Google’s autocomplete function gives us some insight into what husbands and wives want from each other. The prompts in the pictures below reflect the most common things that people search for based on the words that are already entered. When you go to Google and start typing “how do I get my wife to” here’s what Google prompts you with.

Except for “lose weight” and “shut up”, all these suggestions indicate that husbands long for deeper intimacy with their wives. To be honest, based on emails from our readers, I thought the suggestions would all be about oral or anal sex! Are you surprised?

When you start typing “how do I get my husband to” Google leads you to:

The suggestions for wives are more diverse. “Stop drinking” and “stop cheating on me” certainly reflect two of the most harmful behaviors for marriage. “Leave” is just very sad. “Dominate me” is surprising as the only sexual topic to make the list — I would have expected something like “give me more orgasms”. The rest are very similar to what husbands want: deeper intimacy, attention, and love.

A few of these suggestions may seem amusing, but they reflect heartfelt pleas for help from a husband or wife, thrown into the ether, hoping for an answer from the the faceless, anonymous internet. There’s some good information on the internet (like here!) but there’s one resource that’s even better: prayer. If you’ve found our website via a search like the ones above, we encourage you to bring your need to God, who can actually do something about it. He wants you to have a great marriage and a great sex life with your spouse! I wonder what an “autocomplete” for prayer would look like?

If you have any other “how do I get my wife/husband to” questions, leave them in the comments!

For whatever reason, Sexy Corte’s period is often one of the times in her cycle that she is especially amorous, which can obviously lead to frustration for both of us! The topic of period sex probably deserves its own post, but since we don’t have time to write it right now we wanted to share something new that we did a few weeks ago.

Actually, it’s not entirely new: we wrote about “Old Faithful” almost four years ago! What’s new is that we realized that we can do this position pretty effectively while Sexy Corte is using a tampon without making a big mess if we use a vibrator instead of my fingers. To refresh your memory on the position:

I lay on my back while Sexy Corte kneels over my body at a 90-degree angle with her legs spread. I play with her lady bits while she performs oral sex on me. I’ll use my fingers to play all around outside and inside her body (see: Zoom Technique) to the point that she usually loses focus and forgets what she’s supposed to be doing.

Old Faithful can be carried to completion and it’s one of the best positions for getting Sexy Corte off with my fingers. Sometimes she has a hard time reaching orgasm if I’m not inside her, and Old Faithful makes this possible. From my perspective, there’s almost nothing hotter than my wife having a powerful orgasm with me in her mouth.

Using a vibrator instead of my fingers makes the orgasm faster and easier for Sexy Corte (which can be very important when you’ve got kids), and there’s less movement to dislodge the tampon and make a mess. Sexy Corte generally has a better orgasm when I’m in her vagina (obviously), but having me in her mouth is more stimulating for her than when we’ve tried fingers or vibrator on their own.

As for me, I get some bonus fun: I love it when Sexy Corte has an orgasm while I’m in her mouth. Don’t get me wrong, her orgasms always feel great to me, but it’s a special treat for me when she climaxes while performing oral sex. It feels amazing physically, but it also drives me crazy mentally to feel and see and hear her pleasure while she’s going down on me.

There are several other things we do to make period sex work for us that we’ll write about in a later post, but we wanted to share this one now because it was so surprisingly fulfilling for both of us. Let’s hear your thoughts in the comments!

After the kids go to bed Sexy Corte and I often spend the evening playing games together — board games or video games. We find that cooperative games are a great opportunity to work together on a fun problem and get the thrill of “accomplishment” — even though the game is meaningless, the time spent working together is good for our relationship. Playing games stimulates our minds and creates a set of shared experiences that can fuel our conversations.

But do you know the worst part about modern video games? The loading screen! We realized that when a game or level started to load we’d both turn down to our phones and check out of the shared experience. No good! To rectify this problem, we created a new activity: loading screen make-out session. The name is pretty self-explanatory: you make-out until the game finishes loading. The loading bar gives you a visual timer, and the experience is similar to seven minutes in heaven because you’re working on a clock. You can kiss, play, tease, arouse, or do whatever you want, but when the loading screen is over you have to stop… unless you don’t!

If you don’t play games with your spouse, we highly recommend it. If readers are interested, we can share some game recommendations in a future post.

 

Bratty: “spoiled, self-centered, and badly behaved”.

I’m blessed to have a charming, peaceful, and generous wife in Sexy Corte, and having a bratty wife (or husband!) would certainly be very unpleasant.

Proverbs 21:9 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

And yet, there’s something sexy about the idea of “taming” a bratty wife! (Shakespeare even wrote a play about it.) This post will give you some ideas for how you can role-play as a “bratty wife” and dominant husband. Remember: role-playing is play. Both spouses should be comfortable and have fun, even though the play creates pretend conflict. (You may also enjoy posts about how to do sexual role-playing and role-playing as professor and student.)

The bratty wife scenario is fun for several reasons:

  • Power exchange. There’s an interesting power dynamic between the bratty wife and her husband. The bratty wife gets to play at being self-centered, petty, rude, and teasing. She can put him off, reject his advances, dismiss him, ignore him, and generally stick her tongue out until he demands better behavior. The husband gets to react to his wife’s disrespect with assertive dominance. Rather than pulling back or trying to appease her brattiness, the husband gets to play a commanding role, pushing his bratty wife to treat him with obedience and respect.
  • Letting loose. In real life we strive to treat everyone with care and respect, especially our spouses! But it can be fun to let loose with stronger, more active behavior without hurting anyone’s feelings. As long as both spouses respect each other’s boundaries (more on this later), you can play at being petty, demanding, and forceful in a way that you can’t do in normal situations.
  • Clear goals. Role-playing is enhanced when both spouses understand the goals they’re working towards, and in the “bratty wife” scenario the goals are pretty easy. The husband’s goal is to obtain obedience and submission from the wife, as represented by her words and deeds. The wife’s goal is to make him work for it! The scenario ultimately ends with the wife submitting, but she has the power to decide how long it takes.

So let’s talk about boundaries! Since this role-playing scenario is based around pretend bad behavior, it’s important to understand in advance what kind of behavior could actually end up being hurtful to your spouse. Here are some guidelines.

  • Don’t bring up real areas of disagreement or tension. Role-playing is a game, not a method for resolving your actual disputes. The game will quickly turn ugly if you bring up real flash points.
  • Don’t insult each other. Neither spouse should insult the other — you can be spoiled, petty, rude, and commanding without being insulting. Especially avoid insulting any attribute of your spouse that you know they’re sensitive about for real!
  • Don’t be mean. Being bratty or commanding doesn’t imply meanness or cruelty. Hopefully the examples below reflect that difference. The commanding husband and bratty wife love each other!

So how do you get started? It’s probably worth discussing your boundaries first — which may be short and simple, or may turn into a longer conversation. I recommending not having this talk immediately before you intend to start role-playing! Do it the day before, and then pick a time in advance to begin the game. “Bratty wife” can begin before the kids are even in bed, with whispered remarks and pouty faces. Then when you’re alone together, the husband can kick things off by saying something like: “Your behavior this evening was not acceptable.”

The game has three phases, dictated by the bratty wife’s behavior.

  1. Refusal. The wife refuses to obey commands until the husband “makes” her.
  2. Reluctance. The wife obeys direct commands without enthusiasm. The husband corrects her and shows her what he expects.
  3. Submission. The wife is “tamed” and drops her bratty behavior, now eager to please her husband.

The bratty wife is the star of the show; here are some things she can do and say.

  • The bratty wife is “spoiled, self-centered, and badly behaved”, but not mean or cruel. She loves her husband, but is just a brat.
  • Don’t simply resist everything. Submit a little, then be bratty again, then submit, then be bratty, over and over. The ultimate conclusion of the game is that you submit — but make him earn it.
  • Don’t make the game into a physical fight: resist with your words and body language. The dominant husband should use his strength (gently!) to push you towards compliance; submit to his touch, but resist with your words.
  • Use body language: roll your eyes, sigh, cross your arms, turn your back, walk away, stick out your tongue.
  • “No.” “No way.” “Forget it.” — Phase 1, Refusal. Be dramatic and annoying. Refuse, then submit when he makes you do it.
  • “But I just want to…” — You care about you. Whine about what you want.
  • “I don’t want to!”
  • “Do it yourself.”
  • “Make me.”
  • “I can’t believe you’re making me do this.” — Phase 2, Reluctance. As the game goes on, you begin to obey his direct commands, but without enthusiasm.
  • Whatever he tells you to do, do it half-way; stop in the middle of a task. If it’s a sexual activity, frustrate him just as he gets aroused.
  • “Yeah, yeah, I respect you.” — But don’t say it like you mean it until he makes you.
  • “Oh fine, I’m sorry.”
  • “Yes sir!” — Sarcastically.
  • “I’m sorry I was so disrespectful.” — Phase 3, Submission. When you’re ready to turn the corner of the game, show your husband that he has tamed you.
  • “You really know how to handle me.”
  • “Yes, I’ll do whatever you say.”
  • “What do you want me to do?”
  • “How can I show you my love and respect?”
  • “Deal with me however you see fit.”
  • “I’ll do whatever you want.”

The husband’s behavior is consistent in all three phases of the game. Here are some things the husband can do and say.

  • The husband is confident and commanding, but not unkind. He doesn’t ask, defer, or apologize — he demands respect and submission. He doesn’t cater to the wife’s feelings or appeals for fairness. He expects good behavior and submission from his wife.
  • Be firm, clear, and direct. Tell your wife what you expect her to do — how you want her to demonstrate her respect and submission. Don’t give in to her whining.
  • Use your hands (gently!) to encourage her submission. Position her how you want, lead her to where you want her to be. Touch her and handle her.
  • “Your behavior this evening was not acceptable.”
  • “I expect you to show me respect.”
  • “You will apologize.”
  • “Don’t roll your eyes at me.”
  • “Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you.”
  • “Stop talking.”
  • “Don’t walk away from me until I say so.”
  • “You obviously need some instruction on how to show respect to your husband.”
  • “When I tell you to do something, you do it.”
  • “Give me a good apology.”
  • “You don’t sound very sorry to me. Try again.”
  • “Show me that you mean it.”
  • “Stand up.” “Sit down.” “Bring me a drink.” “Put your hair up/down.” “Go change your clothes.” — Issue arbitrary orders to test her obedience.
  • “You don’t get an orgasm until I say so.”
  • “If you’re going to act like a brat, then…” — Impose consequences for her behavior, like:
  • “… you don’t deserve those nice clothes. Give me your pants/shirt/panties/whatever.” — Maybe she can earn them back.
  • “… bend over my knee so I can spank you.”
  • “… I’ve got a better use for your mouth.”
  • “… hold this vibrator on yourself without climaxing, and tell me when you’re ready to apologize.”

Sex can either be part of the scenario or take place afterwards, it’s up to you.

When you’re done role-playing, talk about how it went. Have a good cuddle. Talk about your favorite parts of the scene, and stay positive. Later on, after the glow wears off, discuss anything you didn’t like and wouldn’t choose to do again. If your spouse really liked some element that wasn’t your favorite, negotiate and find some common ground that works for your marriage.

Have you played a game like this before? Are you going to try it? Leave a comment!

We hope that you all had a great Christmas and New Year! The holiday season is often stressful, but did you know that it’s also the catalyst for a yearly September baby boom?

It’s often wryly observed that birth rates peak in September, with many studies citing seasonal changes in human biology to explain this post-holiday “baby boom.” But new research from scientists at Indiana University and the Instituto Gulbenkian de Ciência in Portugal finds that spikes in pregnancies are actually rooted in society, not biology.

“We observe that Christmas and Eid-Al-Fitr are characterized by distinct collective moods that correlate with increased fertility,” Rocha said. “Perhaps people feel a greater motivation to grow their families during holidays when the emphasis is on love and gift-giving to children. The Christmas season is also associated with stories about the baby Jesus and holy family, which may put people in a loving, happy, ‘family mood.'”

Sexy Corte and I have been on a roll this holiday season — I hate to brag, but during vacation we had sex seven times in 72 hours! She actually had to beg off from having another orgasm because her legs were getting sore. (Ok, so maybe I like to brag a little.) We’re not having any more babies, but being in close proximity for days at a time still seems to rev our engines. (It’s also worth noting that we had a pretty good fight, too — which is also pretty common for couples over the holidays)

I’m sure we weren’t the only ones having great sex over the holidays — what about you? Any sexual accomplishments you’d like to brag about? You can’t share with your “real friends”, but you can share with your pseudonymous internet buddies!

We hope you all had a Merry Christmas and are looking forward to 2018. To finish up the year here at Married Christian Sex, we want to share some emails we’ve gotten from our readers — mostly questions for Sexy Corte that have piled up! We love reading your comments and questions, so please shoot us a message (El Fury or Sexy Corte) and we’ll do our best to get back to you. As always, we won’t share anything on the blog without your permission, and we never share names or email addresses.

We especially love to hear from people who have been blessed by our blog! Husband “ONN” writes a very encouraging note:

We came across your blog about a month ago and started reading all the articles you have. We had a very good marriage and a wonderful sex life and didn’t think it could get much better than what it was. We have started applying some of the things we read and have stepped our marriage up to a whole new level. We have decided that we will try new things with an open mind to see how it feels and then decide if we like it or not. Now that you have opened our minds to some of the scripture it is easier to do some of things that are considered taboo and not feel like we are sinning or shameful. We are more relaxed and don’t miss a day without having sex at least once. Now our expectation is that we are having sex every night and we look forward to it. The article that started us was the one titled “yes you should swallow”. After reading that and showing my wife the article we began talking about it and left it up to her for the final decision. When she finally decided to do it I was amazed and very excited about it. This opened up our minds to trying new experiences and techniques. We have decided that as long as it helps our marriage and only involves the two of us we will try it and see if we like it.

Thank you for posting these articles and helping people have a more fulfilling sex life the way God intended it to be.  This is all I have time to write, it is time for us to go have sex now!!

Wife “GP” asks Sexy Corte about shaving:

I’ve been married for 6 years. I perform oral sex for my husband a good bit and we both enjoy it. However, I really want him to perform oral on me too. He’s mentioned it a good bit during intimate moments but I just brush it off. I’m a little embarrassed for him to because of my hair. If I shave, I break out in bumps bad. Any advice?

And SC replies:

Hair definitely gets in the way of oral! 🙂 I don’t shave completely because of the bumps, but leave a little ‘landing strip’ so that it doesn’t get rough.

Questions about shaving come up a lot, including from wife “IT” who includes some encouragement for us:

I’ve got a question about shaving. I’m using hormone replacement therapy (BHRT) that really improves my libido, but also causes my hair “down there” to grow faster. I like to keep it bare, but do I need a personal shaver or something?

Also, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate how candid you two are on your blog! I had never considered using a vibrator before… it had to be “wrong”. I had always been able to reach orgasm from my husband’s touch, but over time he has had to work harder and harder to get me there. After reading your blog we decided to use an egg vibrator, and we both love it! It’s easier for both of us, and the sex is great! I bet lots of wives would be more motivated for sex if they knew how much fun it could be.

We love these emails! SC responds:

Thanks so much for the encouragement! Our whole goal is to help married couples find joy in sex. I’m so glad our site has been a blessing to you!

Shaving is tricky, and everyone is different. I totally understand about the prickly thing, which is why I always leave a “landing strip” (which is like a little runway of hair where it would otherwise never totally shave smooth). I do trim that hair, but haven’t ever liked shaving it completely off. I hadn’t seen the personal shaver before, but if you don’t have luck with your razor it might be worth a try. I do just fine using my regular razor, and as long as I keep up on it every few days it works great. We have a small ledge in our shower that I can put my foot up on and that helps a ton with being able to see what I’m shaving, and push things around to get to the right spot.

You know, I used to think a vibrator or sex toys were “wrong”, but I think it’s where your heart is. A vibrator has completely changed our sex life, and it enhances our intimacy. My focus, even when using a vibrator, is on EF — my love for him, how he is making me feel. An orgasm is an incredibly powerful thing, and I’m so thankful there is a way I can experience that during sex. It makes me want my husband, not a vibrator!

Wife “LL” asks Sexy Corte about being dominant in bed:

My husband and I have been married 6 years and have a good relationship in general but our sex life is lacking at times, especially since he really enjoys me being dominant over him and using bondage and I struggle with being dominant and can’t really come up with anything creative to do so I just end up playing out basically the same scene over and over. I want to do better so he and I can both enjoy sex more. Any advice? Thanks for all you and your husband do. I really appreciate your website and all the articles you have to encourage Christian couples in their sex lives. This world needs it.

To which SC replies:

It’s great that you are willing to try this for your husband! Maybe start small and try to be dominant in other ways so that you build up some confidence for the bigger stuff. Grab him in a tight embrace and kiss him in an unexpected moment. Write a note telling him what you are going to do to him later (it doesn’t even have to be something bondage-related). Taking initiative in smaller things might help you when you are in those bigger moments. EF always likes the professor/student and pirate role-playing.

Husband “JY” asks how to help his wife enjoy sex more:

My wife and I have been married for almost two years. Before we were married I was not deep in my faith, I watched porn, and had sex. My wife knew this, and helped me become a better man. When we started to date I stopped watching porn, and we didn’t have sex until our wedding night. We did however dry hump and both of us would climax at relatively the same time. Since our marriage, I can tell that my wife doesn’t really enjoy/ get pleasure from sex. I’ve tried to talk with her, and she tells me that her pleasure is doing it for me. But I want her to enjoy it. When I bring up things like giving her oral or me receiving it she says that those things make her feel gross. We’ve talked and I have expressed my interest in expanding our sex life, but she doesn’t seem interested. I honestly just want her to enjoy sex the way that I do. She hasn’t had an orgasm for over two years, because I don’t believe she is stimulated during sex, and won’t let me try things that could stimulate her. I’m not really sure what else to do. I love my wife very much, and I know that god made sex something for husband and wife to enjoy, and I’m afraid she is missing out on such a pleasurable feeling and intimacy. Any ideas or thoughts from either of you would be very much appreciated.

SC replies:

If you and your wife have good communication, I would in a very non-threatening way ask her if she has ever had an orgasm. It’s possible she hasn’t. Ask if she would be willing to let you focus on her. There are a number of things you can try, but focus on her clitoris, not just penetration. It takes me a good 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, and that’s with EF starting with his hand and finishing with a vibrator. If EF uses his hand it’s probably more like 45 minutes. Use lube as well.  I would also try to pay attention to her cycle. Two weeks after the start of a woman’s period is when they typically ovulate, and that’s when sex drive is the highest. For me, it’s much easier to have an orgasm during this part of my cycle.

Wife “SL” asks how to learn what turns her on:

Hello! My husband and I have been enjoying your blog since we got married in May 2015. Our sex life isn’t awful (thanks to God blessing us with good communication), but it definitely isn’t what we know it can be. This is largely due to the fact that my husband has a large vocabulary of sexual things he likes and really knows what turns him on and I don’t. We have tried to explore lots of things and your blog has been very helpful, but I still struggle with knowing my likes and turn-ons. I think not comparing my sex drive/desires to my husband and expecting myself to be just like him is my biggest hangup. Any suggestions of how to explore and figure out what my turn-ons are? Questions I should ask myself? Books that might be helpful?

SC replies:

I think it’s ok if you don’t have a “large vocabulary”! I don’t think I will ever get tired of the standard, me-on-top to orgasm. We do that position at least twice a week and it still thrills me. So finding something that works really well and sticking with it is definitely fine. I’m hoping you know what gets you to orgasm best — and if you don’t, that is a matter of trying different things until you find something that works. For us, we were at least a year into marriage before we figured out what really worked for me. I also think throwing in the occasional new thing keeps your sex life exciting, and it sounds like your husband needs that. Since you are already good with communication (that is a great blessing!) talk about your expectations and what each of you can do to make sure you both have a fulfilling sex life.

You may also want to check out the “Would you rather?” game that we’ve posted, and make some index cards based on that list. It will help you and your husband discover new things.

That’s all the letters for now! We pray that God will bless your marriage, and use your marriage to be a blessing to others. Thanks for a fantastic 2017, and join us in the comment section below.

 

We get a lot of emails from husbands who are frustrated with the quantity and quality of sex in their marriage. I’m writing this post to capture the advice that I generally give in response to these emails. See also: husbands dealing with sexual rejection and how to talk to your spouse about sex.

It’s tough to give advice because we don’t know everything going on in each marriage, but here are some things that might help.

  • Pray. Ask God to bless your sex life. Ask to have desire for your spouse.
  • Learn each other’s love language. Then be intentional in speaking your spouse’s love language.
  • Try physical touch with your spouse with no expectation of sex. Hug, kiss, caress, but don’t try to immediately follow up. These non-sexual touches fuel me and often get me in the mood.
  • Be a student of your spouse. I love having sex with El Fury because he knows me. He makes me feel sexy and beautiful. Find out what makes your spouse feel sexy, and they will want to have sex.
  • Communication. The more you talk about sex with each other, the more comfortable you will be talking about sex with each other, and the fewer problems you will have.

Husbands, this is specifically for you. El Fury recently told me a quote: a man can’t consider himself a good lover until he can do the exact same thing for an hour without moving. This is so true. If your wife is anything like me, I take up to 45 minutes to orgasm when my husband uses his hand. If we use the vibrator during sex it’s about 20 minutes. That’s a long time. It can take a long time for a woman to orgasm. Be patient. Here are some tips:

  • Only about 30% of women can orgasm from intercourse alone. If El Fury focused on my vagina I would never have an orgasm. You have to focus stimulation around the clitoris. Combine that with vaginal stimulation and your wife will go crazy. Keep the attention on the clitoris, it’s likely your wife can’t orgasm without that. That might mean that you give your wife an orgasm before you even have penetration.
  • If you want your wife to enjoy sex, focus on her pleasure first. If she’s not having an orgasm frequently, she’s probably not enjoying sex. Make sure you are meeting her needs and she will be more enthusiastic about meeting yours.
  • Pray for your wife and her sexual needs.
Wives, this is specifically for you:
  • Pray. These are the prayers that I often pray: That I would have desire for my husband, that I would have energy in the evening or be alert in the morning, that we would have a sex life that is fulfilling to both of us.
  • Pay attention to your cycle. I especially want sex right before my period, surprisingly during my period, and about two weeks after the start of my period. I try my hardest to make sure I orgasm often during those times, and it makes a huge difference in my overall sexual satisfaction.
  • Have you ever had an orgasm? If you “think so”, then you haven’t. I still remember my first one, and there was no doubt. I had previously thought there was something wrong with my body. I had thought it would magically happen with the right position during sex. I was wrong! It happened by El Fury touching me the right way in the right spot. Since we figured out where that button was, we have learned so much more about my body, what turns me on, and what gets me to orgasm. Sex became fun!
  • Be at peace with sex. Your husband will never stop wanting to have sex with you. He will continue to pursue you. If you find out what you enjoy, his pursuit will be a good thing and not something that you will forever try to avoid.

I hope this is helpful! Leave your questions or suggestions in the comments.

I bet more wives than husbands use loofahs when they shower, but that might change if your spouse transforms into a human loofah! You don’t need a loofah costume (although you could use one), you just need your naked body and some soap. The idea is simple: the wife covers herself in soapy bubbles and then washes her husband by rubbing herself all over his body. Then they switch roles and the husband washes his wife in the same way. Fun and efficient!

Here are a few ideas for making the most of your human loofah experience.

  • No hands. Using your hands is easy-mode!
  • In the dark. Turning off the lights will enhance the experience for your other senses, especially touch.
  • Mirroring. Use your corresponding part to wash your spouse — e.g., wash her chest with your chest, and her butt with your butt.
  • Sexy parts. Wash your spouse’s whole body using only your sexy parts.

You might want to read up on how to have sex in the water before you get started, because all this rubbing is likely to lead in that direction. A well-prepared husband will be ready for anything if he keeps silicone lube and a water-proof vibrator handy.

Husbands, now that you’re married you don’t “pick up” girls anymore, right? Well, your wife’s heart may flutter if you pick her up literally. Would you like your wife to react to you like Rachel does in this clip? (Starting at 0:55.)

If you’re both in reasonably good shape you should be a lot stronger than your wife and able to easily impress her with feats of strength — and few actions underscore your size difference more than lifting your wife off the ground. (Obviously your man-strength should only be used for good, to serve and protect your family, never for evil.) Here are a few ideas:

  • Lift her legs up around your waist. When you’re standing up and kissing, bend down and lift her by the backs of her legs. Wrap her legs around your waist and hold her while you kiss. You can theoretically have sex in this position, but there’s a high risk of penis injury if she slips — so set her up on the counter.
  • “Honeymoon” carry. Like in the stereotypical honeymoon, pick her up and cradle her with one arm behind her back and the other under her knees.
  • Throw her onto the bed. Nothing says “it’s business time” like being tossed onto the bed.
  • Throw her over your shoulder. If you’re carrying her very far this is the easiest way to do it (other than a fireman carry, which doesn’t seem very romantic). Great opportunity to spank her butt a few times.
  • Piggy-back ride. Fun, but this generally requires her to actively climb aboard, rather than you picking her up.
  • Squats. Again, she has to climb on, but your wife will probably be impressed when you do squats with her on your shoulders.
  • Grab her by the hips. Not exactly lifting, but still a show of strength.

Most wives want a big, strong husband! You’ve got to be gentle and measured with your strength, but your wife will be probably like it if you show off a little. (And she may enjoy it if you’re a little rougher, but ask first and set expectations.)

Alice Atalanta writes a powerful defense of alpha males, and it’s worth reading for both husbands and wives. We get emails all the time from wives who long for their husbands to “take charge” and husbands who are afraid of their wives. Our culture — even our modern church culture — often views men as barbarians who need to be tamed by feminine virtues, which can create both emasculated men and bitter, overcompensating thugs. It’s true that God gave women an amazing array of strengths that men can learn from, but it’s also true that God created men with strengths of our own. As married couples, we need to embrace each others’ strengths and use them for the benefit of the marriage and family.

Here are a few “alpha male” traits that Atalanta identifies, and it’s no surprise that these are qualities that we see perfected in our Heavenly Father.

But there is more to it than just brute force and strength. As much as he may excel as an athlete or on the battlefield, a true Alpha Male also develops the capacities of character to temper, channel, moderate, and strategically employ this strength. Character – and what is traditionally referred to as “honor” – is central to the way that these men live their lives. Athlete Chad Howse, whose article “25 Characteristics of an Alpha Male” is Google’s top result for a search on the topic, hones in on these critical specifics: the Alpha Male, he writes, is “a man’s man, a warrior, a stand-up guy…he’s a leader, the guy others look to for motivation, inspiration…he’s the man women want, without intention the center of attention.” True statement applicable to all of those with whom I spoke. Other qualities highlighted by Howse, and consistent among my own sampling of Alpha types? Persistence, defensive capability, courage, humor, wisdom, humility, learnedness, thoughtfulness in speech, purposefulness, diligence, confidence, restraint, respectfulness, integrity, discernment, generosity, leadership, industriousness, and sincerity. In short, more the qualities of a Renaissance man than a brute. Hobbs’ scholarship supports this, as she considers the ancient Greek model of Plato’s ideal man, whose warrior spirit (Thumos) is tempered by reason – a topic she discusses at length as she is interviewed by Brett McKay on his ‘Art of Manliness’ podcast.

In addition to help from the Holy Spirit — which we should pray for — many husbands just need to feel some permission to act manly! Our culture denigrates manliness to such a degree that many men suppress their natural God-given strengths in an attempt to conform to worldly expectations — which are often feminine behavior patterns. Instead of being bold, the husband is timid, too fearful to express his needs and preferences to his own wife without coaching from strangers on the internet! (And hey, we’re happy to help, but you’ve got to add the final ingredient: courage.)

And wives, do you want your husband to take the lead? He’ll be much bolder if you don’t second-guess his decisions. How many times have you had this conversation?

Husband: Where do you want to go to dinner?

Wife: I don’t know, you pick.

Husband: Ok, let’s go to XYZ.

Wife: Eh, I don’t really want to go there.

Wives, if you want your husband to lead then you have to accept his leadership. That doesn’t mean that you make him guess over and over again until he gets lucky and picks something that pleases you! It means that you offer your opinion and then happily submit to his decision the first time unless you have some serious objection. A husband isn’t a good leader because he always picks what his wife would pick; being a good leader means making decisions that honor God and your family.

Husbands, are you bold in your marriage and family? Wives, what do you really want from your husbands?