That is, quick answers to the emails that are piling up! Please jump into the comments if you have any ideas of your own to share on these topics.

Reader “JK” writes:

Hi, I’m wondering if you can give me some advice. My husband and I have been married several years and have a good relationship in general but our sex life is lacking at times, especially since he really enjoys me being dominant over him and using bondage and I struggle with being dominant and can’t really come up with anything creative to do so I just end up playing out basically the same scene over and over. I want to do better so he and I can both enjoy sex more. Any advice? Thanks for all you and your husband do. I really appreciate your website and all the articles you have to encourage Christian couples in their sex lives. This world needs it.

It’s more common for the husband to be sexually dominant than the wife, but there are plenty of marriages in which those roles are reversed — whatever works for your marriage is great, and kudos to JK and her husband for figuring it out! What’s more, it’s awesome that JK wants to step up her game to improve their sex life.

My first tip is simple, but maybe not obvious: just because one spouse is “dominant” in an encounter doesn’t mean that she (in this case) needs to think of everything. JK, I’m sure your husband has some fantasies of what he’d like you to do with him, but he might feel like he shouldn’t tell you directly because that would undermine the roles you’re playing. False! Before you engage in any kind of role-playing you need to talk out-of-character and set expectations with each other. During this conversation neither of you is dominant or submissive, you’re just yourselves discussing how you want to have sex. It’s very common for the sexually submissive spouse (usually the wife, but not in this case) to expect the dominant spouse to guess what to do — “read my mind, tell me what to do, and fulfill my fantasy without me having to spell it out for you!” This is not always realistic. JK, talk to your husband and encourage him to help you plan the scenarios that he wants to act out with you!

The second tip is to check out our category for sexy games — many of them have dominant/submissive elements that you can re-use in a million ways. Start with Trivia Night and Professor and Student.

 

Reader “AV” writes:

Hi El Fury. I discovered your site not long ago and it has been very clarifying for me. I love the fact that you guys answer questions on here. So, I have one. I know watching porn together is not a healthy habit, obviously. But what about listening to the audio without seeing it? What about listening alone?

Your sexual thoughts and energy should be devoted to your spouse — so, does listening to the audio track of porn edify your marriage? Does it honor God? Does it focus your sexuality on your spouse? In this particular case it’s hard for us to answer these questions for you, because listening to such audio isn’t appealing to us. The easy answer would be “don’t do it”, but is this audio really different than playing sexy music? I don’t know. Pray and seek God.

Reader “JM” writes:

I appreciate your clear and candid discussion of sexual topics. I looked through the posts searching for thoughts on a particular topic: keeping the sex life magical when separated (military, work, etc.).

Do you have any suggestions or thoughts about what a married couple can do when they are apart? Maybe it is a discussion of phone sex or video chatting. In particular, any suggestions for a wife who is uncomfortable touching herself.

It’s a blessing that Sexy Corte and I aren’t frequently separated by work, so we don’t have much first-hand advice to share. To specifically address the issue of your wife being uncomfortable touching herself, I have two thoughts. First, encourage her to touch herself while you’re with her! It’s very sexy to watch your wife touch herself, and you might even learn a thing or two about how she likes to be touched. Second, you might want to check out one of the numerous “app enabled vibrators” available these days. (Search on the term… we don’t have a specific model to recommend.) These devices will let you control the stimulation that your wife experiences while you’re on the phone, enhancing the feeling of closeness even when you’re far away.

Reader “LG” writes:

Hi, I recently discovered your blog and appreciated the Christian perspective on sex in marriage you write about. I am not married yet but I am in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is quite a lot older then I am however he is still very ‘young’ in appearance. He is a professional body builder and looks about 10 years younger then he is. He is also very healthy. My dads concern before I started dating him was only for my sex life because he said that “passion is sometimes the only thing that keeps a marriage together.” I’m learning more how much frequent sex really does matter in marriage. I am a strong Christian and so is my boyfriend, we both intend to keep our virginity for our wedding night. I am 26 and he is 49. I know its a big age gap. I wanted your opinion on whether it would work for us in the sexual area for us if we got married. I’m thinking ahead too and have considered that when I am my moms age he will be 80. I don’t even know when people stop having sex but I surely don’t want to be the one always wanting it, I want him to want it just as much or more. I know people who marry with an age gap but I have no idea what their sex life looks like! Do you have any first hand information about age gap couples or any insight into this?

That’s a big age gap, and it will become more pronounced as you get older. We get emails all the time from readers in their 60s and 70s who have active sex lives, but it’s impossible for us to say what will happen in your specific situation in 20 years. Also, two 60-year-olds may have a great sex life together, while if one of those sexagenarians were married to a 40-year-old they’d both be miserable because of the libido gap. It’s common for men to experience a decrease in their sex drive as they enter their 60s and 70s.

Reader “KF” writes:

Ever since the birth of my daughter (a few years ago) sex is painful. It doesn’t matter how much lube or how wet I get, it still hurts and I bleed lightly after. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

If sex is painful you should talk to your doctor. It isn’t normal for sex to be painful years after giving birth.

Reader “QF” writes:

Hello, I love your blog and several other Christian sex blogs. Love the way you want to give each other pleasure as often as possible. The one thing I can’t get into my head is, why El Fury? Or is it a secret between you and Sexy Corte?

“Fury” in the sense of “full of unrestrained energy and passion”, not anger! Beyond that, it’s a secret.

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email service like Mailinator.

 

Hannah Smothers at Cosmo is mad at husbands who enjoy giving orgasms to their wives.

It’s not enough that men are already having more orgasms than women. To make matters worse, a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research found — aside from deriving pleasure from their own orgasms, obviously — men also derive a specific sort of masculine pleasure from making female partners orgasm. The researchers in the study, Sara Chadwick and Sari van Anders, refer to this incredibly predictable phenomenon as a “masculinity achievement.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I imagine a “masculinity achievement” looks something like Super Mario punching a coin out of one of those floating boxes in the video game.

“Despite increasing focus on women’s orgasms, research indicated that the increased attention to women’s orgasms may also serve men’s sexuality, complicating conceptualizations of women’s orgasms as women-centric,” researchers wrote.

I’m glad that scientists are investigating such esoteric topics! I can confirm that this husband really enjoys pleasuring his wife, even if it complicates the conceptualization of her orgasm. I feel like orgasms are something we experience together, rather than being “centric” on just one of us.

What about the idea of “giving” an orgasm to your spouse?

In a separate statement from Chadwick and van Anders, they explained why it’s a bad thing for men to gain masculinity points for bringing female partners to orgasm. “One reason is that it might pressure some heterosexual men to feel like they have to ‘give’ women orgasms, as if orgasm is something men pulled out of a hat and presented to women,” they wrote. “This ties into cultural ideas of women as passive recipients of whatever men give them.”

I completely agree that as a husband it feels incredibly empowering to give my wife an orgasm, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Most of the time that Sexy Corte orgasms we’re using a vibrator and she’s on top and in control of the movement. This is the easiest way for her to reach orgasm, and since we have more lust than time we often aim for efficiency. This position is good for me and I enjoy sharing in the pleasure of her orgasm, but it’s not the same as when I give her an orgasm while I’m in a more dominant role. That is a sort of “achievement”, but it’s also very rewarding to know that the woman I love and adore can receive such pleasure from me.

The joy of giving is the reward for assuming the dominant role and doing most of the work in a sexual encounter. It takes work to give pleasure, whether that’s simply an orgasm or a whole sexual experience like trivia night, shibari rope bondage, or poetry night. It takes care and effort to prepare questions, learn how to tie knots, or write poetry, and the reward for that effort is the joy you get from giving to the one you love.

Furthermore, giving pleasure isn’t a one-way street as Cosmo implies. A wife can also find it joyful and rewarding to give pleasure to her husband, and a husband can appreciate the time and effort involved and take joy in the wife who loves him. When Sexy Corte performs oral sex or cleans the ceiling fan it hits me right in my primary love language (Acts of Service, which may also be why I enjoy giving so much).

Far from being harmful, joyfully giving pleasure to your spouse will enhance intimacy and deepen the love and commitment you have for each other. Each spouse can both give and receive pleasure, and your sex life and marriage will be better for it.

How do you approach giving and receiving in your marriage? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!