We’ve posted about our sex robot before, and I’m happy to report that we use it almost every day! As robots proliferate in coming decades, I’m looking forward to at least one more kind of sex robot: autonomous cars! Just think of how much car sex you’ll be having when your car can drive itself.
Self-driving cars will change the way we travel and work. But according to researchers studying the potential implications of autonomous vehicles (AVs), they could also have a profound impact on another aspect of life: How we have sex.
“One of the starting points was that AVs will provide new forms of competition for hotels and restaurants. People will be sleeping in their vehicles, which has implications for roadside hotels. And people may be eating in vehicles that function as restaurant pods,” says Scott Cohen, deputy director of research of the School of Hospitality and Tourism Management at the University of Surrey in the U.K., who led the study. “That led us to think, besides sleeping, what other things will people do in cars when free from the task of driving? And you can see that in the long association of automobiles and sex that’s represented in just about every coming-of-age movie. It’s not a big leap.”
Car sex is great, and having a robotic driver will really open up your options.
- Have sex on the way to the restaurant! Having sex before your date instead of after ensures you won’t run out of energy before the climax of your night.
- Have sex anywhere! A parked car can be fine for sex, but sometimes it attracts attention. A moving vehicle is more private.
- Have sex while “running an errand”! If you’re spending holiday time away from home, you and your spouse can “run to the store” real quick — but really have the car drive you around randomly while you have sex.
- Have sex with scenic views! Like having sex on a train, you can watch the beautiful scenery rolling by while you make love.
Do you enjoy car sex? Any other ideas for what you’d do if neither you nor your spouse had to drive?
We get emails pretty frequently asking, “what is lust?” I’d been working on a post on the topic for a while, but decided to quit when I read this excellent analysis of lust by Jason Staples. He begins with a passage that is likely familiar to most Christians, and goes from there to explain what kind of behavior is normal, and what’s sinful.
(I headlined this post with a picture of Gollum because his behavior epitomizes covetousness: he not only craves the One Ring, he kills and destroys to obtain it.)
Matthew 5:27–28: Ἠκούσατε ὅτι ἐρρέθη· οὐ μοιχεύσεις. ἐγὼ δὲ λέγω ὑμῖν ὅτι πᾶς ὁ βλέπων γυναῖκα πρὸς τὸ ἐπιθυμῆσαι αὐτὴν ἤδη ἐμοίχευσεν αὐτὴν ἐν τῇ καρδίᾳ αὐτοῦ.
“You heard it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman/wife in order to covet her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Many churches (especially within Evangelical circles), emphasize this verse to men and (especially) adolescent boys, warning that if they so much as think of a woman in a sexual manner, they’ve already sinned, that they’ve already effectively done the deed with her. Such an interpretation often works hand-in-glove with the common idea that Jesus “intensified” the Law in the Sermon on the Mount, setting a higher standard in order to show that no person could actually live up to God’s standards, showing that a person could only be saved by recognizing the impossibility of righteousness and then receiving forgiveness (a complete misinterpretation of the Sermon on the Mount I will address at another time). So the common teaching is: lust (that is, sexual lust) is absolutely evil—equivalent, even, to the physical act of sexual sin.
Another key aspect of nearly all the common misinterpretations of this verse is a specific (mistaken) definition of the word “lust.” Specifically, many readers understand “lust” as specifically denoting misplaced or overly robust libido. For example, as one recent conversation partner explained to me, “I take lust to mean wanting something more than you should in an unhealthy way.”
Despite its popularity, this interpretation is imprecise, even flat wrong, and leads to surprisingly harmful consequences, making this verse a great candidate to start this series.
You’re on your honeymoon having a great time, and your spouse decides to go for a run on the beach for an hour or so.
You hear a knock at the door. When you crack it open, you see your spouse standing there, wearing different clothes and looking slightly off.
Your spouse says, “Hello! I know this is hard to believe, but the reason I look a little strange is that I’m 10 years older and I traveled back in time. I’ve got important time traveler business to take care of, but I wanted to drop in and see you. I knew that present-me would be out on a run right now. In the future our marriage is awesome and everything turns out great for us. I really shouldn’t tell you too many details — you understand.”
You aren’t sure how to respond, but you know your spouse is telling the truth.
Your spouse continues: “Well, we’ve got almost an hour. You look great. You can’t tell present-me about any of this when I come back from my run, but don’t worry… I’ll be thrilled about this encounter in 10 years when I come up with the idea… and I’ve learned a few techniques that present-me won’t figure out for a while. Want to have sex?”
We’ve written about how make the most of the size you’ve got, but today we’ll discuss how deeper isn’t always better. Shallow penetration is a fun rest-stop between foreplay/outercourse and deeper sex, so don’t speed past without checking it out. There are lots of ways to have fun with shallow penetration, and even some definite advantages.
- That feeling when it goes in: The moment of initial penetration is amazingly intimate, physically and emotionally! We call it “burrowing in” when I’m on top, and I use tiny thrusts to gradually work my way inside. The feeling of my wife’s body softly yielding to my penis is indescribable. With shallow penetration, you can keep repeating this experience over and over.
- Where the nerves are: 90% of the nerves in the vagina are in the first one-third of the depth. Similarly, the head of the penis has more nerves and denser receptive fields than the shaft. (The head of the penis has about the name number of nerves as the clitoris.)
- Last longer: Stimulation on the head of the penis feels great, but it often isn’t enough to lead to a quick orgasm. Orgasm tends to be accelerated by squeezing pressure around the shaft, especially towards the base. Shallow penetration that focuses stimulation near the head can be a useful technique for delaying orgasm.
- Reach her clitoris: When your bodies aren’t mashed together it’s easier for the husband to reach his wife’s clitoris with his thumb or a vibrator. Shallow penetration leaves enough space for the husband to drive his wife crazy!
- More possible positions: There are a lot of positions that just don’t lend themselves to deep penetration, mostly because your pesky legs get in the way. You’ll enjoy that crazy new position more once you realize that you don’t have to finish that way — you can transition to a more traditional position to achieve orgasm.
So what are some ways to enjoy shallow penetration?
- Shallow thrusts near the vaginal opening are a great way to edge, and will eventually drive you both crazy. Who can stand it the longest? Make her beg for it!
- In and out: While thrusting or riding, let the penis withdraw completely from the vagina, letting the head nestle just between the vaginal lips. Let the head slip in and out, repeatedly recreating the feeling of initial penetration.
- Explore the territory outside the wife’s vagina. Use lube if necessary and rub the husband’s penis around her clitoris, lips, and inner thighs. Great motivation to shave your vulva and penis/balls.
- With the wife on top she can rub her lips and clitoris over and around her husband’s penis, stimulating herself and the husband’s shaft and frenulum in between bits of short and shallow penetration. The wife can also gyrate her hips with just the head of her husband’s penis inside her, giving him a unique form of stimulation.
- Use your hand to stimulate your wife’s clitoris while thrusting. Alternatively, in doggy style the wife can stimulate herself while the husband focuses on varying his thrusts to build up the tension.
- Surprise deep thrusts: Whoever is on top can throw in a nice, hard, deep thrust every once in a while just to change things up, and enjoy the gasps of pleasure from their spouse.
- Grab her hips: Even when the husband is on bottom, he can grab his wife’s hips or butt to hold her up and control the depth of penetration. If you love to hear your wife moan in desperation, keep her shallow when she’s expecting deep and you’ll get it! Just make sure your timing doesn’t ruin her escalation to orgasm.
What do you do to enjoy shallow penetration in your sex life? Leave a comment and let us know!
(Here’s a link to the series introduction — a good place to start!)
Habit 1: Be Proactive is about taking responsibility for your life. You can’t keep blaming everything on your parents or grandparents. Proactive people recognize that they are “response-able.” They don’t blame genetics, circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. They know they choose their behavior. Reactive people, on the other hand, are often affected by their physical environment. They find external sources to blame for their behavior. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn’t, it affects their attitude and performance, and they blame the weather.
And you can’t keep blaming your spouse, either!
Stephen Covey describes three Circles that can be used to understand and evaluate our circumstances:
- Circle of Concern: Everything you care about, everything that impacts your life.
- Circle of Influence: The subset of your Circle of Concern that you can affect with your decisions.
- Circle of Control: The subset of your Circle of Influence that you can directly control.
Here’s a diagram, for you visual thinkers.
When we’re reactive, we spend all our time and energy worrying about things we can’t control or even influence. When we’re proactive, we spend our time and influence on the inner circles, the things we can control (in our own life and body) and the things we can influence in our immediate community and family.
As an exercise with your spouse, it can be helpful to categorize your concerns using these circles. First, list everything you care about. Second, underline the concerns that you can influence. Third, put a star next to the things you can control. (Once you have your list, you can draw the three circles if you want!) Discussion questions: Do your lists match? What items are you spending the most time and energy on?
Here’s what Jesus says about our Circle of Concern:
John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
God is all-powerful, so nothing is out of his control! As believers, we can trust God with our Circle of Concern and have his peace, relying on his power and goodness to handle everything that concerns us.
God’s power isn’t just for our Circle of Concern, but for everything in our lives. Proverbs 3 is full of advice, guidance, and commands for making good decisions — it’s hard to pull out a few verses to quote, but these are some of my favorites:
Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;
bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
So you will find favor and good success
in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Action words for the proactive Christian: bind, write, trust, lean, acknowledge — along with promises of what God is proactively doing for you. God is active — he is always at work around us — and since we’re made in his image he expects us to be active also.
Here’s another passage from Proverbs about being proactive.
Go to the ant, O sluggard;
consider her ways, and be wise.
Without having any chief,
officer, or ruler,
she prepares her bread in summer
and gathers her food in harvest.
How long will you lie there, O sluggard?
When will you arise from your sleep?
A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest,
and poverty will come upon you like a robber,
and want like an armed man.
The ant doesn’t need anyone to tell her what to do, and she doesn’t sit around waiting, pouting, or complaining about the seasons. The ant works within her Circle of Influence to gather what she needs when the circumstances are favorable.
It would be easy to go on and on — God’s commands in the Bible are always proactive. Even when you’re in a season of waiting, you are commanded to be in prayer, service, and study.
So then, what does it mean to be proactive in our sex life with our spouse? Here are some examples that might resonate with you.
Reactive thinking says:
- I don’t know if I want to have sex, let’s see how I feel at the end of our date
- It’s not my fault, I can’t help how I feel
- Our sex life is disappointing because of our jobs/kids/health
- Why doesn’t he know what I want?
- Why doesn’t she initiate sex?
- After my day at work / with the kids, I just can’t do it
- If he would ABC, then maybe I would XYZ
Proactive thinking says:
- I choose to have sex — let’s do it before our date!
- I choose my attitude and behavior, and I’m responsible for them — nothing can force them on me
- We can protect and nurture our sex life no matter the circumstances
- He can’t read my mind, so I’ll tell him what I want!
- She can’t read my mind, so I’ll initiate sex!
- I can influence my day to protect my energy and enthusiasm for my spouse
- I’ll do XYZ because I know he wants it, and then I’ll ask him to do ABC
You can’t choose your circumstances, but you can choose how you act in response. You can take responsibility for yourself. You can’t control your spouse, but by being proactive you can influence your spouse through service and communication. As you focus on what you can control and influence, your Circle of Influence will grow!
Being Proactive is a big idea, so maybe you’d like an actionable tip for where to start. Take a look at this post about The Five Love Languages and Sex and find your spouse’s primary love language, then do something for them that speaks to it. Afterwards, remind your spouse of your primary love language and point them at that post and this one. Rinse (if necessary) and repeat!
If this habit has made an impact in your life and marriage, leave a comment to tell us about it.
It’s been a while since we’ve done a link round-up, so let’s see what other Christian sex bloggers have been writing about!
- Learning to Like Giving Your Husband Oral Sex — We get more emails on this topic than any other, and we’ve written a lot about oral sex including: oral sex in the Bible, swallowing and enjoying it, stimulating her while she performs oral sex, and overcoming your gag reflex.
- Speak Up — No one can read your mind, so learn how to speak up about your needs and desires and then gratefully receive what you’ve asked for.
- Write your foreplay desires on index cards — If speaking up is hard, take a baby step by writing things down. If you need some ideas, check out “would you rather”.
- Activate, Participate, Instigate — As we’ve written before: enthusiasm and responsiveness. Also helpful when you want your husband to initiate sex.
- How do you know when orgasm is close? — A great discussion for pre-orgasmic wives and their husbands!
- Why I bought a vibrator — Vibrators are great fun!
- Use towels for stealthy sex — Might be especially useful if you’re sharing a hotel room.
- Befriend your wife’s cycle — Understand how she feels before and during her period, recognize when she’s ovulating, and figure out some mutually pleasurable ways to have period sex.
- Hinting for sex — Don’t do it… just be direct.
- Teasing your husband — We’ve got lots of great games for this!
- Pursuing your wife — Create sexual tension to get her revved up.
Share some more links in the comments!
Happy Autumn! For Sexy Corte and I, this is our favorite time of year. October weather is amazing, and the holidays roll over you in an avalanche of fun — Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year. Good times.
But, oh no! Autumn isn’t all fun and games. Married couples face two serious challenges to their sex lives in this time of year. Yes… Autumn marks the end of the glorious summer penis and the beginning of the dreaded winter vagina! These are serious marital issues that you might not even have known about, but don’t worry, we’re here to help. First, let’s analyze the problems.
Wives, I’m sorry to tell you, but you’re going to have to say good-bye to the summer penis you’ve been enjoying for the past few months.
Summer penis is an elusive phenomenon that answers to the sway of the seasons. No barbell can boost it; no foodstuff can fill it. Summer penis is a temporary dick fluctuation that, thanks to the heat and warmth, gives you a months-long leg-up on shaft size. It’d be like if a woman’s boobs suddenly got huge from May to August.
But now it’s gone, and you’re going to have to make do with your regular non-summer penis!
And say hello winter vagina.
Chilly weather can make our lips chapped and skin dry – so Vaseline soon becomes a beauty staple in the winter months.
A midwife has now issued a warning to women as apparently this “drought” can extend to EVERY area of our bodies, causing ‘winter vagina’.
Mary Burke, a former NHS midwife and senior clinical nurse at the London Bridge Plastic Surgery & Aesthetic Clinic reveals the reasons why this happens.
“Dry autumn and winter air depletes moisture from our bodies, leaving our skin dehydrated and cracked, and our sinuses parched,” she said to The Sun.
“And while it’s an issue few will want to discuss openly, our vaginas can enter ‘drought mode’ during this time, too.
“When we spend a lot of time in air conditioned rooms, or with the heating on, we’re living in air which carries very little moisture.”
What’s a married couple to do in these harrowing circumstances? If only there were a way to warm up your penis and moisturize your vagina at the same time.
Well here are a few ideas.
- Have sex in the water. Taking a bath or shower together is the quickest way to get things warm and wet.
- Leave the bathroom fan off. If your bathroom is connected to your master bedroom, leave the fan vent off when you take a hot shower. The heat and humidity from the shower will permeate to your bedroom and improve the atmosphere. Using the vent wastes all that precious heat and humidity!
- Crank up the heat. Yes, it’s expensive to turn up the thermostat all winter, so just crank it up for an hour before you have sex. Don’t be shy — turn it up high enough that instead of shivering, your wife will be eager to take off her clothes.
- Humidifier. When you turn up the heat, you’ll also want to use a humidifier to increase the moisture in your bedroom. A cheap hygrometer can be used to optimize the humidity in your house.
- Lubricant. You may not need it all the time, but keep it handy for when you do.
- Moisturize. Find the right lotions for your sexy bits and you’ll both benefit during the cold, dry months.
Do you have any other tips for sexing it up through this horrible season? Leave a comment!
This post is an introduction to a new series based on “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People” by Stephen R. Covey. The ideas in “7 Habits” have been applied in many different contexts, and I think there are lessons that can be applied in our sex lives with our spouses. As always, our thoughts will be guided by Biblical truth, and I think you’ll see that the 7 Habits work very well in the context of a Christian marriage.
As I write the posts, I’ll add links to this list of the 7 Habits.
- Be proactive
- Begin with the end in mind
- Put first things first
- Think win-win
- Seek first to understand, then to be understood
- Sharpen the saw
If you’ve never been exposed to the 7 Habits before you may be thinking that they’re a bunch of modern pseudo-psychological gobbledygook, but that’s not true. The posts in this series will include specific, concrete behaviors that you and your spouse can use to improve your sex life. We’ve written before about the power of habits to create real and persistent change in your life, and even though the Bible doesn’t use the word “habit” there are many passages that command us to build positive patterns of behavior. Here are a few examples:
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Proverbs 3:1-2 “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.”
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
1 Corinthians 11:1-2 “Be imitators of me [Paul], as I am of Christ. Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you.”
My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.
Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.
For they are life to those who find them,
and healing to all their flesh.
Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Put away from you crooked speech,
and put devious talk far from you.
Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet;
then all your ways will be sure.
Do not swerve to the right or to the left;
turn your foot away from evil.
This series will look at each of the 7 Habits and discuss how to apply them in a Biblical manner to improve your sex life with your spouse.
I will conclude this introduction by mentioning a key tenet that is woven throughout the 7 Habits: the abundance mentality. The basic idea is that in most circumstances there is enough of everything for both spouses to get what they need from the marriage. Unless you each want exactly different things, there’s a way for both of you to be satisfied. Habit 4 (“think win-win”) builds directly on this concept, but the mindset is of broad applicability. The abundance mentality stands in contrast to the scarcity mentality — the belief that there isn’t enough for both of us. The abundance mentality isn’t magical thinking, and isn’t about actually having more. The abundance mentality is about acting on the expectation that the resources you have (e.g., time, money, attention, energy) can be used in a way that pleases you both.
The scarcity mindset says:
- There isn’t enough for everyone, so I’d better get my share now
- If I don’t get my way now, I never will
- Only one of us can win this argument (and it’s going to be me)
- I give her what she wants, but she never gives me what I want
- How can I get more?
The abundance mindset says:
- There’s plenty for both of us
- When she wins, it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost
- I can give away my time/energy/prestige/power/recognition now because there will be plenty more later
- We can reach a decision that lets us both win
- How can I give more?
As Christians, we have more assurance of abundance than anyone else in the world! The abundance of God is obviously not mere worldly possessions, but the fullness of a life built on the foundation of Jesus Christ.
John 10:10 “[Jesus said] The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
Luke 6:37-38 “[Jesus said] Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”
Matthew 6:33-34 “[Jesus said] But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things [worldly needs] will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
James 1:17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”
I challenge you to begin thinking about your marriage and your sex life with an abundance mindset! Your sex life is not a competition over who gets what they want. You both have needs in your marriage, and there is plenty of sex, time, energy, and love to satisfy you both. Pray that God would show you his abundance in your marriage.
The other day, I saw a familiar lament on Reddit r/relationships. “My husband does not brush his teeth,” a 41-year-old woman wrote, “and I’m at my wits end.” She describes his horrible breath, how she has told him she doesn’t want to kiss him, and that when she nags him enough to do something about it, he swishes mouthwash around for a second and thinks that’s enough.
Gross. Husbands, would you want to kiss your wife if her mouth was disgusting? Brush your teeth. Some elements of attractiveness are beyond your control, but you’ve got a responsibility to be your best you for your spouse. Your body will never be perfect, but that’s no excuse to neglect what you’ve got.
Maybe tooth-brushing is pretty obvious, but the test of “would you put your own mouth there?” is applicable to any part of your body that you’d like your wife to put her mouth on.