Best Christian Sex Links of the Week 1

Before you talk about sex, work on yourself — with your spouse or your kids.

Blackout Fellatio Technique — wife, blindfold your husband so you won’t be nervous about him watching you.

5 ways for busy wives and moms to feel more sensual — these will all work for men too!

Three great posts from The Forgiven Wife!

12 ways to make good sex even better — here are some ideas for enhancing intimacy during sex.

You can have hot sex in your marriage without it being pornographicporn didn’t invent anything.

“I hate sex, but I’m trying to like it” — great advice for a wife who is doing some hard work to develop her sexuality.

How do you stay interested in sex with your spouse over the long term? — it’s sadly common for spouses to lose interest if they don’t work to maintain it.

Give him signal — wife, you can be more interesting than the internet or any other woman your husband sees.

Noticing is not lustinglust is a deliberate act.

The 7 (Sex) Habits: #2 Begin With the End in Mind 2

Today we’re going to take a look at the second habit in our series, The 7 (Sex) Habits of Highly Successful People.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind is based on imagination — the ability to envision in your mind what you cannot at present see with your eyes. It is based on the principle that all things are created twice. There is a mental (first) creation, and a physical (second) creation. The physical creation follows the mental, just as a building follows a blueprint. If you don’t make a conscious effort to visualize who you are and what you want in life, then you empower other people and circumstances to shape you and your life by default.

What do you want your sex life with your spouse to be like? Forget about fear, rejection, apathy, disappointment, busyness, and any other obstacles… if your sex life with your spouse were unbelievably amazing what would it look like? Be honest with yourself!

Maybe it’s difficult or painful to envision your “perfect sex life” because it seems so far from reality. We get emails from people all the time who are frustrated and disappointed with the sex in their marriage and are looking for help.

Or maybe your sex life is pretty good… but could it be even better? Do you have some unmet desire that you haven’t mustered the courage to share with your spouse yet? Or maybe you know that your spouse has given up on achieving her deepest desires because you’ve been holding back.

If either of these paragraphs describes your marital sex life, then this habit is for you! But before you can hit your target, you need to decide what you’re going to aim at.

So how do you pick a target? The rest of this post will describe a method for creating a Marital Sex Life Vision that will represent the target you and your spouse will aim for in your sex life. Here are a few Bible verses that talk about the value of setting goals, and remind us to rely on God’s purposes even while we plan.

But he who is noble plans noble things, and on noble things he stands.

Isaiah 32:8

The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.

Proverbs 21:5

So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him.

2 Corinthians 5:9

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’”

Luke 14:28-30

(If your sex life — or marriage — are in a bad state right now, you might be tempted to think something like “I just wish he’d never touch me again” — if that’s you, then this exercise probably won’t be of much benefit right now. For the purpose of this post we’re going to assume that both spouses want to have an unbelievably amazing sex life together. Otherwise see: “When All Else Fails, Try Tears”.)

Each spouse should begin separately, by writing down the elements of his or her Individual Sex Life Vision. Below is a list of topics your vision might address. Think of these items from the perspective of, “if our sex life were unbelievably amazing….” Don’t worry about being realistic — aim high!

Feel free to use any format you want for your vision — as you know, we like making lists with bullet points! The post “How to Talk About Sex Before You Get Married” has more ideas you can include in your vision. Write as much as you can, and then spend a little time editing it down. You may decide that some elements aren’t important enough to include, or you may realize that you forgot something critical.

Now each spouse has an Individual Sex Life Vision! Great work. Each of you has something concrete to use when you’re talking about your sex life together. These Visions are fantastic personal tools that you can update over time as your desires and expectations change, and as you refine your thinking. They aren’t cast in stone, so feel free to revisit them periodically.

The next step is to share your Individual Sex Life Vision with your spouse. Take turns sharing your thoughts, and be careful not to interrupt or be dismissive. This is an intimate process, and your spouse is showing great vulnerability by sharing his or her vision. There’s no need to react while your spouse is sharing — just listen.

Now get a new piece of paper to begin documenting your Marital Sex Life Vision. After you’ve shared your individual visions, each element will fall into one of three categories.

  • Agreement. Yay! Your visions are aligned. Write these items down in your Marital Sex Life Vision and underline them.
  • Disagreement. It shouldn’t be surprising if your visions aren’t completely aligned, so don’t be discouraged. You didn’t marry a clone of yourself! Write down areas of disagreement by indicating the desires of both spouses in the Marital Sex Life Vision and put a star next to them. These are items to negotiate over later.
  • Unsure. There might be elements in one spouse’s vision that the other spouse just isn’t sure about. Write these down in the Marital Sex Life Vision with a question mark next to them along with initial of the spouse who is unsure. The initialed spouse “owns” this question mark.

Depending on how many stars and question marks you have on your Marital Sex Life Vision, you might want to take a break. You’ve already done a lot of work just getting to this point, so don’t feel compelled to finish this exercise all in one sitting. Each spouse might need to think about the areas of disagreement, and particularly any question marks that belong to him or her.

When you’re ready to continue, the first thing to do is deal with the question marks. Each question mark should be resolved by the spouse who owns it. If the owner now agrees with the vision element created by the other spouse, remove the question mark and underline the element. You’re done — it’s a new area of agreement. If the owner decides that he or she disagrees, then they should write down their vision for that element along with a star — you’ve got another area to negotiate.

Now it’s time for the negotiation, but the good news is that you’ve already done some of the hard work. The steps to a successful negotiation are:

  1. Know what you want. Done!
  2. Say what you want. Done!
  3. Compromise to reach an acceptable agreement.
  4. Be content to receive what you agreed to accept.

You did the first two steps when you wrote your Individual Sex Life Visions, so it’s time for step three. For each element of disagreement, you’re going to have to talk about your vision:

  • Are there any parts that are not essential?
  • What are you willing to give to get what you want? This can mean compromising on one vision element to gain more on another.
  • How can you bless your spouse by giving him or her something they want?

Remember: the point of negotiation isn’t to convince the other person that your desire is better! You don’t need to change your spouse’s mind in order to reach an acceptable agreement. In fact, negotiations often break down because both parties get so focused on changing the other’s mind that they get angry and frustrated.

For example, let’s say that Spouse A wants to have sex every day, and Spouse B wants to have sex once a week. It would be easy to argue about who is “right” and which is “better” for the marriage, but it’s unlikely that either spouse will genuinely be convinced. So just skip all that. Recognize that each spouse wants what they want, the desires are legitimate, and you don’t have to want the same thing. You’re trying to reach an acceptable agreement! If “about three times a week” is acceptable to both spouses, then they can agree to that without either spouse changing their individual vision.

Negotiation is tough, and sometimes it’s hard to resist the urge to give up everything you want in order to avoid conflict. Similarly, it can be tempting to push your spouse to give up her vision in favor of your own. Being loving doesn’t mean being a push-over, and it doesn’t mean “winning” at the expense of your spouse. Give a little, get a little, and show Christlike love.

It may surprise you to learn that there are several passages in the Bible that talk about negotiation, and particularly the importance of honesty and fairness in the process.

Honest scales and balances belong to the Lord; all the weights in the bag are of his making.

Proverbs 16:11

Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be.”

Genesis 29:15

Then Araunah said to David, “Let my lord the king take and offer up what seems good to him. Here are the oxen for the burnt offering and the threshing sledges and the yokes of the oxen for the wood. All this, O king, Araunah gives to the king.” And Araunah said to the king, “May the Lord your God accept you.” But the king said to Araunah, “No, but I will buy it from you for a price. I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing.” So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.

2 Samuel 24:18-25

Hopefully you’re able to reach agreements that are acceptable to both of you on all your starred items. (If not, come back to them in a day or two and negotiate some more.) Write your agreements down on the Marital Sex Life Vision and erase the starred individual elements that led to the negotiation. These agreements are now part of your Marital Sex Life Vision, and it’s time for perhaps the hardest part of negotiation:

Be content to receive what you agreed to accept. The Marital Sex Life Vision isn’t permanent, but we suggest that you try living with it for a while before reopening any negotiations (at least six months). Update your Individual Sex Life Vision as often as you like, but do your honest best to live up to and accept the agreements that you made in your Marital Sex Life Vision. If you’re having trouble being content, recognize that the shared vision is probably very close to the best possible arrangement you can make with your spouse (as long as you were both acting in good-faith throughout the process).

Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of a gift he does not give.

Proverbs 25:14

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

Matthew 5:37

Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?

Amos 3:3

You didn’t get exactly what you wanted, and neither did your idiot, short-sighted, unimaginative, selfish, lazy spouse. I’m kidding of course! You’ll never convince your spouse to want exactly what you want, nor vice versa. Now that the two of you have negotiated acceptable agreements and created a Marital Sex Life Vision, it’s time to move forward and make this vision a reality — which will be the topic of the next post in this series: Put First Things First.

Do you and your spouse have a shared vision for your sex life? Do you know the target you’re aiming at? Leave a comment and let us know.

How to Create Your Sexual Bucket List and Share It With Your Spouse 3

A survey of 2,000 sexually active American adults has revealed the top activities that are on our sexual bucket lists. (It’s a little hard to read, but that’s the best image I could find.)

How to Create Your Sexual Bucket List and Share It With Your Spouse 4

It may not surprise you that the bucket lists for men and women are different, but there are five overlapping wishes! Both men and women say they want to:

It’s surprising to me that three bondage-related activities make the top-10 for women (being tied-up, being handcuffed, and being blindfolded) while zero make the top-10 for men. We’ve written several posts about bondage, and they’re some of our most popular.

Husband: if you want to try bondage but have been embarrassed to bring it up with your wife, these bucket lists indicate that you might be in for a fun surprise!

The only items on these top-10 lists that are off-limits for Christians are threesomes and one night stands.

So, now that you’ve read the results from this survey you’re probably thinking, how can I use this? Here are a few ideas.

  • Show the bucket lists above to your spouse. Talk about what’s on each list, and maybe it will open up a dialog between the two of you that reveals some new activities you’d both enjoy — or at least be willing to try!
  • Create your own bucket lists. You and your spouse can create your own top-10 lists to share with each other. If you need inspiration, check out our “Would You Rather?” sex game — it has dozens of activities you can talk about, accept, or reject. If you’re too shy for that, you can use an online sex questionnaire that hides any mismatched ideas from your spouse to avoid embarrassment.
  • Roll the dice. After you’ve made your bucket lists, put the the items in a hat or roll dice to randomly select an activity to do together. Add the items to your sexy jenga list!
  • Check things off. If you’re like us, the best thing about a list is getting to check things off. If you do one bucket list item each week you’ll be amazed at how fast you’re trying new things.
  • Talk about it afterwards. After you check off one of your items, talk about it together. Did you enjoy it? Would you do it again? How could it be more fun next time? Maybe it’s a once-a-month activity, or only for special occasions, or maybe you want to do it again right away!

What’s on your sexual bucket list? Inspire the rest of us by leaving your ideas in the comments.

For Female Arousal, Excitement Is Better than Relaxation 5

Dr. Cindy M. Meston from the University of Texas at Austin explains that the key to female sexual arousal is excitement, not relaxation.

“For years we were told, ‘Have a bubble bath, calm down, listen to relaxing music, do deep breathing exercises, chill out before sex,'” she says.

“But my research shows the opposite, that you actually want to get women in an active state.

“So, you can run around the block with your partner and get them to chase you around the block, or watch a scary movie together, ride a roller-coaster together, even a good comedy act. If you really get laughing, you’re going to have a sympathetic activation response.”

Meston is talking about the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for subconscious muscle contractions that get us ready for the flight or fight mode, like heart rate and blood pressure. She has found that if this system is activated before sex it will help women respond more intensely and more quickly.

Paul Byerly at The XY Code has a great story about excitement:

I recall a time when Lori thought I had fallen off a cliff (I had not). We went home and had really good sex. Now I know the reason for that was the adrenaline running through her system. Likewise, this is why teenage boys used to like to take a girl to a scary movie; their chances of something sexual in the back seat of the car were much better after such a movie.

We write a lot about games, activities, and novelty on our blog because they create excitement! Wives tend to be sexually responsive and usually don’t even realize when they’re becoming aroused!

Men’s subjective ratings of arousal were in agreement with their body’s level of sexual arousal about 66 percent of the time, while women’s were in line only about 26 percent of the time.

“The general pattern that I have seen in my laboratory is that women experience a genital response but do not report feeling sexually aroused,” Chivers told LiveScience.

Husbands and wives should both ponder that statistic for a while: a woman’s body often gets aroused before her mind does, and she won’t even notice.

Do you want to kick up the intensity of your sex life? Here are a few ideas from previous posts:

How do you get your sympathetic nervous system revved up? Leave a comment and let us know!

Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 6

I finally understand why chicks did motorcycles: built-in vibrating seats. Yep, that’s right, you can install a vibrator directly into the passenger seat of your bike to give your wife quite an exciting ride.

Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 7

Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 8

(And apparently there are vibrating bicycle seats too?)

Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 9

Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 10

But why should motorcycle riders have all the fun? When I saw these products I realized that it would be pretty easy to replicate the experience in our sensible sedan. If you or your spouse are just a little bit handy with electricity it’s simple to build your own 12-volt car-powered over-the-clothes vibrator!

Here are the three parts you need to buy — all easily available from eBay or other online sources for under $20 total.

  1. 12-volt male plug (for cigarette lighter).
    Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 11
  2. 12-volt dimmer knob.
    Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 12
  3. 12-volt vibrating massage motor (Uxcell is the most likely brand). I suggest getting a motor that includes the plastic housing, seen below.
    Build Your Own 12-Volt Car-Powered Over-The-Clothes Vibrator 13

Once you have all the parts, assembling the device is pretty easy. For car use I didn’t install the vibrator into the seat — you don’t straddle a car seat like you do a motorcycle seat, so that positioning wouldn’t be ideal anyway. You’ll need some wire-cutters (or needle-nose pliers) and a small screwdriver.

  1. Measure your distance. How far will the vibrator need to reach from your cigarette lighter to the wife’s lady bits? Make sure to leave some slack, but you don’t want too much wire or you’ll get a tangled mess. You should also decide where you want the dimmer knob located, so you need to decide on length for the wires from the plug to the knob, and from the knob to the motor.
  2. Cut the wires. And strip 1/4 inch of insulation from the tips of each wire so you can install them into the knob switch.
  3. Install the wires into the knob switch. Use a small screwdriver to install your four wires into the receptacles on the knob switch. For DC (direct current) power, red wires are positive/+ and black wires are negative/-.
  4. Test. Plug it in, turn on the car, and make sure it works. When you turn the knob the motor should modulate its power. If it doesn’t work, make sure your wiring is correct — is the metal of each wire in contact with the metal in its switch receptacle? Are reds in positive and blacks in negative? If your wiring is right and it still doesn’t work you may have a defective part.
  5. Bundle the wires. If you have pairs of loose wires you can bundle them together to neaten things up. Use small zip ties and/or electrician tape to protect the pairs of wires and hold them together to reduce tangles.

Your new car toy has two incredible benefits:

  1. Over-the clothes power. The 12-volt motor should be much more powerful than a battery-operated vibrator! This means the wife doesn’t need to get undressed to use it — it can reach through her clothes! You know we’re a fan of using a wireless remote vibrator that tucks into Sexy Corte’s panties, and it’s great for when we’re walking around, in a restaurant, or in a theater, but it also requires advanced preparation. She has to put the vibrator in her panties before we leave, and it can be awkward to reposition because it’s buried under layers of clothes. You can’t use this car vibrator walking around, but when you’re using it in the car you don’t need to mess with the wife’s clothes.
  2. Infinite duration. As long as you’ve got gas in the car you’ve got vibration! The wireless remote vibrator we use can go for around 45 minutes, but this car vibrator never runs out of juice. You can use it in tons of ways: coming and going from your date; park and play while the wife performs oral; on a road trip (keep quiet and put a movie on in back!); the wife can build up sexual tension with edging while she drives home from work or the store; the husband can tease her by controlling the knob. Limitless fun!

We hope you enjoy this project. Leave a comment and tell us what you think, especially if you build a car vibrator for yourself!

Sleep Naked and Wake up Early 14

Sleep and sex really seem to complement each other, and not just because you’re likely to do them in the same place. If you want to sleep better and have more and better sex, try sleeping naked and waking up early.

First, the health benefits of sleeping naked. We’ve written about why you should sleep naked (and almost naked) before, and this article has some science that might convince you.

1. You’ll fall asleep faster.

2. You’ll sleep better.

3. You’ll improve your relationship.

4. You’ll reduce stress and anxiety.

5. You’ll have more sex.

6. You’ll improve your vaginal health.

7. You may lose weight.

8. You’ll look younger.

9. You’ll boost your self-esteem.

Second, we recently wrote about setting your alarm for morning sex, so we’re not at all surprised to read that early-risers have more sex than people who sleep in.

 

The survey of 2,000 Americans, split evenly between self-identified early birds and night owls, found that early birds have more sex per week, on average, than their late-night counterparts.

The survey shows early-risers have sex an average of three times per week, compared to twice per week for late-risers — an impressive 50% advantage for early-risers. That’s more than 50 additional sexy times per year — maybe 2500 over the course of your married life. Seems worth it to me.

How do you and your spouse sleep? Are you intentional about what you wear, when you sleep, and when you wake up? Share your ideas and experience in the comments.

(Side note: I couldn’t find an image of a man and woman together waking up early and happy. Go figure.)

"Is this site for real?" 15

An email from new reader “YN”:

Is this site for real? When I started reading I thought it might be a satire like “The Onion”.

My wife and I have been best friends and married for more than five decades, and swallow? Pearl necklace? Maybe in my dreams. Most Christians that I know think intercourse is just for the purpose of procreation, period. Is this a fringe group?

The most frequent emails we get about about more sex and oral sex, but emails like the one above aren’t uncommon and they made me sad. Maybe that feeling is misplaced — YN and his wife might have a great sex life that satisfies them both. But that he says “maybe in my dreams”  makes me think not, and isn’t that tragic?

Fifty years is a long time, but it’s never too late to take your sex life to the next level. Don’t wait! You may not be blessed with fifty years together. Have the hard conversation soon — tonight. Be honest and open and vulnerable. Your sex life with your spouse can be amazing! That’s God’s will.

Proverbs 5:15-20

Drink water from your own cistern,
   running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
   your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
   never to be shared with strangers.
May your fountain be blessed,
   and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
   may her breasts satisfy you always,
   may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
   Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

How Can You Have Variety With Just One Sexual Partner? 16

God’s best plan is for people to have amazing sex inside marriage, and zero sex outside marriage. This plan is obviously extremely counter-cultural, and some people even claim it’s impossible “in this day and age” — as if our ancestors were less sexual than we are. By God’s grace and the power of the Holy Spirit it is possible to have a sex life that’s awesome and that pleases God (even if you’ve made mistakes). It’s also natural to wonder “what if?” Are there sexual experiences you’re missing out on? Is there a way to have variety without cheating? Jordan Peterson answers this question from one of his listeners in the video below:

I married young and have had only one sexual partner. Now I desire variety, but value my marriage and will not cheat. Any insight on overcoming this conflict?

(The video is queued up to start at this question.)

We’ve got a million posts here on our blog with ideas for creating variety in your sex life with your spouse! Hopefully we’ve created a valuable resource, and we personally appreciate all the contributions from our readers.

Set Your Alarm for Morning Sex 17

Finding time to have sex can be hard when you’ve got jobs and kids, and if you wait for the end of the day you may be frequently frustrated by a lack of energy and enthusiasm. Sexy Corte and I have found that the morning is often the most efficient and reliable time of day for us to have sex, but it does require some planning.

We’ve written before about the benefits of having sex before date night instead of after, and the same benefits apply to morning sex. Quote:

  • Oxytocin: Orgasms get your bonding hormones flowing, which will jump-start intimacy for your date.
  • No pressure: There won’t be any pressure to make sex the capstone of your date when you get home late. We find that it’s especially hard for Sexy Corte to summon up the energy for an orgasm late at night, no matter how great a time we’re having. Time of day has a big impact on many wives, and it doesn’t always line up with date night.
  • Lingering arousal: Date nights are a great opportunity to talk positively about your sex life together — what you like, what you want to try, how it feels when your spouse touches you just — like — that. If you have sex before your date, the lingering arousal can fuel your conversation. It’s hot to look at your spouse across the restaurant table and know that you just rocked their world!
  • Mementos: You can carry a memento of your recent sex with you on your date. For example: a secret hickey or lingerie. It’s a huge turn-on for me just knowing that my semen is still inside Sexy Corte when we go out. We’ve also talked about the idea of me finishing on her body and SC wearing it under her clothes, but we haven’t done it yet.

Your whole day will be better if you kick it off with sex! So how can you prepare for morning sex?

  • Be proactive. You probably won’t just tumble into reliable morning sex — you have to be intentional. Talk with your spouse about it, and decide how you’re going to communicate your interest (or lack thereof) in the morning when you’re both drowsy. Decide before you go to sleep if you’re likely to have sex the next morning or not.
  • Set an alarm. We actually set three alarms! First alarm is for if Sexy Corte wants an orgasm that morning; otherwise we cuddle. Second alarm is for if we’re going to have a quickie. Third alarm means that it’s actually time to get out of bed. (We may be classically conditioning ourselves to have sex when the alarm rings.)
  • Be prepared. Keep your tools ready: lube, vibrator (with batteries), rags, and whatever else you need. Having to find some missing essential can really break your momentum.
  • Sleep naked. As Sexy Corte wrote: “Not only does your skin feel amazing right up against your spouse’s, but feeling nice and silky sheets as you sleep is an added bonus. If your spouse is always wanting sex in the morning, but you have a hard time rousing yourself for it, sleeping naked is an excellent way to get yourself in the mood.” Wives should try some thigh-high socks in the winter to stay warm and sexy — as an added bonus, women have an easier time reaching orgasm when their feet are warm.

Do you have any tips for morning sex? Leave a comment to share.

What Every Husband Wants to Hear 18

Yesterday afternoon Sexy Corte said the words that every husband wants to hear:

“After we put the kids to bed, let’s make love and play video games.”

Yes please!

We’ve just started playing Civilization V together cooperatively against the computer, and SC is pretty into it. It’s similar to strategy board games she enjoys but the setup and tear-down is easier.