My previous post about How to Rub a Clitoris is one of the most popular on the site, so I thought it deserved a follow-up post focused on what we call the thumb and finger technique or the zoom technique — the motions are very similar to what you’d use to zoom in or out on the screen of your phone!
It’s pretty simple:
- Apply lube to the wife’s clitoris and vulva. Since most of the action is outside, her natural lubricant won’t be as helpful as it would be inside. Also, the zoom technique covers more territory than a single-finger job and her natural lube might get spread too thin.
- The husband uses his index and/or middle finger to stimulate his wife’s vaginal opening and lips, and he uses his thumb to stimulate her clitoris.
- The husband can move his thumb and fingers in a “zooming” motion and in small circles over his wife’s skin, occasionally penetrating her with his fingers to really get her worked up.
- Your mileage may vary, but we use the zoom technique primarily as foreplay — Sexy Corte tends to require focused clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. It’s easy enough to move your fingers from the vaginal opening to the clitoris and focus there to bring your wife to orgasm, but the teasing penetration of the zoom technique might make her extremely hungry for more penetration rather than less. (That is, a non-penetrative orgasm may not be enough to satisfy her.)
As with any fingering techniques, you can use zoom in a lot of ways.
- The wife can just lay back and enjoy the attention. The teasing fingers dancing around her vaginal opening will really make the wife long for more substantial penetration — make her beg for it!
- We like to zoom during Old Faithful — I zoom Sexy Corte while she performs oral on me. A few days ago this actually made her purrrr while I was in her mouth, which feels unbelievable.
- Zoom as part of a bifecta focused on the wife: casually zoom her while you’re watching television together. (Hmm, that sounds like fun for tonight.)
- Zoom during trivia night — it’s pretty similar to the wand vibrator and fingertip technique. (I love when SC needs me to repeat a question because she’s too turned on to focus.)
- If the wife wears a dress, you can zoom just about anywhere!
Have you ever used the zoom technique yourself? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
Want a way to spice up this Christmas season? Why not try making your own adult Advent Calendar? This year El Fury and I cut up 24 strips of paper, and each of us wrote 12 ideas on each one. We are keeping them a surprise and starting December 1st will open a new one each day until Christmas. Our thought is that we will open them in the morning so that we have the day to prepare or carry out the card. I’m not sure yet what all EF wrote, but I did a blend of sexy, relaxing and fun. Here are some ideas:
- Wear something sexy under your clothes today
- Play a sexy game tonight (Twister, Jenga, etc.)
- Try a new sexual position tonight
- Bubble bath and wine
I am really excited for December 1st so we can start. We hope you and your spouse can have fun doing your own adult Advent Calendar! Post any ideas in the comments. We will report back and let you know how it is going!
Update: It’s lots of fun!
Why is sex so good? Kinda like asking, “why is water wet?” But still, if we understand what makes sex good then maybe we can make it even better!
One of the main questions in life is: Why is sex so good? According to a new review paper, it’s because sex — like dance, yoga, and other body-based pleasures — is rhythmic, and that rhythm has a way of uniting and heightening the senses.
Authored by Northwestern University researcher Adam Safron and published in Socioaffective Neuroscience and Psychology, the paper argues that intercourse can be such a magical experience because of “entrainment,” which is a fancy way of saying that it gets your brain, sensory, and bodily systems all rowing in the same sexy direction. What happens in the run-up to orgasm, he argues, is what goes on in most ecstatic experiences (consider how a “beat drops” in your favorite new disco anthem). Rhythmic perception and action lead you to attend more to the stimuli that’s turning you on, leading to greater enjoyment, and greater attendance, making for “further enhancing entrainment, thus creating a positive feedback cycle of deepening sexual absorption,” he writes.
It’s not enough to call this increased arousal or pleasure: A better way to understand the way people can lose their sense of selves during the act of sex is with trance, the same way that you might feel a sense of absorption on a particularly good night of dancing, a particularly strenuous yoga session, a particularly deep meditation, or a particularly satisfying run. “Intensely focusing on immediate sensations — such as those produced by rhythmic stimulation — is likely to reduce the amount of mental capacity available for other things,” Safron writes, like ruminative self-narratives, wondering about what could have been, or generally having your mind someplace other than where you currently are. “Such an experience of sensate focusing and altered self-processing may be most appropriately referred to as a kind of trance state,” he writes. “If this trance occurs in the context of another individual who is similarly absorbed, then it could potentially contribute to feelings of connectedness along with the expansion of self-other boundaries.”
I bolded the part that jumped out at me, and it matches my experience. Sex is best when you are “intensely focusing on immediate sensations” — which is closely related to our posts about the importance of enthusiasm and responsiveness. There’s a feedback loop: in order to have great sex you need to pull your mind away from the mundane considerations of life, and the act of pulling away is self-reinforcing, leading to enhanced focus and even better sex!
So how can you use this information to improve sex with your spouse? In addition to the posts I’ve linked to above, here are a few ways you can focus more intensely during sex:
- Sight. Get rid of visual distractions. Unless you’re just playing around you should turn off the television, put away your phones, and lock your door. Focus your eyes and attention on your spouse. You can dim the lights, maintain eye contact, or even wear a blindfold for some power play. Wear something sexy. Do a dance. Keep your bedroom orderly and comfortable to avoid seeing your surroundings as a to-do list while you’re having sex.
- Sound. Put on some sensual music, something with a beat! Like the article says above, a good rhythm helps synchronize your bodies and senses. Turn off the baby monitors, silence your phones. Replace the batteries in the #&%&(#@% smoke detector. In my post about sexual responsiveness I talk about how important it is to use words and sounds during sex, so go read that whole post. Moan and groan, cry out, say your spouse’s name, beg for an orgasm.
- Smell and taste. Using food in your sexy time can be fun, but it may also be a distraction. If you want to focus intensely on the sexual experience, engage with the taste and smell of your spouse. Bury your face in your spouse’s hair or neck. Kiss deeply. Lick your spouse all over. Use oral sex not only to stimulate your spouse, but also to engage your own senses! During oral sex the attention is usually on the receiver, but try flipping that around: when you’re giving oral sex, focus on absorbing all the sensations that come from being close to your spouse’s sexuality. (Husbands especially: hygiene is important if you want your wife to enjoy your taste and smell.)
- Touch. Sex obviously involves a lot of touching, but the touching can often be very goal-oriented: orgasm. However, sex with your spouse isn’t (usually) a race — you can focus your sense of touch more intensely if you just slow down. Revel in touching and being touched all over your bodies. An average human has twenty square feet of skin, so don’t just use your fingers: lips and tongues are obvious, but you can touch anything to anything else. (Check out Body Part Twister for some ideas (automated spinner).) Touch, tickle, massage, tease, and you can learn to build your spouse up to some huge orgasms.
- Restraint. One of the reasons that light bondage is fun is that the person being restrained (the receiver) is free to focus completely on his or her sensations. While restrained, the receiver doesn’t need to think about giving pleasure, only receiving it. Being tied up is permission to be the center of attention, even your own attention. The receiver doesn’t have to do anything, just be.
- Trust and vulnerability. In order to really lose yourself in a sexual experience you have to trust your spouse enough to let yourself be vulnerable. Your relationship needs to be past the point where you worry about looking right, acting right, or moving right. If you’re worried about impressing or disappointing your spouse, or being awkward, you’re not going to be able to focus on your senses. You each need to be comfortable with your own bodies and sexuality, and you need to respect and cherish each other.
“Losing yourself” doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but I think we can take some intentional steps to eliminate distractions during sex and really focus on the sensations we’re creating with our spouses. If you have any tips to share, please leave a comment!
When Sexy Corte and I were dating, I somewhat randomly drew on her a couple of times with a sharpie and we both found it to be fun and sensual. A few weeks ago, she suggested I use henna to create temporary tattoos on her body. I was game, but also intimidated — she’s the artistic one in the family, and I’ve never done anything like it before. She sent me this video of design ideas and then told me to draw whatever I wanted on her. No pressure, right?
I did a bit of research and decided to buy a jagua tattoo kit. Apparently henna can cause skin irritation for some people, so I decided to try an alternative considering the intimate areas involved. The kit included all the tools required to mix the ink and apply it to the skin, and simple instructions for a beginner. (Now that I’ve got a bit of proficiency I will probably just buy the ink next time.)
As for the design, I really debated — and in the end I didn’t use any of the patterns from the video above. The first tattoo I created was a design I stole from one of our board games (so geeky) that I drew on the lower front of SC’s hip (about half-covered by her panties). The second tattoo was simple: I wrote my name across her right breast in cursive.
The application process was great foreplay. She laid naked on the bed with a wand vibrator between her legs (and tried to hold still) while I used the tiny applicator to draw intricate lines on her body. By the time the tattoos were done we were both eager to get down to business!
So what’s fun about tattooing your spouse?
- Marking your territory. It was awesome to use SC’s body as a canvas for my creativity, and she enjoyed coaxing it out of me. As I mentioned, I don’t have a lot of artistic talent, but there was something primal about marking my wife — especially with my name written across her breast.
- Submission. SC made a few suggestions and requests (e.g., the tattoos should be concealable with clothing), but it was extremely sexy to be given carte blanche to draw on her body however I wanted. That she wanted me to express myself on her body was a huge turn-on.
- Durability. Most sex is over when it’s over, but temporary tattoos can last two weeks! Whenever SC looks at herself in the mirror she is reminded of me and her act of submission, and whenever I see her I’m reminded of my dominance. For us, that’s sexy! Just seeing the tattoos on her skin turns me on and makes me want her. (Similar to why trying-to-get-pregnant sex is some of the best sex.)
- Creative. You can draw anything, anywhere. A picture, a love letter, an abstract pattern, a symbol, a poem, anything you can imagine.
- Vulnerability. It takes vulnerability to be creative, and vulnerability is sexy. I was pretty nervous about tattooing SC — afraid it would look bad or be silly — but her enthusiasm and encouragement nudged me along. And, of course, she was even more vulnerable than I was, since she was the canvas!
- Secret. Hidden tattoos are a sensual inside joke to share with your spouse. If the drawings are on intimate areas, you can even flash them discreetly to get your spouse’s attention in public.
- Temporary. The tattoos are durable, but they eventually fade… and then you get to draw something new! I’ve already got several ideas for our next round of tattooing.
Here are a few tips that will make your tattooing experience as awesome as possible.
- Prepare your kit in advance. I started mixing the ink after SC was already naked, so I rushed while she waited.
- Set expectations. Make sure you agree on where and what are desirable.
- Keep it simple. Don’t make the tattoo too complicated, especially if it’s your first time. Pick a simple pattern and practice it on the skin with magic marker.
- Stimulation during application. Figure out a way to physically stimulate each other during the tattooing process. In this instance, with SC on her back, we used a wand vibrator. Next time I’m planning to tattoo her butt, and we’ll try doing it doggy style.
- Plan for drying time. The tattoos take 30-40 minutes to dry, so plan accordingly. In our case, we did the hip tattoo first since it would be hard to avoid smudging it during sex.
So there you have it, our first experience with temporary tattoos! Have you ever done this kind of thing with your spouse? Got tips or questions? Leave a comment!
We don’t discuss politics here (whew!), but we want to encourage everyone to pray for our political leaders — whatever country you’re in.
1 Timothy 2:1-4
First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
No political leader can bring about perfection here on earth. Pray for peace; pray that the Gospel will be boldly proclaimed throughout the whole world; and pray that the Holy Spirit works powerfully for the salvation of the lost.
Pray as a couple. Pray with your kids. Pray for our new president, our governors, our mayors, our lawmakers, our judges, and all the civil service workers who make our government function. Pray for freedom, justice, integrity, wisdom, and humility.
Thank God for all his blessings, and never take them for granted.
I’m a bit skeptical, but new mother Emily Street says that she had a three-week-long orgasm after giving birth to her fourth child.
Emily even likens her astonishing “euphoria” during childbirth to the intense hormones generated through orgasm — which lasted for three weeks.
Emily, who has three other children — Ernie, 7, Roo, 5, and 3-year-old Pip — added: “The euphoria that I felt after the births was very, very close to an orgasm sensation, which lasted for three or four weeks as opposed to something that’s very intense for a short amount of time.
“From my point of view, I’m happy with that.”
Or maybe it was just “very, very” much like an orgasm! Anyway, I’m not sure how to apply this in your marriage. It seems like a three-week-long orgasm would be exhausting and troublesome, but Mrs. Street seems pleased.
When Sexy Corte and I go out on a date we usually do dinner plus an activity. (Usually not a movie, because there’s hardly ever anything we want to see.) But for our last date night, instead of an physical activity we decided to focus on each other by having a great conversation. Our lives are so busy that when we have time to sit down and really talk it’s usually about something “important”, and we often revisit the same topics: our amazing kids, our upcoming activities, our friends, our church, etc. Those are all great, but for this date we used a fantastic tool created by The Generous Wife to prompt us in different directions: A Year of Questions for You and Your Spouse.
The list of questions is available as a PDF, and it’s intended to give you one question to discuss with your spouse every day for a year. For our date, however, we used random.org to pick random questions for us (1 – 366) and we went through about a dozen over the course of two hours. The questions covered a lot of territory and we learned a lot about each other — almost like we were first dating again!
We also used our new wireless vibrator during dinner, which is always a blast. It’s pretty sexy to watch your wife get all flustered when you buzz her while she’s trying to decide what language she wants to learn or what she liked best about her first job. The vibrator turns her on, and her arousal drives me insane. Important tip: make sure you have a fully charged vibrator at home for after your date! The wireless one she’s wearing will eventually run out of juice, and you don’t want to leave her hanging.