Sexy Corte and I are fans of Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages”. We first read the book when we were engaged, and we’ve frequently discussed the ideas in the book in the years since. We’ve gotten a lot of value from the concept of love languages both in our marriage and as we’ve been raising our children.

For those who aren’t familiar with the idea, it’s basically this: each person has a primary love language that they use to both give and receive love. If you learn a person’s love language, you’ll be better able to show him your love and recognize when he is showing love to you. We can learn to give and receive love in languages other than our primary language, if we put some effort into it. The give love languages that Chapman identifies are:

  • Words of affirmation.
  • Acts of service.
  • Receiving gifts.
  • Physical touch. (Not primarily sexual.)
  • Quality time.

(Side note: your love language is also probably the language you use to hurt someone else, and it’s the language that can hurt you the most. This is especially important to recognize when dealing with your spouse and children.)

So what does this have to do with sex? If you want to please your spouse sexually, do it in her love language! This is probably most applicable during foreplay, but the major themes can be carried through a whole sexual encounter. If you want to turn your spouse on in her love language, here are some ideas.

  • Words of affirmation. Talk dirty to her. Tell her how much you love her and want her. Tell her how sexy she is and what you want to do with her body. Tell him how big his penis is, how you can’t wait to feel it inside you. Tell him how your body quivers when he touches you. Pass him secret messages all day to build anticipation for the night. Use words to build up your spouse and communicate your passion and desire.
  • Acts of service. Ask your husband how he wants to make love tonight — tell him you’re up for anything. Tell him your body is his, he just has to take it. Offer him his favorite activity without being asked. Tell your wife that you want to focus on her pleasure tonight. Ask her how she wants to warm up and how she wants to orgasm. Add some sexuality to otherwise mundane acts of service, like a topless haircut. Let your spouse know that you want to use your body for their pleasure — how can I please you?
  • Receiving gifts. Give your wife a sneak peak of the new toy that just came in the mail. Tell your husband that you bought him a present — and you’re already wearing it under your clothes. Surprise your spouse with a sexy picture of yourself or a new lovemaking music mix. Give your husband the remote control for your vibrator when you arrive at the restaurant. Give your spouse something erotic that tells them you’ve been thinking of them.
  • Physical touch. Give your wife a massage — start clothed and gradually improve the situation. Take a bath or shower together and wash each other. Rub your hips against your husband as you kiss him when he gets home from work. Sit on his lap and spread your legs, take his hand and put it on your inner thigh. When you can tell he’s getting turned on, rub his erection through his pants and smile. Grab your wife by the hips when you kiss her.  Touch her hair, neck, lower back, and hip bones. Slip your fingers under her clothes. Spank her butt when she walks by. Hold hands. Make out. Let your hands linger a little longer than usual.
  • Quality time. This one may be the easiest, because you can do any of the things above and invest time to make it an activity with your spouse. Be alone together in your sex room. Make time to have sex in different places, and different ways. Plan an elaborate sex scenario. Do some edging.Tell your wife a sexy story. Play with your husband while you watch TV. Play a sex game together. The important thing is to set aside all your other responsibilities and give your spouse your devoted time and attention.

As you read through this list, if one of the bullets really hit home with you and you thought “yes, this is exactly what I want my spouse to do!”, then tell your spouse! It’s also important to recognize that your spouse’s love language will probably be different than your own. Discover what language your spouse uses, and then make an effort to show love in that language. Our natural inclination is to show love in our language, but then we get frustrated when our spouse doesn’t appreciate it as much as we think they should.

For a recent special occasion Sexy Corte wore some amazing lingerie while she prepared a fantastic steak dinner, and it was about the hottest thing ever. My love language is acts of service; SC always takes great care of me, but there was something super-erotic about watching her perform a mundane, domestic task like cooking while wearing her come-f-me garter belt and teasing me relentlessly.

If you take the time to learn your spouse’s primary love language you’ll be surprised at how much it helps your communication, and your sex life. What about you? How do you and your spouse use your love languages to enhance your sex life? Leave a comment!

When you were reading Shakespeare in high school you may not have enjoyed it to the fullest extent if your teacher didn’t explain the Bard’s sexual wordplay. It seems that many people find Shakespeare to be dull, but his writing is edgy and sexual in a subtle way that rewards deeper examination.

La petite morte is French for “the little death”, and the phrase has been a common idiom for orgasm and sexual ecstasy since at least the early 17th century. To “die” is to climax, and understanding this single metaphor leads to a new level of appreciation for Shakespeare’s highly sexual scenes. Let’s look at a few examples from Romeo and Juliet — this is by no means exhaustive… the whole play is full of sexual wordplay.

Juliet in Act III, Scene II, waiting in eagerly for Romeo’s arrival that night:

Come, night; come, Romeo; come, thou day in night;
For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night
Whiter than new snow on a raven’s back.
Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-brow’d night,
Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.

Romeo in Act III, Scene V, insisting that he must leave Juliet because the sun is rising:

It was the lark, the herald of the morn,
No nightingale: look, love, what envious streaks
Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east:
Night’s candles are burnt out, and jocund day
Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.
I must be gone and live, or stay and die.

“Stay and die” both literally — discovered by Capulet — and figuratively.

Capulet in Act IV, Scene V, upon discovering his daughter Juliet’s body on the morning of her wedding to her fiance Paris:

FRIAR LAURENCE
Come, is the bride ready to go to church?

CAPULET
Ready to go, but never to return.
O son! the night before thy wedding-day
Hath Death lain with thy wife. There she lies,
Flower as she was, deflowered by him.
Death is my son-in-law, Death is my heir;
My daughter he hath wedded: I will die,
And leave him all; life, living, all is Death’s.

Again, death has taken Juliet, both literally and figuratively. (Though at this point Juliet is only unconscious from a sleeping potion.)

Finally, the climactic scene in which Romeo and Juliet take their own lives, each believing the other to be already dead. Romeo drinks poison from a chalice (a symbol of female sexuality) and Juliet stabs herself with Romeo’s knife (a symbol of male sexuality). Act V, Scene III, Romeo kisses the chalice:

Here’s to my love!
Drinks

O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
Dies

And Juliet, upon discovering Romeo’s body:

O happy dagger!
Snatching ROMEO’s dagger

This is thy sheath;
Stabs herself

there rust, and let me die.
Falls on ROMEO’s body, and dies

It sure beats sparkly vampires. Do you have any sexual literature to share?

I have been reading through the book “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman. It has been a great read! If you decide to read it, I do recommend reading certain chapters before having sex because some of them are sure to get you in the mood. Dr. Leman has a great chapter on Sexual IQ. He describes your sexual IQ, not as how much you know about sex, but about how much you know about your spouse’s sexual preferences. He has a list of questions (see below) that I think is important for a married couple to know about each other. El Fury and I went through each question and guessed each other’s answers before sharing our own. It was interesting to see how our answers matched, or what we could learn about each other. We already have really open communication about our sex life, so this exercise was really fun! If you don’t have good communication about sex, this is a great ice breaker that gives you an opportunity to learn and share. I was pleased that El Fury and I have a high sexual IQ. Here is the list:

1. Does your spouse prefer candlelight, total darkness, mood lights, colored lights, or complete white light during sex? Does she or he like to experiment with light? If so, when, and in what mood?

2. Does your spouse like any particular smells during sex? Does she enjoy candles? If so, what fragrance? Does he appreciate any special perfume?

3. What is your spouse’s favorite time of the day to engage in sexual relations? Do you ever make room in your schedule to accommodate this time?

4. Does your spouse like you to talk during sex? Make more noise during sex? Does he or she want you to talk more before you have sex? Would she or he prefer that you start praying before or after sex on occasion?

5. Does your wife have a favorite massage lotion? Does she like the lotion heated, or straight out of the bottle?

6. Does your spouse like to have fun during sex, or is he or she more serious?

7. What are your spouse’s three favorite places to be touched? Kissed?

8. What position is your spouse’s favorite?

9. What is one sexual practice your spouse would really like to try that the two of you haven’t done yet?

10. What is your spouse’s favorite sexual fantasy?

11. What turns off your spouse quicker than anything else?

I’m sure there are a lot of other questions you can add to this!For example, on number 10, we also talked about our favorite sexual memory. You should always be a student of your spouse, and that includes learning more about them sexually.

As I’ve perused the marriage blogosphere it’s clear that the female orgasm is one of the most prominent themes: ever-elusive; mysterious; husbands desperate to please their wives; distraught wives who just can’t seem to get there; frequent frustration. It’s easy for husbands to have orgasms, but it’s very common for wives to have a harder time achieving sexual satisfaction. To that end, I want to recommend “Satisfaction”.

The book is about “the art of the female orgasm”, and there’s a solid focus on the loving relationship between the couple. Aside from the expected advice to communicate and develop intimacy with your spouse, the book reads almost like an instruction manual for the female body — and that’s exactly the approach I was looking for when I bought it. I found the book to be extremely educational. It’s laser-focused on its single target: “helping a man fully satisfy a woman” — without toys. The philosophy of the book is that “every man can be an artist” when it comes to the female orgasm. It’s not that toys aren’t fun or handy, but the book intends to teach the reader how to please a woman with his own body.

Topics covered include:

  • Basic anatomy, the clitoris, the g-spot
  • Oral stimulation
  • Using your fingers
  • Anal stimulation
  • Vagina-to-mouth
  • Multiple orgasms
  • A few simple medical issues (including premature ejaculation and the use of Viagra)
  • Various communication topics
  • Hygiene

The book has no photographs in it whatsoever, but there are abundant diagrams and drawings that depict the referenced acts and body parts. The drawings are clinical in nature, but if you have a strong desire to avoid any depictions of nudity then this book is not for you. The diagrams are all helpful rather than titillating, and are essential for explaining some of the more esoteric movements and positions. If only for the diagrams, this book is better than searching the internet for information. Any internet searches are bound to lead you to pornography.

It’s also worth pointing out that the book is not written from a Christian/marriage perspective, but that won’t hinder your application of its techniques.

“Satisfaction” probably has something to teach everyone, and with the caveats above I strongly recommend it to anyone who loves female orgasms. Specifically, the book might be an excellent gift for newlyweds. Brides receive a plethora of gifts at their bridal showers, but “Satisfaction” might be the perfect gift for the groom who wants to please his new wife and has remained chaste until his wedding.

What resources have you used to learn about sex? Have you read any good books?

I just read the book Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy In Love How-To Manual by Dr. David Clarke. In it he asks a question about “the source of passion in marriage?” The answer is God! God created marriage and even created sex. He wants us to have passion in our marriages! Clarke gives four “passion principles” for spouses to keep God at the center of their marriage.

  1. Come to Christ – Knowing Jesus is the most important thing a person can do. You need Christ as your foundation in order to be able to share him as a couple.
  2. Share Your Personal Spiritual Growth – Talk about what God is doing in your life. Ask each other what you are learning, how you are growing. Read scripture and discuss it. Your spouse should be your best accountability partner.
  3. Pray Together – And not just at meal times. Hold hands and pray out loud. Pray for each other. El Fury always asks me before we go to bed how he can pray for me. It’s such a blessing to know that I always have someone praying for me.
  4. Read the Bible Together – Reading Scripture and discussing it together is an amazing experience. I learn a lot from El Fury. And when we don’t know the answer to something, it’s fun to look it up together.

To have a spiritual bond is incredibly intimate. This is how God designed marriage. Closeness with Him leads to closeness with each other, which means more passion! Passion is what fuels the fire of great sex and great intimacy.

I think Clarke’s Passion Principles are really refreshing compared to a lot of marriage books I have read. Rather than relying on methodology on how to communicate better, resolve conflict, etc. he cuts to the core of your relationship. More Christ. God desires to be intimate with you and your marriage.