Q&A: How Can We Reinvigorate Our Sex Life Now that the Kids Have Moved Out?

Reader “T” writes:

My husband and I are recent empty-nesters and our sex lives have fallen into the predictable and stale category. He has given me hints over the years about certain things he would like to do with me but when I take him up on it, he starts backing off. For instance, he has always hinted that he wants to come in my mouth. I enjoy giving him head so this isn’t a problem for me. What IS a problem is that giving head stimulates me so much that I am usually begging for penetration after a few minutes.

The last time he asked for a blow job, I said, “what happens afterward? I will be miserable with desire and you will be finished.”

He said, “Well, we’ll have to find something else to use for penetration then.”

I took him up on that and suggested that we could look for something together but he acted almost stunned that I would consider using something else besides his penis. On other occasions, he has made comments about spanking me. I would love this but when I said I would like to explore that option, he clammed up. There are lots of other things I would love to do for him and to him but he seems to think that I would be using him with no love involved. We’ve had that discussion. I tell him I love him every day at least once and we’ve been together 37 years. What more can I do? I told him that to me true intimacy is being able to trust a person to the point where you can share your deepest desires and fantasies.

My husband is still very hot to me. He is very handsome and fit. He has always had great genes physically. His pecs, shoulders, back, arms, and butt still make me drool. He is built far better still, than men half his age. He is 60 and I see much younger women eyeballing him whenever we are out. Most people think we are in our mid 40s (lucky us). We have both started taking bio-identical hormones which has increased our libidos and performance but he still doesn’t seem to have the desire that I do. When I let him know that I want him, he seems uncomfortable.

He does occasionally have trouble keeping it up during intercourse. He says he gets distracted but won’t say why. All I know is that here we both are with an empty house where I can moan and scream all I want to and he seems mostly disinterested. We have had kids in the home for 33 years and now that they are gone I want to renew the adventure in our sex lives. I don’t know what to do. Should I just leave him alone and let him think awhile or just drop it altogether?

Thanks for the email! And congratulations on 37 years of marriage, that is amazing! I definitely don’t think you should stop pursuing an awesome sex life. I know in my marriage I have gone through periods of lower libido. It is discouraging in those times because I wanted to want sex! I was surprised by how much having an open, honest conversation with my husband helped. He really tried to understand what I was going through, and we talked about how to help it improve. If your husband doesn’t feel comfortable talking about intimacy, try bringing up the things you want to try during intimate moments.

Right after sex can be a great time to have a positive discussion about your sex life. You could try saying something like, “I really liked it when you did this… maybe next time we could try this….” It could be that your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure. You could try telling him what he does do that really satisfies you so that he is secure in his ability to please you. Keep the conversation positive and focus on what you like. I will pray for you as you navigate this season of your sex life.

As far as him coming in your mouth, I do understand what you mean about desiring penetration. I find sex more fulfilling when I orgasm with El Fury inside me. But, it is fun to change things up a bit. We have a move we call Old Faithful that we use mostly for foreplay, but sometimes we both orgasm during this move. Basically, I position myself so that I can give EF oral sex while he can play with me with his hand. He can occasionally penetrate me with his fingers while he rubs me. It’s not the same as his penis, of course, but it still feels really good. When we both climax this way, he brings me to orgasm first. He always talks about how sexy it is when I come with his penis in my mouth. It doesn’t take long after I orgasm for him to do the same.

And “T” wrote back:

Thank you Sexy Corte, it helps to know that there are those out there who understand. A lot of what has happened to my libido lately is because of the recent revelation that I’ve had about what a Biblical marriage allows in the marriage bed. We have always been highly appreciative of sex but because of religious taboos, I put out the fire on my adventurous nature concerning sex. After much study and also discovering several blogs on Christian marriage, my views about pleasuring each other have changed drastically. Now I can be on fire at a moments notice. I just don’t think he’s there yet.

You said, “It could be your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure.” I think you are right. I had that conversation with him last night after reading a blog about what excites women during sex. I told him that as a woman, knowing that he desires me is the biggest part of the turn-on….not simply him going through the motions because he knows I’m horny. I told him that if that was all I wanted, I could have bought a dildo years ago and been perfectly happy. I think he is starting to understand that I want HIM….the whole package, not just a penis. I did purchase some toys to pleasure him with. I am hoping that as I introduce things to give him pleasure, he will see that I am not “using” him, I am “enjoying” him. Thank you for your prayers and your advice as we experiment our way through new territory.

Thanks for the follow-up email. We hope your sex life is as awesome, adventurous, and amazing as God intends!

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