Here’s a fun game that Sexy Corte and I came up with: Sexy Jenga! (Here’s how our game went when we played.)

Setup: Write the numbers 1-48 on the wooden blocks of your Jenga set. Print out the list below and perform the indicated activity when you pull the block with each number. Each activity should be performed for about one minute, and the game is over when the tower falls or you can’t avoid having sex.

  1. Distract your spouse with your hands while they draw their next piece.
  2. Distract your spouse with your mouth while they draw their next piece.
  3. Distract your spouse visually while they draw their next piece.
  4. Distract your spouse by footsie while they draw their next piece.
  5. Remove an article of your clothing. If naked, play with yourself.
  6. Remove an article of your clothing. If naked, play with yourself.
  7. Remove an article of your clothing. If naked, play with yourself.
  8. Remove an article of your spouse’s clothing. If naked, your spouse plays with themself.
  9. Remove an article of your spouse’s clothing. If naked, your spouse plays with themself.
  10. Remove an article of your spouse’s clothing. If naked, your spouse plays with themself.
  11. Lap dance
  12. Make out, focus on breasts
  13. Make out, focus on butt
  14. Make out, focus on husband’s body
  15. Lick/suck your spouse wherever they like, focus on using your lips
  16. Lick/suck your spouse wherever they like, focus on using your tongue
  17. Lick/suck your spouse wherever they like, focus on kissing
  18. Perform a sexy massage
  19. Spank your spouse. Tell them how they were naughty.
  20. Receive a spanking from your spouse. Confess how you were naughty.
  21. Rub your fingertips over your spouse’s exposed skin
  22. Tell your spouse a sexy story
  23. Slow dance to a song of your choice
  24. Sexy dance for your spouse to a song of their choice
  25. Serenade your spouse
  26. Put your fingers wherever you want
  27. Put your spouse’s fingers wherever you want
  28. Put your mouth wherever you want
  29. Put your spouse’s mouth wherever you want
  30. Describe a sexual fantasy
  31. Turn off the lights and grope each other
  32. Fake an orgasm
  33. Draw your spouse in the nude
  34. Take off your clothes as quickly as possible
  35. Take off your spouse’s clothes as quickly as possible
  36. Hold your hands behind your back while your spouse ravishes you
  37. Kiss and lick your spouse’s neck
  38. Kiss and lick your spouse’s inner leg, as high up as is currently bared
  39. Tease your spouse, make them beg for more
  40. Each spouse: pick a part of your spouse’s body and write a couplet about it
  41. Pick a toy or prop for your post-game lovemaking
  42. Role-play: pick up your spouse at a party
  43. Role-play: you’re a photographer; pose your spouse and take pictures
  44. Role-play: your spouse is your professor and you’re going to fail the class if you don’t change their mind
  45. Role-play: your spouse is a cop and you really don’t want to get another speeding ticket
  46. Game: Sexy staring contest
  47. Game: Blindfold yourself and catch your spouse (Marco Polo)
  48. Game: Sexy thumb wrestling, use your free hand to distract by any means

Winning: winner decides how to start having sex.

Repetition: some pieces of wood are larger than others, so if you seem to get the same activities every time you play you can just add 1 to your numbers.

The Generous Husband writes: great sex only comes from frequent sex.

Anything more than good sex requires a solid relationship, with trust, love, and real knowledge of each other. It requires time and effort. Incredible sex requires more of the same – probably several years. Really mind blowing sex may take a decade or more, depending on how much baggage you each have and how dedicated you each are to having a deep and intimate relationship.

Beyond trust, knowing, and a real connection, great sex only happens as part of frequent sex. It is like anything else from bowling to dance – you can enjoy doing it on occasion, but to be good at it you have to do it over, and over, and over.

Over and over and over with the same person, of course. Multiple studies show that married people have more and better sex than single people. (Of course the linked-to article tries to put a negative spin on the positve results, but hey.)

“Studies have found that married people have more sex than single people, and they also have more varied sex,” says sexual health expert and best-selling author Dr. Laura Berman, who hosts “In The Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman” on OWN. ”Oral sex is also more common among married people.”

One of the most comprehensive studies on the subject, which was released in 2010 by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, confirmed this, compiling statistics on sexual attitudes and habits of 5,865 people between ages 14 and 94. An average of 61 percent of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18 percent of married people. Looking specifically at those between the ages of 25 and 59, 25 percent of married people reported that they were still having sex two to three times per week versus less than five percent of singles.

The negatives in the article are basically a twisted explanation of the investment that a good marriage requires. Marriage creates a potential: if that potential is nurtured and cherished it will grow into an amazing relationship; if the potential is neglected and abused it will whither into a dried-up husk. (But apparently you’ll still be having more sex than your single friends.)

Since we’re writing to married people here, the point is simple: if you want better sex, have more sex.

Gerad exhorts husbands specifically: “life” is a marriage killer. He writes:

Your marriage goes from “the two of us are the priority”, to “now that we have kids, we can’t be the priority right now”. And you might even convince yourselves that “it’s only for a little while”, or “when the kids are gone, we’ll pick up where we left off!”, but it’s not, and you won’t.

When all that “life stuff” starts taking over the priorities, you and your wife start what I call a“slow drift” apart from each other. Slowly but surely, “life” starts to sit in between you and your wife, and before you know it, you realize that you haven’t had sex in two weeks, and you’re crabby with each other, but you don’t really remember why, and the kids are acting out, because they’ve noticed something’s up with mom and dad, and life just seems miserable.Ever been there? I know we sure have. And you know what the cause is? Life. Plain, simple, boring, LIFE.

Like many problems, it’s a matter of priorities. Everything in life seems so important, but for the most part that’s a delusion. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the life of John the Baptist. He only lived about 30 years. What do we know of him from the Bible? He lived in the wilderness, baptized a bunch of people (including Jesus), and got executed by Herod. Those are the only aspects of his life that were important enough to God to write in Bible. And what does Jesus say about John? “Truly, I say to you, among those born of women there has arisen no one greater than John the Baptist.”

Having sex with your wife is the most important thing you’ll do most days. Make it a priority. Your kids, your job, your lawn, your hobbies… they’ll still be there after you’ve given her an amazing orgasm. Do it today.

When we got married I surprised Sexy Corte with a set of Liberator wedge pillows (which were, at the time, on sale at Amazon). I think she was skeptical at first, but in the years since we’ve gotten a lot of use out of them. If I could introduce any couple to one new toy, it would be these pillows. (Assuming they already have an egg vibrator. Hopefully SC will post about those soon.)

The primary use of the wedges is for positioning. They’re firm and have a velvety texture so they grip against your bed and each other, which means you can set them up in limitless configurations to position your bodies at all sorts of different heights and angles. (The pillows came with a booklet of suggested positions; you can find it on the site above, but it has nudity so I’m not linking it.) They’re great for laying on, bending over, leaning on, or sitting against. We’ve even turned the big one on it’s side and used it to support SC’s legs so they don’t flail in the air when she’s laying on the edge of the bed.

You’ll notice that we bought the “black label” edition of the wedges which come with handy attach points for clip-on cuffs. We don’t use the cuffs as often as the pillows themselves, but occasionally I have a blast cuffing SC down and teasing her for a while. Not to brag, but our record is seven orgasms for her in 45 minutes. So, husbands, if you want to give your wife a ton of orgasms till she almost passes out and begs you to stop you might want to check these out. (I should get a commission.)

(Click here to read the whole Sex in Song of Solomon series.)

I’m going to do a series on the sexual passages of the book Song of Solomon (which, if you didn’t know, is in the Bible). This post is about chapter 1. The book is commonly understood as a celebration of marital/sexual love and it contains a lot of rather graphic imagery. It’s an especially important book because it’s very sex-positive and provides a powerful illustration of the joy God takes in the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife.

The book is written in the form of a dialogue between  the Lover and his Beloved, with occasionally interjections from the wife’s Friends. The language is dominated by agricultural metaphors that can make the book difficult to understand for modern readers who aren’t familiar with the context (which certainly includes me). I’m going to do my best to untangle the imagery, but some of it is guesswork.

The couple is not yet married at the beginning of the story and are fantasizing about each other. The book begins with the Beloved initiating sex rather explicitly.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
    for your love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
    your name is like perfume poured out.
    No wonder the young women love you!
Take me away with you—let us hurry!
    Let the king bring me into his chambers.

Nothing ambiguous there. Note especially the “let us hurry!” This woman needs some action. The Beloved continues:

Do not stare at me because I am dark,
    because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother’s sons were angry with me
    and made me take care of the vineyards;
    my own vineyard I had to neglect.
Tell me, you whom I love,
    where you graze your flock
    and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be like a veiled woman
    beside the flocks of your friends?

She works hard and takes care of her family, but her own needs have been neglected. The Beloved wants to find her Lover — why should she wander around like a prostitute (“like a veiled woman”) searching for him among the flocks?

Her Lover replies:

I liken you, my darling, to a mare
    among Pharaoh’s chariot horses.
Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings,
    your neck with strings of jewels.
We will make you earrings of gold,
    studded with silver.

The “mare among stallions” imagery is pretty hot. We read above that the young women adore the Lover, and the Beloved is no less in demand. The Lover will array his Beloved in jewels befitting her beauty.  (Some have interpreted these jewels to be the Lover’s semen shot onto his Beloved, but that may be a stretch.) When the Beloved replies she again turns the conversation to sex.

While the king was at his table,
    my perfume spread its fragrance.
My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh
    resting between my breasts.
My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
    from the vineyards of En Gedi.

These three verses focus on the fragrances of the Beloved and her Lover. While the Beloved is spreading her… fragrance… her Lover is feasting. Her Lover is a packet of perfume (“csachet of myrrh) between her breasts. Women commonly used henna as a beauty product (as a component of make-up or hair coloring), and her Lover makes the Beloved feel beautiful.

The Lovers go on to praise each other:

Lover

How beautiful you are, my darling!
    Oh, how beautiful!
    Your eyes are doves.

Beloved

How handsome you are, my beloved!
    Oh, how charming!
    And our bed is verdant.

“Verdant” is “green with vegetation; covered with growing plants or grass” — but figuratively: alive and fruitful. The Lovers’ marriage bed is full of primal, natural life. This is a joyous picture that always makes me smile.

The Lover closes the chapter with a metaphor that must transcend the ages.

The beams of our house are cedars;
    our rafters are firs.

That’s a lot of wood. Beams and rafters create a rather girthy image in my mind, but given the intimacy of the moment I suppose we’ll excuse the Lover if he brags a little.

The chapter break isn’t fluid here, so let’s finish this post with the first two verses of chapter 2.

She

I am a rose of Sharon,
    a lily of the valleys.

He

Like a lily among thorns
    is my darling among the young women.

If wood is the ancient metaphor for the penis, its equivalent for the female is the flower. The Lover’s member is a massive cedar, and his Beloved’s girly bits are a beautiful lily — compared to her, the other young women are thorns and thistles.

In Seinfeld George Costanza decides to improve his sex life by adding food and television, creating “the Trifecta”. Hilarity ensues:

However, George’s girlfriend becomes displeased upon discovering him eating a pastrami sandwich while watching a portable TV during foreplay. This later creates problems for George, as he cannot eat anything without becoming aroused.

George was on to something, but apparently he didn’t have the skill or prowess to execute successfully. Lucky for you, Sexy Corte and I have tried all three versions of the Bifecta and I’m here to report the results!

Food and television: A great combination, but we recommend it for snacks rather than a major meal. We prefer to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the table as a family. However, after the kids go to sleep you might catch me and SC on the couch with some wine and ice cream.

Food and sex: Another winner! George’s major mistake was failing to bring his woman in on his food-play. Sexy Corte and I have gone through numerous cans of whipped cream on each other, and it’s probably our favorite sex food. It is fun to spray, cleans up easily, and doesn’t stain. The texture and temperature are great. Chocolate sauce other other sweets can be enjoyable, but so far we haven’t found anything as good as whipped cream. Are there any other foods we’re missing out on? (I don’t think we’re going to attempt to incorporate a pastrami sandwich.)

Sex and television: We’ve had mixed results. Normally what this Bifecta means to us is that one of us starts twiddling with the other after we’ve finished our ice cream. I personally love watching television while SC plays with me, but when the roles are reversed she gets very antsy and frustrated. Usually we end up pausing the show and having sex, which is why I say the results are mixed. Since we don’t want to watch porn together, are there any shows or movies that would particularly lend themselves to viewing during sex?

The Trifecta: We’ve never attempted the Trifecta… the closest we’ve gotten was one time when SC started sucking me off while I finished my ice cream. Things escalated from there, but no food or television was involved. I’m not convinced that the Trifecta is worth perfecting.

What’s your experience? Do you have an alternate Trifecta we need to try?

Staying in a hotel is great! But less fun if you’re sharing a room with your kids. Fortunately if your kids are young you can still get in some adult activities after they fall asleep or in the middle of the night. Obviously you don’t want to disturb your precious little ones as they slumber, but you can’t be expected to keep your hands off each other for the whole trip, right?!

This isn’t rocket science, but here are a few tips for having sex while you’re sharing a hotel room with your kids.

  • Be quiet. Well duh. Bite your lips, and stifle your moans into your spouse’s neck.
  • Two queen beds. Obviously you don’t want to share a king bed with your kids while you’re getting it on.
  • Darkness is your friend. Turn off all the lights and close the curtains. Most hotel rooms can be made very dark, so do it. That way if the kids do hear something at least they won’t see anything.
  • Turn the temperature down as cold as possible. This keeps the fan going (to cover any noise you make) and it also keeps you comfortable while you’re writhing around under the covers.
  • Missionary position is good because you can do it under the covers and the movements required are pretty minimal. Girl-on-top positions will be much harder to conceal.
  • Or you can always do it in the shower with the door closed!

Unfortunately the need for stealth may make it hard for the wife to orgasm. Obviously this will depend on the woman, and if you have any tips for getting her off silently then please share them in the comments.

Not having been born with one myself, it took some time and experience for me to learn how to properly pleasure a clitoris — and I imagine most husbands are in the same boat. In fact, some surveys of women indicate that their husbands don’t really give their clits enough of the right attention. Hopefully this post will solve this problem for all couples everywhere for all time!

(The usual caveats apply: every woman is different, so when you use this advice make sure you continue to pay attention to what your own wife actually likes.)

First, here’s a diagram of the area in question.

clitoris

You’ll notice that the vagina itself is farther down. Lots of husbands want to focus on the vagina: that’s where it’s wet, warm, and receptive to penetration. The vagina is certainly a good place to spend some time during foreplay, especially to spread around some of her natural lubrication. However, for most women that’s not where the action is.

I’m sure that most men know where the clitoris is — as you can see in the diagram, it’s between your wife’s lips and north of the vagina. Once you’ve got her wet (from her own juices, your mouth, or some lube) I’m sure you’ve used your tongue and fingers in this area many times. However, what you may not have know is that her clitoris has a “hood” that’s very similar to a man’s foreskin.

The clitoris usually hides in her hood even when stimulated. This means that your best efforts are essentially being muffled by an extra layer of skin. Sure, this feels good… about as good as when she licks your shaft. Good, but not as good as when she sucks right on the head of your penis.

Fortunately you can pull back the hood and expose more of the clit. Sometimes you can do this just by pushing back and up along the top of the clit with your tongue or finger, and sort of slide into and under the hood to touch the clit directly. However, it can be most effective if you use the fingers of your other hand to gently pull back and up on the skin around the hood and thereby pull the hood back along with the other skin. You probably don’t want to pull on the hood itself, but pull it along with the surrounding skin. This can be tricky because the area should be pretty slick to ensure her comfort. (Her skin is more sensitive than the head of your penis… would you want rough, callused, dry fingers rubbing you there?)

When you’re successful you’ll see her clitoris emerge from her shelter, exposed and ready for pleasure. You may need to maintain the pulling/pressure on the surrounding skin to keep the hood drawn back and prevent the clitoris from retreating. With the clitoris herself you need to be extremely gentle — the nerve density is much higher than anywhere on the male body. Make sure she’s wet enough, from whatever source.

As for how to actually rub your wife’s clit, here are a few tips. It’s not exactly rocket science, so ask her what she likes!

  • Lick the alphabet. This time-worn advice has apparently been passed down generation by generation, and it means exactly what it says. Lick each letter of the alphabet across her clit.
  • Circular pattern. Dance around her clit in circles, reversing directly periodically. Use more of your finger than just the tip, because as you can see in the diagram above the clit is a line, not a point.
  • Up and down pattern. Slide the length of your finger (not just fingertip) up and down over her clit. This movement can also push the hood back on its own, but the downward stroke often puts it back in place.
  • Fingertip or tongue flicking. Flick her clit with the tip of your finger or tongue. It seems like this is mostly a teaser move and your wife will likely pull you in for more pressure.
  • Suck her clit. Take the whole area into your mouth and suck. This will often pull the clit out of her hiding place and expose her to your tongue, but you can use your hand as well if necessary. The suction will pull blood into the clit and make it more sensitive, just like when she sucks on you.
  • Two-finger slide. Place your index and middle fingers on either slide of her clit and squeeze, sliding up and down. You can also slide them down into her vagina periodically just to keep her guessing. The diagram above doesn’t show it, but the nerves in the clitoris are actually shaped like a wishbone and go down deeper into her body under the lips on each side, so the two-finger slide can help stimulate the full length.
  • No retreat. This can be tricky and you want to be careful not to hurt her, but once you have the hood pulled back from her clit you can gently pinch the hood above her clit to prevent her from retreating. This move will let you use a little more force on the clit herself without her being able to get away.
  • Curl your tongue. It depends on your genes, but if you can curl your tongue you can surround your wife’s clit on every side.
  • With penetration. If your wife is like mine, she’ll come a lot more easily with you inside her. Put your penis or fingers in her while you rub or lick, and find the depth that works best with what you’re doing on the outside. This is the adult version of rubbing your head and patting your stomach at the same time. See also: Zoom Technique.
  • Variation. In my experience it’s good to vary your technique and movements while your wife is warming up, but as she gets close to orgasm it’s best to stick with one pattern until she comes.

If you’ve got any tips to share please post them in the comments! I’m always eager to learn something new.

When I wrote about conjugal rights I mentioned that the term includes more than a right to sex:

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

So there’s more than the right to sexual relations, but sex is certainly an important component of conjugal rights. If sex with your spouse is an obligation, then some people have coined a term for when you force yourself to have sex when you aren’t really interested: “duty sex”. Ugh! And let’s be honest… it’s usually wives who are expected to have “duty sex” with their husbands.

Dan at Frankly Speaking has written a great series on this unappealing concept, with four posts so far. (That link takes you to part four, and it includes links to the first three parts.) No one wants “duty sex”, neither giver nor receiver, neither husband nor wife, so how do we grow past it? How do we fulfill our obligation to satisfy our partner without making everyone miserable?

Dan’s target audience is wives, but I’m sure there are plenty of instances in which the husband is the one losing interest. Let me whet your appetite with a brief excerpt:

What does a wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feel like?

She feels in touch with her sensuous nature; her sexuality. She feels as if she is waiting for your touch and will ignite when that happens. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels like an arched back, hips rising and pushing to meet you. She feels like her body is always seeking the best position, just the right angle; constantly in motion to maximize both of your pleasures. A wife who feels sexual pleasure enjoys the feel of differing textures against her body. She feels warm and wet in all the right places. She feels as if she would take all of you in her if it were possible. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels inviting toward and desirous of her husband’s attentions.  Her body feels as if it is swelling with anticipation in preparation for those attentions. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure shows her husband so by not only finding pleasure in her orgasms but in seeing her husband wear those orgasms like a badge on his chest.

This is good stuff, especially for wives who just don’t know what their husbands will respond to — and husbands who may not know how to express their desires. There’s a lot more, so go read the whole series.

Fulfilling our spouse sexually is an obligation, but it should not and need not be done grudgingly. Our obligation is more than allowing our bodies to be used as sexual props. We also need to engage mentally and emotionally with our spouse and to pour our whole selves into the sexual relationship. The result should look nothing like “duty sex”.

Bonnie Wallace has written a couple of posts with some reasons that husbands and wives don’t feel sexy. Some of them are physical/medical, but most of them are mental/emotional. Even some that appear to be physical are really mental/emotional. I won’t excerpt all the reasons, but they’re worth reading and Bonnie’s suggestions for addressing them are very constructive.

Rather than offering suggestions of my own, I’d like to share a couple of verses from the Bible. The first is part of a poem written by King David that beautifully describes the loving care God has invested into the creation of each of his children.

Psalm 139:13-18

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious concerning me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

God’s thoughts for each of his children are vast and precious. He has intricately woven each of us into exactly the wonderful form he intended.

The second passage is an exhortation for believers to present the members, the parts, of our bodies to God for his righteous use.

Romans 6:12-13

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.

We are commanded to discipline our minds and bodies and bring them into subjection to Christ. We must not only avoid sin, but go beyond that to present the parts of our bodies to God as instruments for righteousness. Included in this preparing and developing your mind and body for sexual relations with your spouse. There are many things your spouse can do to make you “feel sexy”, but the primary responsibility is yours. There are many things you can do to help your spouse feel sexy, but ultimately that responsibility belongs to your spouse and to God.

So if you don’t feel sexy, what should you do? Start with prayer. Ask God to reinvigorate your sex life with your spouse. Tell God that you want hot, frequent, satisfying sex with your spouse. Ask him to change you and your spouse to make it happen.

Second, confront any sin in your mind or body that is inhibiting you. Vanity over your imperfect looks? Gluttony? Lethargy? Contempt towards your spouse? Lust for other people? For husbands, a lack of love and sacrifice? A failure to lead spiritually? For wives, a lack of submission?

Finally, tell your spouse that you’re praying for your sex life and repenting of the sins that have held you back. Pick the right time for this conversation… don’t do it right after an unsatisfying sexual encounter. Don’t put the burden onto your spouse and say that you’re praying for them and their sin. When you bring it up, focus on God and what you’re asking him to do.

If your relationship with your spouse is in such dire condition that you don’t feel that you can have this conversation without it turning into a fight, then just don’t. God doesn’t need you to tell your spouse in order for him to work. Just start praying and confessing, and wait to see what God does.