They say that whatever you do on New Year’s Eve you’ll repeat every day for the next year. So what are you plans for today? Sure, there’s all sorts of busyness and partying to do, but how about with your spouse?

Sexy Corte and I have a few things planned:

  • Run and lift weights.
  • Spend some one-on-one time with each kid.
  • Check out a new grocery store (so exciting!).
  • But the real fun begins after the kids are in bed…
  • Eat steaks and drink wine.
  • Talk about our goals for 2016.
  • Make love in a new-ish way for us: doggy style using a wand vibrator.
  • And probably play board games together. Yeah, we’re that awesome!

So what are your plans for today? Happy New Year!

We love hearing from couples who enjoy reading our blog together! Reader “J” sent in this quick tip that’s simple to apply in any marriage: get wet and naked together!

We have really enjoyed reading your blog. My wife and I were talking about this site and wondering what we did different that we would like to add to the discussion. Here’s one thing we came up with:

For all of our marriage my wife and I have talked best when either in the bath or shower together. It’s easy to talk about anything if you’re naked… On top of that one of the greatest things I have ever learned to do for her is to shave her legs. It takes time and patience and it apparently makes her feel cared for and pampered. I’d highly recommend every guy try that with his wife. Plus you get to play with her legs… What’s not to like about that?

Sounds nice and intimate to me! Here are some tips for having sex in the water. We’d love to hear from you too, so leave a comment or contact us using the links on the left.

One of the most gratifying aspects this blog is when we get feedback from a couple whose marriage has benefited from something we wrote. As follow-up to this post about swallowing, in the comments to this Q&A about swallowing and enjoying it, “K” writes:

K
So… I gave it a go and swallowed for the first time today. Thanks for the inspiration! :)

Sexy Corte
That’s great! Thanks for letting us know. Was your husband excited?

K
He was thrilled! :) It was an amazing way to bond- more than I could have imagined. You guys are awesome- don’t stop writing!!

The holidays can be extremely stressful (gifts, family, travel, memories…), so we’d like to encourage you to manage your stress by keeping things simple. You don’t have to live up to everyone else’s expectations for Christmas! Most of the stress is self-imposed by things you “have to do” — but many of those things are completely optional. For example, Sexy Corte and I decided long ago that we aren’t going to send out a thousand Christmas cards to everyone we know. Pick a few traditions you want for your family and prioritize those, then let go of the rest.

When you simplify a bit, you’ll have more energy and sanity to enjoy the time with your family, kids, and spouse, as well as to meditate on the True Meaning of Christmas. Remember that Jesus didn’t come to earth just to be a baby, he came to die on the cross for the sins of mankind and then come back to life to conquer death for all eternity.

May you all have a joyful and simple Christmas!

I previously wrote about the Harry Potter trivia night we had, wherein I tied Sexy Corte down and asked her trivia questions while I licked and vibrated her. The primary sexual element we used is called edging — a form of orgasm control. We’re geeks, and the trivia game just created a fun mechanism for Sexy Corte to ask for permission to orgasm and for me to give it.

At its most elementary, edging is pretty simple to explain: carefully adjust the level of stimulation so you stay close to the edge of orgasm without going over. A person is brought almost to the point of orgasm, and then the stimulation is lessened a little to avoid orgasm — repeat the cycle for as long as you want. By maintaining a highly aroused state very close to orgasm its possible to build up huge sexual tension that leads to a very strong orgasm when its finally released.

There are two primary forms of edging in a marriage.

  1. Husband restrains his orgasm to give his wife enough time to climax. This is probably the most common form of edging, and likely familiar to all husbands. It typically takes longer for a wife to climax than it does for her husband, so husbands work really hard to avoid climaxing too early while maintaining an erection. This is a skill that most men can learn, and I’d say it’s pretty essential for most marriages. Eventually, the husband should be able to have pretty good control over when he climaxes, and with some cues from his wife they can both reach orgasm simultaneously when desired. This form of edging is almost entirely on the husband’s part — even for a wife who orgasms quickly and easily, there generally isn’t any reason for her to hold back.
  2. One spouse controls the other’s orgasm. This is the form of edging where teasing comes into play. Whichever spouse is dominant (in that moment) stimulates the submissive spouse without allowing her to reach orgasm. Orgasm control is usually exercised in one of two ways.
    1. The dominant spouse varies the stimulation to prevent orgasm. This method uses physical control to keep the submissive spouse from reaching orgasm, no matter how hard she tries. The submissive spouse doesn’t have to control herself, and in fact you can even make a game out of trying to reach orgasm without tipping off the dominant spouse. For this method, the dominant spouse needs to be highly attuned to the other person’s sexual responsiveness cues in order to keep her right at the edge (especially if she’s really trying to go over).
    2. The dominant spouse withholds permission to orgasm. In this method of edging, the dominant spouse likely maintains a high level of stimulation and it’s the submissive spouse’s responsibility to refrain from orgasm until she receives permission. The dominant spouse still needs to read the submissive spouse’s cues and tailor the stimulation, but the game here is to to test just how obedient she can be while you stimulate her relentlessly.

So why would you want to experiment with edging in your marriage? Lots of reasons! Please allow me another list.

  1. Edging takes a long time. Yes, this is an advantage. Sexual encounters built around edging create an opportunity to invest a lot of time with your spouse. Quickies are great fast food, but an edging session can be a fabulous buffet. Why waste an hour or two watching television when you could spend the time making love with your spouse? Sure, you probably can’t do it every day when you have sex, but you can make time once a week to really pour yourself into your spouse’s sexuality.
  2. Edging helps you learn your spouse. Do you want to learn more about what your spouse physically likes? Edging will give you the opportunity to play with your spouse’s body and try out all sorts of things that you may not have time for when your primary goal is to just reach orgasm. You can watch how your spouse responds to every touch, and even learn what touches she prefers at varying levels or arousal. (Hint: the move that pushes her over the edge may not be the best way to get her to the edge in the first place.)
  3. Edging creates a fun power dynamic. It can be fun both to take control of your spouse and to give up control to your spouse, and edging creates an inherent power dynamic. Controlling your spouse’s orgasm can be a huge rush, as can be receiving the prolonged stimulation. I highly recommend trying both ends of the power dynamic.
  4. Edging can be the basis for many sex games. The gradual build-up from foreplay to stimulation to orgasm is a common element of many sex games. It’s super fun to ask your wife trivia questions or have her tell a sexy story and make her concentrate on her mental task while you eat her out.
  5. Edging leads to huge orgasms. The more you tease and delay, the stronger the ultimate orgasm tends to be. (Just don’t drag things out too long; you don’t want your spouse to get bored.)
  6. Edging can increase semen volume. If you want the husband to ejaculate more, make him work for it. Longer foreplay, including edging, means more semen when your husband ejaculates.
  7. Edging lets you hear your spouse beg for it. Nothing is sexier than enthusiasm, and nothing shows more enthusiasm than when your spouse pleads for an orgasm. For a husband, nothing is hotter than hearing your wife beg for penetration.

As for actual techniques, you’ll have to experiment with your spouse. For us, it’s a mixture of wand and egg vibrators, bondage, tongues, fingers, and genitals. Share your own tips, questions, and experiences in the comments!

Maybe you’ve heard of “choreplay”, but is it real? Can a wife really get more sex by doing more chores around the house? Yes, I can confirm choreplay is a real thing — watching Sexy Corte do chores in lingerie always turns me on. Well, that was a short post.

Oh wait, you want to know if choreplay works in the other direction? Does the sight of a husband doing chores get his wife all hot for him? According to Keelie, yes.

As far as fun turn ons…yeah…any guy that is standing at the sink doing dishes is gonna get it later. It doesn’t just have to be dishes, but a guy can do any chore that their wives don’t like.

To frame our discussion, I want to distinguish between two different phenomena.

  • Type 1: Implicit trading of chores for sex, wherein one spouse does more chores with the unspoken expectation that doing so will increase the other spouse’s sex drive.
  • Type 2: Explicit trading of chores for sex, wherein both spouses agree that the person doing some chore will receive sex in exchange.

Let’s talk about Type 1 first. Research shows that doing more chores can increase sexual frequency, as long as you’re doing the right chores.

Does the sight of men doing traditional female chores turn women off? A new study suggests that the more time men spend on household tasks, the less sex they have.

“Our findings suggest the importance of socialized gender roles for sexual frequency in heterosexual marriage,” lead author Sabino Kornrich, junior researcher at the Center for Advanced Studies at the Juan March Institute in Madrid, said in a press release. “Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks — such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance — report higher sexual frequency.”

Each individual husband, wife, and marriage are different of course, but if you want to increase sexual frequency by doing more chores then your best bet is do to chores that match your gender role. Husbands should do things like taking out the trash, fixing stuff, paying bills, and manual labor. Women should do the housework and take care of the kids.

So, Keelie appears to be wrong on average. In fact, a husband who does a lot of dishes is probably getting laid less then a husband who doesn’t. These kinds of effects are largely subconscious, and I doubt that many wives would know or admit that they’d want more sex if their husbands did less housework.

Couples in which women did all of the traditional female chores had sex 1.6 times more each month than couples in which men did all of those jobs. The more cooking and cleaning a husband did, the less sex the couple had; women’s cooking and cleaning was linked with more sex. Couples in which men did more traditional male chores also had more sex; it did not seem to matter if women did more or less of those chores.

If you want more sex, do more chores that match your gender role and fewer that don’t. If you increase the chores you do that don’t match your gender, you’ll end up having less sex than before.

So let’s talk about Type 2: explicit trading of chores for sex. For example, “if you clean up the kitchen tonight, I’ll give you a blowjob”. On some level, this kind of exchange probably makes some people uncomfortable, including me. Why?

  • It looks like prostitution.
  • Why should I have to earn sex?
  • Why should I have to give sex to get some help with chores?

I get all that, and I feel similarly. The sexual relationship between a husband and wife should be mutually edifying, loving, gracious, and sacrificial.

But, let’s be real for a second. If you ask your best friend to mow your lawn once, he’ll gladly say yes. If you ask him to do it every week, it’s only polite to offer something in return. If you need your lawn mowed right now, then you’re going to owe him a favor. These trades don’t negate your best-friendship, they strengthen it. They show your best friend that you value him, that you don’t want to take advantage of him, and that you’re grateful for his help.

Spouses are different than best friends, but I think the principles of maintaining a relationship still apply. You value your spouse. You don’t want to take advantage of your spouse. You’re grateful when your spouse helps you out. An explicit exchange demonstrates all this, and it greases the wheels of cooperation and affection. Aside from just more sex, you could also trade for some sex act that your spouse just doesn’t enjoy as much as you do.

Of course, not every chore or every sex act should be a negotiated exchange. However, if you’re laboring at an implicit exchange and it just isn’t working, why not be more explicit? Your spouse can’t read your mind; maybe she doesn’t know what you want. If you want something you’re not getting, offering a trade can open up lines of communication and possibly help the two of you to reach a mutually beneficial arrangement. Just remember to keep the relationship first!

And if your spouse asks you to do a chore that doesn’t match your gender, don’t expect to get extra sex unless it’s agreed to in advance.

Reader “T” writes:

My husband and I are recent empty-nesters and our sex lives have fallen into the predictable and stale category. He has given me hints over the years about certain things he would like to do with me but when I take him up on it, he starts backing off. For instance, he has always hinted that he wants to come in my mouth. I enjoy giving him head so this isn’t a problem for me. What IS a problem is that giving head stimulates me so much that I am usually begging for penetration after a few minutes.

The last time he asked for a blow job, I said, “what happens afterward? I will be miserable with desire and you will be finished.”

He said, “Well, we’ll have to find something else to use for penetration then.”

I took him up on that and suggested that we could look for something together but he acted almost stunned that I would consider using something else besides his penis. On other occasions, he has made comments about spanking me. I would love this but when I said I would like to explore that option, he clammed up. There are lots of other things I would love to do for him and to him but he seems to think that I would be using him with no love involved. We’ve had that discussion. I tell him I love him every day at least once and we’ve been together 37 years. What more can I do? I told him that to me true intimacy is being able to trust a person to the point where you can share your deepest desires and fantasies.

My husband is still very hot to me. He is very handsome and fit. He has always had great genes physically. His pecs, shoulders, back, arms, and butt still make me drool. He is built far better still, than men half his age. He is 60 and I see much younger women eyeballing him whenever we are out. Most people think we are in our mid 40s (lucky us). We have both started taking bio-identical hormones which has increased our libidos and performance but he still doesn’t seem to have the desire that I do. When I let him know that I want him, he seems uncomfortable.

He does occasionally have trouble keeping it up during intercourse. He says he gets distracted but won’t say why. All I know is that here we both are with an empty house where I can moan and scream all I want to and he seems mostly disinterested. We have had kids in the home for 33 years and now that they are gone I want to renew the adventure in our sex lives. I don’t know what to do. Should I just leave him alone and let him think awhile or just drop it altogether?

Thanks for the email! And congratulations on 37 years of marriage, that is amazing! I definitely don’t think you should stop pursuing an awesome sex life. I know in my marriage I have gone through periods of lower libido. It is discouraging in those times because I wanted to want sex! I was surprised by how much having an open, honest conversation with my husband helped. He really tried to understand what I was going through, and we talked about how to help it improve. If your husband doesn’t feel comfortable talking about intimacy, try bringing up the things you want to try during intimate moments.

Right after sex can be a great time to have a positive discussion about your sex life. You could try saying something like, “I really liked it when you did this… maybe next time we could try this….” It could be that your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure. You could try telling him what he does do that really satisfies you so that he is secure in his ability to please you. Keep the conversation positive and focus on what you like. I will pray for you as you navigate this season of your sex life.

As far as him coming in your mouth, I do understand what you mean about desiring penetration. I find sex more fulfilling when I orgasm with El Fury inside me. But, it is fun to change things up a bit. We have a move we call Old Faithful that we use mostly for foreplay, but sometimes we both orgasm during this move. Basically, I position myself so that I can give EF oral sex while he can play with me with his hand. He can occasionally penetrate me with his fingers while he rubs me. It’s not the same as his penis, of course, but it still feels really good. When we both climax this way, he brings me to orgasm first. He always talks about how sexy it is when I come with his penis in my mouth. It doesn’t take long after I orgasm for him to do the same.

And “T” wrote back:

Thank you Sexy Corte, it helps to know that there are those out there who understand. A lot of what has happened to my libido lately is because of the recent revelation that I’ve had about what a Biblical marriage allows in the marriage bed. We have always been highly appreciative of sex but because of religious taboos, I put out the fire on my adventurous nature concerning sex. After much study and also discovering several blogs on Christian marriage, my views about pleasuring each other have changed drastically. Now I can be on fire at a moments notice. I just don’t think he’s there yet.

You said, “It could be your husband feels like he isn’t fulfilling you in a way and that’s why he seems uncomfortable with your desire for more adventure.” I think you are right. I had that conversation with him last night after reading a blog about what excites women during sex. I told him that as a woman, knowing that he desires me is the biggest part of the turn-on….not simply him going through the motions because he knows I’m horny. I told him that if that was all I wanted, I could have bought a dildo years ago and been perfectly happy. I think he is starting to understand that I want HIM….the whole package, not just a penis. I did purchase some toys to pleasure him with. I am hoping that as I introduce things to give him pleasure, he will see that I am not “using” him, I am “enjoying” him. Thank you for your prayers and your advice as we experiment our way through new territory.

Thanks for the follow-up email. We hope your sex life is as awesome, adventurous, and amazing as God intends!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Sexy Corte and I are fans of Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages”. We first read the book when we were engaged, and we’ve frequently discussed the ideas in the book in the years since. We’ve gotten a lot of value from the concept of love languages both in our marriage and as we’ve been raising our children.

For those who aren’t familiar with the idea, it’s basically this: each person has a primary love language that they use to both give and receive love. If you learn a person’s love language, you’ll be better able to show him your love and recognize when he is showing love to you. We can learn to give and receive love in languages other than our primary language, if we put some effort into it. The give love languages that Chapman identifies are:

  • Words of affirmation.
  • Acts of service.
  • Receiving gifts.
  • Physical touch. (Not primarily sexual.)
  • Quality time.

(Side note: your love language is also probably the language you use to hurt someone else, and it’s the language that can hurt you the most. This is especially important to recognize when dealing with your spouse and children.)

So what does this have to do with sex? If you want to please your spouse sexually, do it in her love language! This is probably most applicable during foreplay, but the major themes can be carried through a whole sexual encounter. If you want to turn your spouse on in her love language, here are some ideas.

  • Words of affirmation. Talk dirty to her. Tell her how much you love her and want her. Tell her how sexy she is and what you want to do with her body. Tell him how big his penis is, how you can’t wait to feel it inside you. Tell him how your body quivers when he touches you. Pass him secret messages all day to build anticipation for the night. Use words to build up your spouse and communicate your passion and desire.
  • Acts of service. Ask your husband how he wants to make love tonight — tell him you’re up for anything. Tell him your body is his, he just has to take it. Offer him his favorite activity without being asked. Tell your wife that you want to focus on her pleasure tonight. Ask her how she wants to warm up and how she wants to orgasm. Add some sexuality to otherwise mundane acts of service, like a topless haircut. Let your spouse know that you want to use your body for their pleasure — how can I please you?
  • Receiving gifts. Give your wife a sneak peak of the new toy that just came in the mail. Tell your husband that you bought him a present — and you’re already wearing it under your clothes. Surprise your spouse with a sexy picture of yourself or a new lovemaking music mix. Give your husband the remote control for your vibrator when you arrive at the restaurant. Give your spouse something erotic that tells them you’ve been thinking of them.
  • Physical touch. Give your wife a massage — start clothed and gradually improve the situation. Take a bath or shower together and wash each other. Rub your hips against your husband as you kiss him when he gets home from work. Sit on his lap and spread your legs, take his hand and put it on your inner thigh. When you can tell he’s getting turned on, rub his erection through his pants and smile. Grab your wife by the hips when you kiss her.  Touch her hair, neck, lower back, and hip bones. Slip your fingers under her clothes. Spank her butt when she walks by. Hold hands. Make out. Let your hands linger a little longer than usual.
  • Quality time. This one may be the easiest, because you can do any of the things above and invest time to make it an activity with your spouse. Be alone together in your sex room. Make time to have sex in different places, and different ways. Plan an elaborate sex scenario. Do some edging.Tell your wife a sexy story. Play with your husband while you watch TV. Play a sex game together. The important thing is to set aside all your other responsibilities and give your spouse your devoted time and attention.

As you read through this list, if one of the bullets really hit home with you and you thought “yes, this is exactly what I want my spouse to do!”, then tell your spouse! It’s also important to recognize that your spouse’s love language will probably be different than your own. Discover what language your spouse uses, and then make an effort to show love in that language. Our natural inclination is to show love in our language, but then we get frustrated when our spouse doesn’t appreciate it as much as we think they should.

For a recent special occasion Sexy Corte wore some amazing lingerie while she prepared a fantastic steak dinner, and it was about the hottest thing ever. My love language is acts of service; SC always takes great care of me, but there was something super-erotic about watching her perform a mundane, domestic task like cooking while wearing her come-f-me garter belt and teasing me relentlessly.

If you take the time to learn your spouse’s primary love language you’ll be surprised at how much it helps your communication, and your sex life. What about you? How do you and your spouse use your love languages to enhance your sex life? Leave a comment!

The first half of Proverbs chapter 5 contains warnings against adultery — what will happen if you succumb to temptation. The second half of the chapter, verses 5:15-23 are an exhortation to delight in the joy and sexuality of your marriage. The imagery is beautiful and erotic, which shouldn’t be surprising since it was written by King Solomon.

Drink water from your own cistern,
    flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad,
    streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone,
    and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
    a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
    be intoxicated always in her love.
Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
    and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?

The encouragement here is directed at husbands, and the first metaphor is the wife as a fountain overflowing with fresh water. Why would a man drink from another person’s well, when his own is overflowing? Likewise, why would he share refreshment that is meant for him with another? Water sustains, refreshes, and purifies. A husband’s desire for his wife is like a man trudging through a desert who comes home to an oasis.

Then the husband is reminded of the love he had for his wife in their youth, when the first blush of romance was fresh on their hearts. Both husband and wife have matured over the years and experienced all the ups and downs of life, successes and disappointments, children, illnesses, separation, reunion, hopes and fears. They’ve fought and made up, surprised each other, lifted each other up, and let each other down.

The relationship is far more complex now than it was when you first met, but remember the joy you felt when you first kissed! Remember the excitement of your first all-night conversation, when you shared your hopes and dreams with each other. Remember when you proposed, got married, and first made love. Don’t let the passage of time steal your joy.

Instead of fantasizing about some forbidden fruit, be intoxicated by your spouse’s body! And on the flip-side, intoxicate your spouse with your body. The responsibility goes both ways! Husbands, if you don’t put in the work to learn your wife and give her orgasms, how can she be intoxicated? Wives, if your husband rarely gets to see or touch your breasts, how can he be filled with delight?

You are each other’s fountains! Be a flood, not a trickle.

(Side note: what young Christian man hasn’t been filled with longing by verse 19? “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight.” Yes, please.)

And the final three verses of the chapter are again words of warning. Which would you prefer? Joy and delight, or aimless wandering and ultimately death?

For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord,
    and he ponders all his paths.
The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him,
    and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.
He dies for lack of discipline,
    and because of his great folly he is led astray.