the bounds of marriage, and we’ve written about in “Can we *BLANK*?” The boundaries are simple — sex should:

  • Involve only the married couple
  • Be be mutually consensual
  • Lead to satisfaction for both spouses
  • Be done in faith

So, there’s nothing inherently wrong about your husband wanting to ejaculate on your body. Most men don’t want to do this constantly, but some men find it arousing occasionally. Sexy Corte and I have tried it, but it just isn’t our thing. We wrote about it in a previous Q&A: “Mutual masturbation and finishing on her body”. It’s very likely that your husband will enjoy it once or twice and then decide that it’s more fun to ejaculate inside you. (Hint: he might be happy to use a condom if you let him take it off to ejaculate in your mouth, and he may even love it.)

A key element of your email is your statement that: “I personally would find it degrading.”

That’s understandable. As with all sex play, it’s important that it’s play and not real. For example, I enjoy spanking my wife’s butt, but it’s a form of sexual play, not a “punishment”. The play gives me a sense of power, and gives her a sense of submission.

Similarly, your husband probably thinks that ejaculating on your face or body will be a sexy, dominant thing for him to do because it requires your submission. Your submission is part of the sexiness. Your willingness to submit to his pleasure and do something you don’t care for is part of the turn-on. (You may find that you enjoy being trusting and submissive, even if the sex acts themselves aren’t directly stimulating to you. Or you may not!)

Now, sex should be mutually edifying and satisfying for both spouses, and honoring to God. Your husband shouldn’t actually degrade you — but it’s ok if both of you want to play with dominant and submissive behavior. You may not get much arousal from him ejaculating on you, but if you participate in fulfilling his fantasy then he should be eager to “pay you back” by making sure that your quirky sexual needs are also met. (C’mon… you probably have something you want that you’ve been too shy to share.)

You also wrote: “I know he has watched porn in the past, and I’m worried that it has twisted him a bit.”

I’ll quote from an earlier post about “Weird sex”:

Porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

Humans are kinky creatures, and porn didn’t cause that, it merely reflects our kinkiness. God’s desire is that sex with your spouse is a bonfire compared to the sickly, sputtering candle of pornography.

We suggest that you continue talking with your husband about his desires (and yours). You’re not obligated to perform a specific sexual activity with him, but we encourage you to lean towards “yes” when you can.

Updates:

First, a response from “QB” who asked the question above.

Thank you so much for all the information and your honesty.

I think sometimes my go-to response to my husband is either “no” or “why would you want to…”. So your perspective really helps. I may come from a place of judgement when really I should like you said be open and happy we’re communicating.

I will try to lean towards “yes” when I’m able.

Thank you so so much!

And below, here’s a great comment from the wife at Marriage 4:29:

I can understand why it might not be anyone else’s thing, but I wanted to throw my thoughts in there because it is TOTALLY our thing.

I love watching my husband ejaculate (the way his body shakes, the face he makes, the flow of his semen shooting out) because I know that I alone am responsible for that sensation.

Especially if I’m not necessarily in the mood for intercourse, a mutually satisfying compromise is always him standing, me on my knees pleasuring him with my hands and/or mouth (WITH THE LIGHTS ON—more vulnerable for the both of us and therefore more intimate in my opinion).

When he reaches climax I’ll take his semen wherever (but I’m right in front of him…it might as well be on me—that way we know exactly where it went for easy cleanup LOL) but what drives him wild is when I sometimes say “Cum all over my [redacted]” It a little naughty, but it’s a fun way to play with my beloved…and it makes him feel loved that I loosen up and allow myself to enjoy this kind of stimulation too so it’s not just one sided pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who is sharing in the comments!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

19 comments

    1. I almost didn’t approve your comment because it appears to be sarcastic and unhelpful. However, just in case you didn’t mean it that way, I’ll respond as if you’re being sincere.

      There’s no “need” for the husband to lick up his semen, but if he or his wife think that’s sexy then there’s no reason for him not to do it. Similarly, there’s nothing wrong with the wife licking it up. Semen is perfectly healthy to consume.

      However, if you’re suggesting that the husband “needs” to lick up his semen as form of penance or punishment, then you’re missing the point.

      1. No punishment intended, actually there is a percentage (~45%) of Bi-sexualuality in this old decrepit body of mine, it’s been in there since about age 13 and has lasted 65 years, acted on only as a teen and once more as an adult. But still buried deep in my mind and the embers remain HOT. I wouldn’t mind if you had some articles on the subject from the male’s point-of-view.

  1. For me a pearl necklace is degrading. But that’s just my opinion and I’m a very sexual person and love to have fun with the one I love.

    I don’t think I could bring myself to do that…and it may be from decades of porn viewing as to the the reason why.

  2. I can understand why it might not be anyone else’s thing, but I wanted to throw my thoughts in there because it is TOTALLY our thing.

    I love watching my husband ejaculate (the way his body shakes, the face he makes, the flow of his semen shooting out) because I know that I alone am responsible for that sensation.

    Especially if I’m not necessarily in the mood for intercourse, a mutually satisfying compromise is always him standing, me on my knees pleasuring him with my hands and/or mouth (WITH THE LIGHTS ON—more vulnerable for the both of us and therefore more intimate in my opinion).

    When he reaches climax I’ll take his semen wherever (but I’m right in front of him…it might as well be on me—that way we know exactly where it went for easy cleanup LOL) but what drives him wild is when I sometimes say “Cum all over my [redacted]” It a little naughty, but it’s a fun way to play with my beloved…and it makes him feel loved that I loosen up and allow myself to enjoy this kind of stimulation too so it’s not just one sided pleasure.

    Again, I can TOTALLY understand why this wouldn’t be your thing, just wanted to offer a different perspective.

    1. In agreement with Marriage 4:29.
      I grew up in a religious household where semen was something to be thought of as disgusting. I remember how vividly my mom hit the fan when she found my brothers “sock”. The first girlfriend that offered a handjob in the car treated it like it was radioactive waste – gloves and a little baggie she sealed it all up in all with a look of “ew, don’t let it touch me”. So to have my wife actually enjoy it because she feel it is “hers” is AMAZING! Anywhere and everywhere but the hair. All dependent on the mood we’re in. It is an absolutely amazing affirmation of love to have her give me oral then surprise me with a climax on her as she just looks up at me and smiles knowing how much I’m enjoying it. Seeing my release on her is just so incredibly arousing and the fact she does it for me willingly and happily makes it such an incredible bonding experience. There’s nothing degrading about it at all!
      The only way I feel this would be degrading was if I pushed for it when she didn’t want to or I took pleasure in somehow trying to humiliate her with it. But I don’t do either. Also, it’s a 2-3x/yr special thing so it isn’t “overused” which keeps it special.

  3. Just. A “reframing” thought for consideration: maybe rather than this being dominance/submission play, its more about trust/trustworthiness and it’s not play at all. That is, from what I understand, in real S&M relationships, the Dom is in control whereas in the scenario you describe, the “Sub” is in control. So, perhaps what’s really meaningful about this act is the acting out of trustworthiness and trust roles. Viewed this way it contains both eroticism and great meaning that can then be lived out in the totalityof the couple’s relationship.

    1. Good point. I didn’t mean to imply that the *trust* element isn’t real… it is! I just meant to emphasize that a certain behavior during sex doesn’t imply that that the same behavior/attitude needs/should be brought outside the bedroom. Like I said, I enjoy spanking Sexy Corte, but that’s sex play. I don’t spank her as a method for resolving actual disagreements. Make sense?

  4. Well, I don’t see this as a dominant thing at all. This is why we don’t do dominance and submissive because I just don’t equate anything in the bedroom to either of those things. We both agree to do something, how can either of us be dominating over the other person? Domination just sounds harsh. But, maybe we’ve been taking turns being submissive and dominating all along. Lol.

    1. Maybe so, and I certainly don’t want to quibble about the meaning of words! Everything in sex should be consensual, even if you enjoy playing with dominance. Maybe you’ve been doing it the whole time 😉

  5. Personally, I have no interest in being either dominant or submissive. I have a great deal of interest in being trustworthy and trusting. For those bedroom activities that are “in bounds” (And I like El Fury’s definition of what is in and out of bounds), the important question has to do with meaning. That is, what is the meaning of this to us? Never mind what meaning others ascribe, what is the meaning that we ascribe. In my opinion, if a married couple ascribes trust and trustworthiness to a Pearl Necklace, that is a beautiful expression of love in marriage. If another views the meaning of this act as “degradation”, best to keep it out of the bedroom for them.

    And I should add that, as human beings made in the image of God, we are creators of meaning. There are many different possible meanings to any one act. It is up to us to mindfully and intentionally chosose our meaning. Hopefully, we can talk about potential meanings as a couple and enter into the sacredness of a chosen meaning together. On a different day, the same activity may have a completely different meaning depending on what is going on in our lives and what the Lord is saying to us in that moment. The trust/trustworthiness meaning is just an example, not a prescription, of a potential meaning.

  6. I don’t see anything degrading, wrong or twisted about a man wanting to ejaculate on his wife’s body including her chest, neck, face and mouth. It’s just sexy, kinky, hot and exciting. Better than boring legalistic sex. I do think it’s a domination and submission issue to some extent, but not in the same way as S&M. I’m talking just natural every day male dominance.

  7. Just don’t get it in your eye unless you want to look like you’ve got pink eye. Seriously though we have to stop letting porn or shame get credit. My husband and I have been through a porn addiction and it’s important to intimacy that we don’t mix the two. Like they said porn didn’t create the acts.

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