The “husbands” tag will lead you to several posts intended to help husbands be more attractive to their wives, including topics like clothes, muscles, hygiene, and improving her orgasms. Today I’m going to share a list of 19 ways for a man to be more attractive — according to science! I’m not going to talk about each one, because some of them are dumb or don’t apply in a marriage. Here it goes…

We’ve written about your wife’s indicators of interest before. A wife usually expresses her interest in sex more subtly than her husband, so don’t miss the cues!

“First the woman smiles at her admirer and lifts her eyebrows in a swift, jerky motion as she opens her eyes wide to gaze at him. Then she drops her eyelids, tilts her head down and to the side, and looks away. Frequently she also covers her face with her hands, giggling nervously as she retreats behind her palms.”

Grow a beard, it will make you look more dominant and aggressive.

In a 2013 study from researchers at the University of New South Wales, researchers had 177 heterosexual men and 351 heterosexual women look at images of 10 men in one of four conditions: clean-shaven, light stubble, heavy stubble, or full beard. Participants rated the men pictured on several traits, including attractiveness.

That women said the most attractive beard length was heavy stubble.

“Facial hair correlates not only with maturity and masculinity, but also with dominance and aggression,” write authors Barnaby J. Dixson and Robert C. Brooks.

“An intermediate level of beardedness is most attractive,” they add.

Build some muscle. Here the phrase “short-term relationships” basically means that the woman wants to bang.

In a 2007 study from University of California, Los Angeles, 286 women looked at pictures of shirtless men and indicated which ones seemed like they would make the best long- and short-term partners.

Results showed that women were more likely to want short-term relationships with the guys who had big muscles.

Wear strong colors, like red.

A 2010 cross-cultural study — with participants from China, England, Germany, and the US — found that women are most attracted to men wearing red.

In one experiment from the study, 55 female undergrads looked at a color photo of a man in either a red or green shirt, and then rated the man’s attractiveness.

Sure enough, the man was rated significantly more attractive when he was wearing a red shirt. The results were similar when researchers compared the red shirt to other color shirts as well.

Interestingly, participants generally weren’t aware that the man’s clothing color was influencing their perceptions of his attractiveness.

Be funny.

Multiple studies indicate that women are more attracted to men who can make them laugh. Interestingly though, men generally aren’t more attracted to women who can make them laugh.

Take “hunter-gatherer” risks.

A 2014 study led by researchers at the University of Alaska at Anchorage found that women are attracted to men who take what the researchers call “hunter-gatherer risks.”

More than 230 undergrads filled out questionnaires about how attractive they would find a partner who engaged in certain risky behaviors, as opposed to a partner who engaged in low- or no-risk behaviors.

Hunter-gatherer risks included mountain biking, deep-sea scuba diving, and extreme rollerblading. “Modern” risks included plagiarizing an academic paper, casually handling chemicals in a lab, and not updating the virus-protection software on your computer.

Low- and no-risk behaviors included biking along paved paths and carefully handling chemicals in a chemistry-lab class.

Results showed that women said they would be more attracted to men who engaged in hunter-gatherer risks — the kinds that were similar to risks faced by ancestral humans. Women said they would be less attracted to men who engaged in modern risks, which might seem just plain dumb.

Eat garlic!

In one study, eight men ate a slice of bread with cheese and 12 grams of fresh garlic; another eight ate bread and cheese without any garlic. For the next 12 hours, the men wore cotton pads under their armpits and were instructed not to use any deodorants or fragrances.

The following day, all the men returned to the lab, where 40 women sniffed the pads and rated the odor on pleasantness, attractiveness, masculinity, and intensity. Results showed that the garlic group was rated more pleasant and attractive and less masculine and intense.

And finally, looking proud is better than looking happy.

In one experiment included in the study, researchers had nearly 900 North American adults look at photos of opposite-sex individuals online.

The researchers were specifically comparing people’s perceptions of expressions of pride, happiness, shame, and neutrality (other people had already identified the emotion behind the expression in the photo). For women evaluating men, the most appealing expression was pride, and the least appealing was happiness.

It’s important to note that the features and behaviors listed above generally do not make a woman more attractive to a man. We’re very different creatures.

Are you ever confused by your own sexual arousal? By what turns you on and when? Or… maybe you’re confused by your spouse. Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex? Why is he always so turned on? The “he” and “she” there are stereotypical — sometimes it goes the other way — but scientists have identified two different pathways to arousal that map onto these common perceptions. The two polarities are called “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire”, and they lead to very different behavior that can confuse you and your spouse if you don’t recognize what’s happening.

Men typically (but not always) exhibit spontaneous desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that isn’t triggered by any obvious external factors. “Hey, I want to have sex!” Spontaneous desire motivates the initiation of sexual behavior. Spontaneous desire leads you to ask for a date, lean in for a kiss, test boundaries for touching, escalate a physical encounter, try new things, and risk rejection. These behaviors can be confusing for the recipient, because it may seem like the sexual behavior is coming out of nowhere — which it is. It’s spontaneous. The recipient of these behaviors may ask themselves things like:

  • “Why is he touching me now?”
  • Why does he want to do that?
  • “Why is he so persistent?”
  • “Again?”
  • “Does he think about anything besides sex?”

Women typically (but not always) exhibit responsive desire. This polarity manifests as sexual desire that grows after sexual behavior has started. “Oh, that feels good… I guess I am in the mood!” A person with responsive desire may seem to have a low libido because she doesn’t often initiate sex, and it can take some effort on her part to “get into the mood”. What’s especially interesting is that women often don’t even know when they’re aroused at first.

Men’s subjective ratings of arousal were in agreement with their body’s level of sexual arousal about 66 percent of the time, while women’s were in line only about 26 percent of the time.

“The general pattern that I have seen in my laboratory is that women experience a genital response but do not report feeling sexually aroused,” Chivers told LiveScience.

Women’s bodies often get aroused before their minds do. Crazy, huh? With responsive desire, sexual arousal will follow physical or mental sexual stimulation, and that stimulation usually comes from a husband who is trying to initiate sex. Without understanding this process, a husband may think things like:

  • “Why doesn’t she ever initiate sex?”
  • “I’ll wait for her to initiate this time.”
  • “Why do I have to try so hard to turn her on?”
  • “Isn’t she attracted to me? Doesn’t she want me?”
  • “Why doesn’t she suggest something new?”

Of course, there are no absolutes in life. Some men are more responsive, and some women are more spontaneous. What’s more, a person’s desire polarity may vary over time — especially for women, as their hormones change throughout their menstrual cycles.

Now that you know about spontaneous and responsive desire, what action can you take?

If you and your spouse are both spontaneous… well, you’re probably having sex all the time. Congrats!

If you are spontaneous and your spouse is responsive:

  • Don’t judge your responsive spouse for not being spontaneous.
  • Learn how to elicit sexual response from your spouse and recognize when she is getting turned on.
  • Be enthusiastic and persistent with initiation; don’t get frustrated that you initiate most of the time.

If you are responsive and your spouse is spontaneous:

  • Don’t judge your spontaneous spouse for not being responsive.
  • When your spontaneous spouse initiates sex, don’t immediately see it as an annoyance or distraction! Give your mind a body a chance to respond.
  • Learn to recognize your own arousal when your mind and body respond to your spouse’s initiation. It may not be obvious.

If you and your spouse are both responsive, you’re going to need to be extra intentional. Try one of our sex games or the random foreplay generator to initiate sex when you’ve got time, even if neither of you is particularly in the mood. Once you get started, you can both respond to the heat generated by the game!

Do you have any experiences to share? Any advice? Leave a comment!

Reader “MN” asks a question we’ve gotten a few times but have only addressed briefly:

Good sir, first want to say thank you for this site. I really appreciate your time and how gentle, yet how firm you are when you respond to people’s questions.

One question I have is this: do you feel that it’s ok to swear while having sex? Like dropping the f-bomb when one climaxes. Or using “ass” to describe my wife’s butt? Thanks for your time and may God bless you both!

This is a great question. Like many Christians, Sexy Corte and I are very careful about our language. In James 3:5-12, God warns us that an uncontrolled tongue can lead to destruction.

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

I don’t know about you… but my tongue gets me into more trouble than any other part of my body! Think about the comparison that’s made between a tongue and fire: an uncontrolled tongue won’t only hurt the speaker, it can burn down a whole forest — your family, friends, church, and more. A wicked tongue hinders our praise of God and our ability to serve him.

So obviously controlling your tongue is extremely important. Every part of your life and your ministry will be impacted, positively or negatively, but how you use your tongue.

But notice: the emphasis isn’t on “swear words”. The Bible doesn’t really have anything to say about whether or not certain words are off-limits, and how could it? “Swear words” are dependent on language, culture, and context in a way that doesn’t translate. God doesn’t really care about specific words, he cares about what you say and why you say it. A person can be extremely cruel without swearing, but “good language” doesn’t mitigate the harm caused by hateful speech.

Similarly, in the right context, “swear words” can be used to edify the listener and strengthen a marriage. The point isn’t the words you use, it’s whether you’re building up or tearing down. It may be that your spouse never wants to hear swearing come from your mouth — if so, then don’t do it. However, in the heat of the moment it can often be quite sexy to indulge in the taboo of swearing. There are many things you can only do with your spouse, and if swearing turns both of you on and strengthens your sex life then go for it! (Read “Can we *BLANK*?” for some further thoughts.)

Sometimes a mid-day whisper about what you want to do that night is just what your spouse needs to hear!

In the end, there are no magic words that are good or evil on their own — the holiness of your speech depends on what you’re saying and to whom.

After the kids go to bed Sexy Corte and I often spend the evening playing games together — board games or video games. We find that cooperative games are a great opportunity to work together on a fun problem and get the thrill of “accomplishment” — even though the game is meaningless, the time spent working together is good for our relationship. Playing games stimulates our minds and creates a set of shared experiences that can fuel our conversations.

But do you know the worst part about modern video games? The loading screen! We realized that when a game or level started to load we’d both turn down to our phones and check out of the shared experience. No good! To rectify this problem, we created a new activity: loading screen make-out session. The name is pretty self-explanatory: you make-out until the game finishes loading. The loading bar gives you a visual timer, and the experience is similar to seven minutes in heaven because you’re working on a clock. You can kiss, play, tease, arouse, or do whatever you want, but when the loading screen is over you have to stop… unless you don’t!

If you don’t play games with your spouse, we highly recommend it. If readers are interested, we can share some game recommendations in a future post.

 

Bratty: “spoiled, self-centered, and badly behaved”.

I’m blessed to have a charming, peaceful, and generous wife in Sexy Corte, and having a bratty wife (or husband!) would certainly be very unpleasant.

Proverbs 21:9 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

And yet, there’s something sexy about the idea of “taming” a bratty wife! (Shakespeare even wrote a play about it.) This post will give you some ideas for how you can role-play as a “bratty wife” and dominant husband. Remember: role-playing is play. Both spouses should be comfortable and have fun, even though the play creates pretend conflict. (You may also enjoy posts about how to do sexual role-playing and role-playing as professor and student.)

The bratty wife scenario is fun for several reasons:

  • Power exchange. There’s an interesting power dynamic between the bratty wife and her husband. The bratty wife gets to play at being self-centered, petty, rude, and teasing. She can put him off, reject his advances, dismiss him, ignore him, and generally stick her tongue out until he demands better behavior. The husband gets to react to his wife’s disrespect with assertive dominance. Rather than pulling back or trying to appease her brattiness, the husband gets to play a commanding role, pushing his bratty wife to treat him with obedience and respect.
  • Letting loose. In real life we strive to treat everyone with care and respect, especially our spouses! But it can be fun to let loose with stronger, more active behavior without hurting anyone’s feelings. As long as both spouses respect each other’s boundaries (more on this later), you can play at being petty, demanding, and forceful in a way that you can’t do in normal situations.
  • Clear goals. Role-playing is enhanced when both spouses understand the goals they’re working towards, and in the “bratty wife” scenario the goals are pretty easy. The husband’s goal is to obtain obedience and submission from the wife, as represented by her words and deeds. The wife’s goal is to make him work for it! The scenario ultimately ends with the wife submitting, but she has the power to decide how long it takes.

So let’s talk about boundaries! Since this role-playing scenario is based around pretend bad behavior, it’s important to understand in advance what kind of behavior could actually end up being hurtful to your spouse. Here are some guidelines.

  • Don’t bring up real areas of disagreement or tension. Role-playing is a game, not a method for resolving your actual disputes. The game will quickly turn ugly if you bring up real flash points.
  • Don’t insult each other. Neither spouse should insult the other — you can be spoiled, petty, rude, and commanding without being insulting. Especially avoid insulting any attribute of your spouse that you know they’re sensitive about for real!
  • Don’t be mean. Being bratty or commanding doesn’t imply meanness or cruelty. Hopefully the examples below reflect that difference. The commanding husband and bratty wife love each other!

So how do you get started? It’s probably worth discussing your boundaries first — which may be short and simple, or may turn into a longer conversation. I recommending not having this talk immediately before you intend to start role-playing! Do it the day before, and then pick a time in advance to begin the game. “Bratty wife” can begin before the kids are even in bed, with whispered remarks and pouty faces. Then when you’re alone together, the husband can kick things off by saying something like: “Your behavior this evening was not acceptable.”

The game has three phases, dictated by the bratty wife’s behavior.

  1. Refusal. The wife refuses to obey commands until the husband “makes” her.
  2. Reluctance. The wife obeys direct commands without enthusiasm. The husband corrects her and shows her what he expects.
  3. Submission. The wife is “tamed” and drops her bratty behavior, now eager to please her husband.

The bratty wife is the star of the show; here are some things she can do and say.

  • The bratty wife is “spoiled, self-centered, and badly behaved”, but not mean or cruel. She loves her husband, but is just a brat.
  • Don’t simply resist everything. Submit a little, then be bratty again, then submit, then be bratty, over and over. The ultimate conclusion of the game is that you submit — but make him earn it.
  • Don’t make the game into a physical fight: resist with your words and body language. The dominant husband should use his strength (gently!) to push you towards compliance; submit to his touch, but resist with your words.
  • Use body language: roll your eyes, sigh, cross your arms, turn your back, walk away, stick out your tongue.
  • “No.” “No way.” “Forget it.” — Phase 1, Refusal. Be dramatic and annoying. Refuse, then submit when he makes you do it.
  • “But I just want to…” — You care about you. Whine about what you want.
  • “I don’t want to!”
  • “Do it yourself.”
  • “Make me.”
  • “I can’t believe you’re making me do this.” — Phase 2, Reluctance. As the game goes on, you begin to obey his direct commands, but without enthusiasm.
  • Whatever he tells you to do, do it half-way; stop in the middle of a task. If it’s a sexual activity, frustrate him just as he gets aroused.
  • “Yeah, yeah, I respect you.” — But don’t say it like you mean it until he makes you.
  • “Oh fine, I’m sorry.”
  • “Yes sir!” — Sarcastically.
  • “I’m sorry I was so disrespectful.” — Phase 3, Submission. When you’re ready to turn the corner of the game, show your husband that he has tamed you.
  • “You really know how to handle me.”
  • “Yes, I’ll do whatever you say.”
  • “What do you want me to do?”
  • “How can I show you my love and respect?”
  • “Deal with me however you see fit.”
  • “I’ll do whatever you want.”

The husband’s behavior is consistent in all three phases of the game. Here are some things the husband can do and say.

  • The husband is confident and commanding, but not unkind. He doesn’t ask, defer, or apologize — he demands respect and submission. He doesn’t cater to the wife’s feelings or appeals for fairness. He expects good behavior and submission from his wife.
  • Be firm, clear, and direct. Tell your wife what you expect her to do — how you want her to demonstrate her respect and submission. Don’t give in to her whining.
  • Use your hands (gently!) to encourage her submission. Position her how you want, lead her to where you want her to be. Touch her and handle her.
  • “Your behavior this evening was not acceptable.”
  • “I expect you to show me respect.”
  • “You will apologize.”
  • “Don’t roll your eyes at me.”
  • “Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you.”
  • “Stop talking.”
  • “Don’t walk away from me until I say so.”
  • “You obviously need some instruction on how to show respect to your husband.”
  • “When I tell you to do something, you do it.”
  • “Give me a good apology.”
  • “You don’t sound very sorry to me. Try again.”
  • “Show me that you mean it.”
  • “Stand up.” “Sit down.” “Bring me a drink.” “Put your hair up/down.” “Go change your clothes.” — Issue arbitrary orders to test her obedience.
  • “You don’t get an orgasm until I say so.”
  • “If you’re going to act like a brat, then…” — Impose consequences for her behavior, like:
  • “… you don’t deserve those nice clothes. Give me your pants/shirt/panties/whatever.” — Maybe she can earn them back.
  • “… bend over my knee so I can spank you.”
  • “… I’ve got a better use for your mouth.”
  • “… hold this vibrator on yourself without climaxing, and tell me when you’re ready to apologize.”

Sex can either be part of the scenario or take place afterwards, it’s up to you.

When you’re done role-playing, talk about how it went. Have a good cuddle. Talk about your favorite parts of the scene, and stay positive. Later on, after the glow wears off, discuss anything you didn’t like and wouldn’t choose to do again. If your spouse really liked some element that wasn’t your favorite, negotiate and find some common ground that works for your marriage.

Have you played a game like this before? Are you going to try it? Leave a comment!

Men often have as much body shame as women do, even though it’s not as acceptable for a man to admit it. As I wrote in my previous post about making the most of the size you’ve got, it’s common for a man to worry that his penis isn’t as big, attractive, hard, or potent as it “should” be — according to the standards society imposes through the media. Even aside from pornography — which is a whole problem of its own — simple family sitcoms make frequent penis jokes at the expense of husbands and imply that wives crave a body type that most men don’t possess and can’t attain.

So, the previous post gave some practical tips for husbands and wives to make the most of the penis they share, and in this post I’m going to give some suggestions for how a wife can build her husband up by admiring his penis. Even if your husband has never expressed any anxiety about his penis, I assure you that he takes his member very seriously. Even more than his semen, a man’s penis represents his male power, virility, and essence. These ideas are guaranteed to make your husband more confident, happy, and affectionate (in and out of bed).

  • Don’t be afraid of it. Hopefully your husband is keeping his penis clean (and possibly shaving), so don’t be afraid to get right up close. If you’re uncomfortable around his penis then he’s definitely going to notice and feel self-conscious. The primary way to overcome this aversion is to familiarize yourself with it, whether in a sexual context or otherwise. Look at his penis, touch it, handle it, talk about it, play with it, get to know it. Make friends with your husband’s penis — it’s your penis, too!
  • Physical touch. This probably goes without saying, but your husband loves it when you touch his penis. Don’t touch it reluctantly or hesitantly — be enthusiastic! Use your hands and mouth, of course, but don’t hesitate to use other body parts, too. Your face, neck, breasts, stomach, and butt are all very intimate areas that you can rub against your husband’s penis to show your desire for it. “Can I play with you while we watch TV?” will send your husband through the roof.
  • Admire its physicality. Tell your husband how much you love his penis. Be sincere — what do you like about it? This is a super-easy way for a wife to initiate sex. Examples:
    • “I love how you fill me up”
    • “I love how you feel inside me”
    • “You’re so hard!”
    • “You taste so good”
    • “It feels so good when you slide into me”
    • “Just looking at you gets me so wet”
    • “You’re making my mouth water!”
    • Important note: don’t tell him his penis is big unless it actually is; men know, and if you lie about this it will simply undermine everything else you say.
  • Ask for it before sex. Just like women, men want to be wanted. Even if the husband initiates sex most of the time (which seems common), the wife can validate him by expressing her desire for his penis. Here are a few examples:
    • “I need you inside me right now”
    • “My body is aching for you”
    • “Go slow, I want to feel every inch of you”
    • “Please fill me up!”
    • “I can’t wait to wrap my lips around you”
    • “I’ve been wanting to taste you all day”
    • “I can’t wait to swallow you”
  • Responsiveness during sex. That link can give you some general tips for responding to your spouse during sex. Here are some ways to specifically respond to your husband’s penis:
    • Act like it hurts a little. Not enough to make him stop or worry, but a little moaning and groaning when he enters will go a long way. If he hesitates, just tell him, “No, don’t stop! It feels amazing!”
    • Moaning and groaning in general are sexy. I’m not suggesting that a wife should act deceptivelysimply that you should verbalize the pleasure you’re feeling.
    • “You’re so big!” — again, if he is.
    • “I feel so complete when you’re in me”
    • “You feel so warm inside me”
    • “You feel so hard inside me”
    • “Pound me harder!”
    • “My body feels so full!”
    • “Yes! I’ve needed this all day”
    • “I love feeling you so deep in me”
    • “I can feel you shooting inside me”
  • Show appreciation after sex. Tell your husband how much you enjoyed his penis.
    • “I can’t believe that fit inside me” — again, if plausible.
    • “I’m going to be sore for a while after that!”
    • “I can’t wait to get you inside me again”
    • “Let me lick you off”
    • “You hit me just right inside”
    • “I feel so empty inside without you in there”
  • Enjoy his semen. Read that link for details. Accepting your husband’s semen goes right along with enjoying his penis.

(Update: Marriage 4:29 has more tips for encouraging his manhood.)

Wives, I predict that if you use one of these ideas each day you’ll have a huge positive effect on your husbands!

Do you have a tip to share? Husbands, is there anything you like to hear from your wife? Leave a comment below.

The most common emails we get are about oral sex, but a little way down the list are questions from folks who want to incorporate role-playing in their sex life, but aren’t really sure how to get started. I wrote a post about how to do sexual role-playing, and today I’m going to give more specific tips for how to play out a professor-and-student scene. This scenario is probably the most common role-playing that Sexy Corte and I do, and maybe these ideas will get your creative juices flowing.

(If you haven’t read the how-to post yet, you might want to start there. Don’t worry… it’s normal to feel a little silly and awkward at first!)

From here on, I’m going to assume that the wife is playing the Student role, but you can easily flip it. Remember: role-playing is play. Both spouses should be comfortable and have fun, even though the play puts them in roles of power and submission.

The professor-and-student scenario is fun for several reasons:

  • Power exchange. The power dynamic between the Student and Professor is fun to inhabit. Instead of being equals, the Student (temporarily, for the purposes of fun) gives up her power in the encounter and pretends to reluctantly submit to the Professor’s sexual advances. She gets to play coy, innocent, and desperate for the Professor’s approval, while the Professor gets to play at using his power and authority to “prey” on the Student’s vulnerability.
  • Familiar emotional hooks. The emotions behind the role-play are easy to grasp, because we’ve all been in the position of the student who really needs to pass her class. She doesn’t want to get kicked out of school! What will her parents think if she fails? Will she have to repeat the class? Will she graduate? She’ll do whatever it takes to satisfy her professor, even….
  • Clear goals. The professor-and-student scenario is relatively easy to improvise because both characters have clear goals: the Student wants her grade, and the Professor wants the Student. It’s not like you’re playing a pirate or an astronaut or Hamlet. Both roles can take initiative and play into their parts without any confusion about where the scene is going. No one should need to break character or say “I don’t know”.

Ok, so how do you get started? I enjoy prompting Sexy Corte with a note early in the day. Something like this:

To: Miss Corte

Please come see me during office hours this evening around 7:30pm. We need to discuss your midterm exam.

Signed: Professor Fury

[You haven’t been doing so well in class, but you really need to pass! You might have slightly cheated on your midterm… hopefully the professor hasn’t figured it out.]

The note proposes a time and place for the scene to begin, which means we can jump right into it after the kids are in bed. The last part, in brackets, gives Miss Corte some motivation for her character so that we’re on the same page when she shows up in my office. She needs to pass the class (of course), but she also has a secret that she hopes Professor Fury doesn’t know, which might give her an extra edge of desperation if it’s revealed.

If Sexy Corte is up for the plan she’ll send me a note or text message back. We’ll probably text back and forth several times, building up the tension and arousal. After the kids are in bed I’ll go to my office and wait for Miss Corte to knock on my door. Here are a few ideas for how each role can be played once the scene begins — this isn’t a script, just some thoughts to spur your imagination!

Things the Professor can do or say:

  • Dress formally, like a professor. You are powerful and intelligent, at the top of your profession — your students tremble at your gaze.
  • Sit in your chair behind your desk. Act stern, aloof, and disappointed in the Student.
  • “I finished grading your test, and you didn’t do very well at all.”
  • “I’m disappointed that you aren’t taking my class seriously.”
  • “If you don’t improve your grade, you’re not going to pass my class.”
  • “You could lose your scholarship, and might not even graduate.”
  • “What do you intend to do about this situation?” — This line is fun, because it puts the Student in the position of having to “reluctantly” propose some sexual favor.
  • “You might be able to earn some extra credit, if…” — Trail off, as if you’re considering some options.
  • “I’m not sure you’re willing to put in the work it will take.” — Make the Student assure you that she is.
  • “Yes, I’m afraid I must insist.”
  • “You say you’re a good girl, but you need to show me.”
  • “Very well. Kneel here in front of me while I think about how to help you. I’m sure you know what to do.”
  • “Before you can bring up your grade, you need to be punished for your cheating. Bend over my knee and pull down your panties. This is for your own good.” — Spanking is always fun.
  • “How many spanks do you think you deserve?” — Make her pick a number. Does she understand how serious this situation is?
  • “Are you really trying your hardest? Is this your best effort?”
  • “You’ve done well on the oral portion of the exam.”
  • “I expect to see you in my office every week, Miss Corte.”
  • “Good girls don’t come without permission.”
  • “While you’re coming, say I’m a good girl! over and over.”

indy student s

And here are some things the Student can do or say:

  • Dress demure or slutty, depending on how you want to play the Student. Wear a dress or skirt.
  • Act worried, reluctant, and desperate. You need to pass this class, but what will it take?
  • Say “sir” or “Professor” in every sentence. He is handsome and powerful. You respect him and need his approval.
  • If you and your spouse are comfortable with it, you can protest and refuse the Professor’s insinuations and demands until he uses his power to coerce you into submission. It’s up to you both how far you want to go with this kind of power play, and you should probably discuss it beforehand and potentially use a safe word so that no one’s boundaries are crossed.
  • “Why did you want to see me, sir?”
  • “I really need to pass this class, Professor.” — Be desperate, flash your eyes, look worried.
  • “If I don’t pass, my parents will kill me, Professor!” — Be scared of the consequences.
  • “But then I might not graduate, sir.”
  • “I always try my hardest, sir.” — You really want to pass. This poor performance isn’t like you at all.
  • “What can I do to improve my grade, Professor?” — You see where this is going, but you’re reluctant.
  • “I couldn’t possibly do that, sir!” — Protest! Refuse!
  • “But I’m a good girl!” — You can’t trade your virtue for a grade… can you?
  • “Yes, professor, I’ll do whatever it takes.” — What choice do you have?
  • “I’m sorry I cheated, Professor. I want to earn back your trust.” — Submission.
  • “Thank you for correcting me, sir.”
  • “Yes sir, I’ll be your best student!”
  • “What else can I do, sir?” — You want to please him, you want to prove yourself to him.
  • “I’m a good girl, sir! I’m a good girl!”

Afterwards, break the scene and leave your roles. The game is over (for now), so go back to being your normal selves. Have a good cuddle. Talk about your favorite parts of the scene, and stay positive. Later on, after the glow wears off, discuss anything you didn’t like and wouldn’t choose to do again. If your spouse really liked some element that wasn’t your favorite, negotiate and compromise and find the common ground that works for your marriage.

Have you ever role-played as professor-and-student with your spouse? How do you play it? Leave a comment!

We’ve been drawing an activity from our adult advent calendar every morning this month, and yesterday we drew one of Sexy Corte’s ideas: “pirates and poetry”. It’s exactly what it sounds like: we dressed up like sexy pirates, read poetry, and played with each other before having sex. SC put eyeliner on me, and I basically looked like this:

hook-s

(Update: SC says I was handsomer.)

Sexy Corte dressed as a sexy pirate wench in a red corset, stockings, a white peasant skirt… and that’s it. Super hot.

It’s important to draw the advent activity in the morning (instead of evening) for two reasons:

  1. Sexual energy builds up when you know what’s coming.
  2. You have time to prepare!

So yesterday at lunch I wrote a bawdy pirate sonnet. Feel free to read it to your spouse — see if it makes her blush!

Pirate captains are not romantic rogues,
Despite the stories on screens big and small.
They pill’ge and plunder everywhere they go,
D’spoiling booty in every port of call.

Many wenches yearn for salty sea-men,
With shining eyes and flirty p’laver frank.
But wenches’ mouths have nobl’r pirate function:
Walking with her lips his engor’ged plank.

Yet his heart may soften as he oft’ moors,
Nigh well-plumbed depths ’round the vicinity
f’Hidden grotto, warm and wet, his hoard,
Where sinks his laden ship repeatedly.

Where a hardened pirate seeks deepest rest,
And buries little pirates in her treasure chest.

Why is sex so good? Kinda like asking, “why is water wet?” But still, if we understand what makes sex good then maybe we can make it even better!

One of the main questions in life is: Why is sex so good? According to a new review paper, it’s because sex — like dance, yoga, and other body-based pleasures — is rhythmic, and that rhythm has a way of uniting and heightening the senses.

Authored by Northwestern University researcher Adam Safron and published in Socioaffective Neuroscience and Psychology, the paper argues that intercourse can be such a magical experience because of “entrainment,” which is a fancy way of saying that it gets your brain, sensory, and bodily systems all rowing in the same sexy direction. What happens in the run-up to orgasm, he argues, is what goes on in most ecstatic experiences (consider how a “beat drops” in your favorite new disco anthem). Rhythmic perception and action lead you to attend more to the stimuli that’s turning you on, leading to greater enjoyment, and greater attendance, making for “further enhancing entrainment, thus creating a positive feedback cycle of deepening sexual absorption,” he writes.

It’s not enough to call this increased arousal or pleasure: A better way to understand the way people can lose their sense of selves during the act of sex is with trance, the same way that you might feel a sense of absorption on a particularly good night of dancing, a particularly strenuous yoga session, a particularly deep meditation, or a particularly satisfying run. “Intensely focusing on immediate sensations — such as those produced by rhythmic stimulation — is likely to reduce the amount of mental capacity available for other things,” Safron writes, like ruminative self-narratives, wondering about what could have been, or generally having your mind someplace other than where you currently are. “Such an experience of sensate focusing and altered self-processing may be most appropriately referred to as a kind of trance state,” he writes. “If this trance occurs in the context of another individual who is similarly absorbed, then it could potentially contribute to feelings of connectedness along with the expansion of self-other boundaries.”

bolded the part that jumped out at me, and it matches my experience. Sex is best when you are “intensely focusing on immediate sensations” — which is closely related to our posts about the importance of enthusiasm and responsiveness. There’s a feedback loop: in order to have great sex you need to pull your mind away from the mundane considerations of life, and the act of pulling away is self-reinforcing, leading to enhanced focus and even better sex!

So how can you use this information to improve sex with your spouse? In addition to the posts I’ve linked to above, here are a few ways you can focus more intensely during sex:

  • Sight. Get rid of visual distractions. Unless you’re just playing around you should turn off the television, put away your phones, and lock your door. Focus your eyes and attention on your spouse. You can dim the lights, maintain eye contact, or even wear a blindfold for some power play. Wear something sexy. Do a danceKeep your bedroom orderly and comfortable to avoid seeing your surroundings as a to-do list while you’re having sex.
  • Sound. Put on some sensual music, something with a beat! Like the article says above, a good rhythm helps synchronize your bodies and senses. Turn off the baby monitors, silence your phones. Replace the batteries in the #&%&(#@% smoke detector. In my post about sexual responsiveness I talk about how important it is to use words and sounds during sex, so go read that whole post. Moan and groan, cry out, say your spouse’s name, beg for an orgasm.
  • Smell and taste. Using food in your sexy time can be fun, but it may also be a distraction.  If you want to focus intensely on the sexual experience, engage with the taste and smell of your spouse. Bury your face in your spouse’s hair or neck. Kiss deeply. Lick your spouse all over. Use oral sex not only to stimulate your spouse, but also to engage your own senses! During oral sex the attention is usually on the receiver, but try flipping that around: when you’re giving oral sex, focus on absorbing all the sensations that come from being close to your spouse’s sexuality. (Husbands especially: hygiene is important if you want your wife to enjoy your taste and smell.)
  • Touch. Sex obviously involves a lot of touching, but the touching can often be very goal-oriented: orgasm. However, sex with your spouse isn’t (usually) a race — you can focus your sense of touch more intensely if you just slow down. Revel in touching and being touched all over your bodies. An average human has twenty square feet of skin, so don’t just use your fingers: lips and tongues are obvious, but you can touch anything to anything else. (Check out Body Part Twister for some ideas (automated spinner).) Touch, tickle, massage, tease, and you can learn to build your spouse up to some huge orgasms.
  • Restraint. One of the reasons that light bondage is fun is that the person being restrained (the receiver) is free to focus completely on his or her sensations. While restrained, the receiver doesn’t need to think about giving pleasure, only receiving it. Being tied up is permission to be the center of attention, even your own attention. The receiver doesn’t have to do anything, just be.
  • Trust and vulnerability. In order to really lose yourself in a sexual experience you have to trust your spouse enough to let yourself be vulnerable. Your relationship needs to be past the point where you worry about looking right, acting right, or moving right. If you’re worried about impressing or disappointing your spouse, or being awkward, you’re not going to be able to focus on your senses. You each need to be comfortable with your own bodies and sexuality, and you need to respect and cherish each other.

“Losing yourself” doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but I think we can take some intentional steps to eliminate distractions during sex and really focus on the sensations we’re creating with our spouses. If you have any tips to share, please leave a comment!

I love coffee and oral sex, but until now I hadn’t thought of combining them! We’ve written before about one kind of bifecta (television and casual oral sex) and here’s another: Café Fellatio.

A bar set to open in Geneva, Switzerland, later this year will have the most-bizarre offering. It will offer its customers oral sex and coffee, albeit at a high price. Customers will have to shell out a lot more than an average brew to enjoy the cuppa, and at the same time get comfortable at the cafe’s bar. It is believed that customers will be charged £42 (AU$80) for the combo. An additional AU$7 will be charged as surplus for the drink.

Obviously this idea is exploitative and immoral as a business, but it sounds like a fun treat to enjoy with your spouse!