I bet more wives than husbands use loofahs when they shower, but that might change if your spouse transforms into a human loofah! You don’t need a loofah costume (although you could use one), you just need your naked body and some soap. The idea is simple: the wife covers herself in soapy bubbles and then washes her husband by rubbing herself all over his body. Then they switch roles and the husband washes his wife in the same way. Fun and efficient!

Here are a few ideas for making the most of your human loofah experience.

  • No hands. Using your hands is easy-mode!
  • In the dark. Turning off the lights will enhance the experience for your other senses, especially touch.
  • Mirroring. Use your corresponding part to wash your spouse — e.g., wash her chest with your chest, and her butt with your butt.
  • Sexy parts. Wash your spouse’s whole body using only your sexy parts.

You might want to read up on how to have sex in the water before you get started, because all this rubbing is likely to lead in that direction. A well-prepared husband will be ready for anything if he keeps silicone lube and a water-proof vibrator handy.

Husbands, now that you’re married you don’t “pick up” girls anymore, right? Well, your wife’s heart may flutter if you pick her up literally. Would you like your wife to react to you like Rachel does in this clip? (Starting at 0:55.)

If you’re both in reasonably good shape you should be a lot stronger than your wife and able to easily impress her with feats of strength — and few actions underscore your size difference more than lifting your wife off the ground. (Obviously your man-strength should only be used for good, to serve and protect your family, never for evil.) Here are a few ideas:

  • Lift her legs up around your waist. When you’re standing up and kissing, bend down and lift her by the backs of her legs. Wrap her legs around your waist and hold her while you kiss. You can theoretically have sex in this position, but there’s a high risk of penis injury if she slips — so set her up on the counter.
  • “Honeymoon” carry. Like in the stereotypical honeymoon, pick her up and cradle her with one arm behind her back and the other under her knees.
  • Throw her onto the bed. Nothing says “it’s business time” like being tossed onto the bed.
  • Throw her over your shoulder. If you’re carrying her very far this is the easiest way to do it (other than a fireman carry, which doesn’t seem very romantic). Great opportunity to spank her butt a few times.
  • Piggy-back ride. Fun, but this generally requires her to actively climb aboard, rather than you picking her up.
  • Squats. Again, she has to climb on, but your wife will probably be impressed when you do squats with her on your shoulders.
  • Grab her by the hips. Not exactly lifting, but still a show of strength.

Most wives want a big, strong husband! You’ve got to be gentle and measured with your strength, but your wife will be probably like it if you show off a little. (And she may enjoy it if you’re a little rougher, but ask first and set expectations.)