When I wrote about conjugal rights I mentioned that the term includes more than a right to sex:

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

So there’s more than the right to sexual relations, but sex is certainly an important component of conjugal rights. If sex with your spouse is an obligation, then some people have coined a term for when you force yourself to have sex when you aren’t really interested: “duty sex”. Ugh! And let’s be honest… it’s usually wives who are expected to have “duty sex” with their husbands.

Dan at Frankly Speaking has written a great series on this unappealing concept, with four posts so far. (That link takes you to part four, and it includes links to the first three parts.) No one wants “duty sex”, neither giver nor receiver, neither husband nor wife, so how do we grow past it? How do we fulfill our obligation to satisfy our partner without making everyone miserable?

Dan’s target audience is wives, but I’m sure there are plenty of instances in which the husband is the one losing interest. Let me whet your appetite with a brief excerpt:

What does a wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feel like?

She feels in touch with her sensuous nature; her sexuality. She feels as if she is waiting for your touch and will ignite when that happens. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels like an arched back, hips rising and pushing to meet you. She feels like her body is always seeking the best position, just the right angle; constantly in motion to maximize both of your pleasures. A wife who feels sexual pleasure enjoys the feel of differing textures against her body. She feels warm and wet in all the right places. She feels as if she would take all of you in her if it were possible. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure feels inviting toward and desirous of her husband’s attentions.  Her body feels as if it is swelling with anticipation in preparation for those attentions. A wife who enjoys sexual pleasure shows her husband so by not only finding pleasure in her orgasms but in seeing her husband wear those orgasms like a badge on his chest.

This is good stuff, especially for wives who just don’t know what their husbands will respond to — and husbands who may not know how to express their desires. There’s a lot more, so go read the whole series.

Fulfilling our spouse sexually is an obligation, but it should not and need not be done grudgingly. Our obligation is more than allowing our bodies to be used as sexual props. We also need to engage mentally and emotionally with our spouse and to pour our whole selves into the sexual relationship. The result should look nothing like “duty sex”.

Bonnie Wallace has written a couple of posts with some reasons that husbands and wives don’t feel sexy. Some of them are physical/medical, but most of them are mental/emotional. Even some that appear to be physical are really mental/emotional. I won’t excerpt all the reasons, but they’re worth reading and Bonnie’s suggestions for addressing them are very constructive.

Rather than offering suggestions of my own, I’d like to share a couple of verses from the Bible. The first is part of a poem written by King David that beautifully describes the loving care God has invested into the creation of each of his children.

Psalm 139:13-18

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious concerning me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

God’s thoughts for each of his children are vast and precious. He has intricately woven each of us into exactly the wonderful form he intended.

The second passage is an exhortation for believers to present the members, the parts, of our bodies to God for his righteous use.

Romans 6:12-13

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.

We are commanded to discipline our minds and bodies and bring them into subjection to Christ. We must not only avoid sin, but go beyond that to present the parts of our bodies to God as instruments for righteousness. Included in this preparing and developing your mind and body for sexual relations with your spouse. There are many things your spouse can do to make you “feel sexy”, but the primary responsibility is yours. There are many things you can do to help your spouse feel sexy, but ultimately that responsibility belongs to your spouse and to God.

So if you don’t feel sexy, what should you do? Start with prayer. Ask God to reinvigorate your sex life with your spouse. Tell God that you want hot, frequent, satisfying sex with your spouse. Ask him to change you and your spouse to make it happen.

Second, confront any sin in your mind or body that is inhibiting you. Vanity over your imperfect looks? Gluttony? Lethargy? Contempt towards your spouse? Lust for other people? For husbands, a lack of love and sacrifice? A failure to lead spiritually? For wives, a lack of submission?

Finally, tell your spouse that you’re praying for your sex life and repenting of the sins that have held you back. Pick the right time for this conversation… don’t do it right after an unsatisfying sexual encounter. Don’t put the burden onto your spouse and say that you’re praying for them and their sin. When you bring it up, focus on God and what you’re asking him to do.

If your relationship with your spouse is in such dire condition that you don’t feel that you can have this conversation without it turning into a fight, then just don’t. God doesn’t need you to tell your spouse in order for him to work. Just start praying and confessing, and wait to see what God does.

Sexy Corte and I like to experiment and change things up, but like most couples we have some favorite positions that we use frequently. We call one of these Old Faithful because it very reliably leads to a powerful eruption.

The position is pretty simple: I lay on my back while Sexy Corte kneels over my body at a 90-degree angle with her legs spread. I play with her lady bits while she performs oral sex on me. I’ll use my fingers to play all around outside and inside her body (see: Zoom Technique) to the point that she usually loses focus and forgets what she’s supposed to be doing.

Old Faithful can be carried to completion and it’s one of the best positions for getting Sexy Corte off with my fingers. Sometimes she has a hard time reaching orgasm if I’m not inside her, and Old Faithful makes this possible. From my perspective, there’s almost nothing hotter than my wife having a powerful orgasm with me in her mouth.

After Sexy Corte comes she can either finish me off with Old Faithful, or we can transition to a different position. As you know, there are many positions that are lots of fun but aren’t that stimulating for a woman, so Old Faithful is great as a starter to make sure that Sexy Corte is always satisfied.

Similarly, sometimes we use Old Faithful purely as foreplay and transition before either of us reaches orgasm. Once we’re warmed up we’ll frequently move to “The Usual”, which is a subject for a later post.

Also see: “New Faithful” for a variation that doesn’t make the wife do all the work.

J. Parker writes about what dads teach their daughters about intimacy and it’s a great read. Since this is a blog more about sex than family, let me specifically focus on this paragraph:

Fathers can also overtly teach their daughters what men are like in the sexual arena — how a man’s mind works, what he pays attention to, how he struggles with lust, how he desires a deep connection, how sex is related to that feeling of connection. Dads have the opportunity to arm their daughters with knowledge and wisdom based on their own experiences. They can help their girls navigate the minefields of dating and courtship and then be the kind of girlfriend and wife a godly man needs.

Obviously there are limits to what you can tell your kids about sex, but most parents err on the side of silence. Your kids will learn about every position, every kind of sex toy, every sexual act. Kids have always shared this “illicit” knowledge among themselves, and now there’s the internet to fill in the blanks. Of course, everything they learn from these sources will be slanted by worldly values, full of error, and provocatively lustful.

As a parent, you should get ahead of the situation. You can be the source for sexual information for your kids, and you should instruct them with Godly, Biblical wisdom and experience. Developing this kind of open, trusting relationship with your kids takes time and energy, along with a willingness to  broach difficult subjects and share personal stories. These things aren’t easy, but teenagers really are hungry for information and as an adult, you’ve got it — if you can surmount your embarrassment and share it.

Nothing heightens sexual arousal like danger — that’s why the hero and heroine fall into a passionate embrace after saving the world and vanquishing the villain. Even though you may not have many opportunities to save your spouse’s life, or the world, you can introduce a little risk to your sexy time by getting into it in public places. I’ve written about car sex already, but let’s be a little more adventurous. First we’ll talk about locations, and then we’ll talk a little about technique.

  • Wilderness areas are a great place to have sex in public. Forests, mountains, hills, copses of trees, and even piles of rocks can provide a little privacy right off a trail. Near-wilderness areas can be particularly exciting if you can hear other hikers walking by while you’re in flagrante delicto. You’ll want to find a spot that gives you good visibility towards the more-traveled areas around you, so that if you’re surprised it will be at a distance. I like bending Sexy Corte over a fallen log or rock facing the trail, that way we can see if anyone starts heading towards us.
  • Speaking of distance, just staying far away from people can be protection enough. Balconies, decks, rooftops, hilltops, cliffs, and other perches can give you enough separation from the public that you can see them and they can see you, but they can’t see what you’re doing. Your own backyard may even have a suitable spot. If your neighbors figure it out they’ll be jealous.
  • Sexy Corte and I have a bit of a thing for ruins and castles (hence the banner above). Whenever we find ourselves somewhere old we’re likely to look around for a place to play. When one of us is thinking about having sex wherever we’re at, he or she will make a comment about how “old” the place looks. Lots of touristy places are lightly attended and full of hiding spots.
  • “Family” restrooms are easy places to get it on, and often cleaner than the regular restrooms. You only get half credit for any location with a locking door, though.
  • I’m planning to write more about camping in a later post, but tents can be excellent for sex almost anywhere. In most jurisdictions a tent counts as a “dwelling”, so you won’t get in trouble for having sex in public if you’re caught. The police may tell you that you aren’t allowed to set up camp in the middle of the park though. A tent in your backyard (or your front yard!) can be quite adventurous. If you’re quick and nimble, a pop-up tent can enable you to have sex just about anywhere.
  • Water — it sounds like it would be sexy, but in my experience it’s usually more trouble than it’s worth. Any kind of water will wash away the wife’s natural lubrication very quickly, which means you need to bring some oil-based lube if you’re going to make it work comfortably. That said, if you plan ahead I’m sure that a pool or jacuzzi after-hours would be a lot of fun. Maximum points if the jacuzzi is on the back of a limousine and you’re driving down the Strip in Las Vegas.
  • Sex on the beach (or in the ocean) makes me wince… the ocean is generally filthy, and I don’t relish the thought of banging a bunch of sand into Sexy Corte’s lady bits. If you’ve done this please leave a comment, because I have a hard time believing that it’s really as sexy as in the movies.
  • Library or book store. Ok, we haven’t done this, but the thought of all those books turns me on.
  • Tree house. No explanation needed.
  • Lots of public buildings have accessible closets and empty rooms. Our church sure does. Just make sure there isn’t a Sunday School class scheduled for the next hour.
  • We haven’t done this yet, but I’m eager to try some games in a movie theater. It might be hard to actually slip it to her there, but I’m sure I could drive her crazy with my fingers. We’d have to find a nice, loud action movie, but it is almost summer.
  • For more privacy, try doing it right in front of an open window on a sunny day. You’ll be in shadows to anyone outside, but you can still feel naughty.

As for technique, there are a few options, but the titillating risk also limits your flexibility.

  • When you’re in a public place there usually won’t be time for foreplay, so you should probably bring some lube. If you’re being spontaneous, just spit on your hand and rub it on her. It’s not romantic, but sometimes you’ve got to be quick. The wife might also want to carry some pantyliners for afterwards.
  • Bend her over and take her from behind. This is the easiest, fastest position for sex in a public place, especially if your wife is wearing pants. She can bend over a tree, a rock, or lean against a wall while you penetrate her from behind, and one of you can play with her clit at the same time. She won’t need to remove her clothing, and there won’t be much to see if you’re surprised.
  • If your wife is wearing a dress she can pull her panties off and sit on your lap. This is probably the safest position if you think an interruption is likely, because nothing will be visible to any interloper. It might be a little embarrassing for a stranger to see you straddling your husband, but they’ll probably move on quickly. This position gives a lot of access to the wife’s bits, and is probably the easiest way for her to orgasm from sex in a public place.
  • It can also be fun to fool around without penetration. Obviously a dress makes this easier than pants. If you don’t finish, just imagine how hot and bothered you’ll both be when you get home.
  • If you really want to have fun, get yourself a remote control vibrator and put it in her panties or insert it directly  into her before you go out. Then play around with the controls while she tries to avoid attracting attention.

remote control vibrator

  • If your wife is shy, try starting your public adventures slowly with a blow job. She won’t need to undress at all. Assuming she swallows, clean-up will also be easy.

So what are your favorite public places to get busy with your spouse? If you haven’t done it yet, where is your first adventure going to be? If you’re already a pro, please share your tips!

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All Christian sex bloggers eventually get around to the question: should a wife swallow her husband’s semen? As usual, the answer is “if she wants to”. Well that’s fine… no one should be coerced into doing anything against her will… but I’m going to go a bit farther for wives and claim that you should cultivate a desire to swallow.

Why? Well, let’s get inside your husband’s head for a minute. As I’ve written before, we men like to mark our territory — and depositing his goo into your body is one of the primary ways your husband marks you. If you reject his semen, you’re rejecting him as your mate and as the potential father of your children. Even though it’s your mouth, refusing to swallow is basically the same as insisting that your husband wear a condom when you have intercourse.

On the flip side, when you do swallow, you create intimacy between you and your husband. You demonstrate love and acceptance on a very primal level that goes beyond words. If you want to drive your husband crazy don’t just suck him off — dive into him like a woman wandering through a desert who has just spotted an oasis. Not like you have to swallow, but like you crave him and will die if he doesn’t shoot himself down your throat right now.

And finally: God himself describes the passion of oral sex better than I ever could.

Bonnie Wallace says that semen is the perfect food for a wife.

In addition, it also has some great mind-altering effects.  It boosts melatonin, which helps you sleep, and oxytocin, which increases affection and boosts your mood.  You know how they say that breast milk is the most perfect food for an infant?  Well, semen is a pretty darn close comparison for the perfect sex food for a wife.

She also gives some helpful tips, so I recommend that wives head over to her place and read the whole article.

Ok, I’m not going to say that it is easy to swallow the first time you try to do it.  Depending on how often you have sex, a LOT may come out down there.  I’ll admit that my technique initially was to try to get it all in my mouth then swallow all at once to “get it over with” and that usually ended up making a really big mess.  Instead, it works better to drink it like a water fountain, swallowing and drawing more into your mouth at the same time.  Granted, there still may be too much to get it all, but it works a lot better this way than the other.

Since this topic generates a lot of email for us, let me also point you to these related posts:

Since Sexy Corte just brought up our Sexy-Time check list I may well elaborate on our game of Naked Marco Polo. In case you aren’t familiar with the family-safe version of the game, the basics are simple: one person is blindfolded and has to catch the other; whenever the seeker says “Marco”, the evader has to say “Polo”. Then you run around the room taking turns trying to catch each other and escape.

Naked Marco Polo is much more fun, because the seeker gets a reward when he catches the evader. For Sexy Corte and I, the rewards started with 30 seconds of foreplay for the seeker: some licking, rubbing, kissing, or whatever the seeker wanted. Then we handed off the blindfold and swapped roles.

We were playing in the Sex Room (i.e., the Master Bedroom) and it was pretty easy to catch each other. The rewards quickly turned into sex, and the game ended in a predictable fashion. A good time was had by all, but next time we play we may have to use the whole house after the kids go to sleep.

Gerad at the blog mission:husband has an insightful post for wives titled 11 Thoughts Out of Your Husband’s Head. Now, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to improve your communication with your spouse so that there’s nothing you’re afraid to ask… but until you get to that point a list like this can be pretty helpful. You and your spouse might even consider writing lists for each other if it’s hard to say some things out loud (at first).

Here are a couple of points I’ll add to his list.

  • We men like to leave our mark. That’s why we want you to swallow, and we shoot our seed deep inside you. Hours later, we like to hear that you’re sore, your muscles are tired and tingly, and our come is still leaking out. We like to hear that you’re still affected by our powerful lovemaking long after it’s over. This is the same motivation that drives men to conquer new lands and build skyscrapers.
  • Enthusiasm is the key to doing almost anything well with us. Whether its sex or helping to fix the dishwasher, when we’re doing something together your enthusiasm is really important. Even though it wasn’t your idea, and it isn’t very exciting to pass us tools while we’re shoulder-deep under an appliance, your enthusiasm will be greatly appreciated. I’m going to write a post about enthusiasm during sex later.

And finally, a modification to his point 11:

11. Sometimes he wishes you’d just give him a hand-job – Yes, again, that’s what I said. Hey, I told you I’m being honest here. If you know it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, and you know he’s frustrated about it, but you still don’t feel like having sex (period, bad timing, etc), don’t ask, just roll over to his side of the bed, and offer him a hand-job. I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter if your mind is “into it”, or if your “emotionally ready”, or whatever other thing you might try to throw in there for a reason that you just don’t feel like giving him one.

Never really been a fan of hand-jobs… get down there and suck your husband off.

Athol Kay writes a lot about alpha and beta behaviors in the marriage relationship, and especially the need to find a balance. Women are often attracted to the “bad boy” alphas, but pure alpha behavior doesn’t make for a stable long-term relationship. On the other hand, pure-beta behavior just isn’t attractive to anyone, and if it leads to stability in a marriage it will be a stable equilibrium of a frustrated, dominant wife and a frustrated, sex-deprived husband. As a husband, you have to put some strategic thought into selecting your beta behaviors.

Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.

What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.

It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.

This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.

I’ve got a lot more to say about “the five love languages” at a later point, so stay tuned!

Let’s face it: it’s difficult and awkward to have sex in the car. Sexy Corte and I don’t do it very often, but when we have it has been quite memorable. Several months ago we dropped our kids off with a friend for a quick “date night” to grab some ice cream for an hour, and we ended up making love in the car on a dead-end spur off a major road near our house. Every time we drive past the road it makes us laugh and turns us on.

So car sex can be difficult, but it’s worth it! Here are some tips:

  1. Keep some lube and wipes in the car. The best thing about lube is that it lets you be more spontaneous and a little quicker… although doing it in a semi-public place gets Sexy Corte pretty wet anyway. Baby wipes are handy for clean-up.
  2. A skirt or dress makes sex in the car a lot more convenient. Skirts and dresses are great for spontaneous quickies in any circumstance, but one of the most awkward parts of car sex is getting your clothes out of the way. A skirt or dress minimizes this problem.
  3. Putting your wife on top is one of the easiest car sex positions available. You can sit in a seat, slide your butt out a little, and then your wife can straddle you pretty easily, forwards or backwards. This position will let you play with her clit while she rides you and should be fun for everyone.
  4. The lean-over blow job is one of the best car sex positions. The name describes it all: your wife simply leans over into your lap and sucks you off. I don’t recommend doing this while you’re driving, but… we have, and it was pretty awesome. But don’t do it, it’s dangerous.
  5. Go to the back. If you have a van or SUV then you’ve got plenty of space to try just about any position imaginable. If your car is smaller, you may struggle to get into missionary position in the back seat, but you’ll have better luck with doggie-style.

Tell us about a time and place you’ve done it in your car!  Do you have any tips to share?