Reader “L” writes:

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire:

“Now, I’m not against spicing things up, and I do think lots of things can be fun! But when we’re wanting ‘more’ because we’ve programmed ourselves to think ‘the weirder the sexier’, there’s a problem.”

It stems from the porn argument — many men have been conditioned through porn to be aroused by what they’ve seen and that there is an escalating factor as seen by the lack of what you might call vanilla interactions in porn today.

When I hear that argument (not so much about porn’s influence, but about it being the driving behind any interest in sexy games, bondage, etc.), I question how anyone could arrive at introducing extra-curricular activities into their sex lives without some kind of societal influence. No one lives in a vacuum and it is more impossible today than it was 20 years ago. I also personally don’t like the use of the word “weirder”, but that’s a whole other argument I could have.

What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks for the question! As you might expect, I’ve got a lot of thoughts. The quote comes from a post Sheila wrote about the dangers porn can create in a marriage. We agree: porn is dangerous to your marriage. Your sexuality should be focused on your spouse.

However, porn didn’t invent anything it depicts. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 says:

What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

Our ancestors were no more virtuous or innocent than we are. The Bible is full of sex. Shakespeare’s works are full of sex. Some of the oldest known works of art are pornographic. Ancient Roman graffiti was largely pornographic. A modern person may learn about a sex act from the internet, but our ancestors did everything we do.

It’s worth adding that men aren’t the only ones looking at porn — women also consume and are influenced by porn. Surveys indicate that a higher percentage of men than women view porn, but up to 30% of women are willing to admit to Cosmo that they view porn “daily” or “once every few days”. I’d bet that the actual number — women who won’t admit it — is higher.

Finally, let’s talk about “weird” sex. Literally:

1. involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny:

2. fantastic; bizarre:

3. Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny.

I don’t think people mean supernatural, so let’s go with definition number two: fantastic or bizarre. Neither word is inherently negative.

Fantasticconceived by an unrestrained imagination; odd and remarkable; extravagantly fanciful; marvelous; incredibly great or extreme; exorbitant; highly unrealistic or impractical.

Bizarre: markedly unusual in appearance, style, or general character and often involving incongruous or unexpected elements; outrageously or whimsically strange; odd.

In both cases, “weird” is opposite to “normal” — so what’s normal? The Bible doesn’t differentiate between normal sex and weird sex, only between Godly sex and sinful sex. The only way to define “normal” is with reference to some environment and culture. Something normal in one place and time, to one person, may be weird to another. Normal and weird are determined by your perspective and your biases. Godly and sinful are determined by God.

Some sex act may be normal and sinful at the same time, or Godly and weird at the same time. Consider:

So, that’s the long way of saying: “weird” is in the eye of the beholder. With a few limits, if you want to do it and your spouse agrees, go for it.

I think there are also two other things a person can mean when they use the word “weird”.

First, they can simply mean: “I don’t want to do that”. It’s perfectly acceptable to be apprehensive about some sex act, but it’s important to communicate and explain why. Saying something is “weird” is a passive-aggressive way of shaming your spouse into hiding their desire. Don’t use “weird” as an excuse to just say no.

Second, “weird” can mean novel, something new. We definitely don’t think it’s wrong to seek out new ways to enjoy sex with your spouse! We write about that all the time. As Sheila would seem to agree, we do recommend prioritizing penis-in-vagina sex, but we also think it’s healthy to push your boundaries and explore new things. A desire for new experiences is common in many areas of life, not just sex. You may not like everything you try, and that’s ok!

Finally, check out that third definition for “weird”: controlling fate or destiny. All sex is weird like that!

What do you think? Fantastic, bizarre, novel? How does culture influence your sexual relationship with your spouse?

Update: Commenter Juliettte makes some great observations about the positive effects that culture can have on married sex!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

We get many emails with variations on the question: how can I my spouse and I be more sexually spontaneous? Ironically, a little preparation can help! Put some lube and wet wipes in your purse, and you’ll be ready for spontaneity any time.

But how do you actually be spontaneous? If spontaneity doesn’t come naturally to your sex life, you can introduce a bit of randomness to help things along. We often use dice to make random choices and inspire our imaginations. Nothing is worse than two people both saying, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” You don’t have to obey the dice, but you can use the random rolls to get your creativity flowing. Here are a few examples:

Those tables give you ideas for what and how to have sex, but the key to spontaneity is when. So here’s an idea for randomizing the time you have sex: use a deck of playing cards. Here are two possible methods.

Method 1: Draw a random card when you wake up in the morning. If the card is a number, an ace, or a jack (11), that’s the hour of the day you’re going to have sex. If it’s a king or queen, then the husband or wife has to secretly pick a time to ambush the other spouse and initiate. Advanced mode: a heart means to get naked, a diamond means to start with oral, a club means you have to use at least three positions, and a spade means it’s a quickie and draw again afterwards.

Method 2: Bring the deck of cards with you and set an alarm to go off every hour. When the alarm goes off, draw a card. If it’s a number between 2 and 9, do nothing and draw again the next hour. Otherwise:

  • Ten or Jack: Within the next hour you must have some serious physical foreplay for at least five minutes, but not to orgasm. Making out, fingering, oral sex, breast play. Get hot and heavy, but don’t finish.
  • Queen: The wife picks an appropriate location and initiates sex within the next hour.
  • King: The husband picks an appropriate location and initiates sex within the next hour.
  • Ace: Drop whatever you’re doing and immediately find a place to have sex.
  • Advanced mode: a heart means to get naked, a diamond means to start with oral, a club means you have to use at least three positions, and a spade means the initiator needs to add an extra kink (examples: spanking, tickling, teasing).

What do you and your spouse do to enhance spontaneity? Share some tips in the comments!

Reader “B” asks:

What are your thoughts on FFM threesomes?

My wife has expressed interest in a FFM threesome where I as the husband would only interact with my wife and she can interact with the other female. We are both Christians and are struggling with this desire. While wanting to pursue this we are also burdened with the sinful nature of it. What are your thoughts regarding this? There has been some girl/girl stuff happen in the past as part of some experimenting while we were married and I was present for it. But we are looking into the swinging lifestyle and have rules and boundaries in place and nothing has happened yet. Wanting another Christians viewpoint on this situation.

As we wrote in our post about sexual boundaries in marriage, God’s will is that sex should be reserved exclusively for a husband and a wife. So, while there aren’t many limits on what you and your wife can do together, you can’t bring someone else into your sexual relationship. Neither spouse can give the other spouse permission to commit adultery — adultery isn’t just a sin against your spouse, it’s a sin against God. Permission from your spouse doesn’t make adultery acceptable to God. It is never acceptable to have sex outside of your marriage. See also: Proverbs 5, “be intoxicated always in her love”Hebrews 13:4, and Proverbs 7.

If that’s not enough, it’s easy to Google for something like “threesome ruined my marriage” and find hundreds of horror stories. Of course, you think your marriage is differentbut everyone thinks that. 93% of Americans think they’re better-than-average drivers. If you and your spouse are currently pretty happy in your marriage, having a threesome is very likely to cause a huge amount of damage. You can read one such story in Genesis 16 and 21, about Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar.

On the other hand, if you and your spouse aren’t happy in your marriage, a threesome won’t fix things. There are a zillion reasons for marital dissatisfaction, but think about it: why would adding a third person to the dynamic strengthen your relationship with your spouse? It may temporarily distract you from the pain and frustration you’re feeling — like becoming an alcoholic — but it won’t resolve any of the problems that are actually causing dissatisfaction. If your marriage is having trouble, drinking more alcohol isn’t likely to improve things… you’ll just self-medicate yourself into oblivion. In the end, you’ll be worse off than you are now. Peruse our blog or any of the links on the sidebar for ideas on how to spice up your sex life with your spouse.

We strongly exhort every married couple to keep their sex life exclusive to themselves. This is what God commands through the Bible, and worldly experience says the same thing.

“B” replies:

Thank you for your response. We have done a lot research and we agree that it is sinful and should not be pursued. That being said, the feelings are still there for us both and that will be a struggle. Our faith was strong when we first got married and there have been bumps in the road but we are both very happy in our marriage and in life. I do struggle in my faith because of my job as a firefighter/paramedic and the stuff I have to see and deal with makes it hard to believe that there’s a God that loves us and watches over us.

It’s good that B and his wife have avoided this sin. It’s common to look at the evil, pain, and death that surround us in the world and wonder why God hasn’t prevented it — but he’s given us the ability to stand against evil by the power of the Holy Spirit. The choices we make can be holy, glorifying to God, and healing to mankind, or they can be selfish and evil. Resist temptation and make good choices! We’re grateful for people like B who put their lives on the line to protect us.

See also: Sex Q&A: Christian Wife Swapping, Swinging

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

This comes from reader “PL”:

Any suggestions on how to get my wife to shave “down there”? She tried once when we were first married, but she said it itched SO bad that she’d never do it again.

I LOVE giving her oral…but sometimes the jungle is unbearable.

I recently read that introducing new activities to your spouse is like “breaking in a horse”. The concept is that you try something a little bit at a time until it becomes comfortable. Then you go a bit further. Is that how to approach this, or…?

Her other two comments/objections about shaving are: 1) she would look like an adolescent (which I never thought about until she mentioned it, and that’s something I wish I could erase), or 2) that I must have seen the idea somewhere (porn or whatever). So I was quite disheartened because all I wanted was a nicer landscape to traverse… not anything weird.

Any help/suggestions/insight would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for the email! You know, I understand because I also don’t like to shave all the way. However, I have found that if I remove everything except a “landing strip” it is a lot more comfortable. This is also called a “French” style, and it leaves a strip of hair visible in front. Hair is removed from the areas you need to clean, but left on the area where I find shaving to be most bothersome and itchy. It might be a good compromise for her. Like you said, she can remove a little bit of hair at a time based on her comfort level.

You should also definitely explain to her that hair gets in the way with oral — it can be very distracting, especially when it gets stuck in your teeth! I feel the same way when El Fury hasn’t shaved for a while and I’m licking his balls. As an added bonus, El Fury and I have both experienced greater sensitivity after we shave. Your skin feels so clean and smooth, your spouse’s touch or tongue feels amazing!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

We’ve written that your master bedroom is for sex (and part 2) and if you’re like most people, that’s probably where you do it the most. You’ve probably got all your fun sex stuff hidden away in there, ready for action… but maybe you’re missing one thing: a blowjob chair!

Of course, your bedroom chair isn’t just for oral sex. Chairs are very versatile pieces of furniture!

And you’ll find more fun things to do once the chair is in place! If you’ve got any more ideas, leave a comment.

It’s that time of month again! No, not that time. The time to share awesome Christian sex links!

Periods… it’s both your probs — A week of blow jobs and shower sex.

3 Reasons I Delight in Giving My Husband Oral — Yeah, I put this on top because I know you’ll click it.

An intimate gift for Hubby — “Wives, if you want to give Hubby a really intimate and special treat, allow him to watch you masturbate, all the way to orgasm.” Here are a few tips about masturbating for your husband.

Are You Thinking Sexy Thoughts About Someone Other Than Your Spouse? — James 1:14-15 warns about the progression from temptation, to sin, to death. Be wary of opposite sex friends. Fallen as we are, temptation is to be expected. Prepare for it by nurturing your marriage so that temptation cannot take root and grow into sin, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Intimacy in Marriage’s top sex posts of all time — Shockingly, only one post explicitly about oral sex!

Ban “I don’t know/I don’t care” from your bedroom — And a few other tips, but this is my favorite.

Are you sexually alive? — Your bodies are an amusement park of orgasms, and nothing is sexier than enthusiasm.

“How do I get my turn?” — Asked by a wife, but could be asked by a husband as well. Each spouse needs to take responsibility for asking for what he/she wants and making sure the other spouse gets what she/he desires. If you don’t ask or you don’t give then fix yourself first!

Have sex twice in one day — For us this is usually Sunday, for whatever reason. See also our posts on double features for him and her.

Why do some women shake when they orgasm? — Sexy Corte does, and it drives me crazy. Let go of your inhibitions and amplify your responsiveness during sex.

Choosing to enjoy what she enjoys — It’s about pecan pie, but applies to sex, too. Maybe the thing your spouse loves isn’t your favorite, but you can choose (and learn) to enjoy it as a blessing to her.

One way to help women feel more “in the mood” — Hint: foreplay begins long before sex. Try one of our sex games to get things started. I’m working on a post like this, but aimed at turning on your wife.

If you’ve got a thought or link to share, do it! Do it!

Men, if you’re like me — married, kids, mid-career, home by seven — then you’re probably past the stage in life when you care that much about how you dress. Everyone at your job probably dresses pretty much the same, and your wife already likes how you look… she married you, right? True, true… but it’s pretty easy to kick things up a notch, and the benefits are plentiful. Let’s be honest… you wouldn’t mind if your wife dressed a little hotter, right? Maybe she’d appreciate a little more effort from you, too!

(For other posts with advice for husbands, check out Husbandly Hygiene and Do You Even Lift?)

Fortunately for you and me, the internet can help! I’m no expert on fashion, but I can read a webpage better than anyone (and send Sexy Corte out with a shopping list). The best resource I’ve found is /r/MaleFashionAdvice on Reddit, a site with more than 500k subscribers that focuses entirely on male fashion. (Go watch Zoolander and come back.) On the site you can ask for specific advice, but the most useful pages to me have been these four on building a basic wardrobe.

They include advice on how to select clothes for fit, versatility, and simplicity in an age appropriate way — as a 40-year-old, you wouldn’t want to dress like a 20-year-old and look ridiculous. None of these changes cost a lot of money or time — it’s just as easy to buy the right clothes as the wrong clothes, once you know the difference!

Just in case you ever get confused about what to where to an event, here’s a handy guide for all occasions.


mfa dress chart

Finally, here’s the visual shopping list for your wives (haha, I kid).

mfa mens essentials