That is, quick answers to the emails that are piling up! Please jump into the comments if you have any ideas of your own to share on these topics.

Reader “JK” writes:

Hi, I’m wondering if you can give me some advice. My husband and I have been married several years and have a good relationship in general but our sex life is lacking at times, especially since he really enjoys me being dominant over him and using bondage and I struggle with being dominant and can’t really come up with anything creative to do so I just end up playing out basically the same scene over and over. I want to do better so he and I can both enjoy sex more. Any advice? Thanks for all you and your husband do. I really appreciate your website and all the articles you have to encourage Christian couples in their sex lives. This world needs it.

It’s more common for the husband to be sexually dominant than the wife, but there are plenty of marriages in which those roles are reversed — whatever works for your marriage is great, and kudos to JK and her husband for figuring it out! What’s more, it’s awesome that JK wants to step up her game to improve their sex life.

My first tip is simple, but maybe not obvious: just because one spouse is “dominant” in an encounter doesn’t mean that she (in this case) needs to think of everything. JK, I’m sure your husband has some fantasies of what he’d like you to do with him, but he might feel like he shouldn’t tell you directly because that would undermine the roles you’re playing. False! Before you engage in any kind of role-playing you need to talk out-of-character and set expectations with each other. During this conversation neither of you is dominant or submissive, you’re just yourselves discussing how you want to have sex. It’s very common for the sexually submissive spouse (usually the wife, but not in this case) to expect the dominant spouse to guess what to do — “read my mind, tell me what to do, and fulfill my fantasy without me having to spell it out for you!” This is not always realistic. JK, talk to your husband and encourage him to help you plan the scenarios that he wants to act out with you!

The second tip is to check out our category for sexy games — many of them have dominant/submissive elements that you can re-use in a million ways. Start with Trivia Night and Professor and Student.

 

Reader “AV” writes:

Hi El Fury. I discovered your site not long ago and it has been very clarifying for me. I love the fact that you guys answer questions on here. So, I have one. I know watching porn together is not a healthy habit, obviously. But what about listening to the audio without seeing it? What about listening alone?

Your sexual thoughts and energy should be devoted to your spouse — so, does listening to the audio track of porn edify your marriage? Does it honor God? Does it focus your sexuality on your spouse? In this particular case it’s hard for us to answer these questions for you, because listening to such audio isn’t appealing to us. The easy answer would be “don’t do it”, but is this audio really different than playing sexy music? I don’t know. Pray and seek God.

Reader “JM” writes:

I appreciate your clear and candid discussion of sexual topics. I looked through the posts searching for thoughts on a particular topic: keeping the sex life magical when separated (military, work, etc.).

Do you have any suggestions or thoughts about what a married couple can do when they are apart? Maybe it is a discussion of phone sex or video chatting. In particular, any suggestions for a wife who is uncomfortable touching herself.

It’s a blessing that Sexy Corte and I aren’t frequently separated by work, so we don’t have much first-hand advice to share. To specifically address the issue of your wife being uncomfortable touching herself, I have two thoughts. First, encourage her to touch herself while you’re with her! It’s very sexy to watch your wife touch herself, and you might even learn a thing or two about how she likes to be touched. Second, you might want to check out one of the numerous “app enabled vibrators” available these days. (Search on the term… we don’t have a specific model to recommend.) These devices will let you control the stimulation that your wife experiences while you’re on the phone, enhancing the feeling of closeness even when you’re far away.

Reader “LG” writes:

Hi, I recently discovered your blog and appreciated the Christian perspective on sex in marriage you write about. I am not married yet but I am in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is quite a lot older then I am however he is still very ‘young’ in appearance. He is a professional body builder and looks about 10 years younger then he is. He is also very healthy. My dads concern before I started dating him was only for my sex life because he said that “passion is sometimes the only thing that keeps a marriage together.” I’m learning more how much frequent sex really does matter in marriage. I am a strong Christian and so is my boyfriend, we both intend to keep our virginity for our wedding night. I am 26 and he is 49. I know its a big age gap. I wanted your opinion on whether it would work for us in the sexual area for us if we got married. I’m thinking ahead too and have considered that when I am my moms age he will be 80. I don’t even know when people stop having sex but I surely don’t want to be the one always wanting it, I want him to want it just as much or more. I know people who marry with an age gap but I have no idea what their sex life looks like! Do you have any first hand information about age gap couples or any insight into this?

That’s a big age gap, and it will become more pronounced as you get older. We get emails all the time from readers in their 60s and 70s who have active sex lives, but it’s impossible for us to say what will happen in your specific situation in 20 years. Also, two 60-year-olds may have a great sex life together, while if one of those sexagenarians were married to a 40-year-old they’d both be miserable because of the libido gap. It’s common for men to experience a decrease in their sex drive as they enter their 60s and 70s.

Reader “KF” writes:

Ever since the birth of my daughter (a few years ago) sex is painful. It doesn’t matter how much lube or how wet I get, it still hurts and I bleed lightly after. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

If sex is painful you should talk to your doctor. It isn’t normal for sex to be painful years after giving birth.

Reader “QF” writes:

Hello, I love your blog and several other Christian sex blogs. Love the way you want to give each other pleasure as often as possible. The one thing I can’t get into my head is, why El Fury? Or is it a secret between you and Sexy Corte?

“Fury” in the sense of “full of unrestrained energy and passion”, not anger! Beyond that, it’s a secret.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email service like Mailinator.

 

Reader “FR” asks:

What is your opinion on a guy wearing feminine lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom, just for the shock factor, or for some good laughs? And just for one night, being a Damsel in distress?

I have no interest in changing my sexual identity, I am very glad that God made me as a man. I just thought about doing this just for fun, to break away from the same-old-same-old, and to liven things up in the bedroom. To me, this is similar to my teenage son dressing up as a girl for last Halloween, and he is about as masculine as they come… but if this is wrong in the eyes of God, then the last thing I would want to do is to offend him.

I’ll answer this in three parts: what the Bible says, how to apply what the Bible says, and what El Fury thinks.

First, I’m only aware of one verse in the Bible that directly talks about cross-dressing:

Deuteronomy 22:5, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.”

I linked the word “abomination” to its definition in the Hebrew so that you can see how strong it is. This verse is pretty easy to interpret, and you’ll notice that it is very culturally grounded: God isn’t specifying the type of clothing allowed for either sex, He’s saying that he expects men and women to adhere to the cultural norms for their sexes. The following New Testament passage is interpreted similarly:

1 Corinthians 11:14-16, “Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering. If anyone is inclined to be contentious, we have no such practice, nor do the churches of God.”

Despite the invocation of “nature itself”, the last sentence in the passage makes it clear that the instructions about hair-length for men and women are based on the common practice of the time. The Bible instructs us to follow the clothing and style customs for our sex.

Moving into the second part of my answer, there’s a broad theme throughout the Bible that God created men and women to be different and distinct, and He doesn’t like it when we muddle things up. The instructions about clothing and hair are culturally dependent, and the way we apply these instructions depends on the culture we live in. Consider the passage from 1 Corinthians: it’s not accurate to insist that all married women should have long hair in the modern world, because that’s not how our culture demonstrates a wife’s submission to her husband. The key issue Paul is addressing is wifely submission, not hair length, and in the broad Mediterranean culture of the early church long hair was a symbol of that submission.

Therefore, the general application is that men and women, husbands and wives, should adhere to their distinct roles and display the outward signs of those roles as appropriate for their culture. Does this mean that cross-gender Halloween costumes are sinful? Or that a husband wearing lingerie is sinful?  I will not presume to condemn anyone based on my extrapolation from the Bible — each person should pray and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. However, my opinion is that the scriptural guidance is pretty  clear on this matter, and you’d do best to steer clear of cross-gender clothing, style, and behavior.

Which brings us to the third part of my answer: El Fury’s opinion. I personally wouldn’t dress or act in a feminine manner to make my wife laugh, especially in a sexual situation. Sure, it may be funny, but the essence of the joke is the husband emasculating himself. That’s not an experience I want to put in my wife’s mind. I want her to see me as strong, masculine, loving, kind, and sexy — and humor that undercuts that image is ultimately destructive to our marriage. It may get a laugh for a minute, and then stick in her mind for decades.

Being able to laugh and play together in a sexual setting is a great boon for your marriage, but husbands, your wife should never have any confusion about your intent to sex her up real good.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email service like Mailinator.

Reader “LM” sent us a long email with several questions, so let’s address each in turn.

I’m writing as a BIG fan of your blog. My fiancée (girlfriend at the time) and I started reading your blog last summer, as a way to facilitate healthy conversations about sex. It has been so helpful to have conversation starters from a Christian perspective, and it has helped us have open and honest conversations about expectations for sex inside marriage. We recently got engaged, and are getting married in March. As the big day gets closer, we decided to put together a list of some questions we had, in the hopes that you could provide some insight.

Congratulations on your engagement! It means so much to us to receive emails like this. We write this blog to edify Christian marriages, and we’re very encouraged when we hit our target. (It’s worth linking to an earlier post for newlyweds: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex.)

Before we get to LM’s specific questions, I should say that it’s not our place to give or withhold permission for what you do in your marriage — that’s between you, your spouse, and God. Read Can we *BLANK*? for more info, and check out 1 Corinthians 8. Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit with discernment and humility.

Here are the questions.

1) We’re both very excited about role play, however, we had a question. In almost all role playing scenarios (teacher-schoolgirl, KGB agent-American spy, etc), the characters are not married. In this case, are you acting out a scenario (sex between unmarried people) that is not honoring to God? OR is it ok because the people actually having sex (me and my soon to be wife) ARE married?

2) Speaking of role play, have you guys ever played out a scenario which has caused you to lust after an actor / actress? My fiancée is a huge Lord of the Rings / Harry Potter fan, and would love to role play some of those characters. My worry is that that might cause one or both of us to think about the actors or actresses we’re role playing during sex instead of each other.

These two questions are great examples of the need for discernment and wisdom. Strictly speaking, you aren’t sinning if your sexual thoughts are aimed exclusively at your spouse. However, if this kind of role-play causes your sexual focus to wander away from your spouse, then it might be sin for you and you should avoid it. You need to be honest with each other, with yourselves, and with God. Flee from sexual immorality and do whatever most strengthens your marriage and your walk with God.

Sexy Corte and I don’t role-play as characters from pop culture — we make up our own characters, and have quite a collection. Characters from books and movies aren’t real people, so lusting after your-wife-as-Hermione doesn’t seem problematic to me.

Also, make sure you check out Tie, Tease, Trivia: Harry Potter Edition.

3) Have you guys ever had sex to music, and found yourself lusting after the artist singing the song? There is some really sexy music out there, but I’m worried that I might end up thinking about the singer during sex, if it’s someone I find attractive.

We occasionally play music during sex, and lusting after the artist had never occurred to us. If music is a stumbling block for you then don’t use it, or listen to music performed by ugly artists!

4) We’ve seen your recommendations to shave prior to the wedding night, but we’re worried that after one or two days of smooth, things may get prickly and uncomfortable. Is there a way to avoid this?

We’ve written about shaving for husbands and wives, and we both really enjoy the sensations of having smooth skin. Of course, shaved hair grows back! We typically shave every few days in the shower, and it only takes a couple of minutes once you’re proficient. If you don’t want to maintain it so frequently you can try waxing, but the hair will still grow back (and waxing costs a lot more money than shaving). You can also try laser hair removal, which costs even more money but can eliminate the hairs (almost) permanently. It’s really a matter of preference.

5) What do couples usually do when the woman is a virgin and there’s the potential that she’ll bleed in the hotel room? Do you just leave it and let the maid change the sheets the next day? Do you bring your own sheets?

Put down a towel and/or leave a nice tip. Honeymoon nights aren’t unique in dirtying hotel sheets, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Do yourself a favor and don’t inspect your hotel room with a UV light.

6) One of the things we’ve talked about is the idea of dirty talk, particularly if it involves cussing. We think it could be hot, but we wanted to hear your thoughts.

Sexy time is pretty much the only time we swear, and yes, it can be hot. There’s nothing sinful about any particular words — it’s all about how you use them. If the words edify your marriage, then great! If they insult or discomfort your spouse, then don’t use them.

Got some thoughts to share? Please leave a comment!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

A couple of weeks ago reader KL wrote to ask for some tips for his wedding night, and now he writes back with great news:

Update!!!!

Wedding night happened and it was awesome! We took your advice and decided to really focus on foreplay for most of the late evening before going for it. Showering together after the reception was a plus as well. We went with the standard missionary and I came in about 30 seconds, but we laughed and had a great night falling asleep afterwards. Since then we’ve had sex about 4 or 5 times but it’s been difficult for me to get all the way in. She says she’s having some pain during intercourse so we’re still working on that. Thanks for your advice!
Congratulations to the newlyweds! We pray that they have many decades of awesome sex ahead of them.
Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Reader KL writes:

Can I get some advice? I’m a in my early-twenties and engaged to be married soon to my girlfriend. I’m beyond excited, obviously, but to be be honest I’m also insanely nervous about our first time together in bed that night. Neither of us have had intercourse before, and I’m not really sure what to do. I was just wondering about your thoughts on the best way to “start a marriage”, if that makes sense? What position is best? Should I groom and all that before hand? Am I too big or too small? What do we do for our first time? Where do most guys finish the first time? Does it really matter? Your blog seems like a safe spot to get some of these answers. Thanks for any advice or help you can give!

(Update: don’t miss the follow-up after KL and his bride’s wedding night.)

First of all, congratulations to you and your bride! Your decision to be obedient to God and abstain from intercourse before marriage will pay dividends for many years to come. Hopefully the two of you have had a candid and explicit talk about sex already to set expectations for your future together. (See: “How to talk about sex before you get married”.)

Second, let’s talk about some preparation for your wedding night. (This post will be written for the groom-to-be, since that’s who asked the question, but much of the advice is applicable for the bride as well.)

  • Grooming. Yes, you should shave your man-parts before your wedding night! If a lady were asking, we’d also recommend that she groom her lady-bits. It’s certainly not necessary, but we find that it enhances hygiene and intimacy.
  • Lube. Bring some water-based lube — you can buy it for $3 at Wal-Mart. No need for anything expensive or fancy. If you’re planning to have sex in the water you’ll want some silicone-based lube… but sex in the water is overrated.
  • Towels. Put some hand towels near the bed. Sex is messy, and lube makes it even more messy. You’ll have more fun snuggling if you don’t have to constantly get up to wipe your hands.
  • Research. Read these: How to Rub a Clitoris and How To Help Your Wife Orgasm. You may also enjoy the book “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman — it has a chapter about making your first time great.
  • Prayer. When you’re all naked and in bed with your bride, pray together! Ask God to bless your sex life, and thank him for your marriage. God wants you to have an awesome sex life, so don’t be embarrassed to pray for it!

Third, here’s a step-by-step plan for what to do when you’re having sex for the first time. This plan isn’t written in stone — be sure to adapt to what your wife says and does.

(Update: Several commenters have shared that they didn’t have sex at all on their wedding nights (for various reasons) — so don’t put too much pressure on yourselves!)

  1. Lay down with your wife. Hold her, hug her, kiss her, and tell her how much you love her. Touch her all over her body.
  2. Lay your wife on her back, and lay yourself next to her on your side so that your dominant arm can reach between her legs (your other arm can go behind her head). Apply a pea-sized dab of lube to your wife’s vagina. Rub the lube around her vulva and up onto her clitoris, making the whole area slick. Your wife may or may not produce much natural lubrication — every woman is different, and she might be nervous.
  3. Rub her clitoris and vulva a lot, as described in the research links above. Continue holding her and kissing her. How will you know that you’ve touched enough? She’ll get flushed, breathe harder, and beg you to penetrate her. It might take a while for her to get really aroused, but there’s no rush — it’ll happen.
  4. Ideally you will be able to bring your wife to orgasm now with your hand or your mouth. (She probably won’t have an orgasm when you penetrate her, so this time is for her!) Ask your wife to look into your eyes while you touch her, and maintain eye contact. Use tiny, fast, gentle circular motions on her clitoris until she climaxes in your arms. Watch her face! Absorb the experience. This will be one of your most precious sexual memories.
  5. After she climaxes, keep her on her back and move yourself on top of her, laying between her legs. Missionary position is easy and intimate for your first time. Rub the head of your penis up and down over her vulva and between her lips. This motion should drive her crazy, and it also gets some lube on you to ease penetration. If the lube has dried, apply more lube! You may need to use your fingers to spread her lips and position your head directly against her opening.
  6. Look into her eyes and tell her how much you love her. Ask her to maintain eye contact again while you penetrate her. Wait for her to invite you in. While you’re looking into each others’ eyes, slowly slide your penis into her. Go slow and be gentle — it might hurt her a little, but if she’s lubed and warmed up it shouldn’t be too bad. If it hurts a lot, slow down and work on enhancing her arousal. Follow the cues her body gives you.
  7. Once you’re in, continue kissing her. Move slowly in and out until you have an orgasm. Unless you have some reason not to, the best place to ejaculate is inside her vagina.
  8. Has she had an orgasm yet? Ask her if she wants one. Use your hands or mouth to satisfy her. If she doesn’t want one, that’s fine also.
  9. Continue holding each other and snuggling for as long as you want.

I hope that plan is helpful! If any readers want to share a tip for newlyweds please leave a comment!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

We get a lot of emails from readers asking questions, but I wanted to share an email from Ellie with a list of tips that work for her and her husband. Every marriage is different, but I always find it encouraging to hear from people who have healthy, exciting sex lives. Maybe something in here will give you an idea for edifying your marriage!

Here’s Ellie’s email, with light editing and a few links back to related posts.

These are just my opinions and what works best for me and my husband. We have been married for 12 years and are intimate literally everyday! And usually at least three times a day!

Overall

  1. You are husband and wife. Don’t be afraid to voice your desires. After all his penis has already been in you, I mean how more intimate can it get than that?
  2. Women are like ovens, it takes a while for us to warm up. Do something out of the ordinary, talk about what you’re going to do to her later, or just pull her to the closet and give her a passionate kiss. Girls, wear some sexy underwear or none throughout the day!
  3. Be conscious of her monthly hormones. Women are more likely to try more things when we’re fertile and hormones are raging.
  4. When you have sex, leave on a light! (Men are visual and love to watch.)
  5. Be vocal! Nothing sounds better the sounds of pleasure from your spouse.
  6. Try new positions! After 12 years of marriage we find new ones on accident! This past week his foot ended on my head pressing me to the mattress and believe or not it was amazing.
  7. Make date night or lunch a priority, especially if you have kids! If the kids can crash at the grandparents house take them up on EVERY opportunity!

Oral Sex

  1. Hygiene and shave: it will make it more enjoyable for both!
  2. Watch your diet. Fruits and lots of water will lead to better tasting experience for both. Stay away from asparagus and onions.
  3. If you want her to swallow make sure you are not going to give her a full load. More is not always a good thing in this department. And let her know how much you enjoy it.
  4. Women, practice with your fingers and don’t worry if you gag, I don’t think any man would complain! It actually excited my husband more! If you feel as if you might vomit take a break and concentrate on his friends below — some kisses and licks will do the trick. After you recuperate get back to it!
  5. Make eye contact with your spouse to create a very intimate experience.
  6. Sometimes women do not know how amazing giving oral sex to a man can look. Record it and watch it back together later!
  7. Husbands, don’t forget about her! Ask her where she likes it and let her grab your head to steer you in the right direction.

Anal

  1. When my hubby first asked I thought he was crazy. We both have high libidos and “that time of the month” seems like eternity. I never in a million years thought I would enjoy it, but now we both have had some amazing orgasms this way.
  2. Prep! Just like for any other intimate act, cleaning is essential! Eat less that day. About two hours before sex I always feel better with a water enema to make sure every thing is clean. This might be TMI but I also inject about a tablespoon of organic coconut oil in my anus, right before we begin. That way you won’t have to stop during foreplay to lube up. Plus coconut oil is a natural anti-bacterial! We have used it for years, and it’s great lube for the vagina, too!
  3. Foreplay, and lots of it! Take it slow when you are entering. Very slow! And don’t pound as you would in vaginal sex.
  4. Position: Laying face down and bottom up seems to be easiest for beginners.

Accessories!

  1. One word: Magic wand. She will orgasm uncontrollably and you won’t even have to move! Even better to add during sex. My husband says my vaginal contractions are amazing when we use this. She might ejaculate too so don’t be surprised, she is not peeing! Taste it! It actually taste like sweet water.
  2. Straps! No need to spend a lot of money. Get heavy duty ace bandages and tie them to the bed post. Our favorite position is when I lay on my back and he ties my feet above my head.
  3. Ben wa balls and kegels. It will make sex more pleasurable for both of you and the orgasms will be even stronger!
  4. Doggy style tummy strap!
  5. Chairs! Enough said! Let your imagination run wild.

Got a question for Ellie? Want to share some of your own tips? Leave a comment!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

We’ve gotten enough emails on the topic that it’s worth addressing: is it ok for Christians to engage in swinging or wife swapping? (None of the emails we’ve received are suitable for quotation.) I suppose we get these emails because it’s obvious from our blog that Sexy Corte and I are pro-sex and enjoy some kinky stuff that isn’t discussed at church. I’m not sure if the folks who email us are genuinely wondering what the Bible has to say on swinging or if they’re looking for someone to help rationalize existing behavior, but I’m going to give a sincere answer.

Swinging or wife swapping is a sin called adultery, and is never acceptable to God. It doesn’t matter if you, your spouse, and the other couple all consent — God doesn’t consent. The Seventh Commandment is short and to the point:

Exodus 20:14, “You shall not commit adultery.”

Jesus raises the bar set in the Old Testament:

Matthew 5:27-28, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

A person might claim, “It’s not adultery if my spouse knows about it and approves.” However, the definition of adultery makes no such distinction, and never has throughout human history.

voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

The bottom line here is similar to an earlier Q&A on threesomes:

God’s will is that sex should be reserved exclusively for a husband and a wife. So, while there aren’t many limits on what you and your wife can do together, you can’t bring someone else into your sexual relationship. Neither spouse can give the other spouse permission to commit adultery — adultery isn’t just a sin against your spouse, it’s a sin against God. Permission from your spouse doesn’t make adultery acceptable to God. It is never acceptable to have sex outside of your marriage. See also: Proverbs 5, “be intoxicated always in her love”Hebrews 13:4, and Proverbs 7.

If your marriage is happy, swinging won’t strengthen it; if your marriage is unhappy, wife swapping won’t fix any of the underlying problems. We strongly exhort every married couple to keep their sex life exclusive to themselves. This is what God commands through the Bible, and worldly experience says the same thing.

See also: Are There Any Sexual Limits or Boundaries in a Christian Marriage?

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Reader “T” asks:

I was talking to my wife the other night about swallowing during oral sex and it was very informative. During the talk I asked why she didn’t care for swallowing. She said that she has a strong gag reflex,  and there are times when I have a lot of semen and she gags or she can’t deep throat because of her gag reflex. She mentioned the possibility of using numbing sprays for her throat and I was wondering if you or Sexy Corte had any thoughts about that.

If only semen tasted like chocolate! Alas!

(Note: We are not doctors and we are not responsible for your health and safety.)

Let’s directly address T’s question first: yes, it it is generally safe to use numbing sprays to help overcome your gag reflex. However, in my opinion there’s a better option: practice.

I recognize that this advice may seem self-serving, as a husband on the receiving end, but the gag reflex can be desensitized over time by repeated exposure. This will be a bit of work for the wife and require some determination, but hopefully it will be pleasurable. The basic principle is simple: the wife should practice taking the husband’s penis into her mouth and throat as deep as possible, over and over. She should focus on herself and work at improving her depth and time, rather than trying to bring her husband to orgasm. Like any physical training, it will take time and effort to see improvement.

Wives, your reaction to this idea of practice and improvement may be along the lines of: screw that, he should be glad I go down at all! That’s fine, it’s up to you. I’m only pointing out that physical training will improve your gag reflex if you want to. It’s exercise you can even do while watching television!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Reader “L” writes:

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire:

“Now, I’m not against spicing things up, and I do think lots of things can be fun! But when we’re wanting ‘more’ because we’ve programmed ourselves to think ‘the weirder the sexier’, there’s a problem.”

It stems from the porn argument — many men have been conditioned through porn to be aroused by what they’ve seen and that there is an escalating factor as seen by the lack of what you might call vanilla interactions in porn today.

When I hear that argument (not so much about porn’s influence, but about it being the driving behind any interest in sexy games, bondage, etc.), I question how anyone could arrive at introducing extra-curricular activities into their sex lives without some kind of societal influence. No one lives in a vacuum and it is more impossible today than it was 20 years ago. I also personally don’t like the use of the word “weirder”, but that’s a whole other argument I could have.

What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks for the question! As you might expect, I’ve got a lot of thoughts. The quote comes from a post Sheila wrote about the dangers porn can create in a marriage. We agree: porn is dangerous to your marriage. Your sexuality should be focused on your spouse.

However, porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

It’s worth adding that men aren’t the only ones looking at porn — women also consume and are influenced by porn. Surveys indicate that a higher percentage of men than women view porn, but up to 30% of women are willing to admit to Cosmo that they view porn “daily” or “once every few days”. I’d bet that the actual number — women who won’t admit it — is higher.

Finally, let’s talk about “weird” sex. Literally:

1. involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny:

2. fantastic; bizarre:

3. Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny.

I don’t think people mean supernatural, so let’s go with definition number two: fantastic or bizarre. Neither word is inherently negative.

Fantasticconceived by an unrestrained imagination; odd and remarkable; extravagantly fanciful; marvelous; incredibly great or extreme; exorbitant; highly unrealistic or impractical.

Bizarre: markedly unusual in appearance, style, or general character and often involving incongruous or unexpected elements; outrageously or whimsically strange; odd.

In both cases, “weird” is opposite to “normal” — so what’s normal? The Bible doesn’t differentiate between normal sex and weird sex, only between Godly sex and sinful sex. The only way to define “normal” is with reference to some environment and culture. Something normal in one place and time, to one person, may be weird to another. Normal and weird are determined by your perspective and your biases. Godly and sinful are determined by God.

Some sex act may be normal and sinful at the same time, or Godly and weird at the same time. Consider:

So, that’s the long way of saying: “weird” is in the eye of the beholder. With a few limits, if you want to do it and your spouse agrees, go for it.

I think there are also two other things a person can mean when they use the word “weird”.

First, they can simply mean: “I don’t want to do that”. It’s perfectly acceptable to be apprehensive about some sex act, but it’s important to communicate and explain why. Saying something is “weird” is a passive-aggressive way of shaming your spouse into hiding their desire. Don’t use “weird” as an excuse to just say no.

Second, “weird” can mean novel, something new. We definitely don’t think it’s wrong to seek out new ways to enjoy sex with your spouse! We write about that all the time. As Sheila would seem to agree, we do recommend prioritizing penis-in-vagina sex, but we also think it’s healthy to push your boundaries and explore new things. A desire for new experiences is common in many areas of life, not just sex. You may not like everything you try, and that’s ok!

Finally, check out that third definition for “weird”: controlling fate or destiny. All sex is weird like that!

What do you think? Fantastic, bizarre, novel? How does culture influence your sexual relationship with your spouse?

Update: Commenter Juliettte makes some great observations about the positive effects that culture can have on married sex!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Reader “B” asks:

What are your thoughts on FFM threesomes?

My wife has expressed interest in a FFM threesome where I as the husband would only interact with my wife and she can interact with the other female. We are both Christians and are struggling with this desire. While wanting to pursue this we are also burdened with the sinful nature of it. What are your thoughts regarding this? There has been some girl/girl stuff happen in the past as part of some experimenting while we were married and I was present for it. But we are looking into the swinging lifestyle and have rules and boundaries in place and nothing has happened yet. Wanting another Christians viewpoint on this situation.

As we wrote in our post about sexual boundaries in marriage, God’s will is that sex should be reserved exclusively for a husband and a wife. So, while there aren’t many limits on what you and your wife can do together, you can’t bring someone else into your sexual relationship. Neither spouse can give the other spouse permission to commit adultery — adultery isn’t just a sin against your spouse, it’s a sin against God. Permission from your spouse doesn’t make adultery acceptable to God. It is never acceptable to have sex outside of your marriage. See also: Proverbs 5, “be intoxicated always in her love”Hebrews 13:4, and Proverbs 7.

If that’s not enough, it’s easy to Google for something like “threesome ruined my marriage” and find hundreds of horror stories. Of course, you think your marriage is differentbut everyone thinks that. 93% of Americans think they’re better-than-average drivers. If you and your spouse are currently pretty happy in your marriage, having a threesome is very likely to cause a huge amount of damage. You can read one such story in Genesis 16 and 21, about Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar.

On the other hand, if you and your spouse aren’t happy in your marriage, a threesome won’t fix things. There are a zillion reasons for marital dissatisfaction, but think about it: why would adding a third person to the dynamic strengthen your relationship with your spouse? It may temporarily distract you from the pain and frustration you’re feeling — like becoming an alcoholic — but it won’t resolve any of the problems that are actually causing dissatisfaction. If your marriage is having trouble, drinking more alcohol isn’t likely to improve things… you’ll just self-medicate yourself into oblivion. In the end, you’ll be worse off than you are now. Peruse our blog or any of the links on the sidebar for ideas on how to spice up your sex life with your spouse.

We strongly exhort every married couple to keep their sex life exclusive to themselves. This is what God commands through the Bible, and worldly experience says the same thing.

“B” replies:

Thank you for your response. We have done a lot research and we agree that it is sinful and should not be pursued. That being said, the feelings are still there for us both and that will be a struggle. Our faith was strong when we first got married and there have been bumps in the road but we are both very happy in our marriage and in life. I do struggle in my faith because of my job as a firefighter/paramedic and the stuff I have to see and deal with makes it hard to believe that there’s a God that loves us and watches over us.

It’s good that B and his wife have avoided this sin. It’s common to look at the evil, pain, and death that surround us in the world and wonder why God hasn’t prevented it — but he’s given us the ability to stand against evil by the power of the Holy Spirit. The choices we make can be holy, glorifying to God, and healing to mankind, or they can be selfish and evil. Resist temptation and make good choices! We’re grateful for people like B who put their lives on the line to protect us.

See also: Sex Q&A: Christian Wife Swapping, Swinging

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.