Sex Q&A: Role-Playing, Shaving, Talking Dirty, and More

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Reader “LM” sent us a long email with several questions, so let’s address each in turn.

I’m writing as a BIG fan of your blog. My fiancée (girlfriend at the time) and I started reading your blog last summer, as a way to facilitate healthy conversations about sex. It has been so helpful to have conversation starters from a Christian perspective, and it has helped us have open and honest conversations about expectations for sex inside marriage. We recently got engaged, and are getting married in March. As the big day gets closer, we decided to put together a list of some questions we had, in the hopes that you could provide some insight.

Congratulations on your engagement! It means so much to us to receive emails like this. We write this blog to edify Christian marriages, and we’re very encouraged when we hit our target. (It’s worth linking to an earlier post for newlyweds: Sex Q&A: About to Be Married, First-Time Sex.)

Before we get to LM’s specific questions, I should say that it’s not our place to give or withhold permission for what you do in your marriage — that’s between you, your spouse, and God. Read Can we *BLANK*? for more info, and check out 1 Corinthians 8. Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit with discernment and humility.

Here are the questions.

1) We’re both very excited about role play, however, we had a question. In almost all role playing scenarios (teacher-schoolgirl, KGB agent-American spy, etc), the characters are not married. In this case, are you acting out a scenario (sex between unmarried people) that is not honoring to God? OR is it ok because the people actually having sex (me and my soon to be wife) ARE married?

2) Speaking of role play, have you guys ever played out a scenario which has caused you to lust after an actor / actress? My fiancée is a huge Lord of the Rings / Harry Potter fan, and would love to role play some of those characters. My worry is that that might cause one or both of us to think about the actors or actresses we’re role playing during sex instead of each other.

These two questions are great examples of the need for discernment and wisdom. Strictly speaking, you aren’t sinning if your sexual thoughts are aimed exclusively at your spouse. However, if this kind of role-play causes your sexual focus to wander away from your spouse, then it might be sin for you and you should avoid it. You need to be honest with each other, with yourselves, and with God. Flee from sexual immorality and do whatever most strengthens your marriage and your walk with God.

Sexy Corte and I don’t role-play as characters from pop culture — we make up our own characters, and have quite a collection. Characters from books and movies aren’t real people, so lusting after your-wife-as-Hermione doesn’t seem problematic to me.

Also, make sure you check out Tie, Tease, Trivia: Harry Potter Edition.

3) Have you guys ever had sex to music, and found yourself lusting after the artist singing the song? There is some really sexy music out there, but I’m worried that I might end up thinking about the singer during sex, if it’s someone I find attractive.

We occasionally play music during sex, and lusting after the artist had never occurred to us. If music is a stumbling block for you then don’t use it, or listen to music performed by ugly artists!

4) We’ve seen your recommendations to shave prior to the wedding night, but we’re worried that after one or two days of smooth, things may get prickly and uncomfortable. Is there a way to avoid this?

We’ve written about shaving for husbands and wives, and we both really enjoy the sensations of having smooth skin. Of course, shaved hair grows back! We typically shave every few days in the shower, and it only takes a couple of minutes once you’re proficient. If you don’t want to maintain it so frequently you can try waxing, but the hair will still grow back (and waxing costs a lot more money than shaving). You can also try laser hair removal, which costs even more money but can eliminate the hairs (almost) permanently. It’s really a matter of preference.

5) What do couples usually do when the woman is a virgin and there’s the potential that she’ll bleed in the hotel room? Do you just leave it and let the maid change the sheets the next day? Do you bring your own sheets?

Put down a towel and/or leave a nice tip. Honeymoon nights aren’t unique in dirtying hotel sheets, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Do yourself a favor and don’t inspect your hotel room with a UV light.

6) One of the things we’ve talked about is the idea of dirty talk, particularly if it involves cussing. We think it could be hot, but we wanted to hear your thoughts.

Sexy time is pretty much the only time we swear, and yes, it can be hot. There’s nothing sinful about any particular words — it’s all about how you use them. If the words edify your marriage, then great! If they insult or discomfort your spouse, then don’t use them.

Got some thoughts to share? Please leave a comment!

Please use the contact pages for Sexy Corte and El Fury to send us your questions. We will only share your question if you give us permission, and we’ll never reveal your name or any other identifying information. You can ask questions anonymously, or use a free anonymous email server like Mailinator.

Marriage Conversation Protip: Stop Asking “Why?”

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We get hundreds of emails asking for marriage and sex help, and in almost every case the second step of our advice is to talk with your spouse. (The first step is to talk with God through prayer.) Most emails include a disclaimer like:

I’ve already tried to talk to my wife about this, but she just won’t listen.

So… you want advice that doesn’t include talking to your spouse? Well, you can’t just skip past that.

There are a gazillion books you can read about how to have productive conversations, but today I want to share one of the most important tips I’ve learned: stop asking “why?” so much. If you have kids, you know how annoying it can be to constantly hear “why? why? why?”. This question seems to crop up around age three, and never stops. Hopefully as adults we don’t smother our spouses with “why” so often, but the question can often do more harm than good.

Oftentimes a husband (especially) will want to hammer away at “the problem” and “fix it”, so he asks “why?” over and over, hoping to discover the knob he can twist just the right way to make his wife do/feel what she “should”.

Sound familiar? Wives do it, too. It’s no surprise that conversations like this aren’t effective for building intimacy. “Why?” can be a powerful tool for gaining understanding, but it isn’t the right tool for every job! Here are a few ways it can backfire.

  • Passive aggressive. You know this one. Even if you aren’t trying to be passive aggressive, these kinds of questions can be received that way. But be honest: oftentimes, you’re being passive aggressive.
    • “Why didn’t you take the trash out?”
    • “Why are you late?”
    • “Why don’t you want to have sex?”
  • Interrogation. Trying to nail down your spouse with words. You make it appear that you’re just trying to understand the truth of the situation, but what you’re actually doing is forcing your spouse into the corner until he admits some mistake or failure. These are often “why… but…?” accusations.
    • “Why did you say you were getting Christmas cards for my family, but then not mail them in time?”
    • “Why did you say you want more intimacy, but then every time I want to have sex you’re too tired?”
    • “Why do you not feel the way we both agreed you should feel?”
  • Digging. Sometimes your spouse doesn’t know the answer, or there isn’t an answer, but you keep asking “why?” anyway. You rephrase the same question over and over, sure that if you keep digging you’ll eventually find gold.
    • “Why don’t we have more sex? Why don’t you want to have sex? Why has our sex life stalled?”
    • “Why do you feel that way? Why don’t you feel this way?”
  • Rephrasing. “Why?” is often a fine question to ask once, but using different words doesn’t make the question more helpful.
    • “What makes you feel that way?”
    • “How did this come to pass?”

When you’re starting a difficult conversation, stay away from “why” and instead focus on “what” and “how”.

  • “How do you feel about our sex life?”
  • “How do you want our sex life to make you feel?”
  • “What is your favorite thing that we do together?”
  • “What do you think is missing?”

Accept the answers without comment or judgement. Asking “why?” will make your spouse defensive, literally — you’re asking her to defend her answers with a reason that’s good enough for you to accept. It can be difficult to hold back your opinion, but usually that’s your pride prompting you. Your pride says things like:

  • “She shouldn’t feel that way.”
  • “I deserve a husband who does XYZ.”
  • “I can convince her…”
  • “That’s not fair.”
  • “His answer shows that he doesn’t love/respect/understand me!”
  • “How can she possibly think that?”

These comments are unlikely to be helpful, but your pride insists that you say them anyway. Your pride tells you that your feelings are right, justified, and logical, and his feelings are wrong, mistaken, or cruel. It’s so obvious, right? He’s sure to realize the error of his ways if you just ask the right “why” question.

Don’t feel bad; we all fall into the pride trap.

So, before you ask “why?”, consider: will my question enhance intimacy, or irritation? If you mostly care about being right, then by all means, hammer away with “why?” until you smash everything in sight. On the other hand, if you mostly care about intimacy with your spouse, use “why?” very judiciously and give her the space and respect to think and feel without having to justify herself to you. Your spouse will feel secure and respected, which are key building blocks of intimacy.

How a Husband can Improve His Wife’s Orgasms

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If you’re a husband like me, then you love giving your wife a huge, body-shaking, scream-inducing orgasm. There’s just about nothing better. Most advice for more and better orgasms focuses on techniques you can use in the bedroom, but some researchers have looked in a different direction: qualities of men who give great orgasms. Here are the male traits that lead to more and better orgasms for their partners, as identified by the study, along with some related links from our site.

The researchers wrote: “Orgasm intensity was related to how attracted (women) were to their partners, how many times they had sex per week and ratings of sexual satisfaction.”

“Those with partners who their friends rated as more attractive also tended to have more intense orgasms.”

“Sexual satisfaction was related to how physically attracted women were to their partner and the breadth of his shoulders.”

“Their partner’s sense of humor not only predicted his self-confidence and family income, but it also predicted women’s propensity to initiate sex, how often they had sex and it enhanced their orgasm frequency in comparison with other partners.”

It’s important to realize that all of these qualities are relative. You don’t have to be the richest, handsomest, funniest man in the world — you just have to display some measure of these qualities to your wife! Husbands, however you rate yourselves now, consider ways to move up a notch. Lay off the snacks. Lift some weights. Do some power poses in the bathroom before you go to bed. Buy some shirts that fit.

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week — Christmas Edition

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Merry Christmas everyone! It’s been a while since we rounded up our favorite Christian sex links, so here’s a big list to finish off 2016!

Wives, God created sex for YOU — working to grow your own enjoyment of sex is a huge gift to your husband and yourself.

Don’t let the holidays ruin your sex life! Squeeze in sex during the holidays!

So many posts with gift ideas:

Lots of options for grooming your public hair — we wrote about husbands shaving their public hair and answered a question from a reader about how to ask his wife to shave “down there”.

Duty sex as a stepping stone to great sex — we’ve written against “duty sex”, but viewing it as a step towards something better is a very useful perspective.

Can Christians get sex tips from Cosmo? — I guess you could, but honestly, there’s better stuff on our blog and those we link to! For free.

Fellatio alarm clock — with a strong mint?? That’ll wake him up quick.

Kegel exercises help turn her on and intensify her orgasm — also, squeeze your butt during sex!

Sex positions made easier by the Liberator Wedge — we’ve got these wedge pillows, and they’re great fun.

A husband wants his wife to love his penis — this reminds me: I need to write a post on this topic.

Save time and water by showering together — also sex in the shower and tips for having sex in the water.

Tips for reaching orgasm together — we could do this easily enough every time, but I like to hold back. I find that I enjoy Sexy Corte’s orgasm more when I’m not distracted by my own.

A bunch more sex links from November!

Merry Christmas! If you’ve got a link you want to share, please put it in the comments!

Advent Update

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We are over halfway through our Adult Advent Calendar, so I thought I would share an update. So far we have had a great time doing this! There have been some surprises, some overlaps, and some things we probably won’t be trying again (like having sex outside in the freezing cold!). It has been fun to see what El Fury has come up with. Every morning shortly after we wake up we both get excited about drawing a new Advent activity. Here are some of my favorite parts of this activity so far:

  • Being intentional. We draw an activity in the morning then spend the rest of the day doing that activity or thinking about how we are going to do that activity. Then when it’s time, we spend part of our evening (or afternoon) just focusing on each other. It’s nice to simply focus on each other.
  • Spicing things up. Here are some of the more interesting things we’ve done so far: Pirates and Poetry, NO panties until we have sex again, sex outside, Tattoo night, role-playing with Professor Fury, 5 Senses Sex, and sex during naptime.
  • Being romantic. Some of the other activities we have done: texting/emailing each other all day about what we plan to do to each other that night, dinner date after the kids go to bed. The texting one was fun, so we have continued doing that with the other activities we are doing.

A lot of people seem to get so busy and overwhelmed over Christmas. Make sure to give your sex life some of your best time, not just your leftover time. Anyone else trying the Adult Advent Calendar? Any fun ideas you’ve come up with?

Pirates and Poetry Night

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We’ve been drawing an activity from our adult advent calendar every morning this month, and yesterday we drew one of Sexy Corte’s ideas: “pirates and poetry”. It’s exactly what it sounds like: we dressed up like sexy pirates, read poetry, and played with each other before having sex. SC put eyeliner on me, and I basically looked like this:

hook-s

(Update: SC says I was handsomer.)

Sexy Corte dressed as a sexy pirate wench in a red corset, stockings, a white peasant skirt… and that’s it. Super hot.

It’s important to draw the advent activity in the morning (instead of evening) for two reasons:

  1. Sexual energy builds up when you know what’s coming.
  2. You have time to prepare!

So yesterday at lunch I wrote a bawdy pirate sonnet. Feel free to read it to your spouse — see if it makes her blush!

Pirate captains are not romantic rogues,
Despite the stories on screens big and small.
They pill’ge and plunder everywhere they go,
D’spoiling booty in every port of call.

Many wenches yearn for salty sea-men,
With shining eyes and flirty p’laver frank.
But wenches’ mouths have nobl’r pirate function:
Walking with her lips his engor’ged plank.

Yet his heart may soften as he oft’ moors,
Nigh well-plumbed depths ’round the vicinity
f’Hidden grotto, warm and wet, his hoard,
Where sinks his laden ship repeatedly.

Where a hardened pirate seeks deepest rest,
And buries little pirates in her treasure chest.

Exercise Boosts Sperm Quality and Semen Quantity

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If you’re trying to get pregnant or you enjoy the almost-mystical properties of semen then you husbands need to get off the couch and get some exercise! A recent study indicates that moderate intensity continuous training (MICT) has all sorts of benefits for your swimmers:

The results of the study, published in the journal Reproduction, showed that men who exercised had improved sperm at the end of the training, regardless of which group they were in.

But those men who took part in MICT had the best results.

Compared to men who did no exercise, those in the MICT group had 8.3% more semen volume, 12.4% higher sperm motility, 17.1% improved sperm cell shape, 14.1% more concentrated sperm and 21.8% more sperm cells on average.

The researchers found that the benefits for sperm started to tail off within just a week of stopping the exercise programme.

For this study, MICT was basically jogging for 30-40 minutes, four or five times a week. We already have a responsibility to stay healthy and attractive (within the limits of our ability) for our spouse, and improved semen is a big additional benefit.

Another recent study indicates that watching too much television has a big negative effect on sperm.

A new study suggests men who spend too much time binge-watching TV have lower sperm counts compared to men who don’t watch the boob tube, according to researchers at the University of Copenhagen in Denmark.

The study found men who watched five or more hours of TV per day had 29 percent lower sperm concentration, and 34 percent lower sperm counts than men who weren’t binge-watching.

Lying around increases the temperature of the scrotum — which has a negative impact on sperm production, the researchers said.

Also, couch potatoes tend to be overweight or drink excessively, two more factors in lower sperm counts and production, according to the study, published in the November issue of the American Journal of Epidemiology.

Men who played on a computer for the same amount of time didn’t experience a dip in semen levels.

So husbands, get out there and run! If your wife is already pregnant, your semen can cure her morning sickness. Even aside from pregnancy, your semen can improve your wife’s health and mood. If you want your wife to be healthy and happy, you have a husbandly duty to exercise!

Thumb and Finger Zoom Technique

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My previous post about How to Rub a Clitoris is one of the most popular on the site, so I thought it deserved a follow-up post focused on what we call the thumb and finger technique or the zoom technique – the motions are very similar to what you’d use to zoom in or out on the screen of your phone!

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It’s pretty simple:

  • Apply lube to the wife’s clitoris and vulva. Since most of the action is outside, her natural lubricant won’t be as helpful as it would be inside. Also, the zoom technique covers more territory than a single-finger job and her natural lube might get spread too thin.
  • The husband uses his index and/or middle finger to stimulate his wife’s vaginal opening and lips, and he uses his thumb to stimulate her clitoris.
  • The husband can move his thumb and fingers in a “zooming” motion and in small circles over his wife’s skin, occasionally penetrating her with his fingers to really get her worked up.
  • Your mileage may vary, but we use the zoom technique primarily as foreplay — Sexy Corte tends to require focused clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. It’s easy enough to move your fingers from the vaginal opening to the clitoris and focus there to bring your wife to orgasm, but the teasing penetration of the zoom technique might make her extremely hungry for more penetration rather than less. (That is, a non-penetrative orgasm may not be enough to satisfy her.)

As with any fingering techniques, you can use zoom in a lot of ways.

  • The wife can just lay back and enjoy the attention. The teasing fingers dancing around her vaginal opening will really make the wife long for more substantial penetration — make her beg for it!
  • We like to zoom during Old Faithful — I zoom Sexy Corte while she performs oral on me. A few days ago this actually made her purrrr while I was in her mouth, which feels unbelievable.
  • Zoom as part of a bifecta focused on the wife: casually zoom her while you’re watching television together. (Hmm, that sounds like fun for tonight.)
  • Zoom during trivia night — it’s pretty similar to the wand vibrator and fingertip technique. (I love when SC needs me to repeat a question because she’s too turned on to focus.)
  • If the wife wears a dress, you can zoom just about anywhere!

Have you ever used the zoom technique yourself? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Adult Advent Calendar

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Want a way to spice up this Christmas season? Why not try making your own adult Advent Calendar? This year El Fury and I cut up 24 strips of paper, and each of us wrote 12 ideas on each one. We are keeping them a surprise and starting December 1st will open a new one each day until Christmas. Our thought is that we will open them in the morning so that we have the day to prepare or carry out the card. I’m not sure yet what all EF wrote, but I did a blend of sexy, relaxing and fun. Here are some ideas:

  • Wear something sexy under your clothes today
  • Play a sexy game tonight (Twister, Jenga, etc.)
  • Try a new sexual position tonight
  • Bubble bath and wine

I am really excited for December 1st so we can start. We hope you and your spouse can have fun doing your own adult Advent Calendar! Post any ideas in the comments. We will report back and let you know how it is going!

Intense Focus on Your Senses Makes Great Sex

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Why is sex so good? Kinda like asking, “why is water wet?” But still, if we understand what makes sex good then maybe we can make it even better!

One of the main questions in life is: Why is sex so good? According to a new review paper, it’s because sex — like dance, yoga, and other body-based pleasures — is rhythmic, and that rhythm has a way of uniting and heightening the senses.

Authored by Northwestern University researcher Adam Safron and published in Socioaffective Neuroscience and Psychology, the paper argues that intercourse can be such a magical experience because of “entrainment,” which is a fancy way of saying that it gets your brain, sensory, and bodily systems all rowing in the same sexy direction. What happens in the run-up to orgasm, he argues, is what goes on in most ecstatic experiences (consider how a “beat drops” in your favorite new disco anthem). Rhythmic perception and action lead you to attend more to the stimuli that’s turning you on, leading to greater enjoyment, and greater attendance, making for “further enhancing entrainment, thus creating a positive feedback cycle of deepening sexual absorption,” he writes.

It’s not enough to call this increased arousal or pleasure: A better way to understand the way people can lose their sense of selves during the act of sex is with trance, the same way that you might feel a sense of absorption on a particularly good night of dancing, a particularly strenuous yoga session, a particularly deep meditation, or a particularly satisfying run. “Intensely focusing on immediate sensations — such as those produced by rhythmic stimulation — is likely to reduce the amount of mental capacity available for other things,” Safron writes, like ruminative self-narratives, wondering about what could have been, or generally having your mind someplace other than where you currently are. “Such an experience of sensate focusing and altered self-processing may be most appropriately referred to as a kind of trance state,” he writes. “If this trance occurs in the context of another individual who is similarly absorbed, then it could potentially contribute to feelings of connectedness along with the expansion of self-other boundaries.”

bolded the part that jumped out at me, and it matches my experience. Sex is best when you are “intensely focusing on immediate sensations” — which is closely related to our posts about the importance of enthusiasm and responsiveness. There’s a feedback loop: in order to have great sex you need to pull your mind away from the mundane considerations of life, and the act of pulling away is self-reinforcing, leading to enhanced focus and even better sex!

So how can you use this information to improve sex with your spouse? In addition to the posts I’ve linked to above, here are a few ways you can focus more intensely during sex:

  • Sight. Get rid of visual distractions. Unless you’re just playing around you should turn off the television, put away your phones, and lock your door. Focus your eyes and attention on your spouse. You can dim the lights, maintain eye contact, or even wear a blindfold for some power play. Wear something sexy. Do a danceKeep your bedroom orderly and comfortable to avoid seeing your surroundings as a to-do list while you’re having sex.
  • Sound. Put on some sensual music, something with a beat! Like the article says above, a good rhythm helps synchronize your bodies and senses. Turn off the baby monitors, silence your phones. Replace the batteries in the #&%&(#@% smoke detector. In my post about sexual responsiveness I talk about how important it is to use words and sounds during sex, so go read that whole post. Moan and groan, cry out, say your spouse’s name, beg for an orgasm.
  • Smell and taste. Using food in your sexy time can be fun, but it may also be a distraction.  If you want to focus intensely on the sexual experience, engage with the taste and smell of your spouse. Bury your face in your spouse’s hair or neck. Kiss deeply. Lick your spouse all over. Use oral sex not only to stimulate your spouse, but also to engage your own senses! During oral sex the attention is usually on the receiver, but try flipping that around: when you’re giving oral sex, focus on absorbing all the sensations that come from being close to your spouse’s sexuality. (Husbands especially: hygiene is important if you want your wife to enjoy your taste and smell.)
  • Touch. Sex obviously involves a lot of touching, but the touching can often be very goal-oriented: orgasm. However, sex with your spouse isn’t (usually) a race — you can focus your sense of touch more intensely if you just slow down. Revel in touching and being touched all over your bodies. An average human has twenty square feet of skin, so don’t just use your fingers: lips and tongues are obvious, but you can touch anything to anything else. (Check out Body Part Twister for some ideas (automated spinner).) Touch, tickle, massage, tease, and you can learn to build your spouse up to some huge orgasms.
  • Restraint. One of the reasons that light bondage is fun is that the person being restrained (the receiver) is free to focus completely on his or her sensations. While restrained, the receiver doesn’t need to think about giving pleasure, only receiving it. Being tied up is permission to be the center of attention, even your own attention. The receiver doesn’t have to do anything, just be.
  • Trust and vulnerability. In order to really lose yourself in a sexual experience you have to trust your spouse enough to let yourself be vulnerable. Your relationship needs to be past the point where you worry about looking right, acting right, or moving right. If you’re worried about impressing or disappointing your spouse, or being awkward, you’re not going to be able to focus on your senses. You each need to be comfortable with your own bodies and sexuality, and you need to respect and cherish each other.

“Losing yourself” doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but I think we can take some intentional steps to eliminate distractions during sex and really focus on the sensations we’re creating with our spouses. If you have any tips to share, please leave a comment!