Science: “The ‘quickie’ saved my marriage”

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In a completely surprising turn of events, scientists are suggesting that frequent sex may be the key to a happy marriage!

During the 14-day study period, couples reported having sex on an average of 4 days.

Not only was sexual activity associated with same-day sexual satisfaction, but also the researchers found that a single act of sex produced an afterglow that persisted for 2 days.

However, they found that couples who reported a stronger sexual afterglow were more likely to report greater marital satisfaction 4-6 months later, compared with couples with a weaker sexual afterglow.

Meltzer says the study findings are important, as they support previous research suggesting that sex plays an important role in partner bonding.

What would we do without these brilliant scientists?! This is amazing, groundbreaking research.

If you have lots of sex, not only will your marriage be stronger, you’ll also get a promotion at work!

To understand the impact of sex on work, the researchers documented 159 married employees over the course of two weeks, asking them to complete two surveys a day.

Overwhelmingly, employees who had sex were in more positive moods the next day.

And the elevated mood levels in the morning led to more sustained work engagement and job satisfaction throughout the workday.

The effect, which appears to linger for at least 24 hours, was equally strong for both men and women.

If wives don’t get enough sex, they may become angry.

Corrine, a mother of two children aged five and 15 months, made the connection between her mood swings and the state of her love life after her children were born.

‘Before we had children, we’d have sex whenever we wanted and would hardly go a day or two without,’ she recalls. ‘But then parenthood drained our energy and we’d often be too exhausted.

‘As the gaps between our lovemaking became wider, I noticed the difference in my attitude to Matt. Even when we hadn’t had sex for just a week, I’d start to feel like we were drifting apart and it made me frustrated and angry.

Just this week, scientists from Florida State University confirmed the importance of sex in making women happy, revealing it triggers an ‘afterglow’ that lingers for 48 hours and which helps couples to bond. Without it, they become miserable and distant.

You may have noticed the common thread in these three stories (because I bolded it) — the beneficial side effects of sex last for up to 48 hours, and then it’s time for another dose. Even if the lower sex-drive spouse (usually but not always the wife) doesn’t realize it, the marriage itself and both partners individually benefit from frequent sex. We’ve written about “duty sex” before, and even though we don’t like that term we do think that married couples should create the habit of daily sex — the more sex you have, the better it gets. Maybe a better term is “maintenance sex”.

Let me tell you, the “quickie” saved my marriage. I read about it in the book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” years ago where the author explains how important the sex act is to the man and that the woman should give into the quickie.

Best…I mean BEST…sex advice I ever received!!! Long live the quickie!!

What about your marriage? Would it improve if you had sex more often? What’s your target frequency? Are you hitting it?

How Do You Feel Immediately After Sex?

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I thought this would be a fun discussion topic for a Friday: a new study is investigating how people feel immediately after sexual activity.

“There are a wide range of responses in the period of time immediately following consensual sexual activity, known as the resolution phase,” says Robert Schweitzer, a psychologist leading the research team at the Queensland University of Technology in Australia.

“For example, some people like to cuddle, others like to be alone and there are others, as we have found in previous research that experience what is described as post-sex blues.”

So how do you feel immediately after sex? What do you do? Let us know in the comments.

Helping Her Orgasm in Missionary Position

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Missionary position is the most frequently used position for most couples, but it isn’t very effective for bringing the wife to orgasm. Missionary is very intimate — kissing, skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, whispering, hugging — but for most women it doesn’t create enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Sexy Corte usually climaxes while she is on top, and we press our wireless vibrator between our bodies to give her optimal stimulation. We can also get there with doggy style and Old Faithful, but it would be pretty great to make missionary work, too.

If you’re in the same boat as us, here are a few ideas. We haven’t tested them all yet, but when we played would-you-rather this was one of Sexy Corte’s top requests, so we’re going to find a way to make it work!

The first possibility is the coital alignment technique, or “CAT”. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how to perform this. The internet describes at least two different approaches, and Wikipedia’s text seems anatomically improbable.

When used as a variant of the missionary position, the male lies above the female but moves upward along the woman’s body, until his erection, which would otherwise point “up,” is pointing “down”, the dorsal side of the penis now pressing against the clitoris; and as opposed to the missionary position, the male’s body moves downward (relative to the female’s) during the inward stroke, and upward for the outward stroke. She may also wrap her legs around his. Sexual movement is focused in the pelvises, without leverage from the arms or legs. The rocking upward stroke (where the female leads) and downward stroke (where the male leads) of sexual movement builds arousal that partners let develop and peak naturally.

coital alignment technique 2

So… I think the penis points parallel with the husband’s thighs, and then when he slides his body foot-ward the penis pivots until it points head-ward and penetrates the wife — and during this movement, the top surface of the penis stimulates the wife by rubbing against her clitoris. Unfortunately, my penis doesn’t bend down that way when I’m erect, and it sounds quite painful. Also, I don’t really get how sliding foot-ward “down” the wife’s body will facilitate penetration.

For a completely different approach, consider this diagram:

coital alignment technique 3

Here, the movement is vertical up-and-down rather than head-ward and foot-ward, and I don’t quite understand how it provides stimulation to the wife’s clitoris. On the plus side, this approach has the advantage of not bending the husband’s penis at an impossible angle.

In addition to these two different approaches to coital alignment technique, there are three different toys that might help the wife reach orgasm in the missionary position.

  • Egg vibrator. Simply hold the vibrator against her clitoris with the pressure of your bodies, just like we do with wife-on-top. Easy to try, but I’m not sure if the vibrator will stay put! When Sexy Corte is on top I generally use one hand to position the vibrator, and that won’t be possible in missionary.
  • We-Vibe. We reviewed the We-Vibe a couple of years ago and we didn’t like it that much — it was somewhat uncomfortable, and it didn’t hit Sexy Corte quite right. That said, we only tried it once and it’s still in our toy drawer. We should give it another shot!
  • Vibrating penis ring. A flexible ring that goes on the shaft of the husband’s penis and holds a small vibrator in place. Sounds easy enough.

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So we’ve got a few things to try, and we’ll report back on our successes!

Have you tried coital alignment technique with any success? Or used any of these toys? Got any tips for wifely orgasms in missionary position?

 

Best Christian Sex Links of the Week

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We’ve seen some great posts over the last month or so, but haven’t had time to post them all yet… so here we go!

In Song of Solomon 5:1, God interjects and approves of marital intimacy by saying, “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” — This reminds me… I need to finish my long-running series about Song of Solomon!

Dear wife, you deserve a great sex life too! — If a husband wants better sex for himself, one of the best ways to get it is to focus more on his wife.

A huge list of things many husbands would like to try with their wives — also, be willing to be adventurous — wives, science says that you may not even know what arouses you.

Average penis size by country, and a helpful tip for a wife who wants to measure her husband surreptitiously. Husbands, don’t worry: women don’t seem to care as much about size as we do.

Enthusiastic sex = greater intimacy — we also wrote about the importance of enthusiasm.

More about frenulum orgasms — here’s our post about the frenulum. For him, also try prostate massaging.

Move mismatched sex drives towards better — sex and marriage take effort.

Why you should try doggy-style — and here are some tips for the doggy-style position.

How to make sex into a great workout — use all your muscles!

Sex toys for Valentine’s Day — we really enjoy our wedge pillows and remote-controlled vibrator.

Be visually generous — if your husband his feeling down, just ask if he wants to touch your boobs.

Oral sex survey results — every sex blogger’s favorite topic. Husbands and wives apparently want to give more oral sex than they currently do.

Overcoming fellare phobia, the fear of giving oral sex — “He was thrilled!” — Swallowing and Enjoying It. Semen doesn’t taste like chocolate, but hey, you can always add chocolate!

Ask your husband to choose your panties for the day — alternatively: secret message panties.

Podcasts:

Plus, 20 more great links from Forgiven Wife.

Whew, that’s a lot of stuff! If you’ve got another link to share, leave a comment.

Role-Playing: Professor and Student

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The most common emails we get are about oral sex, but a little way down the list are questions from folks who want to incorporate role-playing in their sex life, but aren’t really sure how to get started. I wrote a post about how to do sexual role-playing, and today I’m going to give more specific tips for how to play out a professor-and-student scene. This scenario is probably the most common role-playing that Sexy Corte and I do, and maybe these ideas will get your creative juices flowing.

(If you haven’t read the how-to post yet, you might want to start there. Don’t worry… it’s normal to feel a little silly and awkward at first!)

From here on, I’m going to assume that the wife is playing the Student role, but you can easily flip it. Remember: role-playing is play. Both spouses should be comfortable and have fun, even though the play puts them in roles of power and submission.

The professor-and-student scenario is fun for several reasons:

  • Power exchange. The power dynamic between the Student and Professor is fun to inhabit. Instead of being equals, the Student (temporarily, for the purposes of fun) gives up her power in the encounter and pretends to reluctantly submit to the Professor’s sexual advances. She gets to play coy, innocent, and desperate for the Professor’s approval, while the Professor gets to play at using his power and authority to “prey” on the Student’s vulnerability.
  • Familiar emotional hooks. The emotions behind the role-play are easy to grasp, because we’ve all been in the position of the student who really needs to pass her class. She doesn’t want to get kicked out of school! What will her parents think if she fails? Will she have to repeat the class? Will she graduate? She’ll do whatever it takes to satisfy her professor, even….
  • Clear goals. The professor-and-student scenario is relatively easy to improvise because both characters have clear goals: the Student wants her grade, and the Professor wants the Student. It’s not like you’re playing a pirate or an astronaut or Hamlet. Both roles can take initiative and play into their parts without any confusion about where the scene is going. No one should need to break character or say “I don’t know”.

Ok, so how do you get started? I enjoy prompting Sexy Corte with a note early in the day. Something like this:

To: Miss Corte

Please come see me during office hours this evening around 7:30pm. We need to discuss your midterm exam.

Signed: Professor Fury

[You haven’t been doing so well in class, but you really need to pass! You might have slightly cheated on your midterm… hopefully the professor hasn’t figured it out.]

The note proposes a time and place for the scene to begin, which means we can jump right into it after the kids are in bed. The last part, in brackets, gives Miss Corte some motivation for her character so that we’re on the same page when she shows up in my office. She needs to pass the class (of course), but she also has a secret that she hopes Professor Fury doesn’t know, which might give her an extra edge of desperation if it’s revealed.

If Sexy Corte is up for the plan she’ll send me a note or text message back. We’ll probably text back and forth several times, building up the tension and arousal. After the kids are in bed I’ll go to my office and wait for Miss Corte to knock on my door. Here are a few ideas for how each role can be played once the scene begins — this isn’t a script, just some thoughts to spur your imagination!

Things the Professor can do or say:

  • Dress formally, like a professor. You are powerful and intelligent, at the top of your profession — your students tremble at your gaze.
  • Sit in your chair behind your desk. Act stern, aloof, and disappointed in the Student.
  • “I finished grading your test, and you didn’t do very well at all.”
  • “I’m disappointed that you aren’t taking my class seriously.”
  • “If you don’t improve your grade, you’re not going to pass my class.”
  • “You could lose your scholarship, and might not even graduate.”
  • “What do you intend to do about this situation?” — This line is fun, because it puts the Student in the position of having to “reluctantly” propose some sexual favor.
  • “You might be able to earn some extra credit, if…” — Trail off, as if you’re considering some options.
  • “I’m not sure you’re willing to put in the work it will take.” — Make the Student assure you that she is.
  • “Yes, I’m afraid I must insist.”
  • “You say you’re a good girl, but you need to show me.”
  • “Very well. Kneel here in front of me while I think about how to help you. I’m sure you know what to do.”
  • “Before you can bring up your grade, you need to be punished for your cheating. Bend over my knee and pull down your panties. This is for your own good.” — Spanking is always fun.
  • “How many spanks do you think you deserve?” — Make her pick a number. Does she understand how serious this situation is?
  • “Are you really trying your hardest? Is this your best effort?”
  • “You’ve done well on the oral portion of the exam.”
  • “I expect to see you in my office every week, Miss Corte.”
  • “Good girls don’t come without permission.”
  • “While you’re coming, say I’m a good girl! over and over.”

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And here are some things the Student can do or say:

  • Dress demure or slutty, depending on how you want to play the Student. Wear a dress or skirt.
  • Act worried, reluctant, and desperate. You need to pass this class, but what will it take?
  • Say “sir” or “Professor” in every sentence. He is handsome and powerful. You respect him and need his approval.
  • If you and your spouse are comfortable with it, you can protest and refuse the Professor’s insinuations and demands until he uses his power to coerce you into submission. It’s up to you both how far you want to go with this kind of power play, and you should probably discuss it beforehand and potentially use a safe word so that no one’s boundaries are crossed.
  • “Why did you want to see me, sir?”
  • “I really need to pass this class, Professor.” — Be desperate, flash your eyes, look worried.
  • “If I don’t pass, my parents will kill me, Professor!” — Be scared of the consequences.
  • “But then I might not graduate, sir.”
  • “I always try my hardest, sir.” — You really want to pass. This poor performance isn’t like you at all.
  • “What can I do to improve my grade, Professor?” — You see where this is going, but you’re reluctant.
  • “I couldn’t possibly do that, sir!” — Protest! Refuse!
  • “But I’m a good girl!” — You can’t trade your virtue for a grade… can you?
  • “Yes, professor, I’ll do whatever it takes.” — What choice do you have?
  • “I’m sorry I cheated, Professor. I want to earn back your trust.” — Submission.
  • “Thank you for correcting me, sir.”
  • “Yes sir, I’ll be your best student!”
  • “What else can I do, sir?” — You want to please him, you want to prove yourself to him.
  • “I’m a good girl, sir! I’m a good girl!”

Afterwards, break the scene and leave your roles. The game is over (for now), so go back to being your normal selves. Have a good cuddle. Talk about your favorite parts of the scene, and stay positive. Later on, after the glow wears off, discuss anything you didn’t like and wouldn’t choose to do again. If your spouse really liked some element that wasn’t your favorite, negotiate and compromise and find the common ground that works for your marriage.

Have you ever role-played as professor-and-student with your spouse? How do you play it? Leave a comment!

Sexy “Would You Rather”

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We’ve linked to some great tools that can help you and your spouse discover new sexual activities that you might enjoy, and today I want to share a game-like tool that will help you and your spouse discover your preference levels for various sexual activities. The game is played like “would you rather…?”, with the addition of a tournament layer that will help your top preferences float to the top. Don’t worry, it’s easy.

(If you’re interested, the game is basically a pairwise preference assessment that uses a tournament rather than a matrix to generate a loose ordering. If you want to do the work, feel free to use the matrix method!)

Don’t be intimidated! Just follow these steps and you’ll be sharing your most intimate desires with your spouse in no time.

0. Be in a sexual mood! Consider each activity in its best light for you, rather than just how you feel at the moment.

1. Make your list of sexual activities and write them on index cards. The activities should include things you do now, things you want to try, and things you think your spouse may want to try. You can both contribute cards to the deck, or one person can write them all. For activities with a “giver” and “receiver”, be sure to specify which role the card is referring to. For example, don’t just write “oral sex” — you should have two different cards: “give oral sex” and “receive oral sex”.

2. Decide which spouse will go first — this person will be the responder until you finish the game and start over; the other spouse will be the asker. You don’t take turns during the course of the game.

3. The asker shuffles all the cards face-down to create a draw deck.

4. The asker draws two cards from the draw deck and asks the responder: “would you rather X or Y?” (Where X and Y are the activities on the two cards, of course.)

5. The responder picks one card over the other. Even if you like both or hate both, the responder has to pick one to win. The winning card goes into a new pile of cards called the winning deck, and the losing card goes into a new pile called the losing deck.

6. Continue steps 4 and 5 until the draw deck is empty. Then, the winning deck becomes the new draw deck — shuffle it, and repeat steps 4 and 5 until the deck is gone.

7. Repeat steps 4, 5, and 6 until you have one winning activity!

8. Since you haven’t shuffled the losing deck yet, the cards near the top of the losers should also be activities that the responder really likes. (Of course, a favorite might also have been eliminated early, but that’s just the luck of the draw!)

When you’re done, you have a few options:

  • Whatever activity won, do it!
  • Begin the game again by swapping roles.
  • Begin again and keep the same roles, playing through the losing deck to pick another winner.
  • Separate the “give” and “receive” cards to discover your favorite ways to both give and receive pleasure.

I know that’s a lot of steps, but hopefully you get the idea. To inspire you, after the break is a list of activities that I’ve written down for Sexy Corte and myself.

Continue reading

Spin-the-Bottle For Sweets and Pleasure

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You probably haven’t played spin-the-bottle since you got married… what’s the point in spinning when there’s only one other person? Well, here’s a simple twist that’ll make dessert time even sweeter.

  1. Sit on the floor across from your spouse.
  2. Arrange a few treats in a circle with the two of you, as if they were people playing spin-the-bottle with you.
  3. Put a bottle in the middle of the circle and take turns spinning.
  4. When the bottle stops, put whatever it’s pointing to in your mouth. Savor your treat!
  5. Keep spinning until the treats are gone, or you get too distracted to continue.

There are a million ways you can vary the game.

  • Blindfold yourself before spinning… then open wide!
  • Feed the treat to your spouse, or eat it off your spouse’s body.
  • Write foreplay ideas on scraps of paper and add them to the circle — the spouse who spun has to perform. You can roll a die for the number of minutes.
  • Really, anything can be added to the circle: sex toys, a camera, a naughty poem, another sex game

Do you have any other ideas for treats? Leave a comment!

Happy Valentine’s Day to Our One Million Readers!

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Happy Valentine’s Day! Do something sweet and sexy for your spouse, even if your schedule and energy are dominated by your kids and responsibilities. Sexy Corte made me an awesome Valentine card from construction paper, and I’m cooking chili tonight for a special dinner — mostly special because she  doesn’t have to cook.

Coincidentally, I just checked our stats and we’re sure to hit One Million total readers today! It’s 999,897, and I’m eager to watch it roll into seven digits. We really enjoy writing for you (and for ourselves), so thanks for dropping by. Don’t hesitate to shoot us an email (links are on the left) or leave a comment.

Make Yourself More Interesting Than the Internet

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Sexy Corte’s recent post about how people are more important than devices got me thinking over the past week. Like most of us, I’m guilty of sometimes losing myself in electronic distraction when I should be paying attention to my family! Each of us has a responsibility to forsake such distractions in favor of the people God has put into our lives, and if your distraction is bad enough then you could be violating your spouse’s conjugal rights. So, interpret the rest of this post in that light — I’m not trying to shift blame, but I do want to offer some ideas that might be helpful for the person who isn’t getting the attention he or she needs.

No matter what your spouse should do, you can’t force it; you’re only in control of your own actions. So what can you do to get more attention from your spouse? Let’s consider some of the reasons that the internet and electronics are compelling, and then think of some ways for you to beat them at their own game.

  • Novelty. There’s always something new (and pointless) to read on the internet. Last night I learned that a Harambe-shaped Cheeto sold for almost $100k on eBay. You probably clicked on that link, didn’t you? Shame on you! Ok ok, here’s a picture of the Cheeto.harambe-cheeto
    That’s completely dumb, right? But still, it’s something new to look at and think about, and the internet is full of novelties like that. New stuff is alluring, amusing, and interesting. There’s no reason that your relationship with your spouse has to be stale and repetitive! Do something new, even something small. Talk in a funny voice. Learn some jokes. Flash your boobs. Go to a new restaurant. Try something new in bed. Surprise your spouse pleasantly at least once every day and you’ll definitely get some attention.
  • Challenge and accomplishment. For men, the biggest electronic distractions are usually video games. They appeal directly to the male need to triumph over challenges. Sure, the challenges are insubstantial and inconsequential, but when a man beats a game it feels like a real accomplishment. Women may not get this, but they have other kinds of projects they pursue that men don’t understand. Find a project to work on with your spouse — something challenging that you both care about and enjoy. Fix up your yard, refresh your kids’ bedroom, or even play board games or video games together. There are plenty of sex games on our site! When you work together and achieve together, you’ll build intimacy together.
  • Knowledgeable discussion. Not everything on the internet is trivial nonsense. When I get most distracted it’s usually because I’m reading some bit of political or technology news, or learning about some historical event on Wikipedia. Learn something new that your spouse will be interested in and then talk about it. Put some effort into one of your spouse’s interests or hobbies, and he’ll probably be eager to talk until you’re sick of it. What games does he play? What sports does he watch? What series is she reading? How has God been leading her?
  • Brain-dead relaxation. Sometimes we surf the web when we just don’t want to think too much. Our brains need time to relax. Instead of pressuring one another to engage, make time to  relax together, which might include snuggling quietly while you “parallel play”. Sometimes Sexy Corte and I snuggle while we read, play on our phones, listen to music, or watch television; just being physically together is great when we don’t have the mental energy for more.

You have a responsibility to be your best “you” for your spouse and your family, not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually too. Your spouse has a responsibility to give you the attention you need, but that might come more easily if you take a few simple steps yourself! What do you do to make yourself more interesting to your spouse? Share a tip in the comments.

People Are More Important than Devices

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Our world has changed so much since I was a kid. There is so much to entertain. Sometimes we even need to be entertained while being entertained! It’s literally at our fingertips. With so much to distract, it’s easy to get into some bad habits. How often do we favor scrolling through our phone than paying attention to our spouse or children? What message are you conveying when your child needs something and you take your time to respond so you can finish reading your article or playing your game? Relationships take effort. Being present speaks volumes of love. It says, you are important, and worth my time. We have made a few decisions in our house to help us make time for being intentional with our family.

  1. No devices at the dinner table. We eat meals together as a family, and everyone sets aside their phones (or toys for the younger ones). Mealtime is probably the most important time of the day to engage with each other.
  2. No TV’s in the bedroom. This was a little more difficult to give up, but I’m so glad we did. The bedroom is for sex, and for sleeping.
  3. Play games! Board games are so different from when we were children. There are so many different kinds of games out there. El Fury and I love playing games together, and it’s a great way to engage with each other. We watch TV sometimes, but that feels more like parallel play. There are a lot of cooperative games out there too, so you can even be on the same team.
  4. We often say to our kids “people are more important” when they want to play on their tablets instead of hang out with our family. It’s a good thing for them to hear, and a good reminder for us as well.
  5. We also try not to be on our phones in the evening. After the kids go to bed it’s our time to hang out. We guard that time. We don’t get on our computers or phones, we spend time together.

When your spouse is talking to you, set your phone aside, and look them in the eye. They should be more important to you. Your relationship is with a person and not a device. At the end of your life are you going to be happy for all the time you spent with your spouse, or are you going to wish you would have spent more time on your phone?