Take Joy in Giving Pleasure

Hannah Smothers at Cosmo is mad at husbands who enjoy giving orgasms to their wives.

It’s not enough that men are already having more orgasms than women. To make matters worse, a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research found — aside from deriving pleasure from their own orgasms, obviously — men also derive a specific sort of masculine pleasure from making female partners orgasm. The researchers in the study, Sara Chadwick and Sari van Anders, refer to this incredibly predictable phenomenon as a “masculinity achievement.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I imagine a “masculinity achievement” looks something like Super Mario punching a coin out of one of those floating boxes in the video game.

“Despite increasing focus on women’s orgasms, research indicated that the increased attention to women’s orgasms may also serve men’s sexuality, complicating conceptualizations of women’s orgasms as women-centric,” researchers wrote.

I’m glad that scientists are investigating such esoteric topics! I can confirm that this husband really enjoys pleasuring his wife, even if it complicates the conceptualization of her orgasm. I feel like orgasms are something we experience together, rather than being “centric” on just one of us.

What about the idea of “giving” an orgasm to your spouse?

In a separate statement from Chadwick and van Anders, they explained why it’s a bad thing for men to gain masculinity points for bringing female partners to orgasm. “One reason is that it might pressure some heterosexual men to feel like they have to ‘give’ women orgasms, as if orgasm is something men pulled out of a hat and presented to women,” they wrote. “This ties into cultural ideas of women as passive recipients of whatever men give them.”

I completely agree that as a husband it feels incredibly empowering to give my wife an orgasm, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Most of the time that Sexy Corte orgasms we’re using a vibrator and she’s on top and in control of the movement. This is the easiest way for her to reach orgasm, and since we have more lust than time we often aim for efficiency. This position is good for me and I enjoy sharing in the pleasure of her orgasm, but it’s not the same as when I give her an orgasm while I’m in a more dominant role. That is a sort of “achievement”, but it’s also very rewarding to know that the woman I love and adore can receive such pleasure from me.

The joy of giving is the reward for assuming the dominant role and doing most of the work in a sexual encounter. It takes work to give pleasure, whether that’s simply an orgasm or a whole sexual experience like trivia night, shibari rope bondage, or poetry night. It takes care and effort to prepare questions, learn how to tie knots, or write poetry, and the reward for that effort is the joy you get from giving to the one you love.

Furthermore, giving pleasure isn’t a one-way street as Cosmo implies. A wife can also find it joyful and rewarding to give pleasure to her husband, and a husband can appreciate the time and effort involved and take joy in the wife who loves him. When Sexy Corte performs oral sex or cleans the ceiling fan it hits me right in my primary love language (Acts of Service, which may also be why I enjoy giving so much).

Far from being harmful, joyfully giving pleasure to your spouse will enhance intimacy and deepen the love and commitment you have for each other. Each spouse can both give and receive pleasure, and your sex life and marriage will be better for it.

How do you approach giving and receiving in your marriage? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

13 comments

  1. After 42 years, I still love my wife having an orgasm more than I enjoy having one myself.And no thoughts of domination/control ever enter my mind. From the way she acts, she is the same way toward me and my pleasure.

    1. Mike: What I meant by “dominant” in this case was simply the person who is leading the activities. Does that make sense?

      1. Yes, it does. I was referring to the feminists view that men giving wives orgasms is some kind of domination or is motivated by control.

        I do feel a manly “pride” when my wife fully enjoys herself but it certainly isn’t because I think it’s all about me. I feel good because I helped give her joy, which is what our lives together have been about. I believe she feels the same way about me.

  2. I am cracking up over here. I wandered over to read the whole article on Cosmo. I hope they warmed up before stretching to those conclusions, they might’ve pulled a muscle. I had to keep reminding myself I wasn’t reading something on The Onion.
    To answer your question, my husband and I are both mindful of making sure each other are taken care of, in and out of the bedroom. Sometimes it leans more to one of us than the other, but it always evens out, and we’re not keeping score anyway of who has more orgasms (it’s totally me, thanks to him) or who does more random acts of kindness for the other or whatever. Despite the lack of a scoreboard, we’ve SOMEHOW managed to be even more in love than we were almost ten years ago when we got married.
    I have never once felt like an orgasm was made less about me because it makes him feel happy or accomplished as a man. On the contrary, that actually makes the orgasm better! For heaven’s sake…

  3. Wow Cosmo. Ruining women’s sex lives one misguided article at a time. Lemme tell ya, nothing turns me on more than insisting that my husband sees my orgasms as a chore. No enthusiasm allowed! =P

    Depending on where my hormones are at, there are some days where it’s not in the stars for me to get an orgasm, and my husband feels guilty or selfish after I get him finished. But I always tell him that regardless of how well my body wants to react, he’s a top-notch lover who always shows me a good time.

    1. This seems to be a common perspective among wives who comment here, but I wonder how widespread it is? The idea that sex is pleasurable and beneficial even without an orgasm. Granted, it’s usually the woman who isn’t having an orgasm, for various reasons.
      El Fury recently posted…“New Faithful” Double PenetrationMy Profile

      1. And of course frequent orgasms are a pretty important goal to have. But somewhat counter-intuitively, it seems that the more we’re able to enjoy it without orgasm, the easier it is to GET the orgasm.

        Side note: it’s super-weird that Cosmo is putting out an article like this anyway. Aren’t they usually publishing “3 Secret Tricks that will BLOW HIS MINDDD!!” It’s like they’re trying to backpedal their entire existence.

        1. My experience is that my wife reaches orgasm much more easily when there isn’t any pressure to do so.

          I don’t get how Cosmo is relevant anymore… are there any mind-blowing secrets left??

      2. I agree with Jo, and i really do enjoy sex even when I don’t orgasm. Honestly, sometimes I initiate sex just to have sex, with no orgasm in mind. Sometimes I just want to be that close with my husband.
        And if a man can enjoy giving a woman an orgasm, then it can work the other way as well 😊

  4. It seems to me that so many “professionals” think that individuals need to alter their behaviour in order to make certain sections of the population “feel better”. My wife and I have worked hard on our marriage and now enjoy the fruits of our work.

    “One reason is that it might pressure some heterosexual men to feel like they have to ‘give’ women orgasms, as if orgasm is something men pulled out of a hat and presented to women,” they wrote. “This ties into cultural ideas of women as passive recipients of whatever men give them.”

    What is the alternative to this statement? That men should focus on their own orgasms? I’m sure women everywhere would love that.

    1. Right, men can’t win! If we focus solely on our own pleasure I doubt we’d get much praise. Cosmo portrays a new kind of modern Puritanism: anything that brings you joy is suspect.
      El Fury recently posted…We Bought a Sex RobotMy Profile

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