El Fury and I started reading “Sheet Music”. The book starts out describing a married couple that used to have sexual difficulty. The problem was that the wife wanted more sexual variety, and her husband was mis-reading her signals. After the husband went to counseling, a light came on, and now they have a fantastic sex life. However, they spent the first 15 years of their marriage not enjoying mediocre sex!

Communicate! It is startling that many people aren’t able to communicate about sex with their spouse. You are already naked, vulnerable, making strange noises, in awkward positions. This is not the time to be shy! If at one point during that 15 years the wife would have said “ooo, that feels good” or “why don’t we try it this way?” Or perhaps the husband could have asked “how does this feel?” or “where do you want me to touch you?” Something so simple could have made that 15 years sexually awesome!

Be bold! The more you communicate, the more comfortable it is to talk about. Being explicit with each other can be a big turn on too.

Stay tuned. I’m sure we will post more as we read more of “Sheet Music”.

Athol Kay writes a lot about alpha and beta behaviors in the marriage relationship, and especially the need to find a balance. Women are often attracted to the “bad boy” alphas, but pure alpha behavior doesn’t make for a stable long-term relationship. On the other hand, pure-beta behavior just isn’t attractive to anyone, and if it leads to stability in a marriage it will be a stable equilibrium of a frustrated, dominant wife and a frustrated, sex-deprived husband. As a husband, you have to put some strategic thought into selecting your beta behaviors.

Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.

What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.

It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.

This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.

I’ve got a lot more to say about “the five love languages” at a later point, so stay tuned!

Let’s face it: it’s difficult and awkward to have sex in the car. Sexy Corte and I don’t do it very often, but when we have it has been quite memorable. Several months ago we dropped our kids off with a friend for a quick “date night” to grab some ice cream for an hour, and we ended up making love in the car on a dead-end spur off a major road near our house. Every time we drive past the road it makes us laugh and turns us on.

So car sex can be difficult, but it’s worth it! Here are some tips:

  1. Keep some lube and wipes in the car. The best thing about lube is that it lets you be more spontaneous and a little quicker… although doing it in a semi-public place gets Sexy Corte pretty wet anyway. Baby wipes are handy for clean-up.
  2. A skirt or dress makes sex in the car a lot more convenient. Skirts and dresses are great for spontaneous quickies in any circumstance, but one of the most awkward parts of car sex is getting your clothes out of the way. A skirt or dress minimizes this problem.
  3. Putting your wife on top is one of the easiest car sex positions available. You can sit in a seat, slide your butt out a little, and then your wife can straddle you pretty easily, forwards or backwards. This position will let you play with her clit while she rides you and should be fun for everyone.
  4. The lean-over blow job is one of the best car sex positions. The name describes it all: your wife simply leans over into your lap and sucks you off. I don’t recommend doing this while you’re driving, but… we have, and it was pretty awesome. But don’t do it, it’s dangerous.
  5. Go to the back. If you have a van or SUV then you’ve got plenty of space to try just about any position imaginable. If your car is smaller, you may struggle to get into missionary position in the back seat, but you’ll have better luck with doggie-style.

Tell us about a time and place you’ve done it in your car!  Do you have any tips to share?

In addition to El Fury’s post about the Master Bedroom being the Sex Room, I wanted to add a few other thoughts. There are other ways in which we make this room our Sex Room.

Having nightstands with drawers gives us a lot of concealed storage for various sex props. We keep a lot of toys, fun books, lube, etc. in our nightstands. It’s nice to have these things readily accessible in the heat of the moment.

I think our bedroom looks sexy too. We picked out the bedding and the furniture together, so it’s our room. We try to keep it tidy too, so at least for me, when I walk into our bedroom I don’t think about what I need to do to clean it up. I think about what I want to do, or about what I liked doing.

I’ve heard that for most women, sex starts long before sex actually starts. There are two things that definitely make me anticipate sexy time with El Fury more.

  1. Flirting. I absolutely love it when my husband flirts with me. It makes me feel like I did when we are first dating. I get all giggly and melty. It doesn’t take much effort, but it makes the mood of whatever we are doing that much better. Little things like a wink, a pat on the rear or playful banter help us make small connections during the day that turn me on for alone time later.
  2. Conversation. I love talking to my husband. Especially when I can get lost in our conversation. Most of the time it is easy to get caught up in talking about schedules, tasks, the kids. That’s part of the business of having a family. But, it’s important to talk about other things! We try to find interesting things to talk about that make the conversation exciting. El Fury and I listen to podcasts, or talk about books we are reading. Even if we only get to talk while exercising or going somewhere in the car, it’s very sexy to be interested or to feel interesting.

Foreplay doesn’t have to be physical to get you in the mood. What do other spouses do to connect outside the bedroom?

Sexy Corte and I have a lot of married friends who are shocked and surprised when they learn that we always lock our bedroom door at night. It seems that most of our peers not only keep their doors unlocked, but often sleep with their doors open or with their kids in the sex bed!

This is wrong. How are you going to get it on when kids can burst in any any time? Or when kids are in bed with you? The master bedroom is a place of intimacy, privacy, and sexual abandon!  It’s your pleasure garden. The kids need to be kept out.

You need to think of your master bedroom as the sex room. Sure, you should have sex all over the house when possible, but if you have kids then most of the time you’ll be getting it on in your sex room. Your bed is the sex bed. In the sex room, sex can happen at any time. The sex bed is for doing dirty deeds with your spouse, not cuddling your kids.

Your kids should rarely enter the sex room, and certainly not without permission. If you’re in the sex room, you should be either preparing to have sex, actually having sex, or half-conscious from amazing sex. (Or asleep, I guess.) You don’t want your kids walking in on that, do you?

Most of sex is mental and emotional, not physical. If you think of your bedroom as your sex room, guess what? Your mind and emotions will shift to make it true. Guard your intimacy and your privacy with your spouse, because if you don’t respect them then your kids certainly won’t.

We love guacamole, and love to make guacamole. It used to be an elaborate process, involving a multitude of fresh ingredients, such as salsa, cilantro, parmesan, and for a little extra kick, serrano peppers. One particular night, El Fury made this concoction. We ate, we enjoyed, and then we relaxed on the couch watching a show.

After a while we must have gotten distracted because we started kissing, which led to other things. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination, but I felt a nice warmth. It wasn’t long before that nice warmth turned into a soft burn, and then what felt like a raging fire in my lady bits. Needless to say, the mood went straight from sexy to “make it stop!” pretty quick. I awkwardly ran upstairs and jumped in the shower. Seeing as the burning was coming from inside me, this didn’t really help all that much. El Fury helped by washing his hands then standing nearby asking for status updates.

If anyone has ever cooked with chiles, you know the oil doesn’t really wash off, it just takes time to come off. So was the case with my lady bits. After a while the burn cooled to a simmer, then subsided completely. When the incident was fresh I felt pretty wounded. After some time passed, we started to laugh about it, and eventually it became one of our favorite sex stories, even though we didn’t even have sex that night!

I did learn that sex can be funny! That’s the amazing thing about sex with your spouse, nothing is embarrassing. It’s not always perfect, and the imperfect times can give you something to laugh about. Has anyone else had a run-in with chiles? Or have any funny sex stories?

Should you spank your wife?  Of course!  I highly recommend it.  Sex starts long before penetration, and spanking is a fun way to build sexual tension.  Spanking is a power move, a move of possession, and a not-so-subtle way for you as the husband to prime the sexual pump and set expectations.  A smack on the ass says you are my woman, prepare to be boarded.

So how to do it right?

  • I love to pat Sexy Corte’s butt whenever it is in reach.  She has a fantastic rear, and I feel like it deserves to be touched and admired. These love-taps are pretty expected by now, to the point where I sometimes catch myself doing them in public.  Haven’t had a complaint yet!
  • When there’s time for a kiss, you can escalate with a spank.  This always gets a friendly wiggle and purr.  Feel free to grab a cheek while you’re down there if the kiss lingers.
  • If you really want to get your wife’s attention, spank her a bit harder so she jumps and lets out an “oh!”  If she turns back to you with a how dare you look (real or pretend) just smile and say something naughty.  “I have got to have that ass later tonight.”

Spanking as foreplay works great, especially when it’s an unexpected surprise.  Spanking is also a great accent move for when you’re having sex, but it doesn’t work in Missionary Position.  Here are some ideas:

  • Wife on top.  No matter which way she’s facing you should be able to work in a few spanks just as she’s reaching orgasm.
  • Doggy-style gives you clear access to your target, and this is already a powerful position for the husband. Avoid the temptation to go overboard.
  • Wife standing, bent over.  This position is great for quickies, and a spank is great for getting a reaction if your wife is trying to be quiet because you’re being naughty in a semi-public place.

Arousal and orgasm generally increase a woman’s pain threshold, and she might enjoy a little more force when you’re in the throes of passion.  As always, communicate.

Do you and your spouse spank?  Got any tips to share?

Update, this evening:

After getting the kids out of the tub, Sexy Corte caught me in our room getting ready to shower.  She said “how about a quickie?” so I laid on the floor and she started riding me.  She must have liked this post because she said, “Don’t forget to spank me!”  Solid.

We recently went through a marriage class at our church that focuses on 7 areas of marriage and how to improve each area. These are topics such as communication, money, conflict, etc. Surprisingly, we found the topic of sexual intimacy to be the best. We have found that this topic in Christian circles can be awkward or only lightly touched on. We were excited to come away from this meeting with lots of good thoughts to discuss. Here are some of the key points:

  • Sex is a gift from God to be experienced inside of marriage. It is meant for physical and emotional pleasure.
  • Men and women are different. We have different drives, different ways of being aroused, different needs. Be a student of your spouse. Learn what each other likes! Talk about it, pay attention to their response in the bedroom, show each other.
  • Communicate about sex! The more you talk about sex with each other, the easier it is to talk about. Praise on another when they do something right. Keep changing and growing. There are lots of ways to spice things up, be open to trying new things!
  • Guard your sex life! Make it a priority.

How often should you and your spouse have sex? From the Bible, the answer is basically “as often as your spouse wants”. Here’s the most directly relevant passage; check it out, and then we’ll talk about “conjugal rights” other than sex.

1 Corinthians 7:1-7

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The literal interpretation of this passage is pretty clear: your spouse is entitled to “conjugal rights”… but what does that mean? It’s more than sex.

In addition to exclusive sexual relations, conjugal rights also include affection and companionship, shared property, presumed legitimacy of offspring, co-habitation, domestic and labor services, and affinity with your spouse’s family. The Greek word is opheilē and it refers to a an obligation or a debt that is owed to another. When we choose to get married, we voluntarily take on this obligation to our spouse. If we deprive our spouses of these rights we are in sin and need to repent.

Let’s also consider the use of the word “authority” in this passage. The Greek word here is exousiazō, and it means exactly what you think: “to have power”, “to be master”. You are the master of your spouse’s body, and your spouse is the master of your body. When you got married, you gave up control of your body to your spouse.

Now, this should be obvious but I’ll say it anyway: God expects you to use your authority in a Christlike manner.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

There is no place for coercion or manipulation in a Christlike marriage, only for mutual self-sacrifice and love.